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what would you do if your mother did/does this

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ok most of you know i dont get on with my mother but shes getting worse. everyday she comes down and mumbles to herself ( normally calling me everything under the sun) she thinks i cant hear her, the… Read More
vinylandtrinkets Avatar
7y, 7m agoPosted 7 years, 7 months ago
ok most of you know i dont get on with my mother but shes getting worse.
everyday she comes down and mumbles to herself ( normally calling me everything under the sun) she thinks i cant hear her, then moans about her house and her builder, then tells my son he's going to get swine flu now hes back at school ( he was sent home yesterday after being sick and that freaked him out big time) then she sits on my sofa and goes to sleep.

now today she did the same thing but instead of going out the back to smoke as we all do she stood in the middle of my kitchen and flicked her fag ash all over my floor! i didnt notice until she went back to sleep so i gets teh hoover cleans up the mess, sits on my chair to start listing on ebay and out she comes lights up and i tell her to go out the back and stop flicking her ash over my floor, she went flaming mental telling me im stroppy,a f.ing nutter, you only have one kid not a f;ing hundred, i told her if she didnt like it she knows where the door is as i want a clean house, she said you calling my f;ing house dirty ( it is) i said no but i want a nice clean house, she opened my door slamed it with the lock up and now it wont lock properly, im fuming so much i could scream,
my son is off sick from school ( theres 20 kids in his class off with the same virus) Our GP has sent his urine off for testing im worried sick bout him and she starts.
my poor dad is now caught in the middle as he knows im right and what she is like yet he wont section her ( its a long long long story as to why she should be)

i smoke as does my hubby but never in the house cos our boy is asthmatic and i hate the smell

what would you have done?? cos shes emailing me now full of foul language and trying to make me feel bad
vinylandtrinkets Avatar
7y, 7m agoPosted 7 years, 7 months ago
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#1
Buy her some flowers and savour the smile, no matter how long it lasts:)
#2
you can call her and gp and telll him off her behaviour he can call for an assesment of her mental state ,

i take from what you say that she has already been diagnosed with mental health issues
singer
#3
Eeeek, what an awful situation to be in.

I obviously don't know the full history, but if there is reason for her to be sectioned, you should not put yourself in her line of fire until she is feeling better. Is it possible to just not let her into your home?
#4
what a nice mother u have there
#5
is there any possibility she is mentally ill? onset of alzheimers or something like?

If she is perfectly healthy and just does this for utter badness I wouldnt have anything to do with her tbh no matter who she is. To come into someone elses house and treat it and the people in it that way is inexcusable.

block her email,dont let her in your house-end of story.

nobody deserves the treatment she is dishing out.
#6
Hun i am not sure what you can do but you need to sit down with your dad and seriously considering getting your mum hospitalised, it is obvious she needs help and you need to explain to your dad that she is making your life a misery, you can't go on like that as you will just end up despising her more.

I really hope you get something sorted out x
#7
It sounds like she definitely has mental health issues, you need to make your dad understand what this is doing to you and make him understand she is a danger to herself and her family.
#8
I know its hard, but if you let yourself get dragged down then life is a misery. And life is too short for misery, even if buying flowers gave a cheer to your Dad that would be good. From what you say it looks like she cant help herself anyway.

Heres a hug
#9
there is no doubt she is having a detrimental effect on you and your family life ,whilst her gp wont asses her , you can call social assistance ( dont know what it is called in england) to have her assesed by a independant health professional who then can call for a psychiatric assesment , i know it seems harsh but sometimes that is what is needed , and as you say she doesnt take her medication there is a cause for her to be assesed

singer
#10
Do you have some sort power in the sectioning side?

Like if you went to the doctor and explained would there be anything that they can do, is she a danger to herself or others?
#11
she sounds very ill,have you tried nhs 24 for advice
#12
I really admire you coping with this as you have done, but perhaps you have to say enough is enough and think of you, your hubby and child. I personally would have nothing to do with her for a while, give yourself some time off and take a break from her, dont answer calls or emails don't even read them, just delete them, make it known she is not welcome at your home and meet your dad elsewhere. explain to him you can't cope with her behaviour at the moment, thats what i would do anyway,
I know its not easy to get someone sectioned they have to be a threat to either themselves or others. Sounds to me like you have done a great job coping with her mental health issues.:thumbsup:
#13
from what i can read and only seeing for the first time not knowin your mum or not , it seems she may have some schizophrenic tendencies , if she is off her medication and her gp is made aware of that , he has the right and the duty of care to make sure she and people around her is safe whether it be in a family or hospitalised enviroment , he is neglecting his care of duty otherwise


singer
#14
vinylandtrinkets
see im sitting here now typing to you guys and im almost in tears cos i feel bad cos i rowed with her and cos my dad will have hell for the next few days


I really really feel for you. I think the situation at the moment is more intensified due to your own child being ill.

