All my own work, heres a quick bit of sit down comedy for you this lunchtime...
I've just been on a once-in-a-lifetime holiday. I'll tell you what, never again.
I'm currently dating a couple of anorexics. Two birds, one stone.
I picked up a hitch hiker. You've got to when you hit them.
I bought one of those anti-bullying wristbands when they first came out. I say 'bought', I actually stole it off a short, fat ginger kid.
As a kid I was made to walk the plank. We couldn't afford a dog.
Being an England supporter is like being the over-optimistic parents of the fat kid on sports day.
What do you call a kid with no arms and an eyepatch? Names.
Dave drowned. So at the funeral we got him a wreath in the shape of a lifebelt. Well, it's what he would have wanted.
For Vanessa Feltz, life is like a box of chocolates: Empty.
Wooden spoons are great. You can either use them to prepare food. Or, if you can't be bothered with that, just write a number on one and walk into a pub…
Thanks, I'm here all week