How do you 'politely' rid yourself of nuisance children?

Found 2nd May 2013

I'm sorry if I sound like a wining old misery but; to me; this is a serious question. You'll only waste your own time putting the "Have a heart" and "Misery guts" type of replies but; if you feel the need; knock youself out. No, LITERALLY knock yourself out! Been there and have the T-shirt, as they say. Anyway, it's a fact: I don't like small children. I make no apologies or excuses for it. It's not their fault - I just don't know how to react/behave/interact/talk etc. to them. It's almost like a weird phobia to me. Sad, yes but I can't change the way I feel about this. Children and their CONSTANT barrage of inane questioning like:

"What are you doing?" - "What's this?" - "What's that?" - "Can I do this?" - "Can I do that?" - etc, etc, etc.

It drives me nuts. I'm not nasty, rude or grumpy towards them. I'm not a "Mr Burns" type character at all. I just prefer to avoid them as much as possible and until recently, I've been quite lucky in that endeavour.

So, my neighbours kids (5yr & 7yr old) from a few doors down are ALWAYS riding bicycles, scooters, trikes (and anything else they can lay their mits on with wheels!) up and down the path outside my house. The noise is very distracting but apart from that, they've never bothered me. The other day, the older one of the two crashed off his bike right outside my gate and bawled his eyes out. Naturally I went out (after a minute or so. Hehe!) to see if he was ok. I got him up, dusted him off and his mum came round the path. He scooted off and away they went. Now, since then the younger one of the two is like a damn leech. I can't get rid of him. Then, when the older one turns up they both go to town. They are playing on my lawn, opening my doors and the little one just wants to get in my house all the ruddy time now. I have to keep the door locked even when I'm in. His latest trick is rattling my letterbox and shouting through it. I went round to my car earlier and while I was in my boot, I looked up and he's INSIDE my car looking at me!!!

I can't bring myself to be mean and shout at them or anything but I feel I need to nip this in the bud, so to speak. I figured by posting on here there may be someone who can offer me a genuinely sensible piece of advice. Is this just a passing phase perhaps? Am I just the latest "new toy" and they'll get bored? Ignoring them doesn't seem to work. They just run around touching anything that isn't fixed down, bating me for attention. I had contemplated paying the parent(s) a visit but I don't know how you would broach the subject really. Never had to before now.

So, have you been in a similar situation? Maybe you're a parent and could offer a different side to this? I do get the feeling that these parents are the type that just send the kids outside to be rid of them for as long as they can. I know children can be unruly handfuls at times so a break is probably heaven but at the same time I don't think I should be a 'surrogate' babysitter or entertainment system for them. I worry that one of them will have an 'accident' whilst tripping about my property and I'll end up being liable. And of course, with today's "high profile" alert status I certainly don't want anyone saying/thinking "That guy who lives on his own keeps having small children visit him." This is why I don't want them in my home but you can't watch them all the time. Turn your back, and there they are. You may think it's funny but; I assure you; it isn't. It's a real concern to me.

Thanks to anyone who can offer me any kind of advice as I am genuinely stumped as to what I should do. Ha. Funnily enough, as I am writing this the little'un is outside shouting at me through the window! Beggar-off! Grrrr! Shake fist. Hehe.

Best regards to all, Phsy.
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One of these days when your old , grey, no friends and miserable, (next Week)
they will help you out somehow and you will still be ungrateful.

I have heard of programs in Switzerland that may help;; Erm euthanasia..................oO
I am a parent and love children but can understand your feelings and your concerns as to what is happening. From a parents point of view I wouldn't want my children hanging around someone I don't know and doesn't have there own children so the suggestion of a word with the parents probably wouldn't be any use as they don't seem to be particularly bothered. I suggest that telling the children without being or sounding nasty that you don't want them climbing in your car or your house. It isn't good manners for one so they should be told and it unfortunately has landed at your door. I don't suppose this sounds like much help but I would just keep saying to them you are not a new friend to play with you have jobs to do and don't want them in your house. Hopefully telling them a few times might work, if not perhaps a word with the parents.
I sort of understand where you're coming from but I think you need to sort it out kids will be kids and yes they can be annoying at times but I think you need to be a little more flexible in your outlook you can take a firm stand but still be friendly you know I doubt very much the children are targeting you deliberatey it's probably just a novelty thing hope this helps and try not to dwell too much on it
If the parents don't seem that interested then maybe the kids are just looking for someone who will give them attention. If you don't give them what they want they'll get bored (hopefully) and move on.
Hey The School Summer Holidays are not far away !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! X)
If you wait a few years they'll turn into teenagers and you'll be lucky if you get a grunt out of them let alone eye contact
Lock the gate.

Hey The School Summer Holidays are not far away !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! X)

Original Poster
@ Bumpydog:

I know!!! I'm dreading half term. I'd go out all the time but now I'm worried what they'll be doing whilst I'm not there. They've already asked me if they can play in my garden as it's nicer than theirs (they don't have a 'garden' as such) but I did say "No, not unless I'm here." I somehow don't think it sunk in though as they just run through my property and across my lawn and out the other side through my bushes. By the way, I'm not THAT old! Hehe. Just reclusive, that's all. I'll always help others if required but I prefer to keep myself to myself.

@ cacaroca, luckinforadeal & Butterbean:

Thanks for your input guys. Most appreciated. It would seem the 'general' concensus would be to starve them of my attention and maybe something else will attract them away. Problem is, you can't shut yourself away all the time. I'll just have to be more'choosy with the time I spend 'in focus' as it were. Maybe the visits will subside.
Wish places banned children -- horrible, disgusting things
Original Poster
I don't want people thinking I "HATE" children. That's not it at all. I was one once. Probably an irritating one too. I just don't 'like' small children as they make me feel uncomfortable. Everyone has a comfort zone and they put me well and truly out of mine. As I said, it's a bit like a phobia/fear so it's entirely my fault and not theirs. They are just doing what kiddies do.

I truly admire parents who have full and total control of their offspring WITHOUT being abusive or restraining them with fear. It clearly IS a skill but it's one I've never had need to learn.
tell them you work for the BBC
Get a costume like this

TLDR, please summarise.
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