How much do relationships stink when you can have no voice...

Gonna have a moan so bear with me....

Tonight me and the misses have had words that have ended up in all out war....

Heres the story....

My partner is working nights tonight and her ex husband is off, they have a 14 year old son who in my views should stop with his dad if his mam is working nights as we have a 2 year old that is more than enough to be worrying about. Yesterday I found out that the 14 year old has been stopping at his dads when he is working nights, but the dad has not let us know he is working, so he can spend the 2 days a week he has off with his latest woman so obviously I have kicked off and all hell has broke loose and I will be made out to be the bad person in all this.

They had an arrangement to let each other know what shifts they were working but because they are trying to be clever they scrapped that and this is the result because if they had stuck to that they would have both known one was working and one was not and this is the result.

Am I wrong for expecting 2 people to put aside their differences to make sure their child is looked after by one of them whenever possible or should I be made to feel like a skivvy so they can do what they want to do or just grin and bear it?

77 Comments

Banned

sounds like fun

glad my life is relatively simple atm

sounds like you are in the right to me. if they had an agreement then obviously he has done things behind her back. hope it sorts itself out

If you have a partner who has kids I think you have to be prepared to treat them as you would your own, I don't think it would be too fair to ship him from one parent to the other based on their working hours although it would be nice if they could arrange their working hours around him.

but the dad has not let us know he is working, so he can spend the 2 days a week he has off with his latest woman
you mean the 14 year old goes and stays there whilst his dad is working and so the dad has 2 nights off to himself?
maybe im misreading but i think the thing that is more important is that there is noone looking after the 14 year old if this is the case and not boohooing over where hes being offloaded to.

sorry if i have misread it

I dont know what the answer is but I feel a bit sorry for the lad.

well if i was your partner id be upset that you expect the 14yr old to make himself scarce cos mums at work. Why cant he stay at home.?
My partner met me whne i had 4 kids. He treats them no different to his own as i would expect/

Original Poster

StudentJo;5615242

If you have a partner who has kids I think you have to be prepared to … If you have a partner who has kids I think you have to be prepared to treat them as you would your own, I don't think it would be too fair to ship him from one parent to the other based on their working hours although it would be nice if they could arrange their working hours around him.



Its not a case of shipping, Im all for the 14 year old being where he wants to be, but if they give him no choice then why should be expected to just stay quiet about what they decide, surely I have a voice to without it kicking off, but then from what I hear they have both palmed their kid off to their grans since day one and all im trying to do is make them see that he is their child and their responsibility and dont just expect someone else to look after him.

cherishu2;5615254

well if i was your partner id be upset that you expect the 14yr old to … well if i was your partner id be upset that you expect the 14yr old to make himself scarce cos mums at work.



+1

Original Poster

cherishu2;5615254

well if i was your partner id be upset that you expect the 14yr old to … well if i was your partner id be upset that you expect the 14yr old to make himself scarce cos mums at work. Why cant he stay at home.?My partner met me whne i had 4 kids. He treats them no different to his own as i would expect/



Thats not the point, the point is I have no say where the 14 year old is concerned as they always say he is our child so when told that why should I look after him because they are elsewhere, i have no prob with him at all and love him as my own but its a case that we are both caught up in their feud.

Original Poster

LJM;5615249

I dont know what the answer is but I feel a bit sorry for the lad.



I fully agree and I see how it must hurt him but it seems as im the only one that does.

Bit lost the OP isn't very clear.

If you and your partner have a child together and she also has a child from a previous relationship, why aren't you treating the two children equally kindly?

Saying that the elder child must go to his fathers if his Mum isn't present will cause major stresses within the family, due to jealousies and inequality.

How sad for this poor child... how unwanted he must feel.

If taking care of this child makes you feel "like a skivvy" then you are expressing a very real sense of resentment that your partner had this previous relationship and child at all. This isn't going to be a healthy atmosphere for any child to be within.

I think their son should have a regular arrangement so that he knows (and so does everyone else) where he is meant to be when. I also think that this should not be based on shift patterns. Unfortunately for you this would probably sometimes mean that you would be looking after him when his Mum was at work, but surely you knew of his existence when you decided to be with her? He must be feeling very unwanted......

rbquk;5615311

Thats not the point, the point is I have no say where the 14 year old is … Thats not the point, the point is I have no say where the 14 year old is concerned as they always say he is our child so when told that why should I look after him because they are elsewhere, i have no prob with him at all and love him as my own but its a case that we are both caught up in their feud.



