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    Help!!! My 1 Year Old Son Doesn't Get On With His Grandma

    Everytime she comes round she plays with him, and talks to him, does everything grandma's are supposed to, but he just won't let her pick him up.
    If she attempts to pick him up he gets really upset (not temper) its real tears, and won't calm down at all till me or his mum picks him up again.
    Surely he's too young to decide whether he doesnt like someone, and he does smile at her/play with her, as long as he's on my knee.
    I feel so bad for my mum because she takes him out (with grandad who has to do everything) all the time, sometimes with his cousins too, buys him presents, but gets nothing but coldness in return.
    Is there anything anyone can suggest as we've tried everything we can think.

    Thanks guys...

    33 Comments

    give im time..dont force it...kids change but if u force something on them they will dig their heels in. my kids did it ...just phases!

    Original Poster

    We thought a year was giving it time!!!

    Its really getting us all down, thats all

    why dont u get them to talk thru their problems?

    Perhaps she should back off a little until he's calmer around her. He may just be in the habit of crying now. hopefully this would help break the circle. I'm not saying she shouldn't be near him. but be near but perhaps not so involved with him. I hope you manage to solve this. it must be very distressing for you.

    How often does nan see him?

    yeah had the same issue with our daughter (15 months) its difficult and can be heart breaking but kids are kids and will find their way, we had a day out with the grandparents on a steam train and this seemed to help alot

    seems like baby is associating negativity with granny. not ur fault but there is tension cos u r upset cos ur mum is upset. but really if u backed off and let baby just play around her after a while ud fin baby is comofrtable around granny. then he will be willing to take small steps in showing his affection.

    just need to break cycle and remove negativity...... bring back the comfort and security. good luck

    Has he always been like this?
    Did something happen to change their relationship?
    Did she perhaps nearly drop him or anything?
    Is he okay with everyone else picking him up?

    magicbeans;3830595

    seems like baby is associating negativity with granny. not ur fault but … seems like baby is associating negativity with granny. not ur fault but there is tension cos u r upset cos ur mum is upset. but really if u backed off and let baby just play around her after a while ud fin baby is comofrtable around granny. then he will be willing to take small steps in showing his affection.just need to break cycle and remove negativity...... bring back the comfort and security. good luck



    thats exactly what i was trying to say - only I didn't phrase it half as well as you MB lol

    Original Poster

    He has always been like this for as long as he's been able to recognise her.
    There have been no negative 'incidents' ie dropping of hurting, as im sure my mum would have told me, but as i said it been going on for a long time.
    Grandma sees him about once a week, i dont think we push him onto her or anything, its just natural she wants to hold him every now and then.
    I really hope things will sort themselves out, but was just hoping someone may have some tips!
    My brother's and sister's kids have no problem with her either, its just a shame because i dont want to see either him or my mum upset.

    does grandma have a beard?

    lol it happens to alot of babys it will grow upon time.

    bellabonkers;3830656

    thats exactly what i was trying to say - only I didn't phrase it half as … thats exactly what i was trying to say - only I didn't phrase it half as well as you MB lol



    haha....ur post was helpful with the words i was looking for!!

    If they are very young it is more likely to be a direct primal association - smell , look, texture etc. For guys it can be beards, for females it can be smell (deodorant, soap, hairspray, washing up liquid etc). Textures if they have a mild unknown allegy to cloth can make them miserable.

    They don't deal with quality of 'goodness' just whether it is good or bad experience and they can't communicate why. If the nanna is good with all the others then its something outside the norm here and its something 'simple' (but only if you can discover it...). In the mean time if they are feeling rejected or missing out get them to write messages every week/day to say how much this and that so the child knows the love is there.

    At some time they will enjoy all the love coming their way. Good luck and anjoy every change and development as they do every day!

    Ewok;3830718

    If they are very young it is more likely to be a direct primal … If they are very young it is more likely to be a direct primal association - smell , look, texture etc. For guys it can be beards, for females it can be smell (deodorant, soap, hairspray, washing up liquid etc). Textures if they have a mild unknown allegy to cloth can make them miserable. They don't deal with quality of 'goodness' just whether it is good or bad experience and they can't communicate why. If the nanna is good with all the others then its something outside the norm here and its something 'simple' (but only if you can discover it...). In the mean time if they are feeling rejected or missing out get them to write messages every week/day to say how much this and that so the child knows the love is there. At some time they will enjoy all the love coming their way. Good luck and anjoy every change and development as they do every day!



    well said :thumbsup:

    Original Poster

    Thanks for all your helpful messages, however he's a bit too young to read/listen to messages from her.
    Though i suppose i could read them to him anyway.
    Im sure he will grow out of it eventually, just hoping sooner rather than later, and its going to be difficult with Christmas coming up too.

    Does Granny smoke?

    My kids used to shy away a little when my mum went for a cuddle (they were older), and we just put it does to shyness etc.
    However, she stopped smoking and shortly after my son (the eldest, but still only about 4 or 5) said "Granny doesn't smell anymore" !
    Out of the mouth of babes.. etc
    She was the only one in the family that did smoke.

    Could be something as simple as this.

    At the moment all you can do is keep letting your mum know it's nothing she's done/doing, that your son does love him and hope it will change.. soon.
    Is she 'allowed' to cuddle him whilst he's sat on your knee? If so, just continue with that, without her trying to lift him herself.

