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    Can anyone point me in the right direction? help with kids?

    I need to talk to a 4year old about loss of a parent and dont know where to start.
    Are there any websites or places can offer help? i was given a number fo a local place and its shut..
    any help please?

    32 Comments

    Banned

    the best place to start is answer their questions, surely. I am assuming they already know about this loss, or do you mean you have to inform them?

    try your local hospice - kids one if they have one. They have trained people to deal with it who will help you with the answers and things to lead questions about.

    There is a brilliant book about a dragonfly - can't remember the title but i'll find out if you want, that a friend used - also there was a good video - i think it was Pete's Dragon - a Disney one - which was a great help to my friends little ones aobut how to deal with losing a family member.

    Give lots of hugs and reasurance that it doesn't mean everyone they love will be going away.

    Thinking of you - and the children.

    Admin

    You can find some really useful books which deal with this, one is called "I miss you" and "waterbugs and dragonflies" and amazon.co.uk/Sam…09X

    Original Poster

    its not a death its an abandonment...

    and hes not asked fo her at all. So how can i or should i even bring it up?
    Thanks to you all. I dont know who to ask. I have tried the school health and they have a wit list...

    Banned

    my daughters dad died when she was very little, i told her that daddy had gone to heaven, she had many questions and i answered them the best i could, considering her age, although she understood she would never see him again she could not get to grips to why he couldnt ring her, kids little heads dont take on things like we do

    Banned

    plumberman01;6975031

    its not a death its an abandonment...and hes not asked fo her at all. So … its not a death its an abandonment...and hes not asked fo her at all. So how can i or should i even bring it up?Thanks to you all. I dont know who to ask. I have tried the school health and they have a wit list...



    go with the child, they will guide you through it, there is no right way here

    Original Poster

    sassie;6975036

    my daughters dad died when she was very little, i told her that daddy had … my daughters dad died when she was very little, i told her that daddy had gone to heaven, she had many questions and i answered them the best i could, considering her age, although she understood she would never see him again she could not get to grips to why he couldnt ring her, kids little heads dont take on things like we do



    Sassie i would find it easier if there was a reason fo the loss but she has just left the kids....he hasnt asked at all not once for her. He has been so happy never wingeing-a joy. The last few days he is more giddy and has started being REALLY happy and hard to calm iynwim...its this change thats puzzling.

    Banned

    plumberman01;6975068

    Sassie i would find it easier if there was a reason fo the loss but she … Sassie i would find it easier if there was a reason fo the loss but she has just left the kids....he hasnt asked at all not once for her. He has been so happy never wingeing-a joy. The last few days he is more giddy and has started being REALLY happy and hard to calm iynwim...its this change thats puzzling.



    is this your child we are talking about? if so i really think you should leave it till the child is ready to deal with it, i know thats hard, but forcing a child to deal with something they are not ready to do is not the right way, just my opinion

    Original Poster

    sassie;6975082

    is this your child we are talking about? if so i really think you should … is this your child we are talking about? if so i really think you should leave it till the child is ready to deal with it, i know thats hard, but forcing a child to deal with something they are not ready to do is not the right way, just my opinion



    its my grandson, yes
    and i dont want to force it but dont want his little mind hurting either..

    Banned

    plumberman01;6975098

    its my grandson, yesand i dont want to force it but dont want his little … its my grandson, yesand i dont want to force it but dont want his little mind hurting either..



    children deal with things very differently than we do, they dont look for this and that, i would say let him have his time, please be careful not to do more damage whilst thinking your doing good

    juliet_bravo;6975015

    You can find some really useful books which deal with this, one is called … You can find some really useful books which deal with this, one is called "I miss you" and "waterbugs and dragonflies" and http://www.amazon.co.uk/Samantha-Janes-Missing-Smile-Coping/dp/159147809X



    Waterbugs & Butterflies - thats the one i was thinking of - its a little blue one - or was:thumbsup:

