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Weak I know, but I'll warm up!

WantOne Avatar
8y, 5m agoPosted 8 years, 5 months ago
Car Keys --------
A bloke has locked his car keys inside his vehicle. He stands by the side of his car looking completely fed up when a chap walks up and asks him what the problem is.
"I've locked my car keys in my car and can't get in," says the first individual.

"No problem mate," says the second chap. "Stand to one side and I'll
get you in."

The first chap does as he's asked and stands to one side. The second chap moves in front of the door handle, turns around, and rubs his bum against the door lock. Almost instantly the car door unlocks.

"Strewth!" says the first fella, "How did you manage that?"

"Easy," says the second bloke, "I'm wearing my Khaki trousers."
WantOne Avatar
8y, 5m agoPosted 8 years, 5 months ago
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#1
thats terrible....thanks for ruining my night
#2
i hope u will warm up.lol 2 out of 10
#3
Advice From Kids

1. Never trust a dog to watch your food.
Patrick, age 10

2. When your dad is mad and asks you, "Do I look
stupid?" don't answer him.
Michael, 14

3. Never tell your mom her diet's not working.
Michael, 14

4. Stay away from prunes.
Randy, 9

5. Never pee on an electric fence.
Robert, 13

6. Don't squat with your spurs on.
Noronha, 13

7. Don't pull dad's finger when he tells you to.
Emily, 10

8. When your mom is mad at your dad, don't let her brush your hair.
Taylia, 11

9. Never allow your three-year old brother in the same room as your school assignment.
Traci, 14

10. Never hold a dust buster and a cat at the same time.
Kyoyo, 9

11. You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.
Armir, 9

12. Felt markers are not good to use as lipstick.
Lauren, 9

13. Don't pick on your sister when she's holding a baseball bat.
Joel, 10

14. When you get a bad grade in school, show it to your mom when she's on the phone.
Alyesha, 13

15. Never try to baptize a cat.
Eileen, 8
#4
1. For every mile that you jog, you add one minute to your life. This enables you, at age 85, to spend an additional 5 months in a nursing home at $5,000 per month.

2. My grandmother started walking 5 miles a day when she was 60. Now she's 97and we don't now where the heck she is.

3. The only reason I would take up jogging is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.

4. I joined a health club last year, spent about $400. Haven't lost a pound. Apparently you have to show up.

5. I have to exercise early in the morning before my brain figures out what I am doing.

6. I don't exercise at all. If God meant us to touch our toes, he would have put them further up our body.

7. I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.

8. I have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them.

9. The advantage of exercising every day is that you die healthier.

10. If you are going to try cross country skiing, start with a small country.

11. And last, but not least, I don't jog - it makes the ice jump right out of my glass.
#5
Four worms were placed into four separate jars.

The first worm was put into a jar of alcohol.
The second worm was put into a jar of cigarette smoke.
The third worm was put into a jar of sperm.
The fourth worm was put into a jar of soil.

After one day:

The first worm -- dead
Second worm -- dead
Third worm -- dead
Fourth worm -- alive

Lesson:
As long as you drink, smoke and have sex, you won't get worms.
#6
This is really grim.......but worth a read!

