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What would you do to resolve this?

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OH has a friend (single) who over the years has regularly come over for the evening and almost always after a few drinks and dinner has ended up staying the night. We are talking many years and many m… Read More
kingy58 Avatar
7y, 1m agoPosted 7 years, 1 month ago
OH has a friend (single) who over the years has regularly come over for the evening and almost always after a few drinks and dinner has ended up staying the night. We are talking many years and many many meals but not once has there been an offer to bring something towards the meal or to invite us. In addition, we have lent a lot of items from books and DVD's right up to the use of a car for a couple of months with many items never being returned. Something happened recently and OH wrote a letter basically saying we felt we were being taken advantage of. We have now received a package returning several items going back some years, no note and a feeling of stalemate. Part of me thinks that if this is the person's true colours, then so be it but what would others do to break this impasse?
kingy58 Avatar
7y, 1m agoPosted 7 years, 1 month ago
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banned#1
Friends are friends. You should never do anything with the anticipation of something in return.
I've helped a few of my friends out in the past financially and other and not had anywhere near what I have spent in return, but hey, isn't that what friends are for?
#2
DO you really want to break this impasse? You've kind of answered your own question when you say "part of me thinks this is the person's true colours". I know it's easy for me to say this as this person isn't a friend of mine but do you really want a "friend" like this in your life? I wouldn't exactly use the phrase "friend" either. I'm all for giving and not receiving but there definitely comes a point where the line is crossed I feel.
banned#3
What are the friends circumstances? Employed? No other friends? No family?
banned#4
JonnyTwoToes
Friends are friends. You should never do anything with the anticipation of something in return.
I've helped a few of my friends out in the past financially and other and not had anywhere near what I have spent in return, but hey, isn't that what friends are for?


It's true you don't give to receive but this is an extreme example of always giving and never receiving. It's also incredibly rude to borrow something and not return it, once or twice maybe if you forget but to continuously do it is bad form.
#5
JonnyTwoToes;7996435
Friends are friends. You should never do anything with the anticipation of something in return.
I've helped a few of my friends out in the past financially and other and not had anywhere near what I have spent in return, but hey, isn't that what friends are for?

Then by the same argument you should be able to tell friends if there's something you're not happy about without falling out.
banned#6
Why write a letter? Could you not just of said it to them? If someone wrote me a letter like that I would take it as an insult as they couldn't talk to me and feel it was a bit narky
#7
Person is employed, no kids to support (unlike us), family, friends (but has fallen out with some of them).
banned#8
kingy58
Then by the same argument you should be able to tell friends if there's something you're not happy about without falling out.


why over a letter tho?
banned#9
Paddy Charlie;7996483
Why right a letter? Could you not just of said it to them? If someone wrote me a letter like that I would take it as an insult as they couldn't talk to me and feel it was a bit narky

yeah - would really annoy me if I got a letter like that.
#10
A letter was written because the only times OH and friend meet is when friend comes here for the evening.
banned#11
csiman
yeah - would really annoy me if I got a letter like that.


Email or text would have been better!!

If this person is employed and they constantly come over for dinner and stay over then they should, at the very least, offer to bring a bottle or dessert or to cook. Do they help with the dishes?
#12
I can entirely understand why you wrote a letter - so what if the "friend" got narked - a true friend wouldn't have dreamed of taking advantage of you for so long without ever returning your things or offering to cook for your in return - sounds like a pretty one-sided friendship to me! Don't bother trying to make amends, this person has clearly shown you their true colours - enjoy your new found freedom to spend time with your family without this scronging hanger-on!!! ;-)
banned#13
kingy58
A letter was written because the only times OH and friend meet is when friend comes here for the evening.


A quiet word over a pint is what I'd of done or expect my friends to do not send them a letter as not the friendliest way to bring it up, very impersonal for someone who is a friend for years
#14
Is the friend male or female?
#15
Person only has e-mail at work and this is not the sort of e a person wants to receive at work. Person doesn't text and if they did how on earth can you say texting would be better.
banned#16
kingy58
Person only has e-mail at work and this is not the sort of e a person wants to receive at work. Person doesn't text and if they did how on earth can you say texting would be better.


Wasn't being serious on that front :thumbsup:
banned#17
kingy58
Person only has e-mail at work and this is not the sort of e a person wants to receive at work. Person doesn't text and if they did how on earth can you say texting would be better.


Gives them a better chance to respond instead of having to write a letter and post it
#18
I know someone like that....totally taking advantage of all her friends. Added to that she'll bad mouth behind the back as well. The friends started talking and she lost most of them including my family. :)
#19
Paddy Charlie;7996612
A quiet word over a pint is what I'd of done or expect my friends to do not set the OH on him with a letter as not the friendliest way to bring it up, very impersonal for someone who is a friend for years

The person in question is OH's friend not mine and it was OH that wrote to her. It isn't an 'over a pint' situation.
#20
screams of A F F A I R.
banned#21
kingy58
Then by the same argument you should be able to tell friends if there's something you're not happy about without falling out.


True, but by writing a letter, you are taking this to an extreme disrupts the core of what true friendship is. I would put money on the fact that this is why he is taking you literally and maybe acting to the extreme.

If someone wrote me a letter of this kind, the first question I'd ask is why they hadn't the gaul to confront me earlier about it.

With true friendship, you should be able to say exactly what is on you mind at anytime without worrying about the consequences.

A friend of mine used to constantly eat at my house when we were younger. Even now I kid him that around dinner time his mum would call "It's dinner time..... go round Jon's house!".