    Original Poster

    lucerysmum;6975113

    Waterbugs & Butterflies - thats the one i was thinking of - its a little … Waterbugs & Butterflies - thats the one i was thinking of - its a little blue one - or was:thumbsup:



    thanks i will look if i can get it at the library-i can see if it would help then

    I've a little girl who is nearly 5, her mum didnt look after her properly when she was little and social services took her into care(against my wishes and without my knowledge). I went through court and now have residency of her full time. She's never asked about her mum despite other kids in her school all having mums and dads. i've not planned anything to say when she asks, which i know she will, i'm just going along with what sassie said and dealing with it as it comes rather than force her into dealing with it now. I think thats the best way of doing it.

    Original Poster

    jellybaby22;6975135

    when my ex left he didnt see my daughter for months.....absolutely no … when my ex left he didnt see my daughter for months.....absolutely no contactshe behaved in a similar way...,and never once asked about himi just didnt force the issue and when she did ask i was as honest as i could be



    i guess i find it harder to understand as she has been a single parent to him so the only care-giver. Can you imagine you daughter not asking your mum for you even if you wasnt back for tea? thats whats wrong...he hasnt asked

    Bless you - what a great caring Granny you are. I'm not sure of the answer - except that you are laready showing you love him very much by doing this - just ensure he knows he is very loved by those around him - and they always say try not to be negative about the parent who has gone because that confuses children even more (that will take huge self restraint !).

    Is there anything on sites like Gingerbread - and other lone parent sites?

    Banned

    plumberman01;6975154

    i guess i find it harder to understand as she has been a single parent to … i guess i find it harder to understand as she has been a single parent to him so the only care-giver. Can you imagine you daughter not asking your mum for you even if you wasnt back for tea? thats whats wrong...he hasnt asked



    it isnt wrong at all, he will deal with it when he is ready, you only know what you know, dont try to think what is in his head, your trying to understand it all as an adult, he is a child, and wont have half the questions you do

    Original Poster

    davidn84;6975149

    I've a little girl who is nearly 5, her mum didnt look after her properly … I've a little girl who is nearly 5, her mum didnt look after her properly when she was little and social services took her into care(against my wishes and without my knowledge). I went through court and now have residency of her full time. She's never asked about her mum despite other kids in her school all having mums and dads. i've not planned anything to say when she asks, which i know she will, i'm just going along with what sassie said and dealing with it as it comes rather than force her into dealing with it now. I think thats the best way of doing it.



    lucerysmum;6975158

    Bless you - what a great caring Granny you are. I'm not sure of the … Bless you - what a great caring Granny you are. I'm not sure of the answer - except that you are laready showing you love him very much by doing this - just ensure he knows he is very loved by those around him - and they always say try not to be negative about the parent who has gone because that confuses children even more (that will take huge self restraint !).Is there anything on sites like Gingerbread - and other lone parent sites?



    im crying reading your answers-so many children are in this situation its unbelieveable-i would have killed to keep my kids. He has two siblings younger gone now wth dad(he has another dad) so he has lost all of them. Social services dont want to know as hes being taken care of physically.....
    I would never be negative about her but i do want to break her neck right now:oops:

    Original Poster

    jellybaby22;6975182

    but im sure he will at some point....so really all you can do is be … but im sure he will at some point....so really all you can do is be prepared for when he does....difficult situation though xx



    yes i guess so-its hard to know what to say.

    sassie;6975190

    it isnt wrong at all, he will deal with it when he is ready, you only … it isnt wrong at all, he will deal with it when he is ready, you only know what you know, dont try to think what is in his head, your trying to understand it all as an adult, he is a child, and wont have half the questions you do



    I suppose so hes just taken it as a fact....instead of questioning it like me...thanks

    I know its not a "bereavement" but I suspect a child would react in a similar way - they have still suffered the loss of a parent...

    The BBC has a small section on this and you will probably find it easier to find books on children and bereavement than abandonment.
    bbc.co.uk/rel…tml

    If you type children and seperation into the book search on Amazon quite a few come up.

