A New beat ............... jokes & funny pics

Found 30th Jun 2008
A New beat

General Custer and his aide are in the fort.

The aide says "General, I don't like the sound of those drums."

From over the hill, a voice yells, "He's not our regular drummer."

Post your Monday morning jokes here !!
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A historian and a psychologist are sitting outside at a nudist colony. Historian: “Have you read Marx?” Psychologist: “Yes, I think they’re from the wicker chairs.”


Little Johnny pees in the poolLittle Johnny is approached by the lifeguard at the public swimming pool.
"You're not allowed to pee in the pool," said the lifeguard.
"I'm going to report you."
"But everyone pees in the pool," said Little Johnny.
"Maybe," said the lifeguard, "but not from the diving board!"






A large dog walks into a butcher shop, carrying a purse in its mouth.
He puts the purse down and sits in front of the counter.
"What is it, boy?" the butcher asks. "Want to buy some meat?"
"Woof!" barks the dog.
"What kind?" says the butcher. "Liver, bacon, steak...?"
"Woof!" interrupts the dog.
"And how much steak? Half a pound, one pound...?"
"Woof!" signals the dog.
The amazed butcher wraps up the meat and finds the money in the dog's purse.
As the dog leaves, the butcher decides to follow.
The dog enters an apartment building, climbs to the third floor, and begins scratching at a door.
With that, the door swings open and an angry man starts shouting at the dog.
"Stop!" yells the butcher. "He's the most intelligent animal I've ever seen!"
"Intelligent?" counters the man. "This is the third time this week he's forgotten his key!"



The Right DoseAn elderly gentleman went to the local drug store and asked the pharmacist for the little blue "Viagra" pill.
The pharmacist asked "How many?"
The man replied, "Just a few, maybe a half dozen. I cut each one into four pieces."
The pharmacist said, "That's too small a dose. That won't get you through intimacy.
The old fellow said, "Oh, I'm past eighty years old and I don't even think about intimacy much anymore.
I just want it to stick out far enough so I don't pee on my new golf shoes.

Lottery win!A woman came home, screeching her car into the driveway, and ran into the house. She slammed the door and shouted at the top of her lungs, "Honey, pack your bags. I won the lottery!"
The husband said, "Oh my God! What should I pack, beach stuff or mountain stuff?"
"Doesn't matter," she said. "Just get out."



[FONT=Comic Sans MS][SIZE=2]Very funny Scotty, now beam down my clothes. [/SIZE][/FONT]




[*][FONT=arial][SIZE=3][COLOR=purple]Growing old is mandatory, but growing up is optional[/COLOR][/SIZE][/FONT]
[*][FONT=arial][SIZE=3][COLOR=purple]Birthdays are good for you - the more you have the longer you live.[/COLOR][/SIZE][/FONT]
[*][FONT=arial][SIZE=3][COLOR=purple]Life is a test, and I didn't take very good notes.[/COLOR][/SIZE][/FONT]
[*][FONT=arial][SIZE=3][COLOR=purple]The meaning of life is to give life meaning.[/COLOR][/SIZE][/FONT]
[*][FONT=arial][SIZE=3][COLOR=purple]It is hard to understand how a cemetery raised its burial cost and blamed it on the cost of living.[/COLOR][/SIZE][/FONT]
[*][FONT=arial][SIZE=3][COLOR=purple]When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.[/COLOR][/SIZE][/FONT]
[*][FONT=arial][SIZE=3][COLOR=purple]I intend to live forever-so far so good.[/COLOR][/SIZE][/FONT]
[*][FONT=arial][SIZE=3][COLOR=purple]I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.[/COLOR][/SIZE][/FONT]
[*][FONT=arial][SIZE=3][COLOR=purple]Don't take life too seriously, you won't get out alive.[/COLOR][/SIZE][/FONT]
[*][FONT=arial][SIZE=3][COLOR=purple]Once over the hill, you pick up speed.[/COLOR][/SIZE][/FONT]
[*][FONT=arial][SIZE=3][COLOR=purple]Middle age is when the broadness of the mind and the narrowness of the waist change places.[/COLOR][/SIZE][/FONT]
[*][FONT=arial][SIZE=3][COLOR=purple]Opportunities always look bigger going than coming.[/COLOR][/SIZE][/FONT]
[*][FONT=arial][SIZE=3][COLOR=purple]Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again.[/COLOR][/SIZE][/FONT]
[*][FONT=arial][SIZE=3][COLOR=purple]I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.[/COLOR][/SIZE][/FONT]
[*][FONT=arial][SIZE=3][COLOR=purple]A day without sunshine is like, well, night.[/COLOR][/SIZE][/FONT]
[*][FONT=arial][SIZE=3][COLOR=purple]I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.[/COLOR][/SIZE][/FONT]
[*][FONT=arial][SIZE=3][COLOR=purple]If the shoe fits...buy it in every colour.[/COLOR][/SIZE][/FONT]
[*][FONT=arial][SIZE=3][COLOR=purple]You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted, then used against you. [/COLOR][/SIZE][/FONT]
[*][FONT=arial][SIZE=3][COLOR=purple]They keep saying the right person will come along...I think a truck hit mine![/COLOR][/SIZE][/FONT]
[*][FONT=arial][SIZE=3][COLOR=purple]The future aint what it used to be-Yogi Bera[/COLOR][/SIZE][/FONT]
[*][FONT=arial][SIZE=3][COLOR=purple]We may be alone. We may not be alone. Either way, the thought is staggering.[/COLOR][/SIZE][/FONT]
[*][FONT=arial][SIZE=3][COLOR=purple]"I never think of the future. It comes soon enough." --Albert Einstein[/COLOR][/SIZE][/FONT]
[*][FONT=arial][SIZE=3][COLOR=purple]A penny saved is a government overlook.[/COLOR][/SIZE][/FONT]
[*][FONT=arial][SIZE=3][COLOR=purple]Birthdays are like glazed donuts. Sometimes its better not to remember how many you've had.[/COLOR][/SIZE][/FONT]
[*][FONT=arial][SIZE=3][COLOR=purple]Chocolate. Coffee. Men.[/COLOR][/SIZE][/FONT]
[SIZE=3][FONT=arial][COLOR=purple]Some things are just better rich.[/COLOR][/FONT][/SIZE]

[*][FONT=arial][SIZE=3][COLOR=purple]I like pigs. Dogs look up to us. Cats look down on us. Pigs treat us as equals.--Sir Winston Churchill [/COLOR][/SIZE][/FONT][/LIST]
[FONT=Comic Sans MS][SIZE=2]Never ask a barber if he thinks you need a haircut.
Never do card tricks for the group you play poker with.
Never mess up an apology with an excuse.
Never miss a good chance to shut up.
Never test the depth of the water with both feet.
Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.
No one is listening until you make a mistake.
Oh Lord, give me patience, and GIVE IT TO ME NOW! [/SIZE][/FONT]
Snowtiger, you been busy!!!!
Like the liquor store one :giggle:
Have some rep for makin a "happy happy house":thumbsup:
Very funny :thumbsup:


















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