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    do u have to be in love with your partner for it to work?

    lately i have been questioning my feelings for my other half,i know i love him but i dont think im "in love" with him anymore.......we get on well dont argue much and have 3 children together,i would say i was in love and very happy up until he cheated 2 years ago,since then i dont feel the same,im not sure if its because the honeymoon period is over and this is what love is or whether we should be together at all.i have been t-total for about 2 years but since meeting a new mate in the area we have been going out having fun etc,i have enjoyed the male attention and have felt tempted to cheat but havent so i have decided not to go out anymore as i dont trust myself when drunk especially as i get the thought in my head that he did it!but i know 2 wrongs dont make a right and its probably just lust im feeling!is it the norm to have these feelings and is that what love is?getting along together ec?

    60 Comments

    Banned

    Just get out of it rather than cheating

    Original Poster

    i wouldnt cheat on him but was just tempted

    Banned

    edjaned;3502278

    i wouldnt cheat on him but was just tempted


    to be tempted is bad enough hun...

    Banned

    wow how did you stay with him for so long after he cheated?

    dcx_badass;3502259

    Yes and no, depends on the people.



    Helpful.

    Original Poster

    but i do love him but i dont love him like i used to if that makes sense,im just thinking we have 3 boys together,we get on very well,still affectionate with each other etc.i know that temptation would not become reality as i have not allowed myself to get into that situation again.i just thought maybe love does wear thin after a few years....

    I really don't know, does anybody has the authority to answer something so personal and variable? At least I know nobody has the right answer but you.

    I would give a straight answer what I would do, but I don't have children so it's irrelevant.

    Original Poster

    imranmaz;3502294

    wow how did you stay with him for so long after he cheated?



    i was pregnant when i found out and really ill and had 4 other kids to look after,plus i still loved him and hated him :oops:

    Original Poster

    when i say i am not in love anymore what i mean is the lust has gone,i no longer get butterflies etc,but i do love him and am finding it hard as i have no-one i can ask if these feelings are normal whilst in a long term relationship.so if i have been tempted does that mean i dont love him?

    edjaned;3502327

    but i do love him but i dont love him like i used to if that makes … but i do love him but i dont love him like i used to if that makes sense,im just thinking we have 3 boys together,we get on very well,still affectionate with each other etc.i know that temptation would not become reality as i have not allowed myself to get into that situation again.i just thought maybe love does wear thin after a few years....



    Maybe it might help to explain to him how you are feeling? I think in this situation, only you will know what to do.
    You could get back the old feelings with some trying though.
    Im not saying everyone can but some people can.
    Maybe have some weekends away or go on holiday just the two of you.
    Even doing things you did when you 1st met might resurface them feelings.
    If i was you i would explain to him, He's gotta understand because he cheated on you and hurt you.
    I have been cheated on and it takes a strong person to be able to forgive.
    That is the biggest hurdle though, you can forgive but you will never forget.
    I dont know how you are feeling and wouldnt pretend to either as everyone feels and reacts differently to situations.

    The other thing that might be worth a try before you give up on your marriage is 'a break'
    Maybe you need some time away from him to work out what you want and whats best for you.
    You know what they say, distance makes the heart grow fonder.
    You could try, like him move out and then you 'date' again like you did when you first met.
    You cant miss him if his always there.

    Sorry if what i've said doesnt help but just some ideas.

    Good Luck. xx

    dcx_badass;3502368

    Sorry, I'll make a useful post like yours next time. :whistling:



    Good.

    Let's never fight again, I can't live without you.

    Banned

    edjaned;3502374

    when i say i am not in love anymore what i mean is the lust has gone,i no … when i say i am not in love anymore what i mean is the lust has gone,i no longer get butterflies etc,but i do love him and am finding it hard as i have no-one i can ask if these feelings are normal whilst in a long term relationship.so if i have been tempted does that mean i dont love him?


    u either KNOW u love someone...or you THINK you do



    only 1 of these is actual love

    edjaned;3502374

    when i say i am not in love anymore what i mean is the lust has gone,i no … when i say i am not in love anymore what i mean is the lust has gone,i no longer get butterflies etc,but i do love him and am finding it hard as i have no-one i can ask if these feelings are normal whilst in a long term relationship.so if i have been tempted does that mean i dont love him?



    If you can't imagine living your life without him then I'd say you still loved him.

    Banned

    angelfairee;3502388

    If you can't imagine living your life without him then I'd say you still … If you can't imagine living your life without him then I'd say you still loved him.


    I'd agree with that




    think ur just confused hun x

    Original Poster

    we went to relate at the time which helped a little but we both have families who dont help or we wouldnt trust to help so we struggled with babysitters,i would love for us to spend time together but we dont like leaving the kids.....thanks holly

    edjaned;3502374

    when i say i am not in love anymore what i mean is the lust has gone,i no … when i say i am not in love anymore what i mean is the lust has gone,i no longer get butterflies etc,but i do love him and am finding it hard as i have no-one i can ask if these feelings are normal whilst in a long term relationship.so if i have been tempted does that mean i dont love him?



