Any advice on how to deal with a lazy 18 year old please?

121
Found 14th May 2012
Hi guys, I have an 18 year old who by all accounts from his school is about to epically fail all his A'levels. This isn't new, his school have been warning us all year and we have been working with them to try to cajole/beg/motivate him to put in more effort. He is a highly intelligent child who is more than capable of getting excellent results and his father and I have struggled hard and gone without to pay for him to have a private school education in the hope that he will go on to get a good degree and a good job. He has offers at 3 top universities based on his previous results but it seems that there is virtually no chance of his achieving the required grades this year to go to any of them, if even passing any of the exams. He insists that he does want to go to university but all he seems to care about at the moment is working as many hours as possible at his part time job so that he can have money to go out with his mates. Up until the past 12 months he very rarely went out and even now respect is not a problem, he does not swear or shout or bring any trouble to the door, he just will not put any effort into his school work at all. If we insist that he does not go out or to work he will sit in his room on the internet or instant messaging (supposed to be working). He seems to think that if he fails then he can just take a gap year, do a bit of college and retake for entry next year but both his father and I are determined that if he fails to get into university this year then he must get himself a full time job immediately and not sit at home doing nothing and claiming benefits. We don't care if it's picking up rubbish, stacking shelves or cleaning toilets as long as he doesn't think that he's going to carry on living the easy life. We also intend to make him pay the going rate in rent etc even if that takes most of his wages. I would very much welcome other peoples advice if they have been through similar or just other peoples opinions about 1) are we planning to be too hard on him (or not hard enough) and 2) what is the going rate for an 18/19 year old to pay in rent etc? Thanks x

Tips for a lazy 35 year old also please. ;-)
- gavjbrown

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Banned

Rule of 3s?

Original Poster

Rule of 3s? What's that please?

Kick the wee chits Erse.

I don't think your being too hard on him, he has wasted a fantastic oppertunity, and that is his loss.

For the going rate for rent, go on to your local council website, and see what he would get for housing benefit, on the shared room rate. Also look at how much rent is in the area, both for one bedroomed places and shared houses.

Age nope time for him to grow up albeit look into what he's doing on these nights out sounds like a bit of a personality switch so don't rule out drugs.

Also rent wise 18 or 98 it doesn't matter age wise you do not get a break for being a young adult or an older adult in this world in regards to rent, so as Kitten says check out the local going rate via forums/websites/council/paper etc.

have you guilt

Original Poster

celticjoe

have you guilt



I have plenty of guilt about not suceeding in preventing him from making the biggest mistake of his life but I'm not sure that that's what you're refering to? What do you mean "have you guilt"

Do nothing. From what you've said, you've given him more than enough. If he fails his exams let him. Hopefully he'll realise come September when mates go off to uni etc that he's made a mistake and will decide to do something about it himself. Stop providing for him without him paying full board in return. He may have to end up in a dead-end job he hates before he realises that he has to do something about it, but he has to realise this himself.

You can provide for your kids, but in the end, they have to do it themselves.
Edited by: "suchafunkymonkey" 14th May 2012

Banned

Boys mature far more slowly than girls, and while going to uni at 18 is fine for some, it's not for others.
Let him live a little - not at your expense, mind - and he can go to uni when he's grown up a bit.
You don't say what his part time job is, but it could be better for him to work his way up in that and become a manager in that job at an early age? It's not the first time I've seen a store manager in retail at 25 years of age on 45k+ so don't dismiss it out of hand.

rent, £100 a month? Depends on what he is making

Banned

I am not even going to bother reading that block of text. Hurts my eyes.

http://cdn.head-fi.org/3/38/38ba2741_www_plus613_net_GrammarNatzeeWallOTextbydinyctis.jpg

How long till his exams etc? Or is it basically too late now for him to knuckle down and do well?

