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    Has my GF just proposed to me?

    So me and my long term GF (two kids) have always agreed that we didn't feel it necessary to get married. We are both athiests and neither of our families are religious so there's no pressure to get married. She has always been dead against it and I'm not really arsed. We're committed to each other, love each other, have two beautiful children, have future plans, etc.

    Tonight she's emailed me to basically say "I think I do want to get married as I don't like it that our kids have your name but I don't. But I don't just want to change it by deed poll. So if you want to ask at some point in the next decade, you can."

    Hmm. Now, she's asking me to propose to her. It isn't meant to be like that is it!? Surely that is basically the same as her just proposing to me?

    While we're on the topic ... any PROs to being married compared to long-term stable non-married relationship?

    28 Comments

    Banned

    she wants a little bit of tradition

    meaning, you do it, and make a small amount of fuss, such as a nice dinner to do it at
    pro's? um tax status?

    The name thing would bother me, i truely understand this point.

    I have to agree, i'd hate it if I had kids and I didn't share a last name with them.

    who sed the age of romance is dead

    Yes - surprise her one day but leave it a bit as she'll be expecting you to do it sometime soon. Wouldn't worry too much though - I was with my OH for 9 years (have 2 kids) before we even got there in the end. Long engagement - but that was down to me as didn't think we needed to get married to show commitment. Everyone's different. Go for it if you feel the same as she does!

    Original Poster

    Don't get me wrong. I love her enough to marry her :-p However, it's kind of against my principles - I truly don't think marraige is necessary - what does it genuinely ADD to a relationship?

    I think in my case the answer is it will make her happy ... which is enough for me. So I will do the traditional thing ... in time ;-)

    run:w00t:

    TUSSFC;8208327

    Don't get me wrong. I love her enough to marry her :-p However, it's kind … Don't get me wrong. I love her enough to marry her :-p However, it's kind of against my principles - I truly don't think marraige is necessary - what does it genuinely ADD to a relationship?I think in my case the answer is it will make her happy ... which is enough for me. So I will do the traditional thing ... in time ;-)



    Do you think you would have felt differently if the children had taken on her last name?

    Banned

    the day you get married before you are ready is the day your relationship is over......

    Original Poster

    Moofin;8208342

    Do you think you would have felt differently if the children had taken … Do you think you would have felt differently if the children had taken on her last name?



    I would share her feelings about wanting to have the same name ... but I wouldn't have felt differently about marriage. I guess deed poll would be enough for me.

    I think the name thing is just a coverup ... she just wants to marry me ;-)

    TUSSFC;8208327

    Don't get me wrong. I love her enough to marry her :-p However, it's kind … Don't get me wrong. I love her enough to marry her :-p However, it's kind of against my principles - I truly don't think marraige is necessary - what does it genuinely ADD to a relationship?I think in my case the answer is it will make her happy ... which is enough for me. So I will do the traditional thing ... in time ;-)



    u r thinking like a man, have u notice the, - oo do ,it is not commin from us blokes

    basic m8t u r captured she has made up her mind so start booking things soon or u r dead

    Banned

    of course, once you are married, there's no more sex....

    jubbyme;8208387

    of course, once you are married, there's no more sex....



    :giggle:

    Original Poster

    jubbyme;8208387

    of course, once you are married, there's no more sex....



    :cry:

    what is sex?

    "So if you want to ask at some point in the next decade, you can"

    no need to worry m8, youve got 10 years to figure out how to get the hell out of there :lol:

    i'm pretty sure there are some tax benefits aswell...

    Original Poster

    micoo;8208471

    "So if you want to ask at some point in the next decade, you can"no need … "So if you want to ask at some point in the next decade, you can"no need to worry m8, youve got 10 years to figure out how to get the hell out of there :lol:



    OR ... if I work a technicality ... the NEXT decade would 2020-2030 wouldn't it??

    TUSSFC;8208477

    OR ... if I work a technicality ... the NEXT decade would 2020-2030 … OR ... if I work a technicality ... the NEXT decade would 2020-2030 wouldn't it??



    lol!:thumbsup:
    good luck either way mate

    Banned

    miles136;8208460

    what is sex?



    its the thing married men dont get
    (not so sure about the women though)

    If one of you dies and you aren't married the other doesn't automatically inherit.
    Apart from that there's not much difference.

    no .

    Original Poster

    I have debts ... would these still be my individual debts? (ie, she doesn't become jointly liable for them - all unsecured debts). If I die would she inherit my debts?

    I don't think there's any tax benefits for us getting married (unless the tories get in) ... no savings, no property owned.

    Banned

    buy her something sparkly like a handbag or something... she'll soon forget

    Once you have children there is a continual pressure on you to conform and get married or face awkwardness and problems with every bit of authority you deal with from doctors, to school to other people forcing their morality down your or your children's throats.

    To deal with it you both have to be very clear that you are happy with your choice and work out a clear strategy for dealing with the different situations, including everyone asking each of you about "your husband" or "your wife".

    We are over the worst of it, and actually find that we unusual now, not because we are not married, but because we are still together as in our experience being married is absolutely no indicator of a stable long term relationship.

    Original Poster

    Plum;8208925

    Once you have children there is a continual pressure on you to conform … Once you have children there is a continual pressure on you to conform and get married or face awkwardness and problems with every bit of authority you deal with from doctors, to school to other people forcing their morality down your or your children's throats.To deal with it you both have to be very clear that you are happy with your choice and work out a clear strategy for dealing with the different situations, including everyone asking each of you about "your husband" or "your wife".We are over the worst of it, and actually find that we unusual now, not because we are not married, but because we are still together as in our experience being married is absolutely no indicator of a stable long term relationship.




    This.

    My GF has a 7 year old from a previous relationship. When we went to register the birth of our first child ... the registrar had the cheek to say "But they've got different names. How will you associate them?". Stupid woman ... made me so angry. It's a name, that's all!! They're still brothers and will still grow up with a brother relationship. At the end of the day they have different Dads and it's therefore right that they have different surnames.

    This leads me on top a further complication. If we get married and she takes my name, it means the two of us and our two children will all have my surname. But her eldest will still have his Dads surname. We don't think it would be an issue as he has a fantastic relationship with his Dad and we all get on well. But we can't be sure if a 7 year old will understand that it is just a name and doesn't matter.

    TUSSFC;8208943

    This.My GF has a 7 year old from a previous relationship. When we went to … This.My GF has a 7 year old from a previous relationship. When we went to register the birth of our first child ... the registrar had the cheek to say "But they've got different names. How will you associate them?". Stupid woman ... made me so angry. It's a name, that's all!! They're still brothers and will still grow up with a brother relationship. At the end of the day they have different Dads and it's therefore right that they have different surnames.This leads me on top a further complication. If we get married and she takes my name, it means the two of us and our two children will all have my surname. But her eldest will still have his Dads surname. We don't think it would be an issue as he has a fantastic relationship with his Dad and we all get on well. But we can't be sure if a 7 year old will understand that it is just a name and doesn't matter.



    But it obviously does matter otherwise yr gf wouldn't have mentioned it, surely for this reason alone she should just keep her own surname, that way eldest son is not alienated. Up until you mentioned this I would have said I can see her point and why, but now I think it is everso slightly selfish and can see no point in it whatsoever. Sorry if that sounds harsh, its not meant to, just that I cannot understand why a mother would want to do something that could possibly lead to upsetting one of her children. Anyway good luck with whatever you both decide to do.

    just because your engaged doesnt mean you have to get instantly married. its another sign of commitment before officially getting married thats all.

    as she's mentioned it id leave it a while yet before proposing if you decide to do it.
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