    No just because you were tempted does not mean you dont love him. Dont think that.
    Do you not have a sister or close friends who know you better and know you both that would be able to advise?
    Its hard for anyone to know what to say because we dont know you well but if its the 'lust' and 'butterflies' that have gone then you can work to get that back.
    You still love him and thats the main thing.

    I really think some of my advice above might help to get them back.

    What about 1 night a week you have a 'special night' which means you go on a date, do silly things or even cook a meal or stay in bed all night. lol.

    Im sure with some work you could get them feelings back but i really think you should tell him so HE can help you get them feelings back as it was him that cheated.

    edjaned;3502407

    we went to relate at the time which helped a little but we both have … we went to relate at the time which helped a little but we both have families who dont help or we wouldnt trust to help so we struggled with babysitters,i would love for us to spend time together but we dont like leaving the kids.....thanks holly



    Ohhh well then that maybe half your problem.
    Because you dont have anyone you trust to look after the kids, then you dont get that real time together to have the butterfly feeling etc.

    Is there absolutely no-one that could help babysit for a few hours.

    How old are your kids btw?

    Original Poster

    ODB_69;3502399

    I'd agree with thatthink ur just confused hun x



    i am very confused.........i just dont get it,i have always been a good faithful partner,made sure he knew i loved him everyday.looked after him,his children and home and worked to support us all.i have always had bad luck with men,the thing is im so paranoid i feel totallt betrayed by it,he made me think i was paranoid and my suspisions were all in my head i became depressed and went onto tablets thinking i was going crazy thinking he was up to things when he wasnt....but he was the whole time.........i dont know ..i shouldnt be talking about this on here but have kept my feelings burried from everyone i know for so long i just wondered if my feelings are normal

    Original Poster

    hollypinder;3502424

    Ohhh well then that maybe half your problem.Because you dont have anyone … Ohhh well then that maybe half your problem.Because you dont have anyone you trust to look after the kids, then you dont get that real time together to have the butterfly feeling etc.Is there absolutely no-one that could help babysit for a few hours.How old are your kids btw?



    13,12,5,3 and 1...no there is no-one really..when i have spoken to him b4 he makes an effort but it doesnt last very long,i smetimes think its ok for him as he is happy with the way it is,he just says he is not a romantic person

    honest is the best policy.

    Tell him exactly what you said in your first post, talk it out and see were it goes from there.

    Sort out your *** life, it may start to go downhill over the years, don't just accept it. As soon as you notice it, address it with your partner and work out why, and what to do to bring back the passion. Maybe one of your prefers more *** than the other. Why not experiment with new ideas in the bedroom. Role play, dressing up, or maybe take your *** life out of the
    bedroom and try new places. The introduction of marital aids into the relationship can also help to spice things up. Whatever you decide, remember communication is vital.

    dcx_badass;3502453

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sbH2ObmBk1Ehttp://www.youtube.com/watch?v=19rC-Fl-KwM



    http://media.bigoo.ws/content/saint_valentine/gif_kiss/gif_kiss_20.gif

    jasonrat;3502460

    Sort out your *** life, it may start to go downhill over the years, don't … Sort out your *** life, it may start to go downhill over the years, don't just accept it. As soon as you notice it, address it with your partner and work out why, and what to do to bring back the passion. Maybe one of your prefers more *** than the other. Why not experiment with new ideas in the bedroom. Role play, dressing up, or maybe take your *** life out of thebedroom and try new places. The introduction of marital aids into the relationship can also help to spice things up. Whatever you decide, remember communication is vital.



    Despite what Channel 4 might have you believe I disagree...

    disagree with what she said her lust has gone

    edjaned;3502457

    13,12,5,3 and 1...no there is no-one really..when i have spoken to him b4 … 13,12,5,3 and 1...no there is no-one really..when i have spoken to him b4 he makes an effort but it doesnt last very long,i smetimes think its ok for him as he is happy with the way it is,he just says he is not a romantic person



    Oh i can understand how hard it must be then. Without having someone to look after them i guess the dating idea is out of the window.
    Some men can be asses when they want to be.
    He needs to realise its him that messed up your feelings, its him that destroyed all trust and its him that caused you to feel like this.
    Typical of men to say them sort of things.

    jasonrat;3502477

    disagree with what she said her lust has gone



    I just don't understand how a partner can let themselves into a loving 'open' relationship without revealing these things prior to commitment.

    jellybaby22;3502492

    serious advice for BG1brah someones stolen ur account...who is this.....:?



    people who treat me with respect and grace, I do the same in return :-D

    jasonrat;3502488

    ]this is what it should be about



    My life isn't a musical, I've been conned!