This is really disgusting.....................
1. Every year, parks in London alone are doused in one million gallons of dog urine.
2. The germs present in human faeces can pass through up to ten layers of toilet paper.
3. The best recorded distance for projectile vomiting is 27 feet.
4. Contrary to popular belief, if you swallow chewing gum it does not stay in the gut. Usually it will pass-through the system and is excreted without incident. However, several cases have been reported where the gum has stuck in the rectum, causing the unfortunate sufferer to excrete long sticky trails of gum, like a pink spider’s web.
5. Several well-documented instances have been reported of extremely obese people flushing aircraft toilets whilst still sitting on them. The vacuum action of these toilets sucked the rectum inside out.
6. It is physically possible to cough your guts up.
7. If your body’s natural defences failed, the bacteria in your gut would consume you within 48 hours,literally eating you from the inside out.
8. What is one of the most difficult items for sewage works to handle, as it is insoluble, yet fine enough to pass through most filtration systems? (Every month Thames Water removes over a ton of this substance from its water treatment plants, whereupon it is taken away to a landfill site and buried) You guessed it - pubic hair.
9. Parasites count for 0.01% of your body weight.
10. Henry II was murdered by his homosexual lover, who pushed a red-hot poker 0.5 metres up his rectum.
11. The longest recorded tapeworm found in the human body was 33 metres in length.
12. A woman who had recently visited South America, where she had safaried in local rainforest, began to experience severe pains in her left ear, accompanied by headaches, dizziness and constant rustling sounds, at first put down to tinnitus. It became so serious that exploratory surgery was required, which revealed that a spider which had become trapped in her ear. Eventually it had eaten through her eardrum and was living within the aural cavity. The rustling sounds were from the spider crawling around inside her skull. An egg sac was also removed.
13. A man in Australia was concerned about a growing lump on his nose, was examining it in the mirror and saw a red back spider crawl out. Doctors found an entire red back nest inside his nose.
14. An obese woman was admitted to a Queensland hospital with stomach pains, it turned out that her T.V. remote control was stuck in between rolls of fat and had become an abscess.
15. Another woman in Queensland who had lost a lot of weight went to the doctor with a big,hard, horn-like object protruding from her abdomen. Closer examination determined that it was years of compacted belly-button fluff.
#7
maybe it's monday night and me been tired from the weekend but ... where's the joke for the 1st post?
1 Like #8
Two dwarfs go into a bar, where they pick up two prostitutes and take them to their separate hotel rooms. The first dwarf, however, is unable to get an erection. His depression is enhanced by the fact that, from the next room, he hears cries of, "ONE, TWO, THREE...UUH!" all night long. In the morning, the second dwarf asks the first, "How did it go?" The first whispered back, "It was so embarrassing. I simply couldn't get a hard on." The second dwarf shook his head. "You think that's embarrassing?" he asked. "I couldn't even get on the ****ing bed"
#9
and on why IR35 makes sense

A contractor dies in a car accident on his 40th birthday and finds himself greeted at the Pearly Gates by a brass band. Saint Peter runs over, shakes his hand and says "Congratulations!" "Congratulations for what?" asks the contractor. "Congratulations for what?" says Saint Peter. "We're celebrating the fact that you lived to be 160 years old." "But that's not true," says the contractor. "I only lived to be forty." "That's impossible," says Saint Peter. "We've added up the chargeable hours from your time sheets."
#10
kippy
maybe it's monday night and me been tired from the weekend but ... where's the joke for the 1st post?

Khaki = car key

Trousers!

OK, Its lame, B I G S T Y L E! ! ! !
#11
ooo ok. lol i'll get it in the morning i'm sure lol.
#12
THESE ARE ACTUAL TEST QUESTIONS AND ANSWERS FROM SCHOOLS AROUND THE
COUNTRY.

Q: Name the four seasons.
A: Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.

Q: Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink.
A: Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists.

Q: What is a planet?
A: A body of earth surrounded by sky.

Q: What causes the tides in the oceans?
Moon. All water tends to flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight.

SOCIOLOGY
Q: What guarantees may a mortgage company insist on?
A: If you are buying a house, they will insist you are well endowed.

Q: What are steroids?
A: Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs.

BIOLOGY
Q: What happens to your body as you age?
A: When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental.

Q: What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty?
A: He says good-bye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery.

Q: Name a major disease associated with cigarettes.
A: Premature death.

Q: How can you delay milk turning sour?
A: Keep it in the cow.

Q: How are the main parts of the body categorized?
(e.g., abdomen.)
A: The body is consisted into three parts - the brainium, the borax and the abdominal cavity. The
branium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs, and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels,
A,E,I,O,U.

Q: What is the Fibula?
A: A small lie.

Q: What does "varicose" mean?
A: Nearby.

Q: Give the meaning of the term "Caesarian Section."
A: The caesarian section is a district in Rome.

Q: What is a seizure?
A: A Roman emperor.

Q: What is a terminal illness?
A: When you are sick at the airport

Q: Give an example of a fungus. What is a characteristic feature?
A: Mushrooms. They always grow in damp places and so they look like umbrellas.

