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    Dear Mr. Bank Manager

    A 98 year old woman wrote this to her bank. The bank manager thought it amusing enough to have it published in the Times.


    Dear Sir,

    I am writing to thank you for bouncing my cheque with which I endeavoured to pay my plumber last month.

    By my calculations, three 'nanoseconds' must have elapsed between his presenting the cheque and the arrival in my account of the funds needed to honour it.

    I refer, of course, to the automatic monthly deposit of my Pension, an arrangement which, I admit, has been in place for only eight years. You are to be commended for seizing that brief window of opportunity, and also for debiting my account £30 by way of penalty for the inconvenience caused to your bank.

    My thankfulness springs from the manner in which this incident has caused me to rethink my errant financial ways. I noticed that whereas I personally attend to your telephone calls and letters, when I try to contact you, I am confronted by the impersonal, overcharging, pre-recorded, faceless entity which your bank has become.

    From now on, I, like you, choose only to deal with a flesh-and-blood person. My mortgage and loan payments will therefore and hereafter no longer be automatic, but will arrive at your bank by cheque, addressed personally and confidentially to an employee at your bank whom you must nominate.

    Be aware that it is an offence under the Postal Act for any other person to open such an envelope. Please find attached an Application Contact Status which I require your chosen employee to complete.

    I am sorry it runs to eight pages, but in order that I know as much about him or her as your bank knows about me, there is no alternative. Please note that all copies of his or her medical history must be countersigned by a Solicitor, and the mandatory details of his/her financial situation (income, debts, assets and liabilities) must be accompanied by docu,mented proof.

    In due course, I will issue your employee with a PIN number which he/she must quote in dealings with me. I regret that it cannot be shorter than 28 digits but, again, I have modelled it on the number of button presses required of me to access my account balance on your phone bank service. As they say, imitation is the sincerest form of flattery.

    Let me level the playing field even further. When you call me, press buttons as follows:

    1-- To make an appointment to see me.
    2-- To query a missing payment.
    3-- To transfer the call to my living room in case I am there.
    4-- To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I am sleeping.
    5-- To transfer the call to my toilet in case I am attending to nature.
    6-- To transfer the call to my mobile phone if I am not at home.
    7-- To leave a message on my computer (a password to access my computer is required. A password will be communicated to you at a later date to the Authorised Contact.)
    8-- To return to the main menu and to listen to options 1 through 8.
    9-- To make a general complaint or enquiry, the contact will then be put on hold, pending the attention of my automated answering service. While this may, on occasion, involve a lengthy wait, uplifting music will play for the duration of the call.

    Regrettably, but again following your example, I must also levy an establishment fee to cover the setting up of this new arrangement.

    May I wish you a happy, if ever so slightly less prosperous, New Year.

    Your Humble Client.

    19 Comments

    Thats very clever

    yes a great response from a 98 year old...with a finely tuned brain...shucks I must find out what makes her tick as I could do with some of whatever it is.

    fireheaven

    Thats very clever



    and you're very clever with your fight against nicotine..hope you're still progesssing well.

    currychops

    and you're very clever with your fight against nicotine..hope you're … and you're very clever with your fight against nicotine..hope you're still progesssing well.




    Ahh thanks :thumbsup: . Yes still going strong 8 days now and it is getting easier.

    Darling Facist Bullyboy

    Give me some more money you b*stard.

    May the seed of your loin be fruitful in the belly of your woman,
    Neil.

    :-D

    Banned

    Poor woman, only had her pension since she was 90! :?

    JDeal

    Poor woman, only had her pension since she was 90! :?

    No, only had the automatic depositing of her pension since she was 90 :whistling:

    Banned

    :x Didn't read it all :x

    gota love it..and oh how true it is :roll:

    lol, did the bank have to do it?

    currychops

    yes a great response from a 98 year old...with a finely tuned … yes a great response from a 98 year old...with a finely tuned brain...shucks I must find out what makes her tick as I could do with some of whatever it is.



    It's an urban legend, there was no 98yr old woman, the writer is a columnist from Australia who wrote it as a commentary and never sent it to a bank etc.

    Yeah it's slightly tweaked from what I can see but I've seen this one floating around for years. Usually it's an expanded version with the writer listing the charges the bank will have to pay for her time etc.

    Original Poster

    [COLOR=royalblue]Doesn't matter how old or where it came from, it made me chuckle and wish I had the b*lls to do it, lol.[/COLOR]

    Artemis

    It's an urban legend, there was no 98yr old woman, the writer is a … It's an urban legend, there was no 98yr old woman, the writer is a columnist from Australia who wrote it as a commentary and never sent it to a bank etc.



    Doesn't surprise me at all.

    The original was not written by an Australian, the original was written by myself. But for some strange reason these revamped versions are way off what I originally wrote.

    Yeah thought I better rid of it even though I blanked em all out, not good reading.

    Original Poster

    [SIZE=2]I feel some heavy handed Admin'ing coming on :whistling: [/SIZE]

    very good,,,,,but a 98 year old still paying a morgtage,iam slightly worried

    Yeh, i remember sending this to my dad about 15 odd years ago. Nonetheless the tweaking over the years means that it still holds that ring of truth:roll:

    Well I liked it and made me chuckle...And thats what matters...:)
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