I would get another gp involved here as things cant continue like this.

I am heart sorry for you and hope u will keep us updated

I hope your wee one gets well soon and you take it easy
#15
I dont know what to say hun, but life is too short I would get her help asap so you can get back on track or atleast try, I lost my mum at a very young age I envy everyone who has a close relationship with there mum but always try and encourage others that dont to atleast try, she obviously needs help but at the end of the days shes your mum :)
Good Luck xx
#16
vinyl hun , Where a mental health crisis occurs and the person is known/unknown to services, help should first be sought from a GP (family doctor) or in an emergency from Accident and Emergency. They will provide immediate advice and care and refer on to specialist mental health services if required.

i would call accident and emergency
singer
suspended#17
you cant help her she has to help her self.... sorry but i wouldnt have that in my life i would tell her to go get help and you wont be speaking to her till she does..... she may be your mother and she may be ill as some say but that n way gives her the right to do such things and treat you like utter rubbish. She may be ill but the way she is going she will make you ill x
#18
Hun the thing with sectioning is they usually wont intervene unless there is some serious threat to oneself or to others, that's why you're finding that whole area frustrating.

Your Mum obviously SOUNDS like she has some form of mental/emotional distress or personality difficulty.

Sadly there's very little an outside source can do to help her. Counselling might be of help, as may medication, but shed have to firstly admit to some kind of problem, agree to its assessment and then to any treatment prescribed.

The extreme forms of attention seeking behaviour you describe obviously follow someone who is feeling a large amount of stress/ other distress. To us it sounds very immatire and damaged but I couldn't hope to say what is going on with her really.

Your options are :

a) basically put up with it
b) cut all ties
c) any and all forms of grey area between these two extremes.
1 Like #19
What an awful situation to be in. I think the best thing you can do is speak to your dad on his own and explain that you just can't take any more of her. Her behaviour has pushed you all to your limits and it's just reached the point where after X number of years, you can't take it any more. Explain to him that having your mum sectioned would more than likely be a very long term thing, and to be honest it will probably be best for him too because he's not going to have to deal with all this either, so he's not going to be stressed or upset all the time.

You can get your dads place sorted so that he's got phones that he can easily get to around the house, in case of emergency, and reassure him that with your mother being looked after, he's more than welcome to spend as much time as he wants with you as it's not going to be such a stressful experience every time. By refusing your mum treatment she so obviously needs, he's not being fair on her or you.
#20
singer
vinyl hun , Where a mental health crisis occurs and the person is known/unknown to services, help should first be sought from a GP (family doctor) or in an emergency from Accident and Emergency. They will provide immediate advice and care and refer on to specialist mental health services if required.

i would call accident and emergency
singer


there is not enough information for you to make that assessment they would do nothing, Only if she is a risk to herself or others i.e. suicidal threat to self or threatening violent behaviour, the OP has indicated neither, there are many people withsimilar mental health behaviours and worse who live in the community.
#21
i would disown her. she has a negative impact on you and you family. You dont love her as a mother.
ban her fromt he house.
#22
The only way you're going to put a stop to this is by convincing your dad she needs help. I know that's the easiest thing to type, and that doing it is completely different, but you really need to work on him. Tell him in no uncertain terms that it stops, NOW. Say that you're sorry that he won't get a break from her, and that you are not doing it to cause him stress, but you really can't cope anymore. She has damaged your property, and put your sons health at risk. You need to put your foot down. Tell your dad you will help him every step of the way whilst your mum gets the help she desperately needs. But make sure he understands its either that, or you cut all ties.

i really feel for you hun, hope it works out xxxx
#23
cherishu2
i would disown her. she has a negative impact on you and you family. You dont love her as a mother.
ban her fromt he house.


:thumbsup:
suspended#24
Well then be a good mum yourself and walk away you dont have to put up with that , you now have your own child to bring up and tbh if not for yourself for him i waould disown her..... or he will just see disrepect everythime she is round x
#25
@ fairyworks:::: there is not enough information for you to make that assessment they would do nothing,
i know that , i am just giving the op some suggestions as to what can be done, she can call a&e they deal with mental health as well as physical
and it isnt meant to be specific, as i or no one else knows the affected patient
singer
[mod]#26
vinylandtrinkets;6240331
i have done many times but she will make me feel really guilty or stop my dad seeing my son and i give in


If you had no feelings for her you wouldn't feel guilty. :thumbsup:
#27
Syzable
If you had no feelings for her you wouldn't feel guilty. :thumbsup:


That's a good point, you can't be emotionally blackmailed by someone who you don't care about.