ENGLISH
Q: Use the word "judicious" in a sentence to show you understand its meaning.
A: Hands that judicious can be soft as your face.

Q: What does the word "benign" mean?
A: Benign is what you will be after you be eight.

TECHNOLOGY
Q: What is a turbine?
A: Something an Arab wears on his head.

RELIGION
Q: What is a Hindu?
A: It lays eggs.
#13
kippy
ooo ok. lol i'll get it in the morning i'm sure lol.


Nah you won't

I just re-read it and its CARP!

Still, am trying!

Will make up for it now!

M
#14
http://icanhascheezburger.files.wordpress.com/2008/03/funny-pictures-cat-blinds-abort-retry-fail.jpg
hehehehe ... jk, keep em coming, getting there!
#15
KNITTING
A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway. Glancing at the car, he as astounded to see that the blonde behind the wheel was knitting! Realizing that she was blivious to his flashing lights and siren, the trooper cranked down his window, turned on is bullhorn and yelled, "PULLOVER!"
"NO," the blonde yelled back, "IT'S A SCARF!"


BLONDE ON THE SUN

A Russian, an American, and a Blonde were talking one day. The Russian said, "We were the first in space!" The American said, "We were the first on the moon!" The Blonde said, "So what, we're going to be the first on the sun!"
The Russian and the American looked at each other and shook their heads. "You can't land on the sun, you idiot! You'll burn up!" said the Russian.To which the Blonde replied, "We're not stupid, you know. We're going at night!"

SPEEDING TICKET
A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely if he could see her license. She replied in a huff, "I wish you guys would get your act together. Just yesterday you take away my license and then today you expect me to show it to you!"


THE VACUUM
A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night. It was her turn. She rolled the dice and she landed on "Science & Nature." Her question was, "If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?" She thought for a time and then asked, "Is it on or off?"


FINAL EXAM
The blonde reported for her university final examination that consists of 'yes/no" type questions. She takes her seat in the examination hall, stares at the question paper for five minutes, and then in a fit of inspiration takes her purse out, removes a coin and starts tossing the coin and marking the answer sheet Yes for Heads and No for Tails. Within half an hour she isall done whereas the rest of the class is sweating it out. During the last few minutes, she is seen desperately throwing the coin, muttering and sweating. The moderator, alarmed, approaches her and asks what is going on. "I finished the exam in half an hour. But I'm rechecking my answers."


BLONDE STEWARDESS

An airline captain was breaking in a new blonde stewardess. The route they were flying had a stay-over in another city, so upon their arrival, the captain showed the stewardess the best place for airline personnel to eat, shop and stay overnight. The next morning as the pilot was reparing
the crew for the day's route, he noticed the new stewardess was missing. He knew which room she was in at the hotel and called her up wondering what happened to her. She answered the phone, sobbing, and said she couldn't get out of her room. "You can't get out of your room?" the captain asked, "Why not?" The stewardess replied, "There are only three doors in here," she cried, "one is the bathroom, one is the closet, and one has a sign on it that says, 'Do Not Disturb'!"

THE BLONDE JOKE TO END ALL BLONDE JOKES!
There was a blonde woman who was having financial troubles so she decided to kidnap a hild and demand a ransom. She went to a local park, grabbed a little boy, took him behind a tree and wrote this note. "I have kidnaped your child. Leave $10,000 in a plain brown bag behind the big oak tree in the park tomorrow at 7AM. Signed, The Blonde"

She pinned the note inside the little boy's jacket and told him to go straight home.The next orning, she returned to the park to find the $10,000 in a brown bag, behind the big oak tree, just as she had instructed. Inside the bag was the following note..."Here is your money. I cannot believe that one blonde would do this to another!
#16
kippy
http://icanhascheezburger.files.wordpress.com/2008/03/funny-pictures-cat-blinds-abort-retry-fail.jpg
hehehehe ... jk, keep em coming, getting there!


JK? ! ? ! ?

:whistling:
#17
Can only get better! Another Oldie!

The Boss

WHEN THE BODY WAS FIRST MADE ALL ITS PARTS WANTED TO BE BOSS...

THE BRAIN SAID: Since I control everything and do all the work I should be boss.

