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Tommy Cooper - Jokes

berni888 Avatar
8y, 1m agoPosted 8 years, 1 month ago
(Think I've removed all the duplicates that have already been posted about 5 months back)

Two Aerials meet on a roof - fall in love - get married
The ceremony was rubbish but the reception was brilliant.

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Man goes to the docs, with a strawberry growing out of his head.
Doc says, 'I'll give you some cream to put on it.'

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Two elephants walk off a cliff...... boom boom!

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So I went to the dentist.
He said 'Say Aaah.'
I said 'Why?'
He said 'My dog's died.'
---------------------------------

So I got home, and the phone was ringing. I picked it up, and said
'Who's speaking please?'
And a voice said 'You are.'
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So I rang up my local swimming baths.
I said 'Is that the local swimming baths?'
He said 'It depends where you're calling from.'
---------------------------------

So I rang up a local building firm,
I said 'I want a skip outside my house.'
He said 'I'm not stopping you.'
---------------------------------

Now, most dentists' chairs go up and down, don't they?
The one I was in went back and forwards.
I thought 'This is unusual'.
And the dentist said to me
'Mr. Cooper, get out of the filing cabinet.'

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So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me 'Can you give me
a lift?'

I said 'Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it.'
---------------------------------

Two cannibals eating a clown.
One says to the other 'Does this taste funny to you?'

---------------- -----------------

Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, and
the other was eating fireworks.

They charged one and let the other one off.

---------------------------------

You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today.
They left a little note on the windscreen; it said 'Parking Fine.'

So that was nice.

---------------------------------

A man walked into the doctors,
The doctor said 'I haven't seen you in a long time'
The man replied, 'I know I've been ill'

---------------------------------

A man walked into the doctors, he said 'I've hurt my arm in several
places'

The doctor said, 'well don't go to those places'

---------------------------------

I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I
couldn't find any.

---------------------------------

I got some HP sauce yesterday.
It's costing me 6p a month for the next 2 years.
------ ---------------------------

Two blondes walk into a building..........you'd think at least one of
them would have seen it.

--------------------------------

Phone answering machine message -

'...If you want to buy marijuana.............press the hash key...'

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I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid that he
couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf.

He said, 'No, the steaks are too high.'

---------------------------------

My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli.
A strong currant pulled him in.

---------------------------------

A man came round in hospital after a serious accident.
He shouted, 'Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!'
The doctor replied, 'I know you can't, I've cut your arms off'.

---------------------------------

I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a mussel.

---------------------------------

Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly.
They lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all
that you can't have your kayak and heat it.

---------------------------------
Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with
hundreds and t housands.

Police say that he topped himself.
---------------------------------

Ireland's worst air disaster occurred early this morning when a small
two-seater Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery.

Irish search and rescue workers have recovered 1826 bodies so far and
expect that number to climb as digging continues into the night.
berni888 Avatar
8y, 1m agoPosted 8 years, 1 month ago
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(5) Jump to unreadPost a comment
Comments/page:
#1
i'm still laughing at the elephant one!!!!!!!!!boom boom:w00t:
#2
:thumbsup:Some oldies but they made me laugh!
#3
[FONT=Arial]Excellent! Tommy Cooper really was a comedy genius.[/FONT] :-D:thumbsup:
#4
Nice jokes :thumbsup:
#5
Brilliant humour.. :thumbsup:

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