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when children ask about death :(

edjaned Avatar
7y, 11m agoPosted 7 years, 11 months ago
my 5 year old has been told my his friend that everybody dies
since then my son keeps asking me questions about when will he die and what happens then and why does he have to die
im not a religious person but i told him there is a better place u go to when u die and mum and dad will be there waiting for him and that he wont die for a long long time and not to worry about it,but he is worrying,it upsets me each time he brings it up then i worry about what i should or shouldnt say
what have u told your kids when they have or if they have asked about death
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edjaned Avatar
7y, 11m agoPosted 7 years, 11 months ago
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#1
Oh my... I wish I had a better answer than this, but my daughter was 3 1/2 when I had to explain where her 48 year old nana had gone... and 5 when I had to expain that her cousin, (who was her age, and in the same class as her at primary school) had died.

To be honest, I think that you have to do your best to tell the truth... without dressing it up too much.

At that age, they shouldn't NEED to know the truth... and I hope your little un's never need to. :-(
#2
There are some good childrens books that help explain about death. have a look around. the only one I can think of right now is
http://www.amazon.co.uk/Goodbye-Mog-Judith-Kerr/dp/0007149697

Edit:
Have a look around through google... I found this http://www.wordpool.co.uk/ccb/feelings/grandparent.htm & http://www.wordpool.co.uk/ccb/feelings/grief.htm
there might be some websites that would help you explain as well.
#3
I have been honest with my children since they can understand words, you need to be honest from the start explain everyone dies eventually and that no-one knows when they will, but there is a better place if you believe in it, luckily my daughter of 8 believes in being reincarnated which i think is quite nice now she under stand as everyone does die in time no matter how old they are. Just be honest dont hold nowt back you get further in life then, i find with my four...
#4
I haven't read through to see what the content is like and if it would be relevant but here is another site that might be useful
http://www.barnardos.org.uk/child_bereavement_booklet_explaining_death.pdf
#5
"Im not a religious person", I would say that's the problem right there...What's the point to life if you have no faith? Maybe a non beliver can explain it to me. No offence or judgment intended, but I think saying that the Son of the Universal architect came down here and told us the script, so ultimately we don't have any problems in life, just guidance to the truth of ourselves, is a better way to put things in to perspective, and to give people, especially children some sort of hope, rather than, if you're good a big fat man with a beard will come down the chimney once a year and give you presents. I honestly wouldn't be here if it wasn't for my faith. Maybe you should search your soul and see what you find, as the answer lives within you...Again, it can be quite difficult trying to explain faith and strength, hope and love to a non beliver so no condescension or intent to be patronizing meant.
banned#6
I was 9 when i learnt about death don't remember how i learnt about it but i cried all night once begging my mum not to die and she promised me she wouldn't. I'll hold it against her when she does eventually go though :)
banned#7
To the post before mine i certainly think it helps to tell a child there is something after death. But to tell them they will go to hell if they sin is just sick.
#8
to rehydrated,

i wish i had faith but i dont and i guess its the same for a lot of people.
most people live because its better than the alternative. i was told i had a brain tumour in may, had the op to take it out in sept and i am still here with my family, but the aftermath of its effects has left me a shadow of my former self both physically and mentally. i know if i had faith i could deal with things much better, if i could take a pill to kid myself into having it believe me i would take it.
1 Like #9
rehydrated
"Im not a religious person", I would say that's the problem right there...What's the point to life if you have no faith? Maybe a non beliver can explain it to me. No offence or judgment intended, but I think saying that the Son of the Universal architect came down here and told us the script, so ultimately we don't have any problems in life, just guidance to the truth of ourselves, is a better way to put things in to perspective, and to give people, especially children some sort of hope, rather than, if you're good a big fat man with a beard will come down the chimney once a year and give you presents. I honestly wouldn't be here if it wasn't for my faith. Maybe you should search your soul and see what you find, as the answer lives within you...Again, it can be quite difficult trying to explain faith and strength, hope and love to a non beliver so no condescension or intent to be patronizing meant.