THE FEET SAID: Since I carry man where he wants to go and get him to do what the Brain wants, I should be boss.

THE HANDS SAID: Since I must do all the work and earn all the money to keep all the rest of you going, I should be boss.

THE EYES SAID: Since I must look out for all of you and tell you where danger lurks, I should be boss.
And so it went with the Heart, the Ears, and the Lungs. Finally the A55hole spoke up and demanded that he be boss. All the other parts laughed and laughed at the idea of an a55hole being boss.

The A55hole was so angered that he blocked himself off and refused to Function. Soon the Brain was feverish, the Eyes crossed and ached, the Feet were too weak to walk, the Hands hung limply at his side, the Heart and Lungs struggled to keep going. All pleaded with the Brain to relent and let the A55hole be boss, and so it happened. All parts did the work and the A55hole just bossed and passed out a lot of ****.

MORAL: You don't have to be a brain to be boss, just an A55hole.
#18
This geezer is sitting reading his Sun newspaperwhen the wife sneaks up behind him and whacks him on the head with a frying pan.

"What was that for?" he says.

"That was for the piece of paper in your trouser pockets with the name Mary-Ellen written on it,"
she replies.

"Don't be daft," he explains, "two weeks ago when I went to the races, Mary-Ellen was the name
of one of the horses I bet on."

She seems satisfied at this, and mortified that she's been so violent.

So she apologises profusely, and goes off to do work around the house.

Three days later he's again sitting in his chair reading when she nails him with an even bigger frying pan, knocking him out cold.

When he comes around, he says, what the hell was that for?"
.
.
.
.
"Your ****ing horse phoned!"
#19
where ... do you get this brand of humour?
#20
Dear Receiver,
You have just received an Irish virus.

Since we are not so technologically advanced in Ireland, this is a MANUAL virus.

Please delete all the files on your hard disk yourself and send this mail to everyone you know.

That'd be grand, thanks.

Paddy O'Hacker
#21
Application for the Jerry Springer Show

Last name: ________________

First name: (Check appropriate box)
(_) Billy-Bob
(_) Billy-Joe
(_) Billy-Ray
(_) Billy-Sue
(_) Billy-Mae
(_) Billy-Jack

What does everyone call you?
(_) Booger
(_) Bubba
(_) Junior
(_) Sissy
(_) Other___________________

Age: ____ (if unsure, guess) _____ Not sure

Shoe Size: ____ Left ____ Right

Occupation: (Check appropriate box)
(_) Farmer
(_) Mechanic
(_) Hair Dresser
(_) Unemployed
(_) Dirty Politician
(_) Preacher

Spouse's Name:_________________________
2nd Spouse's Name:______________________
3rd Spouse's Name:______________________
Lover's Name:___________________________

Relationship with spouse: (Check
appropriate box)
(_) Sister
(_) Brother
(_) Aunt
(_) Uncle
(_) Cousin
(_) Mother
(_) Father
(_) Son
(_) Daughter
(_) Pet

Number of children living in household:_____

Number of children living in shed: ______

Number that are yours: ______

Mother's Name: _______________________(If not sure, leave
blank)
Father's Name: _______________________(If not sure, leave
blank)

Education: 1 2 3 4 (Circle highest grade completed)

Total number of vehicles you own: ___
Number of vehicles that still crank: ___
Number of vehicles in front yard: ___
Number of vehicles in back yard: ___
Number of vehicles on cement blocks: ___

Firearms you own and where you keep them:
____ truck
____ bedroom
____ bathroom
____ kitchen
____ shed

Model and year of your pickup: 196_

Do you have a gun rack?
If no, please explain:


Newspapers/magazines you subscribe to:
(_) The National Enquirer
(_) The Globe
(_) TV Guide
(_) Soap Opera Digest
(_) Rifle and Shotgun

Number of times you've seen a UFO:_____

Number of times in the last 5 years you've seen Elvis:_____

Number of times you've seen Elvis in a UFO:_____

How often do you bathe:
(_) Weekly
(_) Monthly
(_) Not Applicable

Colour of eyes:
Right_____ left_____

Colour of hair:
(_) Blond
(_) Black
(_) Red
(_) Brown
(_) White
(_) Clairol

Colour of teeth:
(_) Yellow
(_) Brownish-Yellow
(_) Brown
(_) Black
(_) N/A

Brand of chewing tobacco you prefer:
(_)Red-Man

How far is your home from a paved road?
(_) 1 mile
(_) 2 miles
(_) Just a whoop-and-a-holler!
(_) road?
#22
A Scotsman, an Italian, and an Irishman are in a bar. They are having a good time and all agree that the bar is a nice place.