    Just keep caring as you are - you are his world - and what a great support you are already being. Take time to grieve yourself that she has left you in the lurch too.

    Mod & Ed

    He's very lucky to have a grandparent who's not just caring for his everyday needs but his emotional ones too, good luck to you all, hope things resolve themselves

    Good luck

    I've got an adopted brother currently in the teens, don't force the issue wait till the child is ready and wants to comes to terms or ask questions, there is no point explaining it to a child who probably isn't ready and doesn't understand.

    As well as this it may be a good idea to check for stuff, as my brother and other children in such cases usually have a form of release somehow.

    http://images.zwani.com/graphics/thinking_of_you/images/1.jpg

    Cruise bereavement care are really helpfull and have several book and leaflets for young children
    Lost my parents quite young and they helped a lot

    Does the little one go to school or preschool. if so i would make sure they are aware of the situation so they can tell you how hes getting on.

    Original Poster

    Thanks all of you i will look at all the suggestions. Thanks also foe the good and kind wishes.
    Yes he is in school (i had to change it to local to me) and they have said he has been brilliant from day one. He has settled like hes been there forever. As he has in our home. He has even asked us to paint his room(our spare room) bless him, although we havent had time yet!. He is so proud of his room he asked his great gran to come look at it on saturday when she visited...and when he mentioned a toy from home he wanted i asked him did he want to go home for it? he said he would then come back to nanas.
    My o/h thinks he must have had a miseable time at home previously but i find it had to think of my daughter that way.....
    and yes i am grieving myself more every day as i still havent spoken to her.

    Again thanks all of you-you have given me something to think about and do ;-)

    Original Poster

    more rep tomorrow sorry guys xx

    plumberman01;6976931

    Thanks all of you i will look at all the suggestions. Thanks also foe the … Thanks all of you i will look at all the suggestions. Thanks also foe the good and kind wishes.Yes he is in school (i had to change it to local to me) and they have said he has been brilliant from day one. He has settled like hes been there forever. As he has in our home. He has even asked us to paint his room(our spare room) bless him, although we havent had time yet!. He is so proud of his room he asked his great gran to come look at it on saturday when she visited...and when he mentioned a toy from home he wanted i asked him did he want to go home for it? he said he would then come back to nanas.My o/h thinks he must have had a miseable time at home previously but i find it had to think of my daughter that way.....and yes i am grieving myself more every day as i still havent spoken to her.Again thanks all of you-you have given me something to think about and do ;-)



    He sounds like he is perfectly happy, dont fret. Sometimes we just need to get on with life and stop thinking about it :thumbsup: If he is talking about his room at yrs he is already settled and I'd suggest a biiiig shopping trip for paint and curtains etc, let him pick, he will love it. One thing I will say is I personally would try to contact the other siblings father and ask if yr grandson can visit, its really important to keep that bond with them. Anyway you'll all be fine, let us know what colour he picks for his room and good luck.

    oh and it might be worth seeing if yr daughter is in need of some help, its not something that is done on a whim normally, you dont have to involve yrself but might be worth making some agencies aware. Apologies if this sounds like meddling but this has been in my mind all day and wanted to wish you well. :friends:

    Original Poster

    Moo thanks so much-he is seeing the little ones each weekend(except last as i was ill and theyre an hour away) He is being perfect with me and the kids and a good man.
    I will do my best to get his oom sorted for him how he would like it but i guess im worried we will get it all done and she'll take him back, and ill be even more broken-hearted, as ill have accepted hes staying iykwim?

    Child services are involved(no help tbh) and have spoken to her on the phone only. I was woried for her mental health but can't deal with everything-i had all 3 siblings for the first 10/11 days plus my own. There is only so much i can do.

    Thanks too for the rep fom people i didnt do this to make a fuss i really felt at wits end...all the suggestions and understanding has really helped, so many thanks all of you xxxxx
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