The point of life is to enjoy it without pretending you are certain there is another, better life to reward or punish you depending on how you live this life. Find beauty and wonder from the cosmos and order to everything around you and find those feelings enhanced by the fact that you are lucky enough to have lived this short time when there are infinite numbers that haven't had that chance.

Don't lie to your child by making something up because you haven't accepted that there is nothing to look forward to yourself - love THIS life and you've missed out on nothing. Tell your son that good things happen and good things happen...

...the truth.

All theories are not as likely as each other.
#10
[email protected]
The point of life is to enjoy it without pretending you are certain there is another, better life to reward or punish you depending on how you live this life. Find beauty and wonder from the cosmos and order to everything around you and find those feelings enhanced by the fact that you are lucky enough to have lived this short time when there are infinite numbers that haven't had that chance.

Don't lie to your child by making something up because you haven't accepted that there is nothing to look forward to yourself - love THIS life and you've missed out on nothing. Tell your son that good things happen and good things happen...

...the truth.

All theories are not as likely as each other.


wow, thats deep for 3am...
I like it :)
1 Like #11
I possibly read a bit much in to things at times, but you are recovering from a "brain tumour" yes? Does the fact that you survived, or that you were maybe close to death, but are now in recovery, does that not make you think that there might be a "higher power" at work?
You are clearly a good parent, and want to do right by your children. You are obviously good at your job or you wouldn't be here, and the Boss wants you here, that's how I look at it.
I am not saying I have Jesus and now everything is easy peasy, because it's not, but I would be lying if I said that he never strengthens me, or guides me in times of need.
On the very rare times, that I maybe doubt myself, I ask for help or guidance, and always there is an answer or a solution to my problem.
I don't want to get all preachy, but I can not emphasize enough the whole "ask and you will receive" bit.
The way I see it is God lives within us. He is there wether we like it or not, because He made us, so what He likes us to do is look for Him. Anywhere and everywhere there are others openly and "secretly" praising Him, so that He knows, and others "searching" or "looking" for Him will also "see" and maybe get the message that their song or music or art or whatever is trying to say...
Once you accept this, and open your heart up to the possibilty of this truth, you only have to ask. It can be a simple, help me, or show me, or a scream and cry for the depth of your being up to the Heavens!
"If you build it He will come" lol.
I am nothing, but through Him and by His grace, there is nothing that I can not do. Do you see what I mean.
All I would say is ask. Literally ask God (Jesus,Lord,Father) to come to you and help you.
Now's the time :-D
#12
bellabonkers
wow, thats deep for 3am...
I like it :)


Thanks/ I'm the only one of my friends that has to work tomorrow. Tired and thoughtful...

I'm also a proud atheist who is frustrated by constant claims to certainty based on wishful thinking.

It's not really 3 is it?
#13
rehydrated
I possibly read a bit much in to things at times, but you are recovering from a "brain tumour" yes?


You are too rude for me to bother reading the rest.
#14
not going to drag this out cos dont want to detract from the op, but no i am not in recovery, that implies i am going to get better. i dont begrudge you your faith, who am i to say you're wrong, but that works both ways. try to support the op and stick to helping not critisising others beliefs or lack of. happy christmas, i hope santa gets you something nice.

to the op, both my lads 7 & 4 have asked about death and heaven, and i say well some people think we go to heaven and others think we come back again, others believe in nothing. when they ask me what i think i tell em, when you are older you will make your own mind up. for now they are going along with the faith thing, im not going to take it away from them, as i said when they are older they will deal with it in their own ways.
#15
rehydrated;3831135
"Im not a religious person", I would say that's the problem right there...What's the point to life if you have no faith? Maybe a non beliver can explain it to me. No offence or judgment intended, but I think saying that the Son of the Universal architect came down here and told us the script, so ultimately we don't have any problems in life, just guidance to the truth of ourselves, is a better way to put things in to perspective, and to give people, especially children some sort of hope, rather than, if you're good a big fat man with a beard will come down the chimney once a year and give you presents. I honestly wouldn't be here if it wasn't for my faith. Maybe you should search your soul and see what you find, as the answer lives within you...Again, it can be quite difficult trying to explain faith and strength, hope and love to a non beliver so no condescension or intent to be patronizing meant.


ideal for a 5 yr old :whistling:

Religion to me is complete tosh and a lifetime of guilt. Best decision I ever made in my life was become a born again atheist. Sadly this happened to me far too late in life than it should have.

