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    A late night tickle

    THIS IS A COPY OF A REAL LETTER SENT TO DAVID MILLIBAND...........



    NIGEL JOHNSON-HILL, PARKFARM, MILLAND, LIPHOOK GU30 7JT

    Rt Hon David Miliband MP
    Secretary of State.
    Department for Environment, Food and Rural Affairs (DEFRA), Nobel House
    17 Smith Square
    London
    SW1P 3JR

    16 July 2009

    Dear Secretary of State,

    My friend, who is in farming at the moment, recently received a cheque for £3,000 from the Rural Payments Agency for not rearing pigs.. I would now like to join the "not rearing pigs" business.

    In your opinion, what is the best kind of farm not to rear pigs on, and which is the best breed of pigs not to rear? I want to be sure I approach this endeavour in keeping with all government policies, as dictated by the EU under the Common Agricultural Policy.

    I would prefer not to rear bacon pigs, but if this is not the type you want not rearing, I will just as gladly not rear porkers. Are there any advantages in not rearing rare breeds such as Saddlebacks or Gloucester Old Spots, or are there too many people already not rearing these?

    As I see it, the hardest part of this programme will be keeping an accurate record of how many pigs I haven't reared. Are there any Government or Local Authority courses on this?

    My friend is very satisfied with this business. He has been rearing pigs for forty years or so, and the best he ever made on them was £1,422 in 1968. That is - until this year, when he received a cheque for not rearing any.

    If I get £3,000 for not rearing 50 pigs, will I get £6,000 for not rearing 100? I plan to operate on a small scale at first, holding myself down to about 4,000 pigs not raised, which will mean about £240,000 for the first year. As I become more expert in not rearing pigs, I plan to be more ambitious, perhaps increasing to, say, 40,000 pigs not reared in my second year, for which I should expect about £2.4 million from your department. Incidentally, I wonder if I would be eligible to receive tradable carbon credits for all these pigs not producing harmful and polluting methane gases?

    Another point: These pigs that I plan not to rear will not eat 2,000 tonnes of cereals. I understand that you also pay farmers for not growing crops. Will I qualify for payments for not growing cereals to not feed the pigs I don't rear?

    I am also considering the "not milking cows" business, so please send any information you have on that too. Please could you also include the current Defra advice on set aside fields? Can this be done on an e-commerce basis with virtual fields (of which I seem to have several thousand hectares)?

    In view of the above you will realise that I will be totally unemployed, and will therefore qualify for unemployment benefits. I shall of course be voting for your party at the next general election.


    Yours faithfully,

    9 Comments

    Ha lol i like it

    where do I sign up for my late night tickle?????? And should this be moved to freebies!!!!!!

    Original Poster

    lil_tiger;6982866

    where do I sign up for my late night tickle?????? And should this be … where do I sign up for my late night tickle?????? And should this be moved to freebies!!!!!!



    hahahahaha

    never thought of that !!

    good one

    i think......... i have just got rich..........................:thumbsup:

    Funny

    [COLOR="red"]Cannot be bothered to read the whole OP.

    Can someone please give me cliffs?[/COLOR]

    The JFK;6983192

    [COLOR="red"]Cannot be bothered to read the whole OP.Can someone please … [COLOR="red"]Cannot be bothered to read the whole OP.Can someone please give me cliffs?[/COLOR]



    Its funny :thumbsup:

    jellybaby22;6983233

    op posts thread about late night ticklesactually funnyish letter about … op posts thread about late night ticklesactually funnyish letter about pig farmingmany of the hukd ladies are disappointed that it wasnt quite what they expected..:)



    [COLOR="Red"]Thanks for the cliffs. :thumbsup:[/COLOR]

    Original Poster

    jellybaby22;6983233

    op posts thread about late night ticklesactually funnyish letter about … op posts thread about late night ticklesactually funnyish letter about pig farmingmany of the hukd ladies are disappointed that it wasnt quite what they expected..:)



    It was a tickling of the funny bone only. . Sorry to disappoint ! :-D
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