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    Elderly Father to be discharged from hospital but mother not able to look after him anymore, what are the options?

    My elderly dad has been in hospital for a week and will soon by well enough to be discharged but he’s now much too much for my mother to look after.

    Trying to get in touch with social worker who handles his case but she’s not around.

    Wondering what the options are here!

    If he goes into a home are there different types such as council owned and private?

    Another option is home help I presume but not sure if my mother could cope with that as she’s already stressed beyond and needs relief herself.

    26 Comments

    Have you asked if there's potential for a step down bed. A temporary bed in a home to give your mom some rest bite and potentially organise a long term plan for your family.

    I don't know if this is something within your area but if your mom can't cope the nursing staff should help with options, good luck

    ask social services to put together a care plan for his needs like having carers attending the house to help with his needs or ask them for respite to a local care home. usually depending on councils there is a top up cost for respite. when my dad goes in for respite we pay £108 per week and council pays the other £400 but for private respite your looking at £700 per week.

    Ask your local branch of Age UK to help.

    Depending on his financial situation he may have to pay for the carers himself. These days it's nearly all private companies and its very difficult to get funding depending on the local council. My mum is spending £2000 a month on carers as she has savings of more than £23,000. Very difficult to find good carers too. It's only going to get tougher I'm afraid.

    Ask for home care as it's a free service from your local council. Also ask for occupational therapy to come in as they assess your dad's mobility and can get stand aids, sliding sheets, hoists ect if they are required. If you can get a hold of your social worker the assessments and home care are given to your parents quicker. Hope this helps.

    Also, if your parents have any savings or own their own home I'd suggest to move the money around to you or your siblings accounts as long as it doesent affect your tax ect. Also getting your parents to put the house in the children's names via a lawyer, it's sad but we had to do this with my Grandfather, the government encourage you to own your own home to have something to leave your children but they petition the courts to sell the house from under the poor people's feet to pay for their care. It's quite sad really.

    Sorry for so many answers, I keep forgetting to put bits in. The reason I have recommended home care as the problem may be that your mum will get really lonely by herself. Home care is a great service, they can take most of the weight of caring for someone off the family members while still keeping the person at home. They can wash, dress, feed as well as take them to the toilet or provide incontinence care if needed. It might be the best option for both of your parents as they are both together in the family home. This is obiously depending on your dad's condition and how far advanced it is. For example if your father has dementia and has become quite aggressive or violent to your mum, home care might not be the best option. There are many factors to consider but if the concern is your mum simply isn't fit enough to care for your dad but the both of them wouldn't be happy separated home care is your ideal answer to the situation as a care home is a very big change for them and could really upset them both

    Hi, as someone else has said your Dad should have an Occupational Therapy assessment before he goes home. They would look at any aids or adaptations that might be useful plus they should also take into account the carers needs. If your area has step down beds this would also be an opportunity for further assessments to be made including rehabilitation, this is usually for six weeks and is funded by the NHS. It could be that at the end of all this the recommendation is that he cannot return home. If it's for nursing care it is funded by NHS, if it is social care there could be a cost element. If you are still having problems catching the social worker ask to speak to her manager. Good luck

    Worth a look online to see if there's a Carers Centre near you; they can advise and be very supportive.

    carersuk.org/

    Carers are heroes...

    This may seem odd but my first suggestion is ask your dad (if possible) what he wants, then work from that.

    Original Poster

    Thanks for all the replies and I will be on the case tomorrow with a better focus.
    My dad is senile so since his downturn this last week she realises that the combination of both his mental and physical deterioration are too much for her.
    On top of that she has psychological issues which mean that she probably isn't mentally strong enough to cope with having carers come to the house.
    He is being moved to a different hospital early next week for a period of assessment so that will allows us time to evaluate the options in depth.

    Agharta

    Thanks for all the replies and I will be on the case tomorrow with a … Thanks for all the replies and I will be on the case tomorrow with a better focus. My dad is senile so since his downturn this last week she realises that the combination of both his mental and physical deterioration are too much for her. On top of that she has psychological issues which mean that she probably isn't mentally strong enough to cope with having carers come to the house. He is being moved to a different hospital early next week for a period of assessment so that will allows us time to evaluate the options in depth.


    Are there any opinions as a last resort if you can take some time off work?

    Agharta

    Thanks for all the replies and I will be on the case tomorrow with a … Thanks for all the replies and I will be on the case tomorrow with a better focus. My dad is senile so since his downturn this last week she realises that the combination of both his mental and physical deterioration are too much for her. On top of that she has psychological issues which mean that she probably isn't mentally strong enough to cope with having carers come to the house. He is being moved to a different hospital early next week for a period of assessment so that will allows us time to evaluate the options in depth.[/quote[quote=Agharta]Thanks for all the replies and I will be on the case tomorrow with a better focus. My dad is senile so since his downturn this last week she realises that the combination of both his mental and physical deterioration are too much for her. On top of that she has psychological issues which mean that she probably isn't mentally strong enough to cope with having carers come to the house. He is being moved to a different hospital early next week for a period of assessment so that will allows us time to evaluate the options in depth.