    Get her to babysit in her house for a fortnight. Should get on by then and you can go on holibobs!!

    My daughter (now 5) has never liked her grandma (DHs Mum) and I think she can pick up on the fact I cant stand Dh mum either. She doesnt like her hugging her/touching her ect and I just tell her that its ok to not want somebody to hug you ect. With your babies age thats a little hard to do so I would just tell her to back off for a while and Im sure your baby will go to her when and if he wants to.

    Does she wear glasses? They frightened my kids when they were small.

    i have four children ... well they are grown up now but ...

    all of mine went through this stage ... its distressing for the granny , grandad or who ever but nothing to do with them in person
    its just a phase they go through when they want and need to feel safe and secure nothing more ... they do grow out of it ... eventually

    just what ever you do never force them to go to someone they dont want to ... they are testing there abilty to totaly trust mum and dad to keep them safe and if you force the issue they will become even more insecure and cling to you more ... if they know they can be with mum or dad when they need to they will feel safe and start to venture away more easilly

    just my opinion and experience of course

    Ewok;3830718

    If they are very young it is more likely to be a direct primal … If they are very young it is more likely to be a direct primal association - smell , look, texture etc. For guys it can be beards, for females it can be smell (deodorant, soap, hairspray, washing up liquid etc). Textures if they have a mild unknown allegy to cloth can make them miserable. They don't deal with quality of 'goodness' just whether it is good or bad experience and they can't communicate why. If the nanna is good with all the others then its something outside the norm here and its something 'simple' (but only if you can discover it...). In the mean time if they are feeling rejected or missing out get them to write messages every week/day to say how much this and that so the child knows the love is there. At some time they will enjoy all the love coming their way. Good luck and anjoy every change and development as they do every day!



    "Mild unknown allergy", utter tosh. Yes kids can pick up on smells etc but these are not allergies.

    Am sure Nana would love to sit and write messages every week, ideal to make the situation 10 times worse :whistling:

    Most toddlers have a dislike to be handled at some stage. Nana needs to understand this and chill out, not easy but she should not take it personally

    Try a little reverse psychology . Grandma could purposely show less direct attention to the child but be more openly affectionate to you as parents . Let the child come to grandma when they are ready and curious . Hope this helps .

    Original Poster

    Just to confirm, grandma neither smokes nor wears glasses!

    It might sound bad, but im just glad other people have been through this situation too, it gives me more hope that he will accept her soon.

    ££ JASE ££;3831445

    Just to confirm, grandma neither smokes nor wears glasses!It might sound … Just to confirm, grandma neither smokes nor wears glasses!It might sound bad, but im just glad other people have been through this situation too, it gives me more hope that he will accept her soon.



    he will :thumbsup: just let him take it at his own pace

    the nanas need to just keep smiling and pretending there is nothing wrong .. also ... babies and toddlers can get distressed at this stage by direct eye contact ... its better for the nanas to not look them directly in the eye until they grow out of it

    only mum and dad get that privalige lol

    imo

    My son is 7 months and cried every time his auntie looked at him, never mind when she tried picking him up, anyone listening would think she was trying to murder him. I spent a full day with just the 2 of them and he's a bit better now, he'll actually tolerate her and give the odd scared smile. But unfortunately there isn't much you can do but wait for him to outgrow it. Have you tried leaving them alone for a couple of hours to see if that will make any difference. If there's no one else there, it may make all the difference.

    Dont know if you read my post but my 5 year old still doesnt like her grandma and certainly wont allow her to hug or kiss her. I doubt she will grow out of it now, but imho its nothing to stress about!

    My 2 also didn't get on with their grandma in their first year or so.

    With my DS I believe he thought she was uncomfortable (she wore a broach which scratched him) - and he must have associated her with that.

    She is the type of person who jumps right in and fusses immediately. I used to sit next to her holding the LO's and we'd sing together and play games.

    Certainly when we started going out on trips that really helped them bond. Also the fact that she buys them chocolate and sweets everytime we see her really helps now, and they can't wait to go and see grandma. Tut tut tut - sometimes I have to turn a blind eye.

    Their other grandma stands back and lets them approach her. I must admit they bonded faster with her. However, she doesn't buy sweets every visit and isnt' as popular - shame!

    Has she got bad breath?

    Could you not find something the kid likes and associate that with granny?

    Eveytime she picks him up give him this nice thing so he comes to think of it as a good thing.

    Original Poster

    Ungreat;3833131

    Could you not find something the kid likes and associate that with … Could you not find something the kid likes and associate that with granny?Eveytime she picks him up give him this nice thing so he comes to think of it as a good thing.



    Nice idea, will try that one. Thanks :thumbsup:

    You said that she takes him out, so maybe he assosiates her with being away from you, try going out together so that he associates granny taking him out as a good thing and doesnt have the worry of being away from you.

    After a few trips get granny to ask him if he wants to go and get some sweets (or something like that) and give him the option, if he says no then just say ok and act like it really doesnt bother you either way. Do this until he says yes

    It worked with my brother when he was a baby

    Try bribery..
    A little treat, sweet, or biscuit from Granny every time she visits. Then on the hour.
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