Just a thought and obviously you know them better than I do (!) but maybe if you turned around and said, okay i'm going to be the responsible adult if you two can't be and am going to look after him if the arrangements between you aren't working' then either it will kick their butts into gear or they'll say, okay, and at least you know where he is and he feels wanted xx

torapoole;5615351

Just a thought and obviously you know them better than I do (!) but maybe … Just a thought and obviously you know them better than I do (!) but maybe if you turned around and said, okay i'm going to be the responsible adult if you two can't be and am going to look after him if the arrangements between you aren't working' then either it will kick their butts into gear or they'll say, okay, and at least you know where he is and he feels wanted xx



Excellent advice!

cherishu2;5615254

well if i was your partner id be upset that you expect the 14yr old to … well if i was your partner id be upset that you expect the 14yr old to make himself scarce cos mums at work. Why cant he stay at home.?My partner met me whne i had 4 kids. He treats them no different to his own as i would expect/


+1

Original Poster

ClarityofMind;5615333

Bit lost the OP isn't very clear.If you and your partner have a child … Bit lost the OP isn't very clear.If you and your partner have a child together and she also has a child from a previous relationship, why aren't you treating the two children equally kindly?Saying that the elder child must go to his fathers if his Mum isn't present will cause major stresses within the family, due to jealousies and inequality. How sad for this poor child... how unwanted he must feel. If taking care of this child makes you feel "like a skivvy" then you are expressing a very real sense of resentment that your partner had this previous relationship and child at all. This isn't going to be a healthy atmosphere for any child to be within.



The whole skivvy point is this has gone on for 4 years and I only kicked up a stink over xmas when his dad said he was having him and his mam was working but the dad decided he wanted to go out on the drink on xmas eve and new years eve. I dont see the 14 year old or the previous relationship as a resentment at all and I know how much the 14 year old must be hurting but if a parent is there to look after their child then surely they should do that.

Just wanted to say that at 14 kids have completely free choice over where to spend their time and when, my friend recently divorced and her ex tried to get a custody arrangement set up, but was unable to do it because it was argued that at 14 she was allowed to choose when to see each of her parents.
There were no guidelines set at all, so now she flits between the two, playing one off against the other,

you have taken on the responsibility of this child because you have taken on the responsibility of a relationship with the mother - perhaps you need to discuss with the mother that you don't want this responsibility and see where you go from there

Original Poster

Susannah;5615341

I think their son should have a regular arrangement so that he knows (and … I think their son should have a regular arrangement so that he knows (and so does everyone else) where he is meant to be when. I also think that this should not be based on shift patterns. Unfortunately for you this would probably sometimes mean that you would be looking after him when his Mum was at work, but surely you knew of his existence when you decided to be with her? He must be feeling very unwanted......



I have no probs looking after him but after 4 years of being made to feel like because im there I will just do it gets a little annoying and it was me that told them both to let each other know what they were working and they were both told it is upto the 14 year old where he wanted to be, not them.

rbquk;5615292

Its not a case of shipping, Im all for the 14 year old being where he … Its not a case of shipping, Im all for the 14 year old being where he wants to be, but if they give him no choice then why should be expected to just stay quiet about what they decide, surely I have a voice to without it kicking off, but then from what I hear they have both palmed their kid off to their grans since day one and all im trying to do is make them see that he is their child and their responsibility and dont just expect someone else to look after him.



I think you just need to find out where he wants to be and support him. You aren't going to change parents who palm their kids off on other people but you can rise above it and be the parent he should have had and be the person to actually put him first... doesn't make you a skivvy, makes you a proper parent.

your totally in the right mate, they need to put their differences aside and make sure that they both get a good amount of time with their child, if they cant do that then one of them is going to suffer (in most cases like this its the father that suffers) so yeah, you dont need to feel skivvy mate, just realise that your right, shes wrong, just tell her to put their differences aside, and put your footdown about it and make her realise that you DO have a voice and you want her to know that hope this helps mate :thumbsup:

rbquk;5615426

The whole skivvy point is this has gone on for 4 years and I only kicked … The whole skivvy point is this has gone on for 4 years and I only kicked up a stink over xmas when his dad said he was having him and his mam was working but the dad decided he wanted to go out on the drink on xmas eve and new years eve. I dont see the 14 year old or the previous relationship as a resentment at all and I know how much the 14 year old must be hurting but if a parent is there to look after their child then surely they should do that.



I dont think I'm really understanding your OP...

who makes it so that the child must always go to his Dads house if his Mum isn't at home?

Did the Mum and Dad decide this? It's obviously unworkable unless the Dad lives like, next door or something.

