Funniest non-offensive joke?

Found 4th Dec 2012
What is the funniest non-offensive joke that you know? I've suddenly realised that most of the jokes I tell are racist, sexist, abusive, vile or disgusting so I'd appreciate some PC suggestions please
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I went to an animal park the other day, but it only had one small dog.

It was a shih tzu
Whats Black and Always in the back of a police car? The seat

"I pity he fool."....."You missed a T."....."Yes I am."

What do you call a singing laptop? A Dell
What's brown and sticky? A stick.

What's blue and smells like red paint? Blue paint.
what do u serve but never eat?

a tennis ball
someone threw a dead sheep through burton's window,police reckon it was a ram raid.

what do u call a woman playin pool with pint on her head-beertricks potter
What kind of pet did Aladin have

a carpet
What's green and eats nuts?
Original Poster

Oh... sorry.
little boy is walking down the road with bottle of acid in his hand,the local vicar sees him and asks "what he is doing with acid" "avin sum fun" says little boy,"you should have some of this holy water" says the vicar "I put some of this on a ladies tummy and she passed a baby" little boy says "I put some of this on a dogs balls and it passed a motorbike".
The inventor of the Harley-Davidson motorcycle, Arthur Davidson, died and went to heaven. At the pearly gates, St Peter told Arthur, "Since you’ve been such a good man and your motorcycles have changed the world, your reward is, you can hang out with anyone you want in Heaven." Arthur thought about this for a minute and then said, "I want to hang out with God." St. Peter took Arthur to the Throne Room and introduced him to God. God recognized Arthur and commented, "Okay, so you were the one who invented the Harley-Davidson motorcycle?" Arthur said, "Yep, that’s me." God said, "Well, what’s the big deal in inventing something that’s pretty unstable, makes noise and pollution and can’t run without a road?" Arthur was apparently embarrassed, but finally he said, "Excuse me, but aren’t you the inventor of woman?" God said, "Yes." "Well," said Arthur, "Professional to professional, you have some major design flaws in your invention:

1) There's too much inconsistency in the front-end protrusions;

2) It chatters constantly at high speeds;

3) Most of the rear ends are too soft and wobble too much;

4) The intake is placed way to close to the exhaust;

5) And the maintenance costs are enormous!”

"Hmmmm, you have some good points there," replied God, "Hold on." God went to his celestial super-computer, typed in some key words and waited for the results. The computer printed out a slip of paper and God read it. "Well, it may be true that my invention is flawed," God said to Arthur, "but according to these statistics, more men are riding my invention than yours."

Too offensive, maybe?
I walked up to the counter in the chemist and just my luck there was a girl serving."Erm... Morning," I said, "I need some erm... God, this is embarrassing..."
"Don't you worry sir," she leaned in and whispered reassuringly, "I get this every day!"I smiled back.
"Condoms?" she said."No," I said.
"Suppositories?" she said."No," I said.
"Well, it can't be that embarrassing then, sir," she said with a smile.
"Paracetamol," I said."Paracetamol?" she gave me a puzzled look. "£1.99 please. What's so embarrassing?"
Then I pulled out my little pink purse.
Original Poster
"I love you loads, honeypie." My wife said earlier.

"And I love you tons." I replied.

"What, no nickname for me?" She asked, disappointed.

Sometimes I swear the fat cow's going deaf.
Why can't rabbits ride bicycles?

Because they haven't got thumbs to ring the bell.

What kind of pet did Aladin havea carpet

I thought it was Jasmines home raised pussy.

2 pets then.
Edited by: "Adnan786" 4th Dec 2012
Whats invisible and smells of worms?

Bird farts.
Edited by: "jonny619447" 4th Dec 2012
What do you call Postman Pat when he retires?

Knock Knock
Who's There?
Jesus Who?
How many do you know!?
Original Poster

Mitt Romney spent $800m on not becoming president of the USA.

I spent 65p and got the same result, except I have a Mars Bar.
There's 2 reasons I don't drink out of the toilet.
Number 1 & number 2
Original Poster

I'm so excited.

Only three more Chelsea managers till Christmas!
Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both be changed regularly, and for the same reason.
Less jokes more word of wisdom:
Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?

It's not the fall that kills you; it's the sudden stop at the end.

Women may not hit harder, but they hit lower.

I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not sure.
What's brown and knocks on ya windows?

Poo on stilts
Good news for imsoniacs, only 2 sleeps till christmas
Man City
What do you call a vicar on a motorbike?

Why did the baker have smelly hands?
Because he kneaded a poo!
Q: Why did the monkey fall out of the tree?

A: Because it was dead.
What do you call a man who used to like farming machinery but doesn't any more?

An ex-tractor fan.
Xmas theme: why does Santa have such a big sack? Cos he only comes once a year.
Two things I've been cursed with are amnesia, and a weak bladder..

Still, this apple juice should take my mind off things.
What do you call a monkey with a bomb?

A baboom!
What do you call a black person flying a plane?

A pilot, you racist!
How do you get a one armed Irishman out of a tree?


Knock KnockWho's There? Jesus Jesus Who? How many do you know!?

Knock Knock
Who's There?
Doctor Who?
Two farmers, Jim and Bob, are sitting at the bar, drinking beer. Jim turns to Bob and says, "You know, I'm tired of going through life without an education. Tomorrow, I think I'll go to the college and sign up for some classes." The next day Jim goes down to the college and meets the clerk of Admissions, who signs him up for the four basic classes: Maths, English, History, and Logic. "Logic?" Jim says. "What's that?" The clerk says, "I'll give you an example. Do you own a lawmmower?" "Yeah." "Then "Then logically speaking, because you own a lawnmower, I presume you have a garden." "That's true, I do have a garden." "I'm not done," the clerk says. "Because you have a garden, I think that logically speaking, you have a house." "Yes, I do have a house." "And because you have a house, I think that you might logically logically have a family." "Yes, I have a family." "So, because you have a family, then logically you must have a wife. And because you have a wife, then logic tells me you must be a heterosexual." "I am a heterosexual. That's amazing! You were able to find out all of that just because I have a lawnmower." Excited to take the class, Jim shakes the clerks hand and leaves to go meet Bob at the bar. He tells Bob about his classes, and how he is signed up for Maths, English, History, and Logic. "Logic?" Bob says,"What's that?" "I'll give you an example," says Jim. "Do you have a lawnmower?" "No." "Then you're gay."
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