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What Would You Define As Cheating??

wishihadadonkey Avatar
[mod] 5y, 5m agoPosted 5 years, 5 months ago
As above, what would you define as cheating? My sil rang us last night in floods of tears, she's kicked her husband out and wants to divorce him.
She says he's cheated and can never forgive him, they are both teachers, they were supposed to attend a retirement party for a colleague who is also returning home to Australia, she wasn't well, so he went on his own, he got extremely drunk, and ended up kissing and groping his colleagues 22 yr old daughter on the dance floor. He was so drunk he didn't remember the incident, one of their mutual colleagues told my sil yesterday ( it happened last Friday, and they thought she knew ).
She says its cheating and its over, my husband agrees with her, I don't agree, think he made a drunken mistake and they should try to work it out.
wishihadadonkey Avatar
[mod] 5y, 5m agoPosted 5 years, 5 months ago
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1 Like #1
Everyone defines cheating differently.

Only your sister can make the decision,personally I would keep my snout out.

Do you really think creating this thread was a good idea?

Edited By: boothy on Jun 17, 2011 09:05
banned#2
The definition of cheating is purely personal to the individual. I would agree with you OP though drink is an easy excuse...
#3
think its a personal things some people could forgive it some can't and she is clearly someone who can't.

think i agree though i would feel it was cheating and would have a hard timje forgiving it but cos I have kids for a drunken mistake i may think about forgiving them whether i did or not is another thing lol
banned 1 Like #4
What's a sil?
#5
My own definition of cheating is when someone deliberately chooses to set out and be with someone else. That said we all have different boundaries which are personal to us. I would be devastated but would see it like you; as a drunken mistake that we could possibly move forward from. My marriage means the world to me and I would like to think I would fight for it (luckily my husband feels the same!) I was cheated on by my first husband (full blown affair) and we did try to work things out, but he knew what he was doing and eventually I couldn't move on from that.
I hope your SIL gets lots of support to find the strength to make a decision best for all of them xx
[mod][Moderator] 1 Like #6
JonnyTwoToes
What's a sil?

sister in law
1 Like #7
While drink can release inhibition, it does not make you do things you don't want to. At the very least this is a sign of a problem in the relationship.
banned#8
JonnyTwoToes
What's a sil?


I'm guessing sister in law and the OP is too embarrassed to says her brother is the cheat!

Seems a v harsh decision for a drunken snog. Is the sil a bit mental?
banned 2 Likes #9
If she's better looking than your SIL then it isn't cheating. It's really her own fault in that case.
[mod][Moderator] 1 Like #10
nat66
My own definition of cheating is when someone deliberately chooses to set out and be with someone else. That said we all have different boundaries which are personal to us. I would be devastated but would see it like you; as a drunken mistake that we could possibly move forward from. My marriage means the world to me and I would like to think I would fight for it (luckily my husband feels the same!) I was cheated on by my first husband (full blown affair) and we did try to work things out, but he knew what he was doing and eventually I couldn't move on from that.
I hope your SIL gets lots of support to find the strength to make a decision best for all of them xx


Thanks Nat, its come out of nowhere, they've both been on the phone all night, tbh I think their colleague is blowing it up a bit too, he says he remembers dancing and giving her a peck on the cheek, she was told he was full on in there, she went home in floods of tears after the colleague told her, I've told her to speak to someone she really trusts at work and ask them
#11
Bit harsh wanting a divorce for a drunken kiss imo, if he had gone the full hog then that would be different .
Your sil is probably just in shock atm and will probably realise that soon ..........i would just make him suffer and grovel for a long time :D
[mod][Moderator] 1 Like #12
guv
JonnyTwoToes
What's a sil?

I'm guessing sister in law and the OP is too embarrassed to says her brother is the cheat!

Seems a v harsh decision for a drunken snog. Is the sil a bit mental?

Nah, its my husbands sister, she's not a mental, but she's a bit insecure :p
banned#13
boothy
Everyone defines cheating differently.

Only your sister can make the decision,personally I would keep my snout out.

Do you really think creating this thread was a good idea?


Keeping your snout out would not be classed as cheating.
[mod][Moderator] 1 Like #14
boothy
Everyone defines cheating differently.

Only your sister can make the decision,personally I would keep my snout out.

Do you really think creating this thread was a good idea?


Don't have a snout, just a delicate nose, and would like to keep that out, but between myself and oh, we have been on the phone to them for over 6 hours last night.
3 Likes #15
Harsh but fair, If he had his chance he may of done her around the back, The intent was their, May be it was lust but he should lust for his wife.
banned#16
wishihadadonkey
guv
JonnyTwoToes
What's a sil?


I'm guessing sister in law and the OP is too embarrassed to says her brother is the cheat!

Seems a v harsh decision for a drunken snog. Is the sil a bit mental?


Nah, its my husbands sister, she's not a mental, but she's a bit insecure :p


Is that cause she's ugly? Fat? Hairy?
1 Like #17
hmmm, a gross mistake behaving completely inappropriately, you get so drunk you can't control yourself and not remember it, I'm sure that the husband is sorry. However, if this appears to be completely out of character then I do feel that reconciliation is achievable but I don't know the the history or if there has beenuynderlying issues from the OP.
banned#18
wishihadadonkey
guv
JonnyTwoToes
What's a sil?


