Dear Norwich Union,
My name is David ******* and for 7 years now I have been a customer of yours, paying for products including your house insurance cover. Not having made a claim in that time, I have yet to test the service properly, but I must say I did shop around and yours was by far the cheapest. You quoted me happy, and I shall never ever forget that.
I do have a query though. It has been brought to my attention by some reknowned academics that I regularly converse with on a scientific thinktank forum called the GF, that CERN, the European organisation for nuclear research, are about to activate a device which essentially (and without boring you with the finer detail) accelerates high energy particles to a quite preposterous velocity, then collides them with each other to see what will happen. I am reliably informed by my esteemed acquaintances that one of two outcomes is possible. Either it will create a black hole into which most matter will be sucked, thus effectively ending life as we know it, or it will create a portal, or gateway if you like, to an alternate dimension through which snake-headed aliens will be able to enter and enslave humanity for a period of not less than one eternity.
The reason I am contacting Norwich Union is that I have looked through my home insurance policy and cannot see that either of these events are covered? Admittedly, if scenario a occurs and it is the end of life as we know it, there will very little left to insure. On the plus side, I wont have to deal with the ******* builders, and your customer service helpline will probably actually be easier to get through to (and of more use when I do). However, scenario b worries me. My policy says my home must not be unoccupied for more than a continuous 30 day period? If Im away as part of an underground human rebellion against the alien invasion, will I have to return home once a month so as not to invalidate the policy? Also, if you send an assessor round, how will I know if he is a mechanical bloodsucking parasite, or one of the aliens (my dog barks at both, Im afraid)?
It appears we have until October 21st before they push the button, so I would appreciate an answer at your earliest convenience.