Christmas Jokes.....Filling my Own Crackers

    Hi All,

    Im being original and filling my own crackers.

    I need some jokes however, can be adult/non adult. Dont have to be Xmas Jokes.

    I have so far:

    What do a Christmas tree and priest have in common..?

    Their balls are just for decoration.


    Why Did the Baker Have Smelly Hands..?

    Because he Kneaded a Poo


    Darth Vader: Luke I know what your getting for Christmas.

    Luke Skywalker: But how!

    Darth Vader: I felt you presents.

    I'll get my coat. :oops:


    Here's a few bad ones

    What do you get when you walk under a friendly cow?
    A pat on the head.

    What do you get when you cross a caterpillar with a parrot?
    A walky-talky.

    What's a dentist's favourite musical instrument?
    A tuba toothpaste.

    What did the dolphin say to the whale when he bumped into him?
    I didn't do it on porpoise.

    What do you call a chicken in a shell suit?
    An egg.

    What do you call two robbers?
    A pair of knickers.

    I'll get my coat too

    There are a few ]here

    What happened when the snowgirl fell out with the snowboy ?
    She gave him the cold shoulder !

    A 7-year old child was drawing a picture of the Nativity. The picture was
    very good, including Mary, Joseph and, of course, baby Jesus.
    However, there was a fat man standing in the corner of the stable, that just
    did not seem to fit in. When the child was asked about it, she replied,
    "Oh, That's Round John Virgin."

    There once was a czar in Russia whose name was Rudolph the Great. He was standing in his house one day with his wife. He looked out the window and saw something happening. He says to his wife," Look honey. Its raining." She, being the obstinate type, responded," I don't think so, dear. I think its snowing." But Rudolph knew better. So he says to his wife," Let's step outside and we'll find out." Lo and behold, they step outside and discover it was in fact rain. And Rudolph turns to his wife and replies," I knew it was raining. Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear!"

    Why was Santa's little helper depressed?
    Because he had low elf esteem.

    The 3 stages of man:
    He believes in Santa Claus.
    He doesn't believe in Santa Claus.
    He is Santa Claus.

    Whats the difference between snowmen and show women?

    Original Poster

    Thanks i have used a couple of those for the kids, any adult ones for the older people?



    Thanks i have used a couple of those for the kids, any adult ones for the … Thanks i have used a couple of those for the kids, any adult ones for the older people?

    What do you get when you cross a pickle with a reindeer?
    A Dill Doe

    Oh i have a funny kids one

    There were 100 people under 1 average sized umbrella, how did none of them get wet?

    It wasn't raining

    Ungreat get my coat while your there.

    How come you never hear anything about the 10th reindeer "Olive" ?
    Olive ?
    Yeah, you know, "Olive the other reindeer, used to laugh and call him names"


    Why are women's breasts like a train set a kid gets at Christmas time ?
    Because they were originally made for children but the father wants to play with them.


    Why doesn't Santa have any children ?
    Because he only comes once a year, and when he does, it's down the chimney

    Why is Christmas just like a day at the office ?
    You do all the work and the fat guy with the suit gets all the credit.


    How are a Christmas tree and a priest alike ?
    They both have ornamental balls.


    What do the female reindeer do when Santa takes the male reindeer out on Christmas Eve ?
    They go into town, and blow a few bucks.

    Why did the snowman have a smile on his face ?
    Because the snowblower was coming down the block.


    The three wise men arrived to visit the child lying in the manger. One of the wise men was exceptionally tall, and bumped his head on the low doorway as he entered the stable.
    "Jesus Christ!" he shouted.
    Joseph said, "Write that down, Mary; it's better than Clyde

    Q. Why was Santa's little helper depressed?
    A. Because he had low elf esteem.

    Q: What does a Christmas tree and priest have in common?
    A: Their balls are just for decoration

    Q: What is the difference between "ooooooh" and "aaaaaaah"?
    A: About three inches.

    Q. Why don't blind people skydive?
    A. Because it scares the hell out of their dog.

    Q: What did the banana say to the vibrator?
    A: What are YOU shaking for? She's going to eat me!

    Original Poster

    he he he keep em coming

    That Wasn't Turkey!

    And for a laugh put some expired food coupons in each one, and a tea bag as the prize.

    This reminds me of the time we gave my OH's sister a half eaten box of chocolates for xmas Oh I love having a laugh at xmas.
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