I would lighten up about it. The three of you go for a beer or two and get everything out in the open. It's not actually that important.
banned#22
as I am lucky to have to some really great friends who over the years have cooked, invited me on holiday etc etc, I always made it that I always brought something back to the table, like baby sitting, picking kids up from school as one of my mates the parents both work, buying take away s etc I think it would the hight of bad manners to take take take off your mates, but to me that would not make good mates.. true friendship is all about give and take and not who has done what etc,

In the situation here I think you have both been taken for granted and I would break the impasse by a face to face chat to get it all out in the open

good luck
banned#23
you dont give to recieve, well we dont here, if you didnt want to entertain this friend you didnt have to, you did it through choice, and had you wanted a meal back or summat you could have just said in passing, your turn next
#24
[quote=JonnyTwoToes;7996680]True, but by writing a letter, you are taking this to an extreme disrupts the core of what true friendship is. I would put money on the fact that this is why he is taking you literally and maybe acting to the extreme.

If someone wrote me a letter of this kind, the first question I'd ask is why they hadn't the gaul to confront me earlier about it.

With true friendship, you should be able to say exactly what is on you mind at anytime without worrying about the consequences.

A friend of mine used to constantly eat at my house when we were younger. Even now I kid him that around dinner time his mum would call "It's dinner time..... go round Jon's house!".

I would lighten up about it. The three of you go for a beer or two and get everything out in the open. It's not actually that important.[/quote]

I disagree. I am the main breadwinner primarily working to support my family but as it is OH's friend I am happy to include them up to the point I feel they are taking advantage of our hospitality.
#25
I wouldn;t have sent a letter either tbh...I'd have spoken to her/him face to face when they came round that evening. Even if u didn't want to be too blunt...u coulda said that money's a bit tight right now etc etc.. oh and don't spose u've got those DVD's I leant ya ..only so and so want's them or I wanna stick em on ebay... bit of tacked should have been used in my opinion. I can understand how u don't wanna be walked all over and I would be the same but I am guessing it wasn't malicious and that he/she just wasn't even thinking :thumbsup:
#26
For various reasons I don't want to give too much information, but the last straw was when we went to a show in November (I bought the tickets months earlier and only finally got paid her part by cheque in the 'package'). I was happy to drive and we stopped to get fish and chips on the way home and OH and I stayed in the car while she went in with the kids. My son had to come back to the car to get some money to pay for his and his brother's while she bought hers.
#27
friends for around 10 years.
friend always spent time at my house.
friend moved in when i was short of cash.
friend never payed rent.
friend was kicked out.
friend left half of her crap at my house (including skid stained knickers)
no longer friends
me happy :)
#28
dude, from reading all this, she sounds like a right bitch and someone you wouldnt want to be friends with, id would tell her to give you your stuff back then **** off
#29
You have been taken for a mug for far too long,should have mentioned something earlier,but as others have said face to face or at least on the phone NOT by letter.
banned#30
kingy58
I disagree. I am the main breadwinner primarily working to support my family but as it is OH's friend I am happy to include them up to the point I feel they are taking advantage of our hospitality.


Money shouldn't ever be an issue between true friendship.
#31
I wouldn't do anything to break the impasse.

It seems to me as if your O/H has pretty much decided to ditch the 'friend' by writing the letter.

Although she may be good company, or whatever, whilst partaking of the hospitality of you and your O/H, real friends just don't behave like that. If she decides to make further contact then your O/H and she should sit down (over coffeee at the friends place??) and talk it through.
#32
kingy58
Person is employed, no kids to support (unlike us), family, friends (but has fallen out with some of them).


Guessing its along the same lines.
banned#33
JonnyTwoToes
Money shouldn't ever be an issue between true friendship.


I would think it's not even the money that is the point here.
#34
This problem is very common. Its rare that two friends both have a finely tuned sense of fairness which prevents either abusing the friendship at some point. I have confronted several so-called friends over the years, each time by carefully worded letter, explaining how I felt that they had abused our friendship and what they could do to put it right. I have felt that it is always easier for me to choose precisely the words which needed to be said in writing rather than face-to-face. In each of the instances the friend apologised for his behaviour and begged us to continue the friendship- which I happily agreed to. Its a bit like children- some people push boundaries and need an occasional slap to start behaving again! Having said this I will always help someone (though rarely financially) if I can- not expecting anything in return (often there is not the slightest possibility of a returned favour) but because I believe kindness is often repaid in some way- often in the least expected way and much later. " Be kind to the bellboy, Gordon---" comes to mind.
banned#35
master_chief
I would think it's not even the money that is the point here.


Sounds like it to me.
#36
JonnyTwoToes
Money shouldn't ever be an issue between true friendship.


Clearly isnt true friendship!
#37
kingy58;7996897
For various reasons I don't want to give too much information, but the last straw was when we went to a show in November (I bought the tickets months earlier and only finally got paid her part by cheque in the 'package'). I was happy to drive and we stopped to get fish and chips on the way home and OH and I stayed in the car while she went in with the kids. My son had to come back to the car to get some money to pay for his and his brother's while she bought hers.


I find that disgusting tbh after all you've done for her. She seems selfish and ignorant and doesn't treat you as a friend at all. I'd be happy to see the back of her imho!
banned#38
Spriggan;7997369
I find that disgusting tbh after all you've done for her. She seems selfish and ignorant and doesn't treat you as a friend at all. I'd be happy to see the back of her imho!

totally agree. She sounds like a real tight git. I'd be glad to get shot of her.
banned#39
JonnyTwoToes
Sounds like it to me.


Doesn't to me.
#40
Spriggan
I find that disgusting tbh after all you've done for her. She seems selfish and ignorant and doesn't treat you as a friend at all. I'd be happy to see the back of her imho!


+1

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