Win Money in Saxo's Best Joke Competition... - HotUKDeals
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Win Money in Saxo's Best Joke Competition...

saxo_appeal Avatar
8y, 7m agoPosted 8 years, 7 months ago
Who wants a Crisp Brand New Ten pound note ??
Have you ever dreamed of owning your very own brand new £10 note?
Then look no further coz Mr and Mrs saxo are having another competition lol

Who here on HUKD has the best Joke?....well thats the competition folks
I want everyone to post their best ever joke (no dirty words or swearing) and ill judge the best one.

The competition is open to ALL and ages, that includes Paul and all the mods (dont think they know any good ones anyway so i think everyone stands a good chance lol)
No editiing your jokes, once the joke is posted do not delete and put another one or ill notice the date stamp lol - i have my spy's.
If you need to change your joke pm me and ill take note of your name and post you back to allow you to do this.

Closing date for the competition is Sat 10th of May - 10pm, altho ill have to send the prizes out when i get home on the 16th when i get home from being Offshore.
The prizes will be sent out recorded delivery folks so no need to worry lol

1st Prize is a brand new £10 note
2nd prize is a bag of sweeties.

Note to mods: iv posted in here as not alot of people look in the Comps thread and more view this one.
saxo_appeal Avatar
8y, 7m agoPosted 8 years, 7 months ago
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banned#1
Nice to see you both again, how's things??? No joke though sorry
#2
did you hear about the man who fell asleep in a puddle of vinigar........ he woke up in a bit of a pickle
#3
What sweeties are they ? :?
#4
Everyone is fine Prissymiss, thanks for asking. Hope everything is good with you i hope?

snowtiger
What sweeties are they ? :?


Its a bag of sweets, the sugary kind lol.
i dont know yet but ill be buying them when i get home.
banned#5
saxo_appeal
Everyone is fine Prissymiss, thanks for asking. Hope everything is good with you i hope?


All good, are you enjoying the job?
banned#6
snowtiger
What sweeties are they ? :?


Ooh! I won sweeties in the pumpkin carving competition. Very nice they were too:thumbsup:
banned#7
What's the difference between a bonus and a *****....


The wife's guaranteed to blow your bonus.


Ban:oops:
#8
[FONT=Arial][SIZE=2]Two campers are walking through the woods when a huge brown bear suddenly appears in the clearing about 50 feet in front of them. The bear sees the campers and begins to head toward them. The first guys drops his backpack, digs out a pair of sneakers, and frantically begins to put them on. The second guys says, "What are you doing? Sneakers won’t help you outrun that bear." "I don't need to outrun the bear," the first guy says. "I just need to outrun you."[/SIZE][/FONT]
banned#9
Can you not use a textbook word for a part of the body used by small children on here????
#10
Prissymiss
Can you not use a textbook word for a part of the body used by small children on here????

Dont know what you mean Prissymiss? mail me
#11
What is E.T. short for?




Because he has little legs.
#12
This is great!


A man is waiting for his wife to give birth. The doctor comes in and informs the dad that his son was born without a torso, arms or legs.

The son is just a head!

The dad loves his son and raises him as well as he can, with love and compassion.

After 21 years, the son is now old enough for his first drink.

Dad takes him to the bar, tearfully tells the son he is proud of him, and orders up the biggest, strongest drink for his boy.

With all the bar patrons looking on curiously, and the bartender shaking his head in disbelief,
the boy takes his first sip of alcohol.

Swoop! A torso pops out!

The bar is dead silent; then bursts into a whoop of joy.

The father, shocked, begs his son to drink again.

The patrons chant "Take another drink"!

The bartender still shakes his head in dismay.

Swoop! Two arms pops out.

The bar goes wild. The father, crying and wailing, begs his son to drink again.

The patrons chant "Take another drink"!

The bartender ignores the whole affair.

By now the boy is getting tipsy, and with his new hands he reaches down, grabs his drink, and guzzles
the last of it.

Swoop! Two legs pop out.

The bar is in chaos. The father falls to his knees, and tearfully thanks God.

The boy stands up on his new legs, and stumbles to the left....then to the right.... right through
the front door, into the street, where a truck runs over him and kills him instantly.

The bar falls silent.

