To comply with the strict new 'no smoking in public buildings' regulations,
Glasgow Airport Authority wishes to remind all passengers that they must
extinguish themselves before entering the terminal building !
Due to recent terrorist threats, the English have raised their security
level from 'Miffed' to 'Peeved'. Soon, though, security levels may have to
be raised yet again to 'Irritated' or even 'A Bit Cross.' Londoners have
not been 'A Bit Cross' since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies all, but
ran out. Terrorists have been re-categorized from 'Tiresome' to a 'Bloody
Nuisance.' The last time the British issued a 'Bloody Nuisance' warning
level was during the great fire of 1666.
Also, the French government announced yesterday that it has raised its
terror alert level from 'Run' to 'Hide.' (The only two higher levels in
France are 'Surrender' and 'Collaborate') The rise was precipitated by the
recent fire that destroyed France's white flag factory, effectively
paralyzing the country's military capability.
It's not only the English and French that are on a heightened level of
Italy has increased the alert level from 'Shout Loudly and Excitedly' to
'Elaborate Military Posturing.' The next two more levels remain
'Ineffective Combat Operations' and 'Change Sides.'
The Germans also increased their alert state from 'Disdainful Arrogance' to
'Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs.' They also have two higher
levels - 'Invade a Neighbour' and 'Lose'.
The Swedes are all on holiday - as usual - but remain concerned that they
can sell to both sides of any future potential conflict and they have
enough Alan keys to put it all together !
Belgians, on the other hand, are only worried about is NATO pulling out of
Pouring oil - troubled water
I know I'm never going to understand women.
I'll never understand, for example, how they can take boiling hot wax, pour
it onto their upper thigh, rip the hair out by the root - and yet still be
afraid of a little spider !
A man and his wife were having an argument about who should make the coffee
The wife said, "You should do it because you get up first and then we don't
have to wait as long to get our coffee.
The husband countered, "You are in charge of cooking around here and you
should do it, because that is your job, and anyway I can just wait for my
The wife replies, "No, you should do it, and anyway - it says in the Bible
that the man should make the coffee."
The husband says, incredulously, "Don't be stupid. Where in the Bible does
it say that men should make the coffee ?"
His wife goes off and fetches the Bible and opens it at the New Testament.
"There," she says, triumphantly, "What does it say at the top of the page
The man answered, "It says 'HEBREWS' !"
Exercise for the Irish
Begin by standing on a comfortable surface, where you have plenty of room
at each side.
With a 5-lb potato sack in each hand, extend your arms straight out from
your sides and hold them there as long as you can.
Try to reach a full minute - and then relax.
Each day, you'll find that you can hold this position for just a bit
After a couple of weeks, move up to 10-lb potato sacks, again initially for
a full minute, if you feel confident enough.
Then go for the 50-lb potato sacks and eventually move up to the stage
where you can lift a 100-lb potato sack in each hand and hold your arms
straight for more than a full minute.
After you feel confident at that level, put a potato in each of the sacks !
Silence of the lummock
A man and his wife were having some problems at home and, as a consequence,
were giving each other the silent treatment.
Suddenly, the man realised that the next day, he would need his wife to
wake him at 5am for an early morning business flight.
Not wanting to be the first to break the silence - and therefore 'lose' -
he wrote on a piece of paper, 'Please wake me at 5am', left it where he
knew she would find it, and went to sleep.
The next morning the man woke up to discover it was already 9am and he had
missed his flight !
Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't woken him, when he
noticed a piece of paper by the bed.
The note read, 'It is 5am. Wake up !"
Christ, call that holy water !
Four little boys were concerned because they couldn't get anyone to play
They decided it was because they hadn't been baptized and didn't go to
Consequently they went to the local Church, where one of the little boys
said, "We need to be baptized because no one will come out and play with
us. Will you baptize us ?"
"Sure," said the caretaker.
With that he took them into the toilet and dunked their little heads - one
at a time - in the toilet bowl and said, "There you go, you are now
officially baptized !"
When they got outside, one of them asked, "What religion do you think we
The oldest one said, "We're not Kathlick, ......because they pour the water
"We're not Babtis," said another, "Because they dunk all of you in the
"We're not Methdiss," chipped in the third, "Because they just sprinkle
water on you."
The littlest one said, "Didn't you smell that water ? I think it means
we're 'Pisspatarians' !"
Blarney : 1
Paddy's wife is ready to give birth, so he rushes her into Galway General
On arrival, the midwife says to Paddy, "Is she dilated ?"
"Dilated ?" shrieks Paddy, "B'jaysus, she's over da bloody moon !"
Blarney : 2
Sean applies for a job at the local Blacksmith.
The owner says, "Have you had any experience of shoeing horses ?"
"No," replies Sean, "But Oi once told a donkey to sod off !"