A few jokes to keep you amused this Friday

    A teacher noticed that a little boy at the back of the class was squirming around, scratching his crotch, and not paying attention.

    She went back to find out what was going on.

    He was quite embarrassed and whispered that he had just recently been circumcised and he was quite itchy.

    The teacher told him to go down to the principal's office.

    He was to telephone his mother and ask her what he should do about it. He did and returned to his class.

    Suddenly, there was a commotion at the back of the room.

    She went back to investigate only to find him sitting at his desk with his'private part' hanging out.

    'I thought I told you to call your mom!' she said.

    'I did,' he said, 'And she told me that if I could stick it out till noon, she'd come and pick me up from school.


    Original Poster


    Several centuries ago, the Pope decreed that all the Jews had to convert to Catholicism or leave Italy . There was a huge outcry from the Jewish community, so the pope offered a deal. He would have a religious debate with the leader of the Jewish community. If the Jews
    won, they could stay in Italy ; if the Pope won, they would have to convert or leave.

    The Jewish people met and picked an aged and wise Rabbi to represent them in the debate. However, as the Rabbi spoke no Italian, and the Pope spoke no Yiddish, they agreed that it would be a 'silent' debate.

    On the chosen day the Pope and Rabbi sat opposite each other. The Pope raised his hand and showed three fingers.

    The Rabbi looked back and raised one finger.

    Next, the Pope waved his finger around his head.

    The Rabbi pointed to the ground where he sat.

    The Pope brought out a communion wafer and a chalice of wine.

    The Rabbi pulled out an apple.

    With that the Pope stood up and declared that he was beaten, and that the Rabbi was too clever. The Jews could stay in Italy .

    Later the Cardinals met with the Pope and asked him what had happened?

    The Pope said, 'First I held up three fingers to represent the Trinity. He responded by holding up one finger to remind me there is still only one God common to both our beliefs. Then, I waved my finger around my head to show him that God was all around us. He responded by pointing to the ground to show that God was also right here with us. I pulled out the wine and wafer, to show that God absolves us of all our sins. He pulled out an apple to remind me of the original sin. He had beaten me at every move and I could not continue.

    Meanwhile, the Jewish community gathered to ask the Rabbi how he had won.

    'I haven't a clue' said the Rabbi. First he said to me that we had three days to get out of Italy, so I gave him the finger. Then he tells me that the whole country would be cleared of Jews and I said to him that we were staying right here.

    'And then what?' asked a woman.

    'Who knows?' said the Rabbi. 'He took out his lunch so I took out mine.'

    Original Poster

    How Marital Fights Start...

    My wife and I are watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed. I turned to her and said,
    "Do you want to have sex?"
    "No," she answered.
    I then said, "Is that your final answer?"
    She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying "Yes."
    So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."
    And then the fight started....

    After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security.
    The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license to verify my age.
    I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home.
    I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.
    The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'.
    So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.
    She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me'.
    And she processed my Social Security application.
    When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office.
    She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten Disability, too'
    And then the fight started......


    Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, grabbed the dog, and slipped quietly into the garage.
    I hooked up the boat up to the truck, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour.
    The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day.
    I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed.
    I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, 'The weather out there is terrible.'
    My loving wife of 10 years replied, 'Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?'
    And that's how the fight started ...


    My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table.
    My wife asked, 'Do you know her?'
    'Yes,' I sighed, 'she's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many & years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since.'
    'My God!' says my wife, 'Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?'
    And then the fight started.....


    I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.
    'I'll have the strip steak, medium rare, please.'
    He said, 'Aren't you worried about the mad cow?'
    'Nah, she can order for herself.'
    And then the fight started.....


    A woman is standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.
    She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband, 'I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.'
    The husband replies, 'Your eyesight's darn near perfect.'
    And then the fight started.....

    Original Poster

    Sunday Afternoon

    > The only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon quickie with their 8
    > year-old son in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony with a
    > lollypop and tell him to report on all the neighbourhood activities.
    > He began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation:
    > 'There's a car being towed from the parking lot' he shouted.
    > 'An Ambulance just drove by.'
    > 'Looks like the Anderson 's have company' he continued.
    > 'Matt's riding a new bike ....'
    > 'Looks like the Sanders are moving'
    > 'Jason is on his skate board ...'
    > 'The Coopers are having sex!!'
    > Startled, his Mum and Dad shot up in bed!
    > Dad cautiously called out 'How do you know they are having sex?'
    > 'Jimmy Cooper is on his balcony with a lollipop.'

