A true email to the Police.

This is a genuine complaint from a Scottish resident to his local Police Force.
lengthy but brilliantly written.....

Dear Sir/Madam/Automated telephone answering service,

Having spent the past twenty minutes waiting for someone at Greenock police station to pick up a telephone I have decided to abandon the idea and try e-mailing you instead.

Perhaps you would be so kind as to pass this message on to your colleagues in Greenock , by means of smoke signal, carrier pigeon or Ouija board.

As I'm writing this e-mail there are eleven failed medical experiments (I think you call them youths) in Mathie Crescent, which is just off Mathie Road in Gourock.

Six of them seem happy enough to play a game which involves kicking a football against an iron gate with the force of a meteorite. This causes an earth shattering CLANG! which rings throughout the entire building. This game is now in its third week and as I am unsure how the scoring system works, I have no idea if it will end any time soon.

The remaining five failed-abortions are happily rummaging through several bags of rubbish and items of furniture that someone has so thoughtfully dumped beside the wheelie bins. One of them has found a saw and is setting about a discarded chair like a beaver on ecstasy pills.

I fear that it's only a matter of time before they turn their limited attention to the caravan gas bottle that is lying on its side between the two bins. If they could be relied on to only blow their own arms and legs off then I would happily leave them to it. I would even go so far as to lend them the matches. Unfortunately they are far more likely to blow up half the street with them and I've just finished decorating the kitchen.

What I suggest is this - after replying to this e-mail with worthless assurances that the matter is being looked into and will be dealt with, why not leave it until the one night of the year (probably bath night) when there are no mutants around then drive up the street in a Panda car before doing a three point turn and disappearing again. This will of course serve no other purpose than to remind us what policemen actually look like.

I trust that when I take a claw hammer to the skull of one of these throwbacks you'll do me the same courtesy of giving me a four month head start before coming to arrest me.

I remain your obedient servant


Mr ??????,

I have read your e-mail and understand your frustration at the problems caused by youths playing in the area and the problems you have encountered in trying to contact the police.

As the Community Beat Officer for your street I would like to extend an offer of discussing the matter fully with you. Should you wish to discuss the matter, please provide contact details (address / telephone number) and when may be suitable.

PC ???????
Community Beat Officer


Dear PC ???????
First of all I would like to thank you for the speedy response to my original e-mail.

16 hours and 38 minutes must be a personal record for Greenock Police Station, and rest assured that I will forward these details to Norris McWhirter for inclusion in his next Guinness book.

Secondly I was delighted to hear that our street has its own Community Beat Officer.

May I be the first to congratulate you on your covert skills? In the five or so years I have lived in Mathie Crescent , I have never seen you. Do you hide up a tree or have you gone deep undercover and infiltrated the gang itself? Are you the one with the acne and the moustache on his forehead or the one with a chin like a wash hand basin? It's surely only a matter of time before you are head-hunted by MI5 to look for Osama.

Whilst I realise that there may be far more serious crimes taking place in Gourock, such as smoking in a public place or being Christian without due care and attention, is it too much to ask for a policeman to explain (using words of no more than two syllables at a time) to these **** that they might want to play their strange football game elsewhere?

The pitch on Larkfield Road or the one at Battery Park are both within spitting distance, as is the bottom of the Gourock Dock, the latter being the preferred option especially if the tide is in.

Should you wish to discuss these matters further you should feel free to contact me on . If after 25 minutes I have still failed to answer, I'll buy you a large one in Monty's Pub.


P.S If you think that this is sarcasm, think yourself lucky that you don't work for the sewerage department with whom I am also in contact !!!

*Disclaimer; The above is not true.
- Goonieman


lol X)

Small tip - anything claiming to be 'true' or 'genuine' probably isn't, such as the letter above:


Edited by: "Johnmcl7" 15th Feb 2011


Original Poster


Small tip - anything claiming to be 'true' or 'genuine' probably isn't, … Small tip - anything claiming to be 'true' or 'genuine' probably isn't, such as the letter above:http://www.google.co.uk/search?hl=en&safe=off&client=opera&hs=M68&rls=en&channel=suggest&q=%22May+I+be+the+first+to+congratulate+you+on+your+covert+skills%22&btnG=Search&aq=f&aqi=&aql=&oq=John

Ahhhh how true lol,Still got me laughing X)

if this is real (and I doubt it is) the guy soud like an ****. he's the type who'll be on at the council 40 times a day because the kids at the other end of the street are playing football in their garden and he's worried his **** extension in the drive may get scuffed from a stray free kick.

Love these sarcastic letters whether they are real or not.

X) i would love to read his sewerage department letter

so not real but good laughs


Love these sarcastic letters whether they are real or not.

you'd like this guy, clicky > http://www.27bslash6.com/images/27bslash6_logotype.gif


you'd like this guy, clicky >

haha yep love it, I have a friend who has such a dry sense of humor and is so sarcastic that I could listen to her going on all day

Definately not genuine as the word bawbag was not used.


you'd like this guy, clicky >

That site is awesome, you will lose a night on there easily. The letter where he sends a picture of a spider as payment is genius. True or not


He would have been locked up for threatening to take a claw hammer to their skulls

This is so old now

Ha, had to Google Map the street. Dump.


This is my own favouritehttp://www.27bslash6.com/missy.html

I like that !


This is my own … This is my own favourite[url=http://www.27bslash6.com/missy.html]http://www.27bslash6.com/missy.html[/url]

Aw that is epic, I have seen this site before, the bloke is a genius
Edited by: "skellysgirl" 15th Feb 2011


Love this letter soo funny http://www.27bslash6.com/blockbuster.html

This is better than the first !


This is better than the first !

I'm sat here reading the letters in fits of giggles! They are great thanks for the link x

This is the funniest thing! Only because I've lived quite close!!!

I have to say.. this is the best so far......

best one so far for me !

I am sat here laughing !
Edited by: "RickT" 15th Feb 2011



This is the funniest thing! Only because I've lived quite close!!!

Unlucky you

Lovingt this thread. Links are absolutely hilarious!


strong english skills for a Scot

certainly wasnt irvine welsh.

The permission slip one is funny, so is the pie chart, and the party invite
He has a facebook page with highlights on


lol at gullible OP and others thinking its real despite post #2 stating its an urban myth!

saw this one years ago!
Edited by: "csiman" 16th Feb 2011
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