    That's great you have time to put a plan together. Just remember to ask your mother and father what they would like throughout the process of putting together a care plan. I understand your mother is under immence stress but she won't thank you for taking the decision out of her hands. While your putting a care plan into place for your dad I would maybe inquire to see if your mum would benefit from a little bit of help also, if she doesent want it fair enough but it might benefit her. I hope it all works out and you get the best care package for your parents.

    Emmzrocks

    Also, if your parents have any savings or own their own home I'd suggest … Also, if your parents have any savings or own their own home I'd suggest to move the money around to you or your siblings accounts as long as it doesent affect your tax ect. Also getting your parents to put the house in the children's names via a lawyer, it's sad but we had to do this with my Grandfather, the government encourage you to own your own home to have something to leave your children but they petition the courts to sell the house from under the poor people's feet to pay for their care. It's quite sad really.



    This is all fine in theory and up to a couple of years ago I would have done this myself, but unfortunately nowadays you are likely to find yourself under investigation for deliberate deprivation of assets. If the council get wind of your dealings they can treat the person in need of care as still having the beneficial right of any asset they have disposed of. My friend has just had dealings with the LPA people in such a case.
    The timeline was 1. Friend takes out an LPA on his parents.
    2. A few months later father gives £20000 to son
    3. Not long after father starts to lose his marbles and needs carers to come in.
    4. LPA gets wind of gift and decides son has influenced father, and opens an investigation where son has to account for all of father's spending since the start of the LPA.
    5. It is recommended that son returns money to father's account - which he does- then son is cleared of any wrongdoing.
    6. Father is reassessed for care costs as he now has an extra £20000 in his account.

    I suppose the worst that could happen in most cases is that you could be ordered to repay any money transferred over to you. Their is one other thing to consider which could potentially have happened to me if we had stripped the parents of most of their assets before they showed any signs of losing it. I would have had more assets when I got divorced, thereby giving my *&$%* of a wife even more of the pot. I wouldn't have fancied trying to get that back off her if a court decided my parents had deliberately deprived themselves of assets.

    With regard to Agharta's problem, I don't wish to put a downer on things, but my dad suffered a stroke fairly recently and we were told that he would be going into a home if he survived. He didn't make it and one of my duties was to go to a couple of care homes to inform people he knew in there of his death. I was feeling pretty low at the time, but within 30 seconds of entering the first care home I was silently saying thank god you died dad. For a proud man like my father he would have hated to have ended up in such a place. I don't know what degree of senility your father is at, but, if it is fairly mild, I would suggest you visit a couple of homes on the pretence of you needing a place for your father, just so you know what you are letting yourselves in for if you finally go down that route

    this country, meaning government funding, for the elderly is shameful. people who lived through wars, and worked to build the country back up again, this is not how they should be living the last years of their life.

    Original Poster

    If social services say that my father is well enough to be looked after at home using carers without any assistance from my mother, even if she wasn’t living there and my mother says she doesn’t want him home because she can’t cope with him being in the house can she block that?
    I assume he has legal access to his own home if social services are happy to release him and he can extend that access to carers?
    In that situation, it seems to make more sense for my mother to move to alternative accommodation which is also a possibility and may even be more practical financially.
    I have no idea how much carers cost but less than a care home I presume!

    Just putting this up to show that sometimes it does work out OK.
    My parents-in-law have almost the same situation as yourself, except it is the wife who is now disabled after a failed operation.
    We had a meeting with the consultant and social services together who agreed that he was not capable to care for her.
    A care package was formed giving 3/day visits and because it was seen as a continuation of her hospital treatment, the NHS would fund it. Up to that point, selling their house was on the cards to fund care.
    I was surprised how helpful and sympathetic the agencies involved were.

    Have you thought about moving them into extra care sheltered housing where your mum and dad would move into a flat with 24 hour help then your mum would not have to worry. Ask your hospital social worker or local authority if they have schemes in your area.

    Extra care housing appeals to people who
    need the reassurance of knowing that
    support and help with personal care and
    meals is available now or in the future but
    also want the security and privacy of their
    own home with their own front door. It is
    particularly useful for couples who have
    different needs. Extra care housing can
    sometimes offer a good alternative to a
    care home.

    Agharta

    If social services say that my father is well enough to be looked after … If social services say that my father is well enough to be looked after at home using carers without any assistance from my mother, even if she wasn’t living there and my mother says she doesn’t want him home because she can’t cope with him being in the house can she block that?I assume he has legal access to his own home if social services are happy to release him and he can extend that access to carers?In that situation, it seems to make more sense for my mother to move to alternative accommodation which is also a possibility and may even be more practical financially.I have no idea how much carers cost but less than a care home I presume!