I'm guessing sister in law and the OP is too embarrassed to says her brother is the cheat!

Seems a v harsh decision for a drunken snog. Is the sil a bit mental?


Nah, its my husbands sister, she's not a mental, but she's a bit insecure :p


Lol.... I did say I was guessing! So has he nowhere to live now and been chucked out of his gnome?
[mod][Moderator] 1 Like #19
FilthAndFurry
wishihadadonkey
guv
JonnyTwoToes
What's a sil?

I'm guessing sister in law and the OP is too embarrassed to says her brother is the cheat!

Seems a v harsh decision for a drunken snog. Is the sil a bit mental?

Nah, its my husbands sister, she's not a mental, but she's a bit insecure :p

Is that cause she's ugly? Fat? Hairy?

She had a major op last year, the chemo had the usual side effects.


Alfonse
hmmm, a gross mistake behaving completely inappropriately, you get so drunk you can't control yourself and not remember it, I'm sure that the husband is sorry. However, if this appears to be completely out of character then I do feel that reconciliation is achievable but I don't know the the history or if there has beenuynderlying issues from the OP.

No issues upto now, been married for 17 years, together 20, seem a very normal happy couple, she went through health problems last year, but he was there for her every step of the way, she was only saying a few weeks back that her illness bought them even closer together.
banned#20
jellybaby22
I would want a divorce too tbh, I think even flirting if the intention to do more is there, is cheating,
Doesn't even have to be physical.... And for my point of view there would be no forgiveness, I would divorce him and probably make his life a misery after I had cut out his Tongue and chopped his nuts off!! ( OH take note if your reading this)

What??? You was flirting with me last night... at least that's how I saw it :D
#21
well i would think it would be a combo of things...in front of her work mates for a start and to be told by one of them...omg i would die.
I would kill my o/h if he did this..but i know he never would. We trust each other and anyway he would never have gone to a party without me!
I think she needs to have a good think before she does anything rash...and if they have kids moreso.
I wouldnt keep discussing it with them tho let them sort it themselves?

oh i just saw they have been together a long time...and he was ill-has it made her more insecure? not that this is her doing...but maybe isnt helping how she feels?

Edited By: plumberman01 on Jun 17, 2011 09:27
[mod][Moderator] 1 Like #22
guv
wishihadadonkey
guv
JonnyTwoToes
What's a sil?

I'm guessing sister in law and the OP is too embarrassed to says her brother is the cheat!

Seems a v harsh decision for a drunken snog. Is the sil a bit mental?

Nah, its my husbands sister, she's not a mental, but she's a bit insecure :p

Lol.... I did say I was guessing! So has he nowhere to live now and been chucked out of his gnome?

Whats a footballer got to do with this? :p
[mod][Moderator] 2 Likes #23
plumberman01
well i would think it would be a combo of things...in front of her work mates for a start and to be told by one of them...omg i would die.
I would kill my o/h if he did this..but i know he never would. We trust each other and anyway he would never have gone to a party without me!
I think she needs to have a good think before she does anything rash...and if they have kids moreso.
I wouldnt keep discussing it with them tho let them sort it themselves?

Its really hard tho, I want to be supportive to her, she's lovely, we were just going round in circles last night and it will be the same today, I have suggested they both come here for a few days for a break, he's a really nice person, I can't really believe it of him, thats why I've said ask her head teacher or someone else, I've got it at the back of my head, the person who told her ( did it in private ) is winding her up a bit and making it out to be worse. A peck on the cheek at the end of a dance would be normal for him.
banned#24
He got a bit drunk and kissed someone - he can say sorry, buy her some flowers and move on.

Although now he knows his wife is mental he should probably keep one eye on the exit door and safeguard his assets.
#25
wishihadadonkey
plumberman01
well i would think it would be a combo of things...in front of her work mates for a start and to be told by one of them...omg i would die.
I would kill my o/h if he did this..but i know he never would. We trust each other and anyway he would never have gone to a party without me!
I think she needs to have a good think before she does anything rash...and if they have kids moreso.
I wouldnt keep discussing it with them tho let them sort it themselves?


Its really hard tho, I want to be supportive to her, she's lovely, we were just going round in circles last night and it will be the same today, I have suggested they both come here for a few days for a break, he's a really nice person, I can't really believe it of him, thats why I've said ask her head teacher or someone else, I've got it at the back of my head, the person who told her ( did it in private ) is winding her up a bit and making it out to be worse. A peck on the cheek at the end of a dance would be normal for him.


oh right, yeah sounds like the account of that evening need to be verified before any further action is taken.
[mod][Moderator] 1 Like #26
jellybaby22
Some people can forgive a kiss or even more but I think the thing is will she be able tonput it behind them or will she drag it up in every argument for years ( I know I would :p )
If she can and get some trust back then they can move on.... But I think you wouldn't trust him ever again... In which case there's no point being together...... What a pillock though.... In front of the people she works with ???