The father moans in grief. The bartender sighs and says... "He should have quit while he was a head!"
#13
removed
#14
Two cannibals are eating a clown. One cannibal turns to the other and asks, "This taste funny to you?"
#15
A guy is sitting at a bar in a skyscraper restaurant high above the city. He's slamming tequila left and right. he grabs one, drinks it, goes over to a window and jumps out. The guy who was sitting next to him couldn't believe that the guy had just done that. He was more surprised when, ten minutes later, the same guy, unscathed, comes walking back into the bar and sits back down next to him. The astonished guy asks," How did you do that???? I just saw you jump out that window and we're hundreds of feet above the ground!!!" The jumper responds by slurring, "Well, I don't get it either. I slam a shot of tequila and when I jump out the window, the tequila makes me slow down right before I hit the ground. Watch." He takes a shot, slams it down, goes to the window and jumps out. The other guy runs to the window and watches as the guy falls until right before the ground, slows down and lands softly on his feet. A few minutes later, the guy walks back into the bar. The other guy has to try it too, so he orders a shot of tequila. he drinks it and goes to the window and jumps. As he reaches the bottom, he doesn't slow down at all....SPLAT!!!!!! The first guy orders another shot of tequila and the bartender says to him," You're really an jerk when you're drunk, Superman."
#16
Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy takes out his phone and calls the emergency services.

He gasps: "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator says: "Calm down, I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a gunshot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says: "OK, now what?"
#17
Why did the roman chicken cross the road??


She was afraid someone would caesar!!


lol
#18
kiwinator
Why did the roman chicken cross the road??


She was afraid someone would caesar!!


lol




Location: Norwich!!

LOL:w00t:
#19
A man staggered into a hospital with a concussion, multiple bruises, two black eyes and a 5-Iron golf club wrapped tightly around his throat. Naturally, the Doctor asked him, "What happened to you?" "Well, I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife, when at a difficult hole, we both sliced our balls into a cow pasture. We went to look for them while I was looking around I noticed one of the cows had something white at its rear end." "I walked over, lifted its tail, and sure enough, there was a golf ball with my wife's monogram on it - stuck right in the middle of the cow's ****. Still holding the cow's tail up, I yelled to my wife, 'Hey, this looks like yours!'" "I don't remember much after that ..."

:):-D
banned#20
A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's office.

After the check-up, the doctor took the wife aside and said:-

"If you don't do the following, your husband will surely die".

1.Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast and send him off to work in a good mood.

2.At lunch time, make him a warm, nutritious meal and put him in a good frame of mind before he goes back to work.

3.For dinner, fix an especially nice meal, and don't burden him with household chores.

4.Have sex with him several times a week and satisfy his every whim.

On the way home, the husband asked his wife what the doctor had told her.

"You're going to die," she replied.
#21
There is a factory in America which makes the Tickle Me Elmo toys. The toy "laughs" when you tickle it under the arm.

A new blonde employee is hired at the Tickle Me Elmo factory and she reports for her first day promptly at 0800.

At 0845 that day, the Foreman from the assembly line begins to complain about the new employee to the Plant Manager. He said that she is incredibly slow and the whole line is backing up, putting the entire production line behind schedule.

The Plant Manager decides he should see this for himself, so the two men march down to the factory floor. When they get there, the line is so backed up that there are Tickle Me Elmo's all over the factory floor.

At the end of the line stands the new employee surrounded by mountains of Tickle Me Elmo's. She has a roll of bright red fabric and a huge bag of small marbles. The two men watch in amazement as she cuts a little piece of fabric, wraps it around two marbles and begins to carefully sew the little package between Elmo's legs.

The Plant Manager bursts into laughter.

After several minutes of hysterics he pulls himself together and approaches the woman.

"I'm sorry," he says to her, barely able to keep a straight face, "but I think you misunderstood the instructions I gave you yesterday. Your job is to give Elmo two test tickles".
#22
What do you call a woman with one leg?




