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    HELP - I'M HEARTBROKEN

    My daughter and son-in-law have seperated, they have 3 children aged 9, 7, and 10 months.
    I am bringing the 2 eldest to stay for the weekend, they live 50 miles away, the problem is that I don't know how to comfort them as their lives are going to change a lot when they move up here to live, with my daughter.
    I don't dislike my son-in-law, I feel sorry for both him and my daughter.
    Does anyone know what I could do or say to ease them all through this?

    40 Comments

    awww, sorry to hear that,keep life as normal as possible i say, be as honest as you can and keep them occupied

    Oh dont know what to say Sophie, but hugs to you and your family.

    All you can do is be there, and support the children as much as possible as well, things will get easier for them all in time, just gonna take time and reassurance from those who love them around them.

    sorry, im **** at offering advise in situations like this, i never know what to say

    Theres not much that can be said when something like that happens, all you can do is be there for them all and support them.

    what a shame for you all - i'm sure the children will be fine (we underestimate their resilience)
    hope things settle down soon

    hugs for you all just be as honest as you can with them xxx

    That's sad - sorry I'm not very good with words but I hope all works out ok in the end x

    my kids were 1,3,7 when i seperated from their dad and it can be tough at times, but i agree kids are tougher than we give them credit for, feel free to ask anything you feel might help

    My kids have been through it when me and the hubbie divorced. Just be as honest as you can be with them and give them as many cuddles etc as you can. Try and keep them occupied so they dont have too much time to dwell on whats happened and keep their mind on happier things

    Banned

    awww how terribly sad, like already has been said there isnt anyhting you can say, just allow them to be who they are and be open and honest to their questions, best of luck to you and your family xx

    hugs to u and ur family..... thats tragic... are they separating for some time or full out divrocing?

    Original Poster

    Thanks everyone, they had the last child to help mend the marriage, but it didn't work. I will take your advice and be honest with the children. xxx

    Make sure that they know it is not their fault ... and that their Mum & Dad will always love them ... even though they don't love each other any more. Good luck - you always seem so sensible on here so I think you will be a rock for them - and a great constant in an uncertain time.

    sorry to hear that sophie***

    my friend whos 4 year old has just passed away was worried sick how her other children would be,but they have been fine she has just been honest with them

    love to you all x

    my mum and dad separated when i was 3 and my sisters 4 and 6 - not once did any of my family (from either side) say anything badabout the other but one thing they did make sure we all knew was that my mum and my dad both loved us but just didn't love each other - things happen and lives change but so long as they know they are loved by all their family they will be just fine

    Banned

    children deal with honesty far better than adults too, i know they are at a vunerable age as too old to not see anything and to yet young to fully understand, just being there for them is the best thing you can do

    Sometimes its harder watching the kids go through stuff than it is to actually be in the situation, if you keep every thing "normal" and stay honest and open they will be fine, my friend divorced a year ago and the thing she regrets is that she lied to the kids in order to protect them from the situation,but its ended up much harder now, the truth always surfaces and kids feel betrayed if they are sheltered from it, much better to be honest and support them through it. Hope you are all ok. Good luck!

    I'm a stepmother and I think that sometimes its better for them to have seperate parents than two that can't get on. Our kids have double treats and double fun as they always have someone fussing over them.

    Awww I'm sorry to hear that, it must be awful with such young children. I agree though, its much better than to be around two parents who don't get on. Tell them the truth I guess, but make sure everything stays the same with you and others. Hope it all works out.

    Very sad...my thoughts go out to you. I would agree that NOT talking horribly (slagging off) either parent is much better for the children, hey would get confused and there is no need for it. Honesty will pay off too x x x

    Laffy42;2149502

    Make sure that they know it is not their fault ... and that their Mum & … Make sure that they know it is not their fault ... and that their Mum & Dad will always love them ... even though they don't love each other any more. Good luck - you always seem so sensible on here so I think you will be a rock for them - and a great constant in an uncertain time.


    Sorry to hear sophie. I totally agree, they need to know it's not their fault & that everyone loves them & give them lots of love & attention. Hugs to you, your daughter & the kids

    Banned

    Dad left me and my brother 9 and 8 wasn't assured he loved us but our granddad and grandma on my Mum's side were brillant and showed us loads of love, I see my granddad as my dad now, they pulled me through to be as my English teacher put it "a well rounded young man". Unfortunately my brother didn't pull through and has gone off the rails.

    lumoruk;2149756

    Unfortunately my brother didn't pull through and has gone off the rails.



    very comforting mate :thumbsup:!



    Seriously Sophie, just tell them exactly what has happened and that it has nothing to do with their behaviour, it wasn't caused by them etc etc - children are tough old cookies and see the world in lovely black and white - they don't have years of mistrust built into them when they are born, so they will understand given time, love and honesty!

    Original Poster

    lumoruk;2149756

    Dad left me and my brother 9 and 8 wasn't assured he loved us but our … Dad left me and my brother 9 and 8 wasn't assured he loved us but our granddad and grandma on my Mum's side were brillant and showed us loads of love, I see my granddad as my dad now, they pulled me through to be as my English teacher put it "a well rounded young man". Unfortunately my brother didn't pull through and has gone off the rails.



    I would hope my son-in-law will stay in the childrens lives and I will do everything I can to make it easy for him.
    I am so sorry that this happened to you and your brother, I hope he comes to his senses soon, and turns his life around. it's never too late to change. x

    Banned

    I am new here, but genuinely sorry to hear that.