Then the Scotsman says, "Aye, this is a nice bar, but where I come from, back in Glasgee, there's a better one. At MacDougal's, ye buy a drink, ye buy another drink, and MacDougal himself will buy yir third drink!" The others agree that sounds like a good place.

Then the Italian says, "Yeah, dat's a nica bar, but where I come from, dere's a better one. In Roma, dere's this place, Vincenzo's. At Vincenzo's, you buy a drink, Vincenzo buys you a drink. You buy anudda drink, Vincenzo buys you anudda drink." Everyone agrees that sounds like a great bar.

Then the Irishman says, "You tink dat's great? Where Oi come from in Oirland, dere's dis place called Morphy's. At Morphy's, dey boy you your forst drink, dey boy you your second drink, dey boy you your tird drink, and den, dey take you in de back and get you laid!" "Wow!" say the other two. "That's fantastic! Did that actually happen to you?" "No," replies the Irish guy, "but it happened to me sister!
#23
Money -

It can buy a House, But not a Home;
It can buy a Bed, But not Sleep;
It can buy a Clock, But not Time;
It can buy you a Book, But not Knowledge;
It can buy you a Position, But not Respect;
It can buy you Medicine, But not Health;
It can buy you Blood, But not Life;
It can buy you Sex, But not Love.
So you see, money isn't everything. And it often causes pain and suffering.

I tell you all this because I am your Friend, and as your Friend, I want to take away your pain and suffering... So send me all your money and I will suffer for you. Cash is fine.
#24
I'm sorry for saying, but they are getting better, I found this one!!



Two old ladies were outside their nursing home, having a smoke,when it started to rain.
One of the ladies pulled out a condom, cut off the end, put it over her cigarette, and continued smoking.



Lady 1: What's that?
Lady 2: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet.
Lady 1: Where did you get it?
Lady 2: You can get them at any drugstore.




The next day, Lady 1 hobbles herself into the local drugstore and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms. The guy,obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely (she is, after all,over 80 years of age), but very delicately asks what brand she prefers.

Lady 1: Doesn't matter son, as long as it fits a Camel.
The pharmacist fainted.
#25
I Know its old, but there are some out there who dont remember a world without Email!


Subject: Cows - national differences



TRADITIONAL CAPITALISM
You have two cows.
You sell one and buy a bull.
Your herd multiplies, and the economy grows.
You sell them and retire on the income.

AN AMERICAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows. You are surprised when the cow drops dead.

A FRENCH CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You go on strike because you want three cows.

A JAPANESE CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk. You then create clever cow cartoon images called Cowkimon and market them World-Wide.

A GERMAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You reengineer them so they live for 100 years, eat once a month, and milk themselves.

A BRITISH CORPORATION
You have two cows.
Both are mad.

AN ITALIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows, but you don't know where they are.
You break for lunch.

A RUSSIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You count them and learn you have five cows.
You count them again and learn you have 42 cows.
You count them again and learn you have 12 cows.
You stop counting cows and open another bottle of vodka.

A SWISS CORPORATION
You have 5000 cows, none of which belong to you.
You charge others for storing them.

A HINDU CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You worship them.

A CHINESE CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You have 300 people milking them.
You claim full employment, high bovine productivity, and arrest the newsman who reported the numbers.

AN ISRAELI CORPORATION
So, there are these two Jewish cows, right?
They open a milk factory, an ice cream store, and then sell the movie rights. They send their calves to Harvard to become doctors. So, who needs people?

