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what should i do???!!

compo Avatar
8y, 6m agoPosted 8 years, 6 months ago
i havent seen my two daughters for 10 years, i take full responsibility for this, it was my fault. i walked out on them because their mother was having an affair, i kept in contact for a 2 years but then other things happened during the divorce, i met someone else and all contact ceased.
I have just located them on facebook , just wondering what to do.

Leave well alone, and dont cause them any more pain
or
get in touch and leave them the choice as to wether to talk to me.

any constuctive help please
compo Avatar
8y, 6m agoPosted 8 years, 6 months ago
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#1
How old are they?
#2
How old are they/you?
#3
Titchimp
How old are they?


lol
#4
sorry 16 and 14
banned#5
oh wow this is a biggy, i think only you can decide what is best for you and as for what is best for them you really cant know
#6
hmmm difficult. Very emotional age. Unless you have a real reason to get back in touch like you're dying or something I'd wait until they're a bit older and more likely to understand.
#7
Maybe try and contact their mum? Tell her what your thinking, so that it doesnt come as a complete suprise. Obviously this would all depend on your relationship with her..
banned#8
My daughter is 14 and her dad died when she was little, we had seperated and he married someone, the situation became impossible for him and he walked away form his daughter, when he did this hs family also walked away from her and now when we talk about her other family she says she wouldnt be interested in contacting them, but if she could have her dad back i know what her answer would be
#9
Personally and you did ask, I would wait for them to contact you.
They obviously know you are out there and they are getting older now and will be asking questions and wanting answers.
Facebook is not a good idea for contacting them IMHO.
Good luck on whatever you decide.
#10
In my opinion i would let them no you would like to be in contact with them and let them take it from there! Be real general and open about it and let them know you will not be angry at them if they don't want to yet! http://www.forumsextreme.com/imgs1/sSig_goodluck.gif

Also a letter addressed to them might be a better way than facebook!
#11
Titchimp
Maybe try and contact their mum? Tell her what your thinking, so that it doesnt come as a complete suprise. Obviously this would all depend on your relationship with her..


Yeah, if that's at all possible then it'd probably be a good idea - especially as one of them is only 14...
#12
i last spoke to thier mum about 4 years ago and asked about them, i was told that the oldest didnt want to know me and the youngest was undecided. i haven,t got a clue where they are living i know its near High wycombe.
#13
I think you should send a letter saying that you would like to get in contact and why, and then leave it up to them. They may want to get in contact but think that you dont care, at least they will know that you do this way.

If you do get in contact though, make sure that you are ready to answer some very difficult questions and stay in touch now

Edit: Just seen your post about what their mum said. They may have said that to her because they thought it was what she wanted to hear, they wouldnt to hurt her feelings
#14
If i were one of your daughters, and the relationship hadn't been too poisoned by your ex, I'd want contact from you. I'd be inclined to leave all of your contact details and suggest that they contact you when they're ready to do so, but on the understanding that they tell their Mum about it. This way it shouldn't bite you in the ar5e.

You might need to tell them something about themselves, that only a parent would know, so that you don't come across as a paedo in the first contact made.

This is a biggy like someone else said, but a HUGE round of applause from me for being brave enough to step up. :thumbsup:

Enough from the Jeremy Kyle wannabe, GOOD LUCK AND KEEP US POSTED.
#15
Thanks for all your help so far, not made a decision.
#16
My first thought is that if you would like to get back in contact with them, then send a message and see what happens - why wait till they are older and they miss out on more time with their dad?

Even if they aren't ready right now, then at least take the chance to give them your contact details and hopefully you will at least find out where they are living.
#17
stick an ad in their local paper, that way if they dont see it and mum doesn't see it or tell them someone else might and pass it on, or have a look on facebook,they could be members(but be careful with that you could contact the wrong one). BTW hope it all works out
banned#18
maffster
stick an ad in their local paper, that way if they dont see it and mum doesn't see it or tell them someone else might and pass it on, or have a look on facebook,they could be members(but be careful with that you could contact the wrong one). BTW hope it all works out


maybe a re read of the op may help



anyway compo i wish you good luck in whatever you decide, all children have the right to two parents and its never to late for anyone
#19
I would leave your contact details with them and wait and see what happens, then you are not "pushing" them but giving them the choice.