We're women, I drag up every single thing my oh has done wrong when we argue, thats why it lasts so long, takes a good couple of hours for me to reel the list out lol.
I'm not a good agony aunt, esp when I'm tired, have told oh its his family, his problem, sort it, bless him he's gone to work looking like a rabbit in headlights

Edited By: wishihadadonkey on Jun 17, 2011 09:43
#27
Plum
While drink can release inhibition, it does not make you do things you don't want to. At the very least this is a sign of a problem in the relationship.


Agreed - and definitely cheating IMO. Being drunk is never an excuse. If you know you can't control yourself (which is bad enough) then don't drink that much...
1 Like #28
The way I see it, if the action is something that will cause hurt to your partner then it's cheating.

People have different levels of tolerance of what they consider cheating. I measure by the issue would i like it done to me? If the answer is no then it's a step to far.
Luckily I've never been tempted to even look at another man, but i think thats the result of being in love with my hubby. My personal view is When your genuinely in love you don't notice other people, you only have eyes for your partner.

In this case that fact he has been inclined to even look at other women, highlights there is a problem. Acting on it just brings it out in the open and is possibly just a way to either end it or get attention.

Edited By: skellysgirl on Jun 17, 2011 09:52
banned#29
Is this the sister thread of the one about the bloke cheating on his wife for 6 months?
#30
Give her time to calm down and talk to her friends, I agree with others that the idea of cheating is a personal thing but she may change her mind given time to think about it. I know someone who's husband actually cheated she destroyed his belongings outed what he had done on facebook and had just about started divorce proceedings, but then after talking to others and taking the time to think decided she really still loved him and they are working things out. What she has done and said is a gut reaction which is normal but she may change her mind. Be there for her and support her, give her your opinion but in the end it's up to her. she has to live with him and only she can decide if she can forgive and forget. Hope everything works out well what ever the decision.
#31
If it was a one off, stupid drunken mistake then I would be able to forgive but everyone is different.
Just been through something similar, but it was not a one off stupid mistake. My OH was texting, phoning,e-mailing and even meeting someone else!!!! We are still together at the moment but the trust has gone.
#32
wishihadadonkey
nat66
My own definition of cheating is when someone deliberately chooses to set out and be with someone else. That said we all have different boundaries which are personal to us. I would be devastated but would see it like you; as a drunken mistake that we could possibly move forward from. My marriage means the world to me and I would like to think I would fight for it (luckily my husband feels the same!) I was cheated on by my first husband (full blown affair) and we did try to work things out, but he knew what he was doing and eventually I couldn't move on from that.
I hope your SIL gets lots of support to find the strength to make a decision best for all of them xx



Thanks Nat, its come out of nowhere, they've both been on the phone all night, tbh I think their colleague is blowing it up a bit too, he says he remembers dancing and giving her a peck on the cheek, she was told he was full on in there, she went home in floods of tears after the colleague told her, I've told her to speak to someone she really trusts at work and ask them


It does sound like someone is stirring things up a bit there, always a difficult one when 'well meaning' colleagues give their version. It will be tough for her to accept any other version than the 'full on' version. Hopefully they'll take you up on the offer of a few days to talk things through x
#33
wishihadadonkey
guv
JonnyTwoToes
What's a sil?

I'm guessing sister in law and the OP is too embarrassed to says her brother is the cheat!

Seems a v harsh decision for a drunken snog. Is the sil a bit mental?

Nah, its my husbands sister, she's not a mental, but she's a bit insecure:p

well it seem she has reason to be!
1 Like #34
So he was daft enough to snog the young filly in front of his wife's colleagues? Wow - that is gross stupidity and I would recommend that she does not allow him to father children. She would not want her kids to inherit his stupid gene.
#35
ham82
wishihadadonkey
guv
JonnyTwoToes
What's a sil?

I'm guessing sister in law and the OP is too embarrassed to says her brother is the cheat!

Seems a v harsh decision for a drunken snog. Is the sil a bit mental?

Nah, its my husbands sister, she's not a mental, but she's a bit insecure:p

well it seem she has reason to be!

Indeed! If he can do things like this in front of people he knows then what is he like when he's on his own?!
#36
i dont know..she has been told in private..didnt she get looks off others who were there? i mean it would be difficult to hide your feelings if you had seen it surely? esp since some of the staff must have some loyalty to her?
#37
I try to take little notice of my girlfriend if she's drunk too much (unless I'm with her of course) - I trust her enough so that she'd tell me if anything happened and if she didn't know about what she was doing then I'd say it's probably ok (aslong as things didn't escalate)
1 Like #38
I guess it's a typical knee jerk reaction to say it's over.

But,i would be thinking allsorts,like what if he's done it before etc and like JB dragging it up at every opportunity.

It's a shame,i hope they do work it out.
#39
Similar thread here btw for more thoughts

http://www.hotukdeals.com/misc/cheating/868201
#40
unless he poked the fire all is good..... anyway he was drunk so thats ok lol

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