How about trying to build on a relationship with the older child, build up a parent/child relationship with him and show him you are happy and comfortable for him to spend time at home with you. You're his step-dad after all, you have a very important role in his life.

rbquk;5615426

The whole skivvy point is this has gone on for 4 years and I only kicked … The whole skivvy point is this has gone on for 4 years and I only kicked up a stink over xmas when his dad said he was having him and his mam was working but the dad decided he wanted to go out on the drink on xmas eve and new years eve. I dont see the 14 year old or the previous relationship as a resentment at all and I know how much the 14 year old must be hurting but if a parent is there to look after their child then surely they should do that.



But surely the point is that, as his mother's partner, you are an acting parent also? (Obviously not a replacement for his father but nonetheless should be responsible for him and treat him as your own etc)

Original Poster

sn0ttyang3l;5615456

you have taken on the responsibility of this child because you have taken … you have taken on the responsibility of this child because you have taken on the responsibility of a relationship with the mother - perhaps you need to discuss with the mother that you don't want this responsibility and see where you go from there



I have the responsibility and dont mind it at all but children should be with their parents wherever possible and the parents shouldnt put their own plans before the kids.

StudentJo;5615465

I think you just need to find out where he wants to be and support him. … I think you just need to find out where he wants to be and support him. You aren't going to change parents who palm their kids off on other people but you can rise above it and be the parent he should have had and be the person to actually put him first... doesn't make you a skivvy, makes you a proper parent.



+1

rbquk;5615460

I have no probs looking after him but after 4 years of being made to feel … I have no probs looking after him but after 4 years of being made to feel like because im there I will just do it gets a little annoying and it was me that told them both to let each other know what they were working and they were both told it is upto the 14 year old where he wanted to be, not them.



It isn't up to the 14 yr old. He is a minor and it's too much responsibility on him emotionally for him to "decide where he wants to be " as yet. That's what parents are for, to make the important decisions and to set boundaries.

being in a same situation with my daughter...

Whilst i agree with what your saying, i think this..
Ask the 14yr old what he wants to do, when he wants to see his dad and if its when he works then so be it. the worst thing you can do it make him feel like hes not wanted by either of you.

Ask HIM, if he wants to go that night or stay with you... and be ok with whatever option he chooses. IF he goes to his dads to works then its HIS choice.

rbquk;5615488

I have the responsibility and dont mind it at all but children should be … I have the responsibility and dont mind it at all but children should be with their parents wherever possible and the parents shouldnt put their own plans before the kids.



as his step-dad you're his parent too.

I feel really sorry for the fourteen year old having what appears to be a father who does not want him and you, who appears to feel similarily. my goodness your title is apt but for the child , where is his voice in this debacle, you need to come out of your self orientated little session and forget what you, his dad or your partner want and speak to the child and put him first. I dread to think what he must feel with you and his fathers obvious reluctance to prioritise his needs and feelings.

Original Poster

ClarityofMind;5615478

I dont think I'm really understanding your OP...who makes it so that the … I dont think I'm really understanding your OP...who makes it so that the child must always go to his Dads house if his Mum isn't at home?Did the Mum and Dad decide this? It's obviously unworkable unless the Dad lives like, next door or something. How about trying to build on a relationship with the older child, build up a parent/child relationship with him and show him you are happy and comfortable for him to spend time at home with you. You're his step-dad after all, you have a very important role in his life.



The child does not go to his dads everytime the mam is at work, she works anytime within a 24 hour period and I have looked after him 1000+ times, the point is if one of them can look after him them surely they should, if thats where he wants to be and not just be told when he is staying where and thats why I kicked up a fuss tonight as they are allowed to do it but im not.

The dad lives 5 mins up the road and I have an good relationship with the child, all be it a relationship where I wont step on his dads toes.

Basically dad says you can stop such and such a night and he will agree to not upset dad, he is never told when he is stopping there by use unless we have to be up with our little one to go upto newcastle for hospital appointments.

ClarityofMind;5615520

as his step-dad you're his parent too.



spot on, you have to be so careful to not treat them different. what happens to our kids now play havoc with them as adults. He will never forget if hes made to feel unwanted.

Let him decide, it will be his choice.

I can understand what the OP is saying, although its not coming over easily..
basically, the bilogical parents made an agreement that his access to see the son, falls when the mother works.... thats fine.. The OP is saying, the father isnt home, he two is in work, so the boy is left alone.
Yes this is wrong, and awful for a father to do and i do see where the OP is coming from...although the best way forward is to make sure the boy feels wanted by you.