The kid just wants a simple answer to the query. Sometimes as parents we get so full of angst that we make things far more complicated than younger ones want.

If you have a religion, that will undoubtedly influence your answer. Do not feel guilty because you have no religion
#16
rehydrated
I possibly read a bit much in to things at times, but you are recovering from a "brain tumour" yes? Does the fact that you survived, or that you were maybe close to death, but are now in recovery, does that not make you think that there might be a "higher power" at work?
You are clearly a good parent, and want to do right by your children. You are obviously good at your job or you wouldn't be here, and the Boss wants you here, that's how I look at it.
I am not saying I have Jesus and now everything is easy peasy, because it's not, but I would be lying if I said that he never strengthens me, or guides me in times of need.
On the very rare times, that I maybe doubt myself, I ask for help or guidance, and always there is an answer or a solution to my problem.
I don't want to get all preachy, but I can not emphasize enough the whole "ask and you will receive" bit.
The way I see it is God lives within us. He is there wether we like it or not, because He made us, so what He likes us to do is look for Him. Anywhere and everywhere there are others openly and "secretly" praising Him, so that He knows, and others "searching" or "looking" for Him will also "see" and maybe get the message that their song or music or art or whatever is trying to say...
Once you accept this, and open your heart up to the possibilty of this truth, you only have to ask. It can be a simple, help me, or show me, or a scream and cry for the depth of your being up to the Heavens!
"If you build it He will come" lol.
I am nothing, but through Him and by His grace, there is nothing that I can not do. Do you see what I mean.
All I would say is ask. Literally ask God (Jesus,Lord,Father) to come to you and help you.
Now's the time :-D


sorry but that whole HIGHER POWER thing made me laugh, ur such an ungreatful person if you think it was a higher power and not the good dr.s and nurses who train so hard to save ppls lives, THEY are the higher power, they are the ones who keep people alive, no-one or nothing else,

as for your kids, jst be honest you dont no when you will die but it happens to everyone oneday, and its nothing to be afraid of as its jst part of being a human. They will appreciate it in the long run!
#17
iglimpse
ideal for a 5 yr old :whistling:

Religion to me is complete tosh and a lifetime of guilt. Best decision I ever made in my life was become a born again atheist. Sadly this happened to me far too late in life than it should have.

The kid just wants a simple answer to the query. Sometimes as parents we get so full of angst that we make things far more complicated than younger ones want.

If you have a religion, that will undoubtedly influence your answer. Do not feel guilty because you have no religion


i think this is 100% true as Jesus is the biggest Cult leader in the world!
#18
scotland88
i think this is 100% true as Jesus is the biggest Cult leader in the world!


i dont think you should make comments bout stuff you dont understand :whistling:
#19
my dad died when i was 4 years old and my mum just told me straight up, no need for lies that everyone dies sometime and that my dad was in heaven with God and hes watching over me, i think its best to be honest with kids about things like that
#20
It is difficult to explain faith to people that have none. It would be like describing snow, or water, or the effect LSD has on the brain to someone who has never experienced it......
The OP asked for advice, personally, I have my faith and I would use that to teach and help my child. I imagine that it is more difficult if you don't believe in anything, or that we all evolved from a single cell organism. The OP mentioned religion, that is why I mention it. I am not so arrogant as to think that I have all the answers, or know anything for that matter, I just know what works for me.
Yes, we all die, fact of life. I just find it so much better and much more worthwhile in believing that there is more to it than meets the eye......
#21
edjaned, my 4 yr old boy is going through the same stage at the minute. he keeps asking if and when he, me, his dad, brother etc will die and what happens and if his pet rabbit will die and what happens etc. he gets quite upset by it all and asks all the time. i have told him that he doesn't have to think about it for a long time because it could be a long way away when it happens but told him, in a positive way (with a smile on my face), that when people and pets die we all go up to heaven and watch over the people who we have left so we can look after them. and we meet up with other people who have died in heaven and live there with them. he obviously asked a lot more questions like can you talk and walk when you're in heaven, etc lol, but he seemed happy about the answers he was given and hasn't asked for a while about it.... hope this helps. :)
[admin]#22
Guys, I don't think this thread is about whether the OP is religious or not- she's already stated she isn't, so please can we keep it on topic. Thanks
#23
rehydrated
"Im not a religious person", I would say that's the problem right there...What's the point to life if you have no faith? Maybe a non beliver can explain it to me. No offence or judgment intended, but I think saying that the Son of the Universal architect came down here and told us the script, so ultimately we don't have any problems in life, just guidance to the truth of ourselves, is a better way to put things in to perspective, and to give people, especially children some sort of hope, rather than, if you're good a big fat man with a beard will come down the chimney once a year and give you presents. I honestly wouldn't be here if it wasn't for my faith. Maybe you should search your soul and see what you find, as the answer lives within you...Again, it can be quite difficult trying to explain faith and strength, hope and love to a non beliver so no condescension or intent to be patronizing meant.


