Football jokes..

    British Rail have decided to start sponsoring Birmingham City.
    The company think they are a suitable team because of their regular points failures.

    Q: Why do arsenal fans plant potatoes round the edge of the Emirates Stadium?
    A: So they have Something to lift at the end of the season.

    Q: Why does Paul Jewell keep visiting Argos?
    A: Because that's the only way he can pick up any Premier points!


    Football players are the only people who can dribble and still look neat


    A match between two non-League teams took place last winter in the North of England. It had been raining heavily all week and the ground resembled a swamp.

    However, the referee ruled that play was possible and tossed the coin to determine ends.

    The visiting captain won the toss and, after a moment's thought, said, 'OK - we'll take the shallow end!'

    There was a young player from Tottenham,
    His manners he'd gone and forgotten 'em.
    One day at the doc's
    He took off his socks,
    Because he complained he felt hot in 'em.

    There was a young player from Crewe
    Who seldom found that much to do.
    For an hour or so H
    e ran to and fro
    And after he ran fro and

    There was a young striker from Clyde
    Who hated his eggs boiled or fried.
    When asked to say why,
    'It's just because I
    Am a poacher by trade,' he replied.

    Little Jack Horner once took a corner
    And belted the ball so high.
    With the keeper upset, if went straight in the net.
    So he said, `What a good boy am I'

    A striker from somewhere in Kent
    Took free kicks which dipped and then bent.
    In a match on the telly
    He gave one some welly
    And the keeper the wrong way he sent.

    There was a young player called Kelly
    Who couldn't play 'cos of his belly
    When he ran on the pitch,
    He caused a big ditch,
    So he just watches games on the telly.

    There once was a footballing cat
    Who played in a black bowler hat.
    When he ran down the wing
    He could not see a thing
    And you can guess what the crowd thought of that!

    There was a young striker from Spain
    Who hated to play in the rain.
    One day in a muddle
    He stepped in a puddle
    And got washed away in a drain.

    A team of footballers from Stroud
    Had supporters who shouted too loud.
    When all ceased their din,
    Goals just rocketed in,
    So now they're a much quieter crowd.

    A football pitch groundsman from Leeds
    Went and swallowed a packet of seeds.
    In less than an hour
    His head was in flower
    And his feet were all covered in weeds.

    A player who turned out for Dover
    Had no shirt, so he wore a pullover.
    But the thing was too long
    And he put it on wrong,
    So that all he could do was fall over.

    There was a young striker from Reading
    Who bumped his brow on a door at a wedding.
    It made his head swell
    But he said `Just as well,
    'Cos now I'll improve on my heading.'

    A footballer in from the States
    Was paid at very high rates.
    But when he lost touch
    He wasn't worth much.
    Now he just kicks around with his mates.

    There was a goalkeeper called Walter
    Who played on the island of Malta.
    But his kicks were so long
    And the wind was so strong,
    That the ball ended up in Gibraltar.

    Was it City, United or Town
    Got promoted and then went back down?
    It was one of the three,
    But it mystifies me,
    Which is why I walk round with a frown.

    There was a young player from Clyde
    Took a penalty kick that went wide.
    That next match his brother
    Well, he missed another
    And now neither can get in the side.

    The wonderful Wizard of Oz
    Retired from football because,
    When he tried to run fast
    His legs didn't last
    'Cos he wasn't the wizard he was.

    A footballing lad named Paul
    Could do fabulous things with a ball.
    In one of his tricks,
    With a series of flicks,
    He managed to knock down a brick wall..

    A striker who came from Devizes
    Did little to help to win prizes.
    When asked for a reason,
    He said, `Well, this season
    My boots were of two different sizes.'

    Mary had a little lamb
    Who played in goal a lot.
    It let the ball go though its legs
    So now it's in the pot.

    Humpty Dumpty sat on the wall - so the referee booked him.

    there was a break in at manchester city's trophy cabinet.

    police are looking for a small light blue piece of carpet !
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