    Original Poster

    An Irish Diet...

    An Irishman was terribly overweight, so his doctor put him on a diet.

    'I want you to eat regularly for 2 days, then skip a day, and repeat this procedure for 2 weeks. The next time I see you, you should have lost at least 5 pounds.

    When the Irishman returned, he shocked the doctor by having lost nearly 60lbs!

    'Why, that's amazing!' the doctor said, 'Did you follow my instructions?'?

    The Irishman nodded...'I'll tell you though, by jaesuz, I t'aut I were going to drop dead on dat 3rd day.'?

    'From the hunger, you mean?' asked the doctor.?

    'No, from the f**kin' skippin'

    Original Poster

    Little Johnny:

    Little Johnny's at it again..... A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses. She started her class by saying, 'Everyone who thinks they're stupid, stand up!' After a few seconds, Little Johnny stood up. The teacher said, 'Do you think you're stupid, Little Johnny?' 'No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!'
    * * * * * * * * * * *
    Little Johnny watched, fascinated, as his mother smoothed cold cream on her face. 'Why do you do that, mommy?' he asked. 'To make myself beautiful,' said his mother, who then began removing the cream with a tissue. 'What's the matter?' asked Little Johnny. 'Giving up?'
    * * * * * * * * * * *
    The math teacher saw that little Johnny wasn't paying attention in class. She called on him and said,
    'Johnny! What are 2 and 4 and 28 and 44?' Little Johnny quickly replied, 'NBC, FOX, ESPN and the Cartoon Network!'
    * * * * * * * * * * *
    Little Johnny's kindergarten class was on a field trip to their local police station where they saw pictures tacked to a bulletin board of the 10 most wanted criminals. One of the youngsters pointed to a picture and asked if it really was the photo of a wanted person. 'Yes,' said the policeman. 'The detectives want very badly to capture him.'Little Johnny asked, 'Why didn't you keep him when you took his picture ?'
    * * * * * * * * * * *
    Little Johnny attended a horse auction with his father. He watched as his father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horse's legs and rump, and chest. After a few minutes, Johnny asked, 'Dad, why are you doing that?' His father replied, 'Because when I'm buying horses,I have to make sure that they are healthy and in good shape before I buy. Johnny, looking worried, said, 'Dad, I think the UPS guy wants to buy Mom .'

    Original Poster

    Too long? :P


    Too long? :P

    well thank you for reminding me it's friday lol

    nah they were just right! Took me a good 10mins which helps pass the day away lol

    I will try find some to add!

    You grew up in the 80's if:

    -- You learned to swim about the same time "Jaws" came out and still can't swim naked at night.

    -- Prince's "1999" was the focal point of your plans for an end of the century party.

    -- You dressed to emulate either Duran Duran, Poison, Madonna, Rick Springfield or Cyndi Lauper.

    -- You wanted to be gagged with a spoon.

    -- You had a poster of Bo, Luke & Daisy Duke.

    -- There was nothing questionable about Bert and Ernie living together.

    -- You dialed "867-5309" to see if Jenny would answer.

    -- Your family's cable TV box had the three rows of numbers, and you had to move the selector switch accordingly.

    Original Poster


    well thank you for reminding me it's friday lol

    Sorry :P Hope it's brightened your day a little though!

    Original Poster


    nah they were just right! Took me a good 10mins which helps pass the day … nah they were just right! Took me a good 10mins which helps pass the day away lolI will try find some to add!

    A few more here:…d=1

    To be fair, that's what inspired me to make this one :P

    Thanks, a lot of funny one there.... Sweet

    Whats the difference between a prositute, and your wife?
    Ones on pay as you go, ones on contract!


    What was tigger doing with his head down the toliet?
    He was looking for pooh

    haha hope this made you smile!


    Original Poster

    kerri_ Whats the difference between a prositute, and your wife?..............Ones on pay as you go, ones on contract!xxxxxxxxxxx


    Rofl that's a good one :P



    Knock Knock
    Who's there?
    Tank who?
    Your welcome!


    A French guest who was staying in a hotel in Edmonton phoned room service for some pepper.

    "Black pepper, or white pepper?" asked the concierge.

    "Toilette pepper!"

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