    There has been some fantasic advice given and all I can say is I wish all of your family the best and with a lot a love and communciation the children will get through it x

    Am thinking of you xx

    Banned

    what was the cause for the split?

    any chance of marriage councelling?

    Kisses, cuddles and an open ear should be enough!

    Good luck, I don't envy you this one, but you are more than up for handling it!

    Be positive, the worst you can do is leave them to it, the best is undetermined yet!

    Sorry to hear your bad news, like everyone says, be totally honest with the kids, as often they over hear things and get confused with whats going on, then they think it must be really bad, and people are keeping secrets from them.

    Keep them occupied, and i hope their father keeps in regular contact with them, as that will make a big difference. I split up with my husband 2 years ago, and the kids coped better then i thought they would.

    Is it just a separation for now? You never know some space may change things for the better

    Banned

    wendyak;2149601

    I'm a stepmother and I think that sometimes its better for them to have … I'm a stepmother and I think that sometimes its better for them to have seperate parents than two that can't get on. Our kids have double treats and double fun as they always have someone fussing over them.



    Good luck with the stepmother thing, I tried it and didn't succeed.

    Too difficult taking on somebody else's kid's and dealing with their ex all the time.

    Banned

    sophie***;2149478

    Thanks everyone, they had the last child to help mend the marriage, but … Thanks everyone, they had the last child to help mend the marriage, but it didn't work. I will take your advice and be honest with the children. xxx



    Why people have children to mend a broken relationship is beyond me.

    I don't understand how children can bring people together, all I can see is more stress.

    Maybe I don't fully understand being childless, anyway good luck Sophie, all the HUKDer's are here for you x x

    sassie;2149417

    awww how terribly sad, like already has been said there isnt anyhting you … awww how terribly sad, like already has been said there isnt anyhting you can say, just allow them to be who they are and be open and honest to their questions, best of luck to you and your family xx



    i agree with sassie.

    big hugs hun sorry that they are going to be dealing with this. let them know they are loved by all.

    jen xx

    I read this when you posted sophie but didnt get a chance to reply at the time.. Anyway, i just wanted to say that ive been thinking of you all ( i often see you mentioning your granchildren in your posts) and wondering how they/you are bearing up? Karri..xx

    Original Poster

    I collected the kids on friday and they were so quiet and depressed, i was so worried about them. On saturday they started to come around to their usual selves, which was quite a relief.
    I have talked to them both and they seem to be accepting the situation but the granddaughter misses her daddy a lot.
    Kept them busy for the 3 days, baking buns and colecting eggs and dispensing a lot of hugs and kisses.
    Took them home on monday night, they didn't want to go home, which upset me a lot, but it is less than 4 weeks to the summer holidays and they usually spend them with us.
    I wish they wanted to go home because we are not their parents and I believe it is bad for them to want to be with us all the time and not their parent/s.
    But I also want them to have as good a childhood as possible, so we are stuck in an awful position at the moment and I don't want to be butting in and taking over.

    It is hard being a granny but very rewarding.

    Aww... sophie I must have missed this thread somewhere along the way, so sorry to hear of the sad situation for your family.

    They are lucky to have such a lovely grandparent as you, telling the truth and answering truthfully any questions seems to be the best policy judging by the other posts on here.

    A big hug goes out to you and your family :friends:

    Sophie, kids are pretty resilient, they bounce back from all sorts of stuff, they have lots of distractions ( telly, i-pods, X boxes, 'tinternet etc ) to take their mind off, and just give them a bit of time, keep to routine as much as poss', make sure they know mommy and daddy still love them ( as well as you ). They will get used to the change......and in due course they'll have 2 Christmasses/birthdays/bonfire nights etc to look forward to.....kids like that sort of stuff :-D

    You mustn't forget yourself in all this, you are going to have to adjust too, don't just blunder on through, if you feel you need time to get your head round things, then the kids going back home is the right thing to do, it's a bit harsh maybe, but they have gotta face up to the change too.

    Keep listening to them and trust them to find their own way through, expect the odd tantrum or sad moment from them and make allowances :-D

    The other thing I always did with mine is make sure they keep in touch with and see all sides of the family, just 'cos the parents have split shouldn't mean the kids family circle should be carved up :thumbsup:

    Good luck and come on here and share stuff if you need to

    Original Poster

    Just found out that my 31 year old, father of 3, son-in-law has been cheating on my daughter with a teenager, I am completely devastated and depressed.
    He never did anything with the kids before and I guess he will do even less with them now.
    What a stupid idiot, how could he throw all this away?
    I just can't understand him, the children are lovely and my daughter is a decent girl, how could he?

    oh no :-(

    sometimes people do stuff because it seems a good idea, without realising the knock on effect it will have, the best thing you can do is be there for your daughter, cos she will no doubt be feeling like cack atm :-(

    sophie***;2189173

    Just found out that my 31 year old, father of 3, son-in-law has been … Just found out that my 31 year old, father of 3, son-in-law has been cheating on my daughter with a teenager, I am completely devastated and depressed.He never did anything with the kids before and I guess he will do even less with them now.What a stupid idiot, how could he throw all this away?I just can't understand him, the children are lovely and my daughter is a decent girl, how could he?



    Thats horrible and wrong
    No ones knows why anyone does anything like that, Atleats your daughter found out before things got out of hand.
    Sorry for what happened
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