Funny/dirty'ish Christmas poems needed :)

    Hey folks,

    We have bought a massive card for my Gran for her Xmas, she likes a bit of humour at this time lol
    Is there anywhere I can get some really good Christmas poems that are either funny or dirty (sort of) somtehing to really get her chuckling.

    My uncle says every year he gets her the biggest card.....not this year Uncle lol

    thanks all


    Old Santa said Donner, lets go

    But Dasher and Dancer said No!

    That Blitzen is stupid

    Hes fallen for Cupid

    And wont let her out in the snow!

    --Anon Limerick

    This is going to be a good thread :santa:

    just poems or jokes too???

    Original Poster

    Jokes as well, poems not to be too long, we have decided on one already which goes like this:

    Twas the night before Christmas when Santa got ready
    He'd drink his first shot to make his hands steady

    He'd load up his sleigh with toys and good cheer,
    not forgetting his ice chest with a 12 pack of beer

    He was a jolly old elf and worked with a grin,
    but remembered the brats then gulped his slo-gin

    In a drunken stupor down the chimney he'd fall,
    then when he was done... to his reindeer he'd call...

    "Hey Bud, hey Miller, hey Coors" he'd shout,
    "Throw me a rope so I can get out!"

    He flew all night long not a house was excluded
    leaving toys and a note "Batteries NOT included"

    He looked in his sack and said "I'm just about done",
    but then he was sleigh-jacked by a kid with a gun

    So now Christmas is over and Santa is sober...

    But you could hear his exclaim as he walked out of sight
    "Hand me a Heineken and give me a light!"

    Original Poster

    Throughout this special time of year
    I think so much of you.
    To be so very far away
    Makes me sad... and blue.

    Just think of all the years gone past,
    Remember all the joy and cheer.
    Then put fifty bucks in my Christmas card
    and don't bug me again 'til next year!

    twas the night before xmas
    and all through the house
    everyone felt ****** even the mouse

    mum at the *****house
    and dad smoking grass
    i'd just settled down
    for a nice piece of ass

    when out on the lawn
    i heard such a clatter
    i sprung from my piece
    to see what was the matter

    there on my lawn
    i saw a big dick
    i knew in a moment
    it must be saint nick

    he came down the chimney
    like a bat out of hell
    i knew in a moment
    the ****er had fell

    he filled all our stockings
    with pretzels and beer
    and a big rubber dick
    for my brother the queer

    he rose up the chimney
    with a thunderous fart
    the son of a bitch
    blew the chimney apart

    he swore and he cursed
    as he rode out of sight
    **** on you all
    and have a hell of a night

    Question: What do snowmen eat for breakfast?
    Answer: Snowflakes.

    Question: What's red and white and gives presents to good little fish on Christmas?
    Answer: Sandy Claws.

    Question: What do you get when you cross an archer with a gift-wrapper?
    Answer: Ribbon hood.

    Question: Why does Santa have 3 gardens?
    Answer: So he can ho-ho-ho.

    Question: What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire?
    Answer: Frostbite.

    Question: Why was Santa's little helper depressed?
    Answer: Because he had low elf esteem.

    Question: What do you call people who are afraid of Santa Claus?
    Answer: Claustrophobic.

    Knock Knock
    Who's there ?
    Wenceslas who ?
    Wenceslas train home ?

    Knock Knock
    Who's there ?
    Snow who ?
    Snow business like show business !

    Knock Knock
    Who's there ?
    Wayne who ?
    Wayne in a manger... !

    Knock Knock
    Who's there ?
    Donut who ?
    Donut open till Christmas !

    Knock Knock
    Who's there ?
    Oakham who ?
    Oakham all ye faithfull... !

    What did Adam say on the day before Christmas ?
    It's Christmas, Eve !

    How do you make an idiot laugh on boxing day ?
    Tell him a joke on Christmas Eve !

    What do you have in December that you don't have in any other month ?
    The letter "D" !

    Christmas may be cancelled

    Christmas may be cancelled
    The reindeer are on strike
    Santa's stuck in Lapland
    Forget your brand new bike

    Christmas isn't cancelled
    Royal Mail saves the day
    Postmen playing Santa
    Expect that bike mid-May

    Tickled Pink

    I sit atop your Christmas tree,
    All clad in pink, a real fairy.
    The reason I appear to smirk?
    The sprig of spruce stuck up my skirt !


    Christmas may be cancelledChristmas may be cancelledThe reindeer are on … Christmas may be cancelledChristmas may be cancelledThe reindeer are on strikeSanta's stuck in LaplandForget your brand new bikeChristmas isn't cancelledRoyal Mail saves the dayPostmen playing SantaExpect that bike mid-May

    we already put that one in the card, i seen the next one..... i like it too


    Tickled Pink I sit atop your Christmas tree,All clad in pink, a real … Tickled Pink I sit atop your Christmas tree,All clad in pink, a real fairy.The reason I appear to smirk?The sprig of spruce stuck up my skirt !

    might be too long....but here's one:

    Policeman on his horse says to little girl on her bike "Did Santa get u that?" ....."Yes" replies the little girl. "Well tell Santa to put a reflector light on it next year" and he fined her £5. The little girl looked up at the policeman and said "Nice horse you've got there - did Santa bring u that?"....The policeman chuckles and replies "He sure did!"..."Well" said the little girl "next year tell Santa the f*ckin dick goes under the horse and not on it!!!!

    He laid her on the table, so white and clean and bare. His forehead wet with beads of sweat, he rubbed her here and there. He touched her neck then felt her breast, then drooling felt her thigh. The slit was wet and all was set, he gave a joyous cry. The hole was wide....he looke insided - all was dark and murky. He rubbed his hands and stretched his arms .....and then he stuffed the turkey! (May i be the first to wish your dirty little mind a MERRY CHRISTMAS)!!!! LOL
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