Any jokes to cheer me up?

    Morning all

    Having a bad day just found out my dog has to have an opperation on thursday and i have 2 friends having neuro surgery this week, thursday and friday so in need of a giggle to get my mind of it and you lot are so good at making laugh.


    What do you call a lady who sets fire to her bills ?

    Original Poster

    don't know

    an arsonist?

    Well there are loads of "What do you call jokes", including:

    Q. What do you call a woman who sets fire to her bills ?

    A. Bernadette

    Q. What do you call a man with a seagull on his head

    A. Cliff

    Q. What do you call a man with car on his head

    A. Jack

    Q. What do you call a man walking through the fallen leaves

    A. Russell

    Q. What do you call a man with a pice of wood on his head

    A. Edward

    Q. What do you call a japanese lady with a food mixer on her head

    A. Blenda

    Q. What do you call a woman with a full stop on her head?

    A. Dot.

    All of a sudden this huge extra-extra strong mint walks into a pub, he sits down and starts boasting about how he's the strongest mint and how he could win any fight, then another mint walks in, the extra-extra strong mint dives under a table! Someone asks him "I thought you where the strongest mint around???" "I know!" he replies, "but he's menthol".


    A tour bus driver drives with a bus full of seniors down a highway, when a little old lady taps him on his shoulder. She offers him a handful of almonds, which he gratefully munches up.
    After approx.15 minutes, she taps him on his shoulder again and she hands him another handful of almonds. She repeats this gesture about eight times.
    At the ninth time he asks the little old lady why they don't eat the almonds themselves, whereupon she replies that it is not possible because of their old teeth, they are not able to chew them. "Why do you buy them then?" he asks puzzled. Whereupon the old lady Answers, "We just love the chocolate around them."

    Three old pilots are walking on the ramp. First one says, “Windy, isn’t it?”
    Second says, “No, its Thursday!”
    Third one says, “So am I. Lest go get a beer.”

    Original Poster


    Two parrots sitting on a perch. One of them says "Can you smell fish?"

    What has four legs and goes "Booo"? A cow with a cold.

    When you are down it is the silly one liners that cheer you up.

    Man goes to the doctors

    He says: "I keep thinking I am a pair of curtains"

    Doctor: "Come on man, pull yourself together".


    I went down the local supermarket, I said
    "I want to make a complaint, this vinegar's got lumps in it".

    He said "Those are pickled onions".


    I'm in great mood at the moment because the other day I entered a competition and I won a years supply of Marmite......... one jar.


    A Penguin walks into a pub and says to the barman "Has my brother been in here"

    "I dont know" replies the barman, "whats he look like?"


    A man is driving down a country road, when he spots a farmer standing in the middle of a huge field of grass. He pulls the car over to the side of the road and notices that the farmer is just standing there, doing nothing, looking at nothing. The man gets out of the car, walks all the way out to the farmer and asks him, "Ah excuse me mister, but what are you doing? “The farmer replies, "I'm trying to win a Nobel Prize. “How?" asks the man, puzzled. “Well, I heard they give the Nobel Prize . . . to people who are out standing in their field."

    Hopes you is being happies nows
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