> OLD telephone directories make ideal personal address books, simply
> cross out the names and address of people you don't know.
DON'T waste money on expensive ipods. Simply think of your favourite
> tune and hum it. If you want to "switch tracks", simply think of another
> song you like and hum that instead.
> DON'T waste money on expensive paper shredders to avoid having your
> identity stolen. Simply place a few dog turds in the bin bags along with
> your old bank statements.
> HOMEOWNERS: Prevent burglars stealing everything in the house by simply
> moving everything in the house into your bedroom when you go to bed. In
> the morning, simply move it all back again.
> SAVE money on expensive personalised car number plates by simply
> changing your name to match your existing plate. - Mr. KVL 741Y,
> DON'T waste money buying expensive binoculars; simply stand closer to
> the object you wish to view.
> SAVE electricity by turning off all the lights in your house and walking
> around wearing a miner's hat.
> HOUSEWIVES, the best way to get two bottles of washing-up liquid for the
> price of one is by putting one in your shopping trolley and the other in
> your coat pocket.
> SAVE on booze by drinking cold tea instead of whisky. The following
> morning you can create the effects of a hangover by drinking a thimble
> full of washing up liquid and banging your head repeatedly on the wall.
> SAVE a fortune on laundry bills. Give your dirty shirts to Oxfam, they
> will wash and iron them and you can buy them back for fifty pence.
> OLD people, if you feel cold indoors this winter, simply pop outside for
> ten minutes without a coat. When you go back inside you will really feel
> the benefit.
> CAN'T afford contact lenses? Simply cut out small circles of cling film
> and press them into your eyes.
> WHY pay the earth for expensive jigsaws? Just take a bag of frozen chips
> from the freezer and try piecing together potatoes.
> MIX tea with coffee, and leave in the fridge to cool. Hey presto!
> MAKE your own inexpensive mints by leaving blobs of toothpaste to dry on
> a window sill. Use striped toothpaste to make humbugs.
> SHOPPERS, when buying oranges, get more for your money by peeling them
> before taking them to the counter to be weighed.
> WOMEN: Don't waste energy faking orgasms. Most men couldn't care less
> anyway and you could use the saved energy to Hoover the house
> MANCHESTER UNITED FANS - save money on expensive new kits by simply
> strapping a large fake p**is to your forehead. Your allegiance is now clear to all.
> AN empty aluminium cigar tube filled with angry wasps makes an
> inexpensive vibrator.