Eileen :)
#23
One day, three sailors, Adam, Bob and Cartmen were caught by pirates. The pirates were hungry, so they stopped by an island and, because they wanted to be entertained as well, told the three to fetch 10 of any one fruit to eat each.
Adam came back first with 10 coconuts. The pirates sadistically told Adam to jam the 10 coconuts up his bottom and if he does that without showing any emotion, he will be freed. Adam only done 1 and gave up as he fell down in pain.
Bob, who overheard the challenge, came second with 10 small grapes and he was told to do the same. He was doing great, putting 8 on with straight face. The pirates thought so too, but then Bob laughed wildly, breaking his chance of freedom.
"Why are you laughing, you only had 2 left to go" asked the pirates.
Bob laughed and pointed "Cartmen is bringing back 10 pineapples!"
#24
[FONT=Arial][SIZE=2][COLOR=black]Ali G's Sister is pregnant and has a car accident and falls into a deep coma. Asleep for nearly six months, she wakes up and sees that she is nolonger pregnant. Frantically, she asks the doctor about her baby. The doctor replies, "Miss, you had twins! A boy and a girl. The babies are fine. Your brother came in and named them." The woman thinks to herself, "Oh no, not my brother...he's an idiot!" Expecting the worst, she asks the doctor, "Well, what's the girl's name?" "Denise," the doctor says. The new mother thinks, "Wow, that's not a bad name! Guess I was wrong about my brother. I like Denise!" Then she asks the doctor, "What's the boy's name?" The doctor replies, "Denephew."[/COLOR][/SIZE][/FONT]
#25
Mine is undoubedly the funniest joke ever. :!: It's a little 'adult' in nature though, so I've had to add a few stars. Sure that with your intelligence you'll be able to decipher it: :thumbsup:

Why did ****** **** his ******* and **** the *********?
Because ******* ate his ******-****** so that she wouldn't ****** his ****! :lol:

Everyone, you may as well give up. The £10 is mine, surely?
#26
Liddle ol' me
Mine is undoubedly the funniest joke ever. :!: It's a little 'adult' in nature though, so I've had to add a few stars. Sure that with your intelligence you'll be able to decipher it: :thumbsup:

Why did ****** **** his ******* and **** the *********?
Because ******* ate his ******-****** so that she wouldn't ****** his ****! :lol:

Everyone, you may as well give up. The £10 is mine, surely?


congrats, can't beat that
#27
A man walks into a bar and orders 6 shots of vodka.

He downs them all one after another and says to the bartender:
"I shouldn't have had that with what I've got."
The bartender says:
"Why? What have you got?"
The man says:
" £1.50"
#28
A woman was in a coma. She had been in it for months. Nurses were in her
room giving her a bed bath. One of them was washing her private area and
noticed that there was a slight response on the monitor when she touched
her.

They tried it again and sure enough there was sizable movement.

They went to her husband and explained what happened, telling him, As
crazy as this sounds, maybe a little
oral sex will do the trick and bring her out of the coma."

The husband was sceptical, but they assured him that they'd close the
curtains for privacy. The husband finally agreed and went into his wife's
room.

After a few minutes the woman's monitor flat lined, no pulse, no heart
rate.

The nurses ran back into the room. "What happened ?" they cried.

The husband said, "I'm not sure but I think she choked."
#29
Keep them coming folks, there really good some of them
#30
Liddle ol' me

Why did ****** **** his ******* and **** the *********?
Because ******* ate his ******-****** so that she wouldn't ****** his ****! :lol:



Can you think of another liddle, i cant decipher it :oops:
#31
removed
#32
A man meets a woman at a bar and they go to her place. They're undressing and he drops his trousers. She points to his messed up knees and asks what happened. He says 'when I was young I contracted kneesles'. She says 'you mean measles'. He says 'no, I actually got kneesles'. She shrugs and continues undressing. When he removes his socks she looks at his sorry toes and asks about them. He says 'shortly after the kneesles, I contracted toelio'. She says 'you mean polio?'. He says 'no, I got toelio'. She shrugs it off, until he drops his shorts. She looks again and says 'don't tell me - smallcox'. :oops:
#33
faevilangel
Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy takes out his phone and calls the emergency services.

He gasps: "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator says: "Calm down, I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a gunshot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says: "OK, now what?"
:whistling:


t0mm put this joke on the last page.

Also if you read the rules you can only post one joke.
#34
changed
#35
GAVINLEWISHUKD
t0mm put this joke on the last page.

Also if you read the rules you can only post one joke.


oops missed that bit:oops: just for fun tho eh ;-)
#36
Don't upset saxo or you'll be cold all winter!:-D
#37
One joke per person please,

faevilangel can you please delete your jokes and leave one only to be entered

thanks
#38
a man walks into a bar...

Ouch!
#39
GAVINLEWISHUKD
Location: Norwich!!

LOL:w00t:

whats that supposed to mean?
#40
Only problem with this comp is that it is someone elses joke ie. a comedian or whatever so really its "who has the best joke.....found using google."

But its your money (OP) to do with what you want

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