A quick Joke or 2 !!!

In post #2


Original Poster

The Doctor said "Joe, the good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad
news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition,
which causes your testicles to press on your spine, and the pressure creates
one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove
the testicles."
Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for.
He had no choice but to go under the knife.

When he left the hospital, he was without a headache for the first time in

20 years, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself. As

he walked down the street, he realised that he felt like a different person.

He could make a new beginning and live a new life. He saw a men's clothing

store and thought, "That's what I need... a new suit." He entered the shop
and told the salesman, "I'd like a new suit."
The elderly tailor eyed him briefly and said, "Let's see...size 44 long."

Joe laughed, "That's right, how did you know?" "Been in the business 60
years!" the tailor said.
Joe tried on the suit; it fitted perfectly.
As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about a new
Joe thought for a moment and then said, "Sure."
The salesman eyed Joe and said, "Let's see, 34 sleeves and 16-1/2 neck."

Joe was surprised, "That's right, how did you know? " "Been in the business
60 years."
Joe tried on the shirt, and it fit perfectly.
Joe walked comfortably around the shop, and the salesman asked, "How about
some new underwear?"
Joe thought for a moment and said, "Sure"
The salesman said, "Let's see...size 36."
Joe laughed, "Ah ha! I got you, I've worn a size 30 since I was 18 years


The salesman shook his head, "You can't wear a size 30. A size 30 would

press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell

of a headache."

New suit - £400

New shirt - £36
New underwear - £6

Second opinion - PRICELESS

Original Poster

One day, leaning on the bar, Jack says to Mike 'My elbow hurts like
> hell. I suppose I'd better see a Doctor!'
> Listen, don't waste your time down at the surgery,' Mike replies.
> 'There's a new diagnostic computer at Tesco Pharmacy.
> Just give it a urine sample and the computer will tell you what's wrong,
> and what to do about it.
> It takes ten seconds and only costs five quid...a lot quicker and better
> than a doctor and you get Tesco Club card points as well'.
> So Jack collects a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to Tesco.
> He deposits five pounds and the computer lights up and asks for the
> urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits.
> Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout:
> You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy
> activity. It will improve in two weeks'.
> That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Jack
> began wondering if the computer could be fooled.
> He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from
> his wife and daughter and the cat, and masturbated into the mixture for
> good measure.
> Jack hurried back to Tesco, eager to check what would happen. He
> deposits five pounds, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results.
> The computer printed the following:
> Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener.
> Your cat's having kittens. Get a vet
> Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo.
> Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.
> Your wife is pregnant. Twins. They aren't yours. Get a solicitor.
> And if you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get
> better...
> Thank you for shopping at Tesco, every little helps!

Heard the second one before but the first ones funny
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