ENRON VENTURE CAPITALISM
You have two cows.
You sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a debt/equity swap with an associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax exemption for five cows. The milk rights of the six cows are transferred via an intermediary to a Cayman Island company secretly owned by the majority shareholder who sells the rights to all seven cows back to your listed company. The annual report says the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more. Sell one cow to buy a new president of the United States, leaving you with nine cows. No balance sheet provided with the release. The public buys your bull.
#26
TOP EIGHT MORONS OF THE YEAR


1. WILL THE REAL DUMMY PLEASE STAND UP? AT&T fired President John Walter after nine months, saying he lacked intellectual leadership. He received a $26 million severance package. Perhaps it's not Walter who's lacking intelligence.

2. WITH A LITTLE HELP FROM OUR FRIENDS: Police in Oakland, California spent two hours attempting to subdue a gunman who had barricaded himself inside his home. After firing ten tear gas canisters, officers discovered that the man was standing beside them in the police line, shouting "Please come out and give yourself up."

3. WHAT WAS PLAN B??? An Illinois man, pretending to have a gun, kidnapped a motorist and forced him to drive to two different automated teller machines, wherein the kidnapper proceeded to withdraw money from his own bank accounts.

4. THE GETAWAY! A man walked into a Topeka, Kansas, Kwik Stop, and asked for all the money in the cash drawer. Apparently, the take was too small, so he tied up the store clerk and worked the counter himself for three hours until police showed up and grabbed him.

5. DID I SAY THAT??? Police in Los Angeles had good luck with a robbery suspect who just couldn't control himself during a lineup. When detectives asked each man in the lineup to repeat the words, "Give me all your money or I'll shoot, the man shouted, "That's not what I said!"

6. ARE WE COMMUNICATING?? A man spoke frantically into the phone, "My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart!" "Is this her first child?" the doctor asked. "No!", the man shouted, "This is her husband!".

7. NOT THE SHARPEST TOOL IN THE SHED!! In Modesto, California, Steven Richard King was arrested for trying to hold up a Bank of America branch without a weapon. King used a thumb and a finger to simulate a gun, but unfortunately, he failed to keep his hand in his pocket. (hellllllooooooo!)
8. THE GRAND FINALE Last summer, down on Lake Isabella, located in the high desert, an hour east of Bakersfield, California, some folks, new to boating, were having a problem. No matter how hard they tried, they couldn't get their brand new 22 ft going. It was very sluggish in almost every maneuver, no matter how much power was applied. After about an hour of trying to make it go, they putted to a nearby marina, thinking someone there could tell them what was wrong. A thorough topside check revealed everything in perfect working condition. The engine ran fine, the outdrive went up and down, the prop was the correct size and pitch. So, one of the
marina guys jumped in the water to check underneath. He came up choking on water, he was laughing so hard. NOW REMEMBER ...THIS IS TRUE... Under the boat, still strapped securely in place, was the trailer.
#27
Marine Corps General Reinwald was interviewed on the radio the other day and you have to read his reply to the lady who interviewed him concerning guns and children. Regardless of how you feel about gun laws, you gotta love this!!! This is one of the best comeback lines of all time.

This is a portion of a National Public Radio (NPR) interview between a female broadcaster and US Marine Corps General Reinwald who was about to sponsor a Boy Scout Troop visiting his military installation.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER: So, General Reinwald, what things are you going to teach these young boys when they visit your base?

GENERAL REINWALD: We're going to teach them climbing, canoeing, archery and shooting.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER: Shooting! That's a bit irresponsible, isn't it?

GENERAL REINWALD: I don't see why, they'll be properly supervised on the rifle range.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER: Don't you admit that is a terribly dangerous activity to be teaching children?

GENERAL REINWALD: I don't see how. We will be teaching them proper rifle discipline before they even touch a firearm.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER: But you're equipping them to become violent killers.

GENERAL REINWALD: Well, you're equipped to be a prostitute, but you aren't, are you?
#28
Another good one!....