Say, hey, if your happy to be over there when hes at work, thats fine but you dont have to, you can stay home with me buddy ....

rbquk;5615592

The child does not go to his dads everytime the mam is at work, she works … The child does not go to his dads everytime the mam is at work, she works anytime within a 24 hour period and I have looked after him 1000+ times, the point is if one of them can look after him them surely they should, if thats where he wants to be and not just be told when he is staying where and thats why I kicked up a fuss tonight as they are allowed to do it but im not.The dad lives 5 mins up the road and I have an good relationship with the child, all be it a relationship where I wont step on his dads toes.Basically dad says you can stop such and such a night and he will agree to not upset dad, he is never told when he is stopping there by use unless we have to be up with our little one to go upto newcastle for hospital appointments.



The trouble is, this kid is obviously not priority to either of his parents and although I completely agree that they should arrange it for him to spend as much time with both parents, if they don't and you kick up a fuss about him ending up with you all the time he will see this as a rejection.

It must be very unsettling moving from one place to another all the time, now he is a teenager he might just want to be based at one house and visit the other parent as and when he wants to.

Original Poster

ClarityofMind;5615520

as his step-dad you're his parent too.



Im not his parent as like i have said previously, they say he is their child and i have no say so to speak because everything to do with him goes through them regardless of weather im looking after him or not.

Banned

sounds like the two parents need their heads banging together, the child should come first but most of the time they dont. You may be the other step parent but as for laws go the father has the right to do what he likes and if that means mucking the child and your ex about then so be it, the law is an ass when it comes to this sort of thing, i hope you can work something out, as one day it maybe you being the parent without care and your childs mother not sorting out proper arrangements

pcnutta;5615658

I can understand what the OP is saying, although its not coming over … I can understand what the OP is saying, although its not coming over easily..basically, the bilogical parents made an agreement that his access to see the son, falls when the mother works.... thats fine.. The OP is saying, the father isnt home, he two is in work, so the boy is left alone.Yes this is wrong, and awful for a father to do and i do see where the OP is coming from...although the best way forward is to make sure the boy feels wanted by you.Say, hey, if your happy to be over there when hes at work, thats fine but you dont have to, you can stay home with me buddy ....



Agree!

rbquk;5615670

Im not his parent as like i have said previously, they say he is their … Im not his parent as like i have said previously, they say he is their child and i have no say so to speak because everything to do with him goes through them regardless of weather im looking after him or not.



You can't change that but you can change your actions and help the son put his point across whatever that may be and let him know that he is supported by you and not in your way.

rbquk;5615592

The child does not go to his dads everytime the mam is at work, she works … The child does not go to his dads everytime the mam is at work, she works anytime within a 24 hour period and I have looked after him 1000+ times, the point is if one of them can look after him them surely they should, if thats where he wants to be and not just be told when he is staying where and thats why I kicked up a fuss tonight as they are allowed to do it but im not.The dad lives 5 mins up the road and I have an good relationship with the child, all be it a relationship where I wont step on his dads toes.Basically dad says you can stop such and such a night and he will agree to not upset dad, he is never told when he is stopping there by use unless we have to be up with our little one to go upto newcastle for hospital appointments.



I still don't think I'm following you completely, your sentences seem to get all mixed up, possibly as you're upset with this evenings events.

Sounds to me as if you have a clash of parenting styles here though. My hubby and I ( we've had 5 and our eldest is 20, our youngest is 3 ) wouldn't be allowing a 14 yr old to tell us where he wanted to be. Certainly listen to his wishes and respect them but he needs to have better set boundaries which he can function within. At the moment he has three parents and none of you knew that he was staying at his dads house alone, that's neglectful. The child will use this gap in parenting and abuse it to his own desires and needs unless you all come together and decide on a plan of action you all know and understand and feel happy with and can keep to.

For instance, it isn't acceptable for the Dad to say.. you can stay here next tuesday and wednesday... come to an agreement where the child knows, hey I'm with my Dad every second weekend of the month and every wednesday night, or whatever else works for all of you.

rbquk;5615670

Im not his parent as like i have said previously, they say he is their … Im not his parent as like i have said previously, they say he is their child and i have no say so to speak because everything to do with him goes through them regardless of weather im looking after him or not.



but you are his parent, you have parental responsibility for him as you have a long term relationship with the child's mother and you live with them. This child is your child's big brother!!

Banned

ClarityofMind;5615741

but you are his parent, you have parental responsibility for him as you … but you are his parent, you have parental responsibility for him as you have a long term relationship with the child's mother and you live with them. This child is your child's big brother!!



marrying the mother does not give them parental responsibilty, is their any court orders in place op? Where the parents married at some time? what does the child want? and yes at 14 he should be old enough to discuss such issues
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