i find i never really had a religion once i got to about 30 as i never could understand or believe in god as i before then i prayed so hard but never really helped or made me feel better then when our baby alfie died i gave it up altogether .i told my children that he had gone to sleep and was now the brightest star that they could see and my youngest was 3 and 7 years old
#24
Just tell them that once they die, thats it, nothing else after death. They wont go to Heaven/Hell, thats totally made up to ease the pain of death & stop everyone panicing.
#25
Pascal's Wager (or Pascal's Gambit) is a suggestion posed by the French philosopher Blaise Pascal that even though the existence of God cannot be determined through reason, a person should "wager" as though God exists, because so living has potentially everything to gain, and certainly nothing to lose. It was set out in note 233 of his Pensées, a posthumously published collection of notes made by Pascal in his last years as he worked on a treatise on Christian apologetics. - Wikipedia

Not an ideal approach to Christianity or religion but certainly one worth reasoning about when contemplating the question of God.

The most convincing arguement for the existence of God is the fact that there is anything at all rather than just nothing. This, to me, at least suggests an unmoved mover.
#26
Pose the question back, what do you think happens when you die? Good way out and promotes thinking as well as some comical answers.

http://video.google.co.uk/videosearch?hl=en&q=outnumbered&um=1&ie=UTF-8&sa=X&oi=video_result_group&resnum=4&ct=title#
#27
lyndsbowes
edjaned, my 4 yr old boy is going through the same stage at the minute. he keeps asking if and when he, me, his dad, brother etc will die and what happens and if his pet rabbit will die and what happens etc. he gets quite upset by it all and asks all the time. i have told him that he doesn't have to think about it for a long time because it could be a long way away when it happens but told him, in a positive way (with a smile on my face), that when people and pets die we all go up to heaven and watch over the people who we have left so we can look after them. and we meet up with other people who have died in heaven and live there with them. he obviously asked a lot more questions like can you talk and walk when you're in heaven, etc lol, but he seemed happy about the answers he was given and hasn't asked for a while about it.... hope this helps. :)


thats the same as what i have told him,it was hard as the question about dying wasnt expected and came as a shock to me so i just told him not to worry about it and just told him everyone dies but he wont die for a long long time and when he does mum and dad will be in heaven waiting for him
i dont know if its the right thing or wrong thing to have told him but as he is only 5 i really didnt want to tell him when u die thats it
#28
i fear death have done since i was 12 iv had counseling and mine started off with "mam why do we have to die "its a scary world for a child try to just change the subject because talk about it telling them different thing will make them think of alot more.
im not a believe thats the way my life has gone i dont mock ppl who do i just personally dont and ppl who do shouldn't mock ppl who dont its life. ppl have there own minds i have my reasons y dont and obviously ppl have there reasons y they do but ppl who do should in no way try to impose it on ppl who dont want to
#29
why soooo seriousssssssssssssss

Its a milestone ....they all hit it sooner or later .....as long as you dont try and tell tehm not to talk about it and not go into too much depth all will be well ...