Mr Smith went to the Doctor's office to collect his wife's test results.
Receptionist: "I'm sorry, sir, but there has been a bit of a mix-up and we have a problem. When we sent the samples from your wife to the lab, the samples from another Mrs. Smith were sent as well and we are now uncertain which one is your wife's. Frankly, that's either bad or terrible." Mr Smith: "What do you mean?"
Receptionist: "Well, one Mrs. Smith has tested positive for Alzheimers disease and the other for AIDS. We cannot tell which is your wife."
Mr.Smith: "That's terrible! What am I supposed to do now?"
Receptionist: "The doctor recommends that you drop your wife off in the middle of town and if she finds her way home, don't sh*g her."
#29
An elderly man lay dying in his bed. In death's final agony, as he started to slip away, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favorite chocolate chip cookies wafting up the stairs. He gathered his remaining strength and lifted himself from the bed. Leaning against the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom, and with even greater effort forced himself down the stairs. Gripping the railing with both hands, he crawled downstairs defying the pull of Morpheus. With laboured breath, he leaned against the door-frame, gazing in the kitchen. Were it not for the immense pain caused by his extreme exertions, he would have thought himself already in heaven for there spread out upon greaseproof paper on the kitchen table were hundreds of his favourite chocolate chip cookies. Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of heroic love from his devoted wife, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man? Mustering one great final effort, with tears in his eyes, he threw himself towards the table, landing on his knees in a rumpled heap. His parched lips
parted: the wondrous taste of crumbling biscuit was already mentally in his mouth, seeming to bring him back to life. He felt renewed strength pulsate through his body. The aged and withered hand trembled on its way to a lone biscuit at the edge of the table, when it was suddenly smacked with a spatula by his wife...... "**** off, " she said, "they're for the funeral."
#30
okayyy .... think generally monday is not a good stand up night ...
http://tbn0.google.com/images?q=tbn:ynrU9P_rZnGGFM:http://reporter.blogs.com/photos/uncategorized/2008/02/14/76786592.jpg
#31
Subject:IF MEN WROTE THE RESPONSES TO THE COSMOPOLITAN AGONY COLUMN


Q: My husband wants to experience three-in-a-bed-sex with me and my sister.

A: Your husband is clearly devoted to you. He cannot get enough of you, so he goes for the next best thing - your sister. Far from being an issue, this will bring all of the family together. Why not get some cousins involved? If you are still apprehensive, then let him go with your relatives, buy him a nice, expensive present, and cook him a nice meal and don't mention this aspect of his behaviour.

Q: My husband continually asks me to perform oral sex with him.

A: Do it. Sperm is not only great tasting, but has only 10 calories a spoonful. It is nutritious and helps you to keep your figure and gives a great glow to the skin. Interestingly, a man knows this. His offer to you to perform oral sex with him is totally selfless. Oral sex is extremely painful for a man. This shows he loves you. Best thing to do is to thank him, buy him a nice, expensive present, and cook him a nice meal.

Q: My husband has too many nights out with the boys.

A: This is perfectly natural behaviour - and it should be encouraged. The man is a hunter and he needs to prove his prowess with other men. Far from being pleasurable, a night out with the boys is a stressful affair, and to get back to you is a relief for your partner. Just look back at how emotional and happy the man is when he returns to his stable home. Best thing to do is to buy him a nice, expensive present, and cook him a nice meal and don't mention this aspect of his behaviour.

Q: My husband doesn't know where my clitoris is.

A: Your clitoris is of no concern to your husband. If you must mess with it do it in your own time. To help with the family budget you may wish to videotape yourself while doing this, and to sell it at flea markets. To ease your selfish guilt, buy your man a nice expensive present, and cook him a delicious meal.

Q: My husband is uninterested in foreplay.

A: Foreplay to a man is very hurtful. What it means is that you do not love your man as much as you should - he has to work a lot to get you in the mood. Abandon all wishes in this area, and make it up to him by buying a nice expensive present, and cooking a nice meal.

Q: My husband has never given me an orgasm.

A: The female orgasm is a myth. It is fostered by militant, man-hating feminists and is a danger to the family unit. Don't mention it again to him and show your love to him by buying a nice expensive present and don't forget to cook him a delicious meal.

Q: How do I know if I'm ready for sex ?

A: Ask your boyfriend. He'll know when the time is right. When it comes to love and sex, men are much more responsible, since they're not confused emotionally as women. It's a proven fact.

Q: Should I have sex on the first date ?

A: YES. Before if possible.

Q: What exactly happens during the act of sex ?

