Best one liners

49
Found 24th Mar 2017
What happened to the Tommy Cooper thread I was just reading ?

It made me chuckle so thought this might be fun.

Apologies if there is already a thread for this.

To start:

George Carlin - Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things

Billy Connelly - My definition of an intellectual is somebody who can listen to the William Tell overture without thinking of the Lone Ranger

WC Fields - Start everyday with a smile and get it over with

Gore Vidal - Everytime a friend succeeds I die a little

Groucho Marx - I never forget a face, but in your case I'd be glad to make an exception
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colin4man

What happened to the Tommy Cooper thread I was just reading ?



This one?

[ hotukdeals.com/mis…848 ]

PS.
colin4man

...Billy Connelly - My definition of an intellectual is somebody who can … ...Billy Connelly - My definition of an intellectual is somebody who can listen the the William Tell overture without thinking of the Lone Ranger

Edited by: "fanpages" 24th Mar 2017
I've just been on a once-in-a-lifetime holiday. I'll tell you what, never again - Tim Vine.
colin4man

What happened to the Tommy Cooper thread I was just reading ?

colin4man

...Billy Connelly - My definition of an intellectual is somebody who can … ...Billy Connelly - My definition of an intellectual is somebody who can listen the the William Tell overture without thinking of the Lone Ranger



​That's the one. Couldn't find it after clicking back to main menu.
colin4man

What happened to the Tommy Cooper thread I was just reading ?

colin4man

...Billy Connelly - My definition of an intellectual is somebody who can … ...Billy Connelly - My definition of an intellectual is somebody who can listen the the William Tell overture without thinking of the Lone Ranger



​Fixed typo - very diligent, Ta.
My personal favourite​.. ..
Winston Churchill - (in response to someone calling him drunk) Madame you are ugly, however in the morning I shall be sober
fanpages

PS.



FP - you have way to much time on your hands.


Anyway....

Roy Keane - "Fail to prepare, prepare to fail" ... probably used elsewhere too.

Not a one-liner just one I really like......

Donald Rumsfeld - "There are known knowns. These are things we know that we know. There are known unknowns. That is to say, there are things that we know we don't know. But there are also unknown unknowns. There are things we don't know we don't know."
If anyone cries at my funeral, I will never speak to him again.

You can take a horse to water, but a pencil must be led.

Stan Laurel
Just sold my vacuum, it was just collecting dust. TVine
Dwarf shortage. jCarr
I'm not young enough to know everything.
We are all in this together. David Cameron X)
fanpages

This one?[ … This one?[ http://www.hotukdeals.com/misc/tommy-cooper-a-few-jokes-that-made-266848 ]


Just like that!
Rubisco

Just like that!




Rubisco, I have to credit you with one of the most subtle replies I have seen on here. Can you remember the politician below?

As I was getting off my motorbike in work last week I saw my boss struggling with a heavy box, I said to her...
If you hold my helmet I'll grab your box.
drtongue

Just sold my vacuum, it was just collecting dust. TVineDwarf shortage. … Just sold my vacuum, it was just collecting dust. TVineDwarf shortage. jCarrI'm not young enough to know everything.



I'm not young enough to know everything

Maybe this is where my favourite fridge magnet was inspired from. I bought it for my kids. It reads.

Teenagers, tired of being harassed by your stupid parents? Act Now! Move out, get a job and pay your own bills while you still know everything!
love this one

When Nancy Astor, Britain's first female MP, told Sir Winston Churchill that: "If I were your wife I would put poison in your coffee," Churchill famously replied: "Nancy, if I were your husband I would drink it."
rap451

FP - you have way to much time on your hands. ;)Anyway....Roy Keane - … FP - you have way to much time on your hands. ;)Anyway....Roy Keane - "Fail to prepare, prepare to fail" ... probably used elsewhere too.Not a one-liner just one I really like......Donald Rumsfeld - "There are known knowns. These are things we know that we know. There are known unknowns. That is to say, there are things that we know we don't know. But there are also unknown unknowns. There are things we don't know we don't know."