If there is time, I know this might seem a bit counter productive but maybe get him to quit his part time job and get his to spend that time working on school work, pay him same rate as he gets part time as long as he proves he is doing his work etc. It will cost you a bit atm and may seem like giving him an easy ride but if he passes his exams and goes to uni as planned then it will probably save you and him alot of time, money and stress long term.
Edited by: "ZedEx" 14th May 2012

What does he say in response to getting a full time job, he doesn't seem to be idle as you say he does every hour he can at his part time job. Perhaps uni isn't for him and he will prosper once in a working environment.

It seems to me that you are trying to map out his future, let him decide it. he only has himself to blame then, if you push him into something he doesn't want to do then you may feel even worse. Encourage him in what he does want to do (if he has anything)

Banned

greg_68

What does he say in response to getting a full time job, he doesn't seem … What does he say in response to getting a full time job, he doesn't seem to be idle as you say he does every hour he can at his part time job. Perhaps uni isn't for him and he will prosper once in a working environment.It seems to me that you are trying to map out his future, let him decide it. he only has himself to blame then, if you push him into something he doesn't want to do then you may feel even worse. Encourage him in what he does want to do (if he has anything)



This. It seems like YOU want him to go to uni, rather than a choice he has made of his own volition. Uni is not the be-all and end-all it once was, and a lot of graduates do nothing with their degrees and end up in call centres. Your son, meanwhile could build up 4 good years of work experience while his mates are studying, and could well be the most employable of his circle when he's 22/23...

Take their weed of them

If you want him to continue with his studies heres what i would do.

1) tell him if he passes and gets into a good uni you will pay for a holiday to anywhere he wants up to a max £xxx.

2) to help him continue studying by giving him £50 - 100/month towards his living expenses.

If that fails i suggest you ask him to get the fux out of your house

Original Poster

His part time job is just washing dishes at the local pub so not much chance of his making a career from it unfortunately. I suspect that one of the problems is that since beginning working he's developed a whole new network of young friends from the pub most of whom it appears left school at 16 and are now working full time either at the pub or in warehouses etc and whom he can see with lots of money in their pockets, no responsibilities, own cars etc. Unfortunately, going to a private shcool his sees many of his friends at 18 with posh cars of their own and generous allowances. His father and I cannot afford any of this and he is impatient to earn a quick buck at the expense of going to uni and getting a solid start in life.

I would say play hard ball with him. As soon as college is over, tell him you want rent, two month deadline. If it's not met, through him out.

If not, do what my dad did when I was in between college and working. Tell him if he is living at home, you expect him to do 8 hours of work around the house.

E.g, paint the house, gardening, helping out granny.

If he doesn't, take away food etc. no money into the house, no money out of the house.
Edited by: "greenmachine12" 14th May 2012

Banned

dga

Remove toys,Remove money???????Profit?



Grow a beard,
Wear Sandals,
Talk in riddles
Prophet?

I was exactly like your son at 18 maybe even worse because i never had a job. I never went to Uni, and i am not in the greatest job in the world at the moment, but the main thing is i'm happy. You seem to believe that if your son does not go uni he is going to fail in life, but he seems much better than most 18 year olds, at least he is working, so he is not a lazy 18 year old like you said.. My parents never asked me to pay rent, nor did any parents of my friends whether they were Asian or black. It seems more of a english/white thing to do to ask your child to pay rent to live at home that's from what i have seen in programs and heard from people. You seem a bit hard on him, he is 18, he wants to have fun, he doesn't want to do school work, he is working to make money to go out instead of asking you for money. seems like a good guy.

2sly

I am not even going to bother reading that block of text. Hurts my eyes.


Yet you were bothered enough to type that reply and find an HILARIOUS picture. Just back out of the thread next time, fool.

I was the exact same as your son also, i'm 22 now (finishing my degree next month).

The reason i was like this was due to not really knowing what i wanted to do, does he have his heart set on something?

It's hard to work towards something when you don't know what you want to work towards.