A: Again, this is entirely up to the man. The important thing to remember is that you must do whatever he tells you without question. Sometimes, however, he may ask you to do certain things that may at first seem strange to you. Do them anyway.

Q: How long should the sex act last ?

A: There is no average time, but anything over two minutes is good. Anything under that and you may be rushing your man. After your man has finished making love, he'll have a natural desire to leave you suddenly, and go out with his friends to play golf. Or perhaps another activity, such as going out with his friends to the bar for the purpose of consuming large amounts of alcohol and sharing a few personal thoughts with his buddies. Don't feel left out-while he's gone you can busy yourself by doing his laundry, cleaning his apartment, or perhaps even going out to buy him an expensive gift. He'll come back when he's ready.


Q: What is "afterplay?"

A: After a man has finished making love, he needs to replenish his manly energy. "Afterplay" is simply a list of important activities for you to do after the lovemaking. This includes lighting his cigarette, making him a sandwich or pizza, bringing him a few beers, or leaving him alone to sleep while you go out and buy him an expensive gift.

Q: Does the size of the ***** matter ?

A: Yes. Although many women believe that quality, not quantity, is important, studies show this is simply not true. The average erect male ***** measures about 3 inches. Anything longer than that is extremely rare and, if by some chance your lover's sexual organ is 4 inches or over, you should go down on your knees and thank your lucky stars and do everything possible to please him, such as doing his laundry, cleaning his apartment and buying him an expensive gift.
#32
kippy
ok .... think generally monday is not a good stand up night ...


You're still here!

:p
#33
A guy sticks his head in the barber shop and asks, 'How long before I can
get a haircut?' The barber looks around the shop and says, 'About two
hours.' The guy leaves.
A few days later, the same guy sticks his head in the door and asks,
'How long before I get a haircut?' The barber looks around the shop full of
customers and says, 'About two hours.' The guy leaves.
A week later, the same guy sticks his head in the shop and asks, 'How
long before I can get a haircut?' The barber looks around the shop an says,
'About an hour and a half.' The guy leaves.
The barber looks over at a friend in the shop and says, 'Hey Bill, follow
that guy and see where he goes.' In a little while, Bill comes back into the
shop laughing hysterically.
The barber asks, 'Bill, where did he go when he left here?'
Bill looked up and said, 'To your house.'
#34
A Cracking Little Johnny Gag
Little Johnny's next door neighbour had a baby. Unfortunately, the baby was
born with no ears. When they arrived home from the hospital, the new parents
invited Little Johnny's family over to see the new baby. Little Johnny's
parents being very afraid their son would have a wise crack to say about the
baby had a long talk with Little Johnny before going to the neighbours. They
said, 'Now son, that poor baby was born without any ears. We want you to be
on your best behaviour and not say one word about his ears, or you're really
going to get your bottom spanked when we get back home.'
'Okay,' said little Johnny, 'I promise not to mention his ears at all.'
So off they went to see the new baby. At the neighbours home Little Johnny
leaned over the crib and touched the baby's hand gently. He looked at it's
mother and said, 'Oh what a beautiful little baby!'
The mother, who had braced herself for what Johnny might say, was pleasantly
surprised and said, 'Thank you very much Johnny.'
He then said, 'This baby has perfect little hands, and perfect little feet.
Why just look at his pretty little eyes... Did the doctor say he can see
good?'
The mother said a bit bewildered, 'Why yes... the doctor said he has 20/20
vision, Why do you ask?'
Little Johnny said, 'Well, it's a f***ing good thing, 'cause he sure as he1l
can't wear glasses!!!
#35
yeah been trying to shop ... retail therapy?? so in and out of this thread.
#36
kippy
yeah been trying to shop ... retail therapy?? so in and out of this thread.


Bad ones are out of the way now!

I will (try ) to lolok at some better ones tommorrow, but will be doing a return 3 hour trip to Leicester tomrrow

Might not fancy posting after that!!
#37
awesome! loved them!
#38
toooooooooooooooo much writing. It is honestly making me feels sick loooool. Keep to the shorter jokes ;-) so then i can tell them to me m8s :-D
#39
evolution
(some swear words)
#40
Made me giggle :)

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