Hope it all works out well for you, please let us know how it goes.
#20
Write a letter addressed to them. They aren't babies and can make up their own minds. They will be angry at first but humans are a nsey bunch and we have that thing inside us which makes us want to know ourselves and our parents. Just be sure that when you make contact you aren't going to wimp out again and run a mile when things get difficult again and leave them hating you for definite and feeling unloved. I hope everything goes well but staying away is just taking the easy option like too many people do these days. Good Luck
#21
14 and 16 yrs old are pretty wise these days I would get in touch with them and offer for them to be in your life, life is short dont waste any more time they are your children and will always be your children, perhaps they will decide now is not the right time perhaps they have been waiting for you, there is only one way to find out and good luck to you:) I hope it all work out ok, but even if they decide now is not the time I think you will feel a lot better when they are older and may try to contact you, at least you will have made the first move to re-build a relationship, however fragile it may be with your X
#22
This is a tough one, but I think you should do what you think is right for you and your daughters, if that means getting in touch now, or waiting a couple more years, only you can decide what you think is best.
Think about the pros and cons for a week and then decide.
I wish you luck and hope everything turns out the way you want it to. :)
[helper]#23
Lots of good advice - I'd just like to re-iterate what others have said about contacting the mother. Its a good idea (in theory) but she may have her own reasons for not wanting you to contact them and as Kelly mentioned if you go via the mother then the girls may say what they think their mum wants to hear.. I can't see you can do any harm by contacting the eldest by email or letter and that way its very easy for them to say no if they aren't interested.

Good luck. I sometimes wish I had the same courage to contact my father whom I haven't seen in over 20 years....
#24
Just to say i wish you all the luck in the world, and my dad is my hero. Give them the choice, at least then the balls in their court.
#25
I think you should try and make contact with the mum first, you could leave your contact number with her?
She may be in the best position to judge how the children will react. ( hopefully she will do whats best for her kids?)
If you were my dad I would want you to look for me. 10 years is a long time, but if you leave it longer or until your children look you up, there may be more questions for you to answer?
This must be very difficult, I wish you good luck.
#26
Your ex may have been in the wrong, but what you have done is terrible...

No child should be without a parent...

You need to contact your ex and explain what you want to do...

You have no part in the childrens lives as you have been away for so long...

The children are at important parts of their lives, exams maturing etc etc...

An introduction now could be disturbing for their lives...

My son is 8 in September and i have had to fight in Court for every second i spend with him...

This started when he was 2 months old and it still continues now...

It's a shame you didn't realise 10 years ago just how important your children are...

Good luck...
#27
I would say go for it, we only live once, they will have your contact details if they wish to contact you.

I know its gonna be tough either way but you have to face yourself for rejection, incase they dont want to know, also whos to say that if you leave it they wont bother with facebook much longer as they grow older and do other things then you may of missed your chance to ever gain contact.

Good luck with what you decide, i hope the best comes out of a bad situation, let us know the outcome x
#28
It's a tricky one. Never met my Dad, and TBH it's never really bothered me. He's never tried to get in touch (as far as I'm aware) so never given any thought to trying to find him.

If he did ever get in touch though,don't quite know how I'd be.
#29
Someone on another site I was on decided to go on a quest to find his dad before moving to the USA. He's in his mid-30s.

I haven't really been back there lately, and I don't think he has either, so I never did find out if he'd managed to make contact.

Give it a go. If you give them your contact details and they don't want to get in touch just now, at least they have them and will probably get in touch next time they have some "big news". That normally brings families together...
#30
well i have just sent them both a message and the ball is in thier court now, thank you all for you advise.
banned#31
awwww best of luck mate xx
#32
compo
well i have just sent them both a message and the ball is in thier court now, thank you all for you advise.


Good for you. Fingers crossed for a very happy outcome :thumbsup:
#33
hope it all works out for you :thumbsup:
#34
My Mum and my half brother,they not spoken for almost 2 decades and she finally phoned him up just over New Yr. There was a falling out between them concerning my Dad.

As time goes on the worst it gets to make contact.

I think you should.

I'd like to put more on the matter but got company soon and I'm still in dressing gown lol.
#35
compo
well i have just sent them both a message and the ball is in thier court now, thank you all for you advise.


:thumbsup:
#36
My oh dad did not hear from his dad for 19yrs and when he got in touch they started to see and call each other,he met his sister and stepmum and is now very close to them,i would leave a message for them and leave it up to them
#37
well its friday afternoon and i have heard nothing.
#38
Least you made the first move and know you are interested if they ever decide in the future to contact you.
#39
I really hope this works out for you all. It's very difficult to keep the lines of communication open in these situations, if you have lost contact it doesn't always mean that you were not bothered or that the children are not important to you.
#40
Well speaking from the 'other side' My son has recently been contacted by his father who he has never seen since he was born. The dad and I split when i was pregnant and his 'father' made a conscious decision to never support me and son emotionally or financially all my son's life. It's been really hard bringing my son up single handedly. His 'father' contacted him via an internet social site and it's been the most damaging thing to happen to me and my family. I know my situation is completely different to yours, as you have had contact with your x and kids, but I think facebook is the worst way to go about things, in particular when you're dealing with young people at a vulnerable age. I must add, I support my son's right to know about his 'dad' but would have rather a letter and a softer approach than invading privacy. I have now cancelled any facebook etc, as it's caused the worst invasion of privacy you can imagine, and I'm still trying to deal with the outfall.
Having said that, I do wish you luck - I do think you have a right to see your kids, so long as you are prepared to be the type to support them long term. Just be careful how you do it, that's just my warning. Upset the mum at this stage and you may ruin something you are trying hard to acheive. Sorry, hope I haven't come across as negative, it's all still a bit raw at the mo for me!

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