Remember when they tug at their willies and people go , dont , its dirty etc ....same thing , ish , another milestone , its striking a balance and not overcomplicating it . they will be fine

I remeber being scared witless about dying in a nuclear war and Falklands war scared me .....
#30
alnbowes
why soooo seriousssssssssssssss

Its a milestone ....they all hit it sooner or later .....as long as you dont try and tell tehm not to talk about it and not go into too much depth all will be well ...

Remember when they tug at their willies and people go , dont , its dirty etc ....same thing , ish , another milestone , its striking a balance and not overcomplicating it . they will be fine

I remeber being scared witless about dying in a nuclear war and Falklands war scared me .....


lol, reminds me of the time I super glued a model spitfire to my nose............
#31
2 words












Watch Bambi.
#32
krjgreen
who am i to say you're wrong, but that works both ways. try to support the op and stick to helping not critisising others beliefs or lack of

Not all theories are equally valid. There is not an equal chance that heaven doesn't exist as, say, reward for a good life by spending eternity with the Flying Spaghetti Monster, a beer volcano and stripper factory...

Truth is not the result of hoping that something is true.

Truth is not a democracy - the majority of people can very easily be wrong.


krjgreen

to the op, both my lads 7 & 4 have asked about death and heaven, and i say well some people think we go to heaven and others think we come back again, others believe in nothing. when they ask me what i think i tell em, when you are older you will make your own mind up. for now they are going along with the faith thing, im not going to take it away from them, as i said when they are older they will deal with it in their own ways.


This is a good approach. They have still been given the idea of heaven which isn't really fair. Some people believe that we are alien spirits but you wouldn't give that an equal chance to secure itself in the mind of a child.
#33
ilovelilac
my dad died when i was 4 years old and my mum just told me straight up, no need for lies that everyone dies sometime and that my dad was in heaven with God and hes watching over me, i think its best to be honest with kids about things like that


But you understand that, however comforting, there is not a shred of evidence to support this theory. Personally I would find the very idea of this very disturbing.

Sorry you lost you dad.
#34
Alfonse
lol, reminds me of the time I super glued a model spitfire to my nose............


that was plane stupid .....i bet you were about 23 aswell looooooooool:w00t:
#35
jobibear
Pascal's Wager (or Pascal's Gambit) is a suggestion posed by the French philosopher Blaise Pascal that even though the existence of God cannot be determined through reason, a person should "wager" as though God exists, because so living has potentially everything to gain, and certainly nothing to lose. It was set out in note 233 of his Pensées, a posthumously published collection of notes made by Pascal in his last years as he worked on a treatise on Christian apologetics. - Wikipedia

Not an ideal approach to Christianity or religion but certainly one worth reasoning about when contemplating the question of God.

The most convincing arguement for the existence of God is the fact that there is anything at all rather than just nothing. This, to me, at least suggests an unmoved mover.


Pascal's Wager does not even gamble with a certainty that God even likes to be worshipped, that God is good, etc etc...
#36
Kids dont need to hear about things they cant comprehend

keep it simple

If they asked about s3x you wouldnt go into detail

or where they come from , you wouldnt give them a biology lesson ...

Oh btw santa is lying to them also ....but they are kids . remember when we were kids and our problems seemed so insignificant to adults
#37
alnbowes

I remeber being scared witless about dying in a nuclear war and Falklands war scared me .....


I was about 5 when I saw 'When The Wind Blows' - still disturbs me...
#38
[email protected]
Pascal's Wager does not even gamble with a certainty that God even likes to be worshipped, that God is good, etc etc...


whats all this got to do with tellin kids about death ....

Im sure going down this route with them would be an epic fail


wasnt directed at you giles btw , just the bit i rea\d above
#39
alnbowes
Kids dont need to hear about things they cant comprehend

keep it simple

If they asked about s3x you wouldnt go into detail

or where they come from , you wouldnt give them a biology lesson ...

Oh btw santa is lying to them also ....but they are kids . remember when we were kids and our problems seemed so insignificant to adults


I would like to get something in there about evolution since there are too many people out there that reject this basic fact of science.
#40
alnbowes
that was plane stupid .....i bet you were about 23 aswell looooooooool:w00t:


13 ¾ old
















[SIZE="1"]
sorry it was a off tangent joke, Adrian Mole[/SIZE]

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