Banned

hasj2

I was exactly like your son at 18 maybe even worse because i never had a … I was exactly like your son at 18 maybe even worse because i never had a job. I never went to Uni, and i am not in the greatest job in the world at the moment, but the main thing is i'm happy. You seem to believe that if your son does not go uni he is going to fail in life, but he seems much better than most 18 year olds, at least he is working, so he is not a lazy 18 year old like you said.. My parents never asked me to pay rent, nor did any parents of my friends whether they were Asian or black. It seems more of a english/white thing to do to ask your child to pay rent to live at home that's from what i have seen in programs and heard from people. You seem a bit hard on him, he is 18, he wants to have fun, he doesn't want to do school work, he is working to make money to go out instead of asking you for money. seems like a good guy.



http://greatergood.berkeley.edu/images/uploads/6EAM.jpg

Original Poster

I have had many conversations with him about does he really want to go to uni or am I pushing him down a path that he doesn't want and everytime his insists that he really wants to go. Both his father and I wasted our school years and have done OK but when we realised 10 years ago how gifted our son was we wanted to give him the opportunities that we didn't have and admittedly we have encouraged him to aim towards university as a goal. Right up until last month he was really enthusiastic about going to all the open days (he arranged them, not us) and was on a real high afterwards about how great it was going to be and how much more interesting it was going to be studying something that he really wanted to do. He is the only person who appears to be oblivious to the fact that he's not going to get the grades that he needs and only now, 2 days before his first exam is he admitting that he might not get good grades and is talking about "IF" I fail then I will just take a gap year.

just let him go his own way. He can always go back to uni in later life.

Banned

master_chief

Grow a beard,Wear Sandals,Talk in riddlesProphet?



What become you? (you do wear sandles do you not?)

I was also like your son. I didnt fail, but could have done much better. I ended up going to uni and then doing a masters. My motivation was to get a nice house and move away from my nagging parents.

Put it this way. He wants to go university but the way his lifestyle is at the moment, what's to say he will put the effort in for the given 3 years?

Banned

Winspiration

Yet you were bothered enough to type that reply and find an HILARIOUS … Yet you were bothered enough to type that reply and find an HILARIOUS picture. Just back out of the thread next time, fool.



Who rattled your cage? Don't see you adding anything to the thread (except for name calling of course). Another keyboard warrior (_;)

backinblack



Uh oh, are you going to call me a racist?

Original Poster

pulsex0r

Put it this way. He wants to go university but the way his lifestyle is … Put it this way. He wants to go university but the way his lifestyle is at the moment, what's to say he will put the effort in for the given 3 years?



This is exactly what his dad is saying now. Maybe it's better to just get him into any job that he can get now rather then have him start uni, take on all the debt and then quit because he can't hack it?

Banned

18 is such a young age to know where/what you want to be doing, you call him lazy yet he works every hour, maybe this says more about you than it does him, maybe he sees your pushing him as being about you not himself, my daughter is the same age and sometimes i see her confused to where she is going and how she will get there, her main aim was to get A levels and on to uni, 3 months in and she hated it with a passion became unhappy and put little in so came out with not the results she wanted, she changed the course and is now very happy about what she is doing but it does not stop the feeling of being uncertain at times. All you can do is always be there to offer and guide them, not push them into things and call them lazy because you feel they will ruin their life, its like saying the lives are ruined for all of the people that dont go to uni, just from your post alone you come across as a little dictating and maybe that isn't helping the situation

sbeard1

This is exactly what his dad is saying now. Maybe it's better to just get … This is exactly what his dad is saying now. Maybe it's better to just get him into any job that he can get now rather then have him start uni, take on all the debt and then quit because he can't hack it?



Isn't that for him to decide though? Your saying to get him into any job. He might go to UNi and be great, he might go to UNi and mess it up massively, but isn't that for him to decide?

Your still his parents, but he isn't a kid anymore. He has to make the decisions for himself, not you.