My guess is there are feelings there, but they are so buried underneath all this mess it's hard to really feel them.
#28
hopefully you get it sorted out vinyl , you dont need this with young kids and so , hope it all goes well and she gets help bbz

singer
1 Like #29
My own Mum suffers from mental illness (bipolar disorder and schizophrenia) and I am the only one to care for her.
When she is having a bad episode it is truly devastating. She won't admit that she is ill as she hates the mental hospitals and there is absolutely no support whatsoever until she gets to the point where she is a danger to herself or others.
In the past I have had to chase her down the street with my son in his pushchair when she wasnt even dressed properly - asked a passing police car for help but they wouldn't because she hadn't been sectioned.
She has jumped out of my car when I was trying to get her to hospital and walked out of my house half undressed at 3 in the morning

But everytime she is like this it is left to me to get her to voluntarily get her to A&E to be assessed.
The one time I managed to get an ambulance and police car to come I had to exaggerate what she was doing even further as I just couldn't cope - would you consider doing that? It really does sound as though she needs to be sorted out, does she not get any support workers visiting or anything? Her behaviour must be detrimental to your Dad's well-being, too.

I REALLY REALLY feel for you hun, mental illness is so hard to deal with. When she is bad she doesnt listen, she is rude and takes the p*ss out of me and the kids and has no respect for anyones belongings and has broken my stuff before. She also starts drinking heavily at these times which exacerbates things. It's hard to understand that it is because she is ill that she is doing these things and very hard to remain patient with her.

If you ever want to PM me, please feel free - as I completely understand and can try and offer some advice.
#30
good on you mrs z , im sure someone like yourself has dealt first hand may give vinyl some insight and help

singer
#31
vinylandtrinkets
thank you soo much hun, your mum sounds exactly like mine. she does the dangerous things i used to think she didnt know but now im not so sure.
My dad is ill because of her and he knows it, as does she but she just laughs it off with " its all in his/my mind"
i think its time i took charge and if need be get my brother home for a few weeks to help out, none of us can carry on like this anymore,


thanks again guys for all the support and advice of how to handle things


Get some help hun/ decide what to do, before you reach the end of your tether and it impacts detrimentally on you and your kiddies xx
#32
vinylandtrinkets
im going to expire this now, im going to ring my dad and see how he is and whats going on ( i can imagine) then make a phone call to A&E.
thank you all once again


Good on you for deciding to take the action that everyone else seems to be afraid or reluctant to do. It will be for the best in the long run, for all of you :thumbsup:
#33
Hope it goes well xxx
#34
singer
@ fairyworks:::: there is not enough information for you to make that assessment they would do nothing,
i know that , i am just giving the op some suggestions as to what can be done, she can call a&e they deal with mental health as well as physical
and it isnt meant to be specific, as i or no one else knows the affected patient
singer


the above statement makes no sense.I mean no disrespect, but get concerned when i see someone evidently not in the field of social work or mental health offering advice and making statments that are inaccurate whilst attempting to look like they are in a related field to the op. Did not mean to get into a debatenor cause offence or take away from the ops legitimate concerns within this thread.
#35
Mental illness can be a terrible thing,it robs the person of who they truly are and consequently robs those they are closest too likewise.It may be easy to say this but try not to hate your Mum,hate the illness.

My brother is paranoid schitzophrenic and this illness has robbed him of the man he could have been,but in saying that I still love the person he is today.Fortunately he was diagnosed quite early and due in no small part to the dogged persistence of my mum to get him the appropriate treatment.In the early years it was difficult to live with,I was a teen at the time,and fortunately he was never really a danger to anyone only himself.He is now 44 and 'lives' with his condition independently,so in many ways he is one of the lucky ones,many are not.........a bit like your mum.

Your mum needs help which you know and this should be sought with the support of your dad also,maybe get in touch with some mental health charities to see if they can offer any advice or support,they should also be able to offer some sort of advice for those family members who are living with a person with mental illness too......you need the support as well,hun,not just your mum.

Good luck,it won't be easy as you already know.....wishing you all the very best xxxx
banned#36
it sound like your mother is mentally unstable and not something to be moaning about, im sure she doesnt do it just to make you unhappy otherwise you wouldnt be discussing having her sectioned
#37
vinylandtrinkets
thank you all again for your advice,kind words and support.
Ive spoken to my dad over the last 2 days and he will not let me section her, he says he will deal with it all but wont commit her.

I dont know what else i can now do apart from wait until shes ready to come down as she wont appoligise, then wait for it to happen again or something worse maybe.

thank you all once again.



Sorry to hear your dad is still feeling like this. You can't carry on like this though, so maybe it's time to tell your dad that you don't want her involved with you or your family any more. Remind him how much you love him and still want him to be a part of your lives, but you can't take the abuse and aggravation that's resulting from your mums illness any more, and if he won't get her help, then that's the only solution you can see.

I know you said that your mum stopped your dad coming over when you did this before, but it's up to your dad to put his foot down and say he's coming over to see you if he won't get her any help. Whether he'll do this or not, I don't know, but I hope either way that things get easier for you :)

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