Free - 1 day Sky Sports pass, just tell a good joke

    OK I have got a shedload of free Sky Sporets 1 day passes

    tell us all a good joke & I will PM you a free code! worth about £10

    20 jokes required, only 2 max per person

    my decision is final - but I will be very swayed by heat


    where do fish keep there a river bank!

    What do u call a man with a car on his head?...............jack

    huh no1 putting jokes :s



    "Why is it old people say ‘there’s no place like home’, yet when you put them in one…"

    Stuart Mitchell - Fringe Festival 2016

    (dont need the pass)

    Why do the French like to eat snails so much?

    They hate fast food.

    how do you make a tissue dance.........put a little boogey in it

    My wife gave me £100 and told me to go and get her something that would "make her look sexy" should've seen her face when I came home ******.
    Edited by moderator: "Jan 21, 2017 18:13" 21st Jan


    I take it this is a 24hr contest

    How did I escape Iraq......Iran

    'I said to the Gym instructor "Can you teach me to do the splits?'' He said, ''How flexible are you?'' I said, ''I can't make Tuesdays''

    Two Elephants meet a totally naked guy. After a while one elephant says to the other: “I really don’t get how he can feed himself with that thing!”

    my sex change operation from male to female went really well yesterday. it was so successful, I'm still trying to reverse out of the hospital car park.

    whats long and stinks of pee ....the conga in an old folks home.

    What do you call a bra stretched across a room??

    A booby trap.

    Q: Name three football clubs that contain swear words?

    A: Arsenal, Scunthorpe and ******* Man Utd.
    Edited by moderator: "Jan 21, 2017 18:35" 21st Jan

    Q: Why is a bad football team like an old bra?

    A: No cups and little support.

    What is a cheese's favourite theme park?
    Cheeseington world of adventures.

    went the docs with bad wind i told him i cudnt hold it in then i let one go....the doctor came back with a big stick ..i said bloody hell doctor what are you goin do with that...doc said open that window it bloody stinks in here.

    From my 7yo. What's bad tempered and goes with custard? Apple Grumble!

    Congratulations Whitney Houston ..........4 years drug free

    2 nuns in a says to the other
    "where's the soap?" to which the other replies
    "it does a bit doesn't it"


    went the docs with bad wind i told him i cudnt hold it in then i let one … went the docs with bad wind i told him i cudnt hold it in then i let one go....the doctor came back with a big stick ..i said bloody hell doctor what are you goin do with that...doc said open that window it bloody stinks in here.

    I bought a dog from my local blacksmith
    When I got home it made a bolt for the door.....

    2 goldfish in a tank
    one says to the other " do you know how to drive this thing? "

    What do you do if you see a spaceman?
    Park in it man!

    Why did the mafia cross the road?

    Forget about it.

    What's black on top,and white on the bottom?


    What's black on top,and white on the bottom?

    That ain't gonna go down too well...

    what's the stupidest animal in the jungle???
    a polar bear.

    What's red and not there.......?

    ..... no tomatoes

    What have Madonna and toilet paper got in common?

    Both get into the groove

    What goes "black and white", "black and white", "black and white"?

    A nun doing cartwheels.


    what's the stupidest animal in the jungle???a polar bear.


    A man went to Harley Street in London , having seen an advert for a Gynaecologist's Assistant.
    Knowing that nowadays, job advertisers aren't able to discriminate against the applicant's gender, he was very interested, so he went in and asked the secretary for details.
    She retrieved the file and read to him: "This job entails preparing ladies for the Gynaecologist. You will be responsible for helping them out of their underwear, laying them down and carefully washing their private areas, applying shaving foam to the necessary parts and removing all unwanted foliage, and finally, you'll be required to rub in soothing oils, in preparation for the Gynaecologist's examination.”
    Then she told him “The annual salary is £65,000 and if you're interested, you'll have to go to Aberdeen ".
    "My goodness!", exclaimed the man, "Is that where the job is?".
    She answered, "No , that's where the end of the queue is..."

    What do you call a mummy that's crumbling?
    A crummy mummy.

    Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95 year-old grandmother and comfort her. When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, "He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning." Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble. "Oh no, my dear," replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong." She paused to wipe away a tear, and continued, "He'd still be alive if the ice cream truck hadn't come along."

    Edited by: "kensington143" 21st Jan

    What do you call a bee that comes from America ?


    was gonna reply... but the op is on a 24 hour holiday (_;)


    Funnier than any of the jokes posted thus far.
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