​Is it just me or does anyone else think the Donald Rumsfeld quote is brilliant. I know he got a lot of stick for it at the time and I could never work out why. Seriously.
Did you here about the peanut that went to hospital? He was a salted.

Peter Kay...I think
Frankie Boyle did a good one last week.

They say it's not nice to die lonely. That's why I'll be taking people with me
Today a man knocked on my door and asked for a small donation towards the local swimming pool. I gave him a glass of water.
fascinate ? yes miss I can give you a sentence with that in ......like this morning when you put on that 12 button blouse but could only fasten eight cos you got massive...
colin4man

​Is it just me or does anyone else think the Donald Rumsfeld quote is b … ​Is it just me or does anyone else think the Donald Rumsfeld quote is brilliant. I know he got a lot of stick for it at the time and I could never work out why. Seriously.


Yeah, what he said actually makes perfect sense, it is just a bit confusing on first hearing.
__________________________
The first time I met my wife, I knew she was a keeper. She was wearing massive gloves.
My wife and I were walking down the street the other day when we came across three men attacking my mother-in-law. My wife turned to me and said, "Aren't you going to help?" to which I replied "No, I think 3 should be enough."

-- Les Dawson (I believe)
"My grandfather died last week. He'd been ill for a while, but they covered his back in lard and he went down hill quickly after that"
'I told you I was ill'

On Spike Milligan's grave
A man goes into Boots and says: "Have you got any Viagra?" "Do you have a prescription?" asks the chemist. "No," he replies, "But 'I've got a photograph of the wife."

Quasimodo's son is stopped by the police, they ask him "What's that bulge in your pocket"? .............."It's a Photo of my dad"!

[img]img.s-msn.com/ten…img?h=464&w=600&m=6&q=60&o=t&l=f[/img]
“I woke up in an ambulance. And it wasn’t nothing but white people staring at me. I said, “Ain’t this a bitch. I done died and wound up in the wrong mutha’fu'ck-ing heaven.”
- Richard Pryor.
"How you doin?' Joey from Friends
When I die, I want to die like my granddad who died peacefully in his sleep. Not screaming like all the passengers on his bus.
If at first you don't succeed, so much for Sky Diving!
samzam

"How you doin?' Joey from Friends


oO
'Frankly, my dear, I don't give a damn'. Clark Gable in "Gone with the wind"
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deleted1431257
Opinions are like A-holes, everybody has one
ELVIS_THE_PELVIS

oO


Best I could think of lol
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deleted1431257
FantasyDeals

Today a man knocked on my door and asked for a small donation towards the … Today a man knocked on my door and asked for a small donation towards the local swimming pool. I gave him a glass of water.


A woman wearing a burka knocked on my door asking for donations, instead of opening the door I opened the letterbox and talked to her. She asked why I was talking to her that way which I responded "now you know what it feels like talking to someone with their face covered".
colin4man

My personal favourite​.. ..Winston Churchill - (in response to someone c … My personal favourite​.. ..Winston Churchill - (in response to someone calling him drunk) Madame you are ugly, however in the morning I shall be sober


To which a servant whispered in his ear, "Sir, she was your son Randy."
“You call that a knife? That’s not a knife. This is a knife”, Mick in “Crocodile” Dundee
From Whiskey Tango Foxtrot. When asked, by a journalist for his comment on the war in Afghanistan the General replies " This war is like ******* a gorilla. You just keep going until the gorilla wants to stop"
Edited by moderator: "swearing" 25th Mar 2017
“Tell me something, my friend. You ever dance with the devil in the pale moonlight”, The Joker (Jack Nicholson) from Batman
hass123

Opinions are like A-holes, everybody has one



Opinions are like farts: everyone likes their own.
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