Uni isn't great for everyone, 3 of my friends went to Uni. All now have jobs with nothing to do with their degrees, all earning less money than myself.
Edited by: "greenmachine12" 14th May 2012

sbeard1

This is exactly what his dad is saying now. Maybe it's better to just get … This is exactly what his dad is saying now. Maybe it's better to just get him into any job that he can get now rather then have him start uni, take on all the debt and then quit because he can't hack it?



You are coming across as somebody who believes they have to run their adult childs life. Maybe this is out of your love for him, but it is not going to end well.

My advice would be to stop trying to manage his life and start to work out what your relationship with him as an adult will be, while he tries to figure out where he is going in life. Then maybe he will come to you when he needs or wants support.

I think you are putting too much pressure on him tbh and he is probably letting the pressure of getting good grades get to him.Stop nagging first of all.

He may well pass and get better grades than you all think,especially if he is as gifted as you say as I am sure the bulk of the work will have been done before he seemed to ease off on the studies.

The world will not stop turning and his life will not be ruined if he does fail,it will just take a reassessment.If he does fail I bet it will come as a big shock to him,but telling him is a failure and waster because of it will not help the situation.

Banned

My Mum's answer to me as a problem was to move to Spain, try that.

Plum

You are coming across as somebody who believes they have to run their … You are coming across as somebody who believes they have to run their adult childs life. Maybe this is out of your love for him, but it is not going to end well. My advice would be to stop trying to manage his life and start to work out what your relationship with him as an adult will be, while he tries to figure out where he is going in life. Then maybe he will come to you when he needs or wants support.



I see where you're coming from and of course, you're worried as parents. But like Plum said, it's better for him to make his own decisions. Truth is, no matter how much you push him towards something if his hearts not in it, it won't ever happen. Everyone learns the hard way. He's still at a young age so it won't bare that much on him as a future consequence. He's 18, he will be going out with friends and such that's just the way it is. He'll have to realise himself that he's not committing to his school work.

Original Poster

I confess that I do feel as though I need to 'help' him to run his life and make the right choices. I know that he is legally an adult but he is still my child and surely it is my responsibility to try to guide him in the direction that offers him the best opportunity in life? If he is capable of going to uni and 'wants' to go to uni then would I not be neglectful in my duty as a parent not to do everything I can to try to make that possible? He has never fought against the idea or even expressed doubt about wanting to go. I also do admit that I would be very angry with him for wasting an opportunity that other kids would love to have had and this is probably clouding my judgement. I have built up a significant amount of debt to put him through private school and I have never once thrown this in his face or even let him know about it and I can't help thinking that I am going to spend the next 20 years paying off this debt when I might as well not have bothered for the same result.

I dropped out the whole uni thing.

Regretted it for a while, then I found myself in a job which pays about the same as a fresh uni graduate would expect, with prospects and I've got 3 years experience at place I work now, mates are just coming out of uni this year and I feel I'm probably at the moment with the current climate in a much better position.

sbeard1

I confess that I do feel as though I need to 'help' him to run his life … I confess that I do feel as though I need to 'help' him to run his life and make the right choices. I know that he is legally an adult but he is still my child and surely it is my responsibility to try to guide him in the direction that offers him the best opportunity in life? If he is capable of going to uni and 'wants' to go to uni then would I not be neglectful in my duty as a parent not to do everything I can to try to make that possible? He has never fought against the idea or even expressed doubt about wanting to go. I also do admit that I would be very angry with him for wasting an opportunity that other kids would love to have had and this is probably clouding my judgement. I have built up a significant amount of debt to put him through private school and I have never once thrown this in his face or even let him know about it and I can't help thinking that I am going to spend the next 20 years paying off this debt when I might as well not have bothered for the same result.



Sounds to me you want to put him through university so he can get a decent job so he can clear off the debt that you as parents have acquired by putting him through private tuition? correct me if I'm wrong! You may not have thrown this in his face but it seems to me that it's clearly part of the agenda.

From what you've said, he's a clever lad, just enjoying his life. Trust me, if you have faith in him, then he'll pay off his debts himself and much more.
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