    Original Poster

    jasonrat;3502460

    Sort out your *** life, it may start to go downhill over the years, don't … Sort out your *** life, it may start to go downhill over the years, don't just accept it. As soon as you notice it, address it with your partner and work out why, and what to do to bring back the passion. Maybe one of your prefers more *** than the other. Why not experiment with new ideas in the bedroom. Role play, dressing up, or maybe take your *** life out of thebedroom and try new places. The introduction of marital aids into the relationship can also help to spice things up. Whatever you decide, remember communication is vital.



    its hard to do anything like that as i have lost all confidense since him being unfaithful,i have tried to talk to him about it numerous times he just says it was nothing to do with me it was him etc,both our sex drive is around the same.he does make an effort but it wears of gradually after a couple of weeks

    As often is the case in these situations, all I am hearing is "me - him, me - him". Anybody spare a thought for what the kids think, or how they might be devastated by something like this? They aren't interested in whether you love each other; just whether you love them.

    You might try doing what I did: get your backsides in gear and sort your two self centred selves out for their sakes. I never regretted it.

    Original Poster

    MBeeching;3502496

    I just don't understand how a partner can let themselves into a loving … I just don't understand how a partner can let themselves into a loving 'open' relationship without revealing these things prior to commitment.



    what things? :?

    black gerbil1;3502459

    honest is the best policy.Tell him exactly what you said in your first … honest is the best policy.Tell him exactly what you said in your first post, talk it out and see were it goes from there.



    Did i just read that right!?!? :?



    Cant the elder ones look after the little uns for an hour!? a trip to the park or something just a bit of us time!
    Try to rekindle what you had it isnt going to fix itself like others have said tell him how you feel else trust me you will end up walking!! hes mearly a man he cant read your mind!! just try little things if you cant find a way around stuff bribe all the kids to bed early and have a nice supper

    i know what im trying to say but my brain is going to sleep! im sure you can work it out, atleast try else you will spend the rest of your life thinkin what if!!

    Biffo the Bear;3502521

    As often is the case in these situations, all I am hearing is "me - him, … As often is the case in these situations, all I am hearing is "me - him, me - him". Anybody spare a thought for what the kids think, or how they might be devastated by something like this? They aren't interested in whether you love each other; just whether you love them.You might try doing what I did: get your backsides in gear and sort your two self centred selves out for their sakes. I never regretted it.



    Are you being serious?? Thats rude.

    I understand that kids have to be thought about but kids (in the long run) would be happier with their parents split up and happy then them together when they shouldnt be.

    I think she thought about her kids a lot when she forgave him for cheating on her in the first place but her feelings do matter.

    She is asking for advice not criticism.

    Original Poster

    Biffo the Bear;3502521

    As often is the case in these situations, all I am hearing is "me - him, … As often is the case in these situations, all I am hearing is "me - him, me - him". Anybody spare a thought for what the kids think, or how they might be devastated by something like this? They aren't interested in whether you love each other; just whether you love them.You might try doing what I did: get your backsides in gear and sort your two self centred selves out for their sakes. I never regretted it.



    why do u think i stayed with him?it certainly did me no favours...i have made an effort everyday for the past 7 years,i never argue in front of my kids and they all know we both love them.........my children always come first they are not affected by this at all

    And also i am sure the 13 and 12 year olds would care about their mum and dads feelings.

    Im sure all her kids know she loves them, they dont need to be together or apart for the kids to know that.

    When i was 12 and 13 i would of cared more about how my parents were really feeling rather than myself.
    Dont under-estimate children!!

    edjaned;3502535

    why do u think i stayed with him?it certainly did me no favours...i have … why do u think i stayed with him?it certainly did me no favours...i have made an effort everyday for the past 7 years,i never argue in front of my kids and they all know we both love them.........my children always come first they are not affected by this at all



    Just ignore them, i really dont understand why when people are genuinely upset and ask for advise, stupid people criticise them.
    You are best to ignore them, they dont know anything about your life, relationship or children.

    Original Poster

    foxymissroxy;3502528

    Did i just read that right!?!? :? Cant the elder ones look after the … Did i just read that right!?!? :? Cant the elder ones look after the little uns for an hour!? a trip to the park or something just a bit of us time! Try to rekindle what you had it isnt going to fix itself like others have said tell him how you feel else trust me you will end up walking!! hes mearly a man he cant read your mind!! just try little things if you cant find a way around stuff bribe all the kids to bed early and have a nice supper i know what im trying to say but my brain is going to sleep! im sure you can work it out, atleast try else you will spend the rest of your life thinkin what if!!


    wouldnt trust the elder ones with the little ones...i have told him how i feel but like i say he makes an effort for a few weeks then the effort fades away...i just try to focus on the good things in our relationship like the fact that we get on like best mates and can spend all day together without tiring of each others company

    edjaned;3502523

    what things? :?



    Jasonrat's 'channel 4 guide to relationship' advice.
    i.e. Oh no! Relationship = fail. Relationship solved in the bedroom due to partner's need for 'X'.

    Original Poster

    MBeeching;3502553

    Jasonrat's 'channel 4 guide to relationship' advice.i.e. Oh no! … Jasonrat's 'channel 4 guide to relationship' advice.i.e. Oh no! Relationship = fail. Relationship solved in the bedroom due to partner's need for 'X'.



    oh right...sorry just me being thick :oops:
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