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    Best Joke in the world....

    A couple of New Jersey hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head. The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps to the operator: “My friend is dead! What can I do?”

    The operator, in a calm soothing voice says: “Just take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead.” There is a silence, then a shot is heard.

    The guy's voice comes back on the line. He says: “OK, now what?“

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    Top joke in USA

    A man and a friend are playing golf one day at their local golf course. One of the guys is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long funeral procession on the road next to the course. He stops in mid-swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eyes, and bows down in prayer.

    His friend says: “Wow, that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You truly are a kind man.”

    The man then replies: “Yeah, well we were married 35 years.”
    ------------------------------
    Top Joke in England

    Two guys are sitting on a bar stool. One starts to insult the other one. He screams, “I slept with your mother!” The bar gets quiet as everyone listens to see what the other weasel will do. The first again yells, “I SLEPT WITH YOUR MOTHER!”

    The other says, “Go home dad you’re drunk.”
    -----------------------------------
    Top Joke in Northern Ireland

    A doctor says to his patient, “I have bad news and worse news”.

    “Oh dear, what's the bad news?” asks the patient.

    The doctor replies, “You only have 24 hours to live.”

    “That's terrible”, said the patient. “How can the news possibly be worse?”

    The doctor replies, “I've been trying to contact you since yesterday.”
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    19 Comments

    Mick is walking past Paddy's farm one evening when he hears seductive music coming from the barn. He looks through the window to see Paddy dancing and stripping off. "Bejaysus Paddy, what are you doing ?" says Mick.
    "It's not what you think" says Paddy "me and the wife have been drifting apart lately so I went to see one of those counsellors and he said I should do something sexy to a tractor".

    I liked the Golf one

    Original Poster

    Golf one i like the most also.

    Banned

    burstlikeabubble

    I liked the Golf one



    yep good one

    One day in the forest, 3 guys were just hiking along a trail when all of a sudden, a huge pack of indians attaked them and knocked them out.
    When they woke up, they were at the leader of the tribe's throne.
    The chief then said "All of your lives may be spared if you can find ten of one fruit and bring them back to me."
    So after a while the first man returned with 10 apples. The cheif then ordered him to stick all ten of them up his butt without making any expression at all on his face. He had a little bit of trouble with the first one and started crying while trying to put the next one in. He was soon killed.
    Later, the next guy came in with 10 grapes. The chief soon ordered him to do the same as the first guy. After to the 9th grape, the man started laughing so hard for no apperant reason, and was killed.
    The first two guys soon met in heaven and the first guy ask the second, "Why did you start laughing? You only needed one more grape and you'd have got away!"
    The second guy answered while still laughing, "I couldn't help it. I saw the third guy walking in with pineapples."

    tl;dr

    Thanks all for the laugh!!!

    Banned

    Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Re: Re: Re:

    lol good jokes pal

    jay_leeds

    lol good jokes pal


    not really

    Some old, some new?

    Breaking News: The UN has said that if they capture Gaddafi they will put him where he can do no harm to anyone - up front for Notts Forest.

    The thing I love most about this hot weather is the short skirts and low cut tops. Although they do make me look a bit gay.

    Q: Why don't blondes use vibrators? A: They would chip their teeth.

    Following the tragic death of the Human Cannonball at the Kent Show, a spokesman said "We'll struggle to get another man of the same calibre."

    My son was thrown out of school today for letting a girl in his class give him a ****. I said "Son, that's 3 schools this year. You want to stop before you're banned from teaching altogether."

    Q: What's the difference between a blond and a brick? A: The brick doesn't follow you home after you lay it.

    Remember the 7 qualities for the perfect girlfriend - Beautiful,
    Intelligent, Gentle, Thoughtful, Innocent, Trustworthy, Sensible.
    Or in other words B.I.G.T.I.T.S.

    Just been to the gym. They've got a new machine in. Only used it for half an hour as I started to feel sick. It's great though. It does everything -
    KitKats, Mars bars, Snickers, Crisps, the lot.

    My new wig arrived the other day. It's made of **** hair. The bloody thing keeps blowing off.

    A wise man once said "You should treat your women the way you treat your hoover. When it stops sucking, change the old bag."

    Prince William said he didn't want the traditional fruit cake at his
    wedding. Prince Phillip says he went anyway.

    What do Tottenham Hotspur and Heather Mills have in common? The second leg is just for show

    I've just watched the Simpsons and realised it's a load of ****. Who would put a load of funny yellow people in charge of running a nuclear power station?

    I thought the wife would be the ideal candidate for a new TV show. Turns out I got it all wrong and the programme's called Fact Hunt.

    The cost of living has now got so bad that my wife is having sex with me because she can't afford batteries!

    1 sperm has 37.5MB of DNA information in it. That means that a normal ejaculation represents a data transfer of 1403808.59375GB in about 3 seconds.
    And you thought Virgin media was fast.

    Paddy bursts into the Benefits office. I've been ringing 08001730 for 2
    bloody days. Why don't you answer the bloody phone. Girl replies, those are our opening times yyou daft ****.

    Last night I reached for my liquid Viagra and accidentally swigged from a bottle of Tippex. I woke up this morning with a huge correction.

    I met a girl in a bar the other night and I told her that she reminded me of my little toe, she said is it because I'm small and cute, I said no it's because I've got a feeling I'll be banging you on the coffee table later.

    so i was drying my cock with a hairdryer and my girlfriend says "Why are you doing this?"










    so I replied, "im Cooking your dinner"





    ok let me tell you a joke.....2 mentally ill guys going pass a river in winter,there was some fog on the surface of water,one guy ask the other why is this smoke coming out of water?the other replied,"well nothing,it's just fish making tea".

    What's black & doesn't work?

    Half of London

    ChrisUK

    What's black & doesn't work?Half of London



    I can't believe you just said that!

    lmao inb4racist

    Banned

    addjon

    ok let me tell you a joke.....2 mentally ill guys going pass a river in … ok let me tell you a joke.....2 mentally ill guys going pass a river in winter,there was some fog on the surface of water,one guy ask the other why is this smoke coming out of water?the other replied,"well nothing,it's just fish making tea".



    http://www.profilebrand.com/funny-pictures/category/people/538_applause.gif

    addjon

    ok let me tell you a joke.....2 mentally ill guys going pass a river in … ok let me tell you a joke.....2 mentally ill guys going pass a river in winter,there was some fog on the surface of water,one guy ask the other why is this smoke coming out of water?the other replied,"well nothing,it's just fish making tea".




    Im speechless

    you make me laugh but ina very very weird way

    Original Poster

    Thats the worst joke in the world.
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