    ​you need to get legal advice really and my local authority pays about £16ph to the care companies for carers to visit people. it's hit and miss with the care companies as some are good and some are terrible.ive had to sack 3 companies due to useless staff and other problems.

    Original Poster

    Thanks all and what a minefield.
    My sister and I dropped the ball here as we could have researched some of these things prior but at least we are here now.

    bogglebrain

    This is all fine in theory and up to a couple of years ago I would have … This is all fine in theory and up to a couple of years ago I would have done this myself, but unfortunately nowadays you are likely to find yourself under investigation for deliberate deprivation of assets. If the council get wind of your dealings they can treat the person in need of care as still having the beneficial right of any asset they have disposed of. My friend has just had dealings with the LPA people in such a case. The timeline was 1. Friend takes out an LPA on his parents. 2. A few months later father gives £20000 to son 3. Not long after father starts to lose his marbles and needs carers to come in. 4. LPA gets wind of gift and decides son has influenced father, and opens an investigation where son has to account for all of father's spending since the start of the LPA. 5. It is recommended that son returns money to father's account - which he does- then son is cleared of any wrongdoing. 6. Father is reassessed for care costs as he now has an extra £20000 in his account.I suppose the worst that could happen in most cases is that you could be ordered to repay any money transferred over to you. Their is one other thing to consider which could potentially have happened to me if we had stripped the parents of most of their assets before they showed any signs of losing it. I would have had more assets when I got divorced, thereby giving my *&$%* of a wife even more of the pot. I wouldn't have fancied trying to get that back off her if a court decided my parents had deliberately deprived themselves of assets.With regard to Agharta's problem, I don't wish to put a downer on things, but my dad suffered a stroke fairly recently and we were told that he would be going into a home if he survived. He didn't make it and one of my duties was to go to a couple of care homes to inform people he knew in there of his death. I was feeling pretty low at the time, but within 30 seconds of entering the first care home I was silently saying thank god you died dad. For a proud man like my father he would have hated to have ended up in such a place. I don't know what degree of senility your father is at, but, if it is fairly mild, I would suggest you visit a couple of homes on the pretence of you needing a place for your father, just so you know what you are letting yourselves in for if you finally go down that route



    You missed a couple of tricks, use betfair to transfer by backing / laying opposite bets costs roughly 5% but great way of moving cash around avoiding tax.

    Alternative is bitcoins, Im still not sure about them long term but it's pretty untraceable and good for moving money when you want (or need) to avoid official channels.

    jaydeeuk1

    You missed a couple of tricks, use betfair to transfer by backing / … You missed a couple of tricks, use betfair to transfer by backing / laying opposite bets costs roughly 5% but great way of moving cash around avoiding tax. Alternative is bitcoins, Im still not sure about them long term but it's pretty untraceable and good for moving money when you want (or need) to avoid official channels.



    I can just see it now. 200 Betfair accounts registered at The Old Crinklies Care Home. They all lay Bellew because he has no chance against Haye. Come the end of the night they are all richer and the kids are broke . I did something similar with a bit of cash in my dad's account. I placed bets on sure fire losers so that the balance was zero and laid it off elsewhere. By the end of the next day the account which I wanted to empty had more in than when I started.

    bogglebrain

    I can just see it now. 200 Betfair accounts registered at The Old … I can just see it now. 200 Betfair accounts registered at The Old Crinklies Care Home. They all lay Bellew because he has no chance against Haye. Come the end of the night they are all richer and the kids are broke . I did something similar with a bit of cash in my dad's account. I placed bets on sure fire losers so that the balance was zero and laid it off elsewhere. By the end of the next day the account which I wanted to empty had more in than when I started.



    Haha. I used to do a lot of matched betting some 9 or 10 years ago, I couldn't believe some of the completely unlikely events that won! No wonder so many bookies go bust.

    Agharta

    Thanks all and what a minefield. My sister and I dropped the ball here as … Thanks all and what a minefield. My sister and I dropped the ball here as we could have researched some of these things prior but at least we are here now.



    The reality is you wouldn't have done anything earlier. It's not a nice thing to envisage the demise of your parents. We only really started to discuss all the problems we might face on what turned out to be my father's death bed. It sounds incredibly callous, but my father would have hated to have given over a single penny more than necessary to the government. I'm the same and, if I leave anything I'll try to get it to my kids well before I need care. The only thing you can do now is try to figure out what is best for all of you. There are so many variables to consider, not least of which is whether you and your sister are willing/able to pull your weight equally if your father remains at home. My friend does nearly all the checking on his father who is still at home but rapidly losing it. He also has to visit his mother in a home, whereas his sister pops up once in a while to have a moan at the authorities over some perceived lack of care. I see how how it wears him out sometimes.
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