I lost my mum yesterday

71
Posted 15th Nov
So around 2.5 months ago i posted a thread on HUKD 's about mother been diagnosed with stage 4 lung cancer in August 2019. she worked right up till may 12th of this year. it's been the hardest, most stressful worrying time of my life.. I looked after her from the day of diagnoses for around 5 weeks all on my own at this point she couldn't even walk or move with multiple back fractures and unbearable pain due to the cancer invading everywhere including the bones. she didn't walk for the last 3 months she was bed bond and it killed me knowing she is now waiting to die as she couldn't do anything nice or go somewhere but stay in bed and detireate which she did towards the end she looked like a skeleton with muscle completely disappeared. she was on hospital after the 5 weeks I looked after her as it got to much for me and her she went to the Manchester royal to St Ann's hospice and around wenesday 13th 11:50 ish I got a call from the hospice informing she was very ill with sepsis and UTI and was rushed to hospital I went right away with my mother's sister we stayed with my dying mother from midnight till 10 that morning having to look at her dying and with references like 'please I want It over now' and her words where ' I want to go into the stars now' at 10 she sadly passed away when we all went outside for a breather. her mouth was wide open and her eyes where looking up at the ceiling hardest thing to ever witness that look will be ingrained into my mind for life the shock of finding her dead. I wanted to post this and get it off my chest and potentially hear from others and how they have felt with simalair things my regards Dan.
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I lost my Mum in 2012, suddenly. It was made worse cos we never got the chance to thank her for being such an amazing Mum. I thought I'd never get over it but you do. It takes time. We're 7 years on now and most of my memories are now good ones. Yours will be too. Just remember it will take time.


I'm really sorry for you
I lost my mum to cancer too, I just remember during all the tears sadness & heartache thinking I’m glad it’s over for her sake, no more waiting for results, no more chemo, no more pain for her, which brought some kind of comfort/relief to me. This was 10 years ago & it still feels like yesterday, but at the same time it feels like forever since I saw her. You never get over it but you do learn to live with it. Don’t hold your feelings/tears in, it’s how we cope. Deepest sympathies to you.
Man, the overwhelming support... Unbelievable and restores my faith in humanity. I've read Every single comment and it has raised my sprits I can't thank you guys enough thanks for the kind words
Hi dan. Firstly so sorry on the loss of your mum. Secondly well done to you for looking so well after her she will be so proud of you. I’m in a similar situation my mum has cancer and terminal leukaemia we were told 3 months ago she had 6 months to live. Then last month my dad was also diagnosed for the fourth time and this time it has gone into his lymph nodes so even with his immunotherapy treatment he is expected to live Upto 12 months. It’s very hard as I have no siblings so apart from my own child I will be alone to deal with the loss of them both. . Stay strong sending you big hugs x
71 Comments
So sorry to hear this, I give you my thoughts and well wishes in this dark time in your life.
Sorry for your loss,take heart from the fact she is no longer in chronic pain.
To him we belong & to him we return. Deepest sympathies.
So sorry Dan, I remember your last post it's so hard to have the words and nothing will really comfort you at this sad sad time, only time can heal the pain...it won't seem like it now, but it really will.

Your mum is out of pain now and you won't have to see her suffer anymore, just sending heartfelt sympathies and I'm sure lots more people on here will be able to say more to help you though the pain you're feeling inside.
R.I.P Don't worry she's in a better place now and one day you can meet her and be with her in the stars forever in peace
So sorry to hear that.
Hi Dan,

So sorry to read about your lose and what a difficult time you andyour family have had.

I can’t start to imagine what you must be feeling right now perhaps a real mix of emotions.

I think you are incredibly brave sharing this.

I hope you are able to find support groups local to you so you can get help through this difficult time.
So sorry for your loss, she's at peace now and you acted like a great son in her time of need
I lost my mum to cancer too, I just remember during all the tears sadness & heartache thinking I’m glad it’s over for her sake, no more waiting for results, no more chemo, no more pain for her, which brought some kind of comfort/relief to me. This was 10 years ago & it still feels like yesterday, but at the same time it feels like forever since I saw her. You never get over it but you do learn to live with it. Don’t hold your feelings/tears in, it’s how we cope. Deepest sympathies to you.
It took strength and a lot of guts to make this post, Dan. Whilst nothing can be said to take away the pain you must feel, may I offer my most sincere condolences at this time.

Your Mum sounds like she was a very wonderful, strong lady. It's of little comfort, but; like my own dear Grandmother; her pain is now over. May she rest in peace.

All the best Dan. Take care of yourself.

Kindest regards, Phsy.
Dan, I remember your previous post & replying then about my mum who died of pancreatic cancer .. like you I was there at her side til the end & it is something I will never forget.. truly devastating.. I’m thinking of you Dan .. take care of yourself.
Edited by: "JumpMan1980" 16th Nov
So sorry to hear of your loss but she is at peace now. It's a horrible thing to watch a loved one die, I've been there. I remember walking out of the hospital and everyone else was just getting on with life and mine had just collapsed. It was surreal. The thing I found hardest afterwards was the things that only that person would understand that you could no longer share. Daft stuff like the butcher has closed down or the bulbs are coming through. It does get better with time but it isn't a quick process. I couldn't have done it without the help of a bereavement counsellor. It's important to talk about her because that helps you heal. Some people will do anything to avoid the subject as they are uncomfortable talking about your mother in front of you and don't want to stir up sad feelings. It really does help to talk though and you may find that you have to bring the subject up first to put them at ease.
I've been through it so if you need to talk I'm always here
Shes in a better place now. Think of it, shes free of pain now
claire751915/11/2019 20:21

I lost my mum to cancer too, I just remember during all the tears sadness …I lost my mum to cancer too, I just remember during all the tears sadness & heartache thinking I’m glad it’s over for her sake, no more waiting for results, no more chemo, no more pain for her, which brought some kind of comfort/relief to me. This was 10 years ago & it still feels like yesterday, but at the same time it feels like forever since I saw her. You never get over it but you do learn to live with it. Don’t hold your feelings/tears in, it’s how we cope. Deepest sympathies to you.


Same with my papa, got tears thinking about it all again, you're so right when you say you don't get over it, you just learn to live with it, any little thing can set me off, just passing anything in the car or a song that comes in when I'm driving, no good holding your feelings in, it's what makes us all very human, male or female, none of that 'men don't cry' nonsense
Edited by: "maccy1i" 15th Nov
Absolutely gutted for you. My mams all I've got. I haven't got a big family and father left when I was a baby so shes my no.1... When the day finally comes for her to leave us I haven't a clue how I'll cope!
I found her will by accident a couple of years ago and it broke my heart with what she wrote. Her main concern was not having or getting to see her grandchildren, as I'm her only child if I don't have any kids she'll never get to have them.
Sorry again for your loss
I lost my Mum in 2012, suddenly. It was made worse cos we never got the chance to thank her for being such an amazing Mum. I thought I'd never get over it but you do. It takes time. We're 7 years on now and most of my memories are now good ones. Yours will be too. Just remember it will take time.


I'm really sorry for you
fearona15/11/2019 20:19

So sorry for your loss, she's at peace now and you acted like a great son …So sorry for your loss, she's at peace now and you acted like a great son in her time of need


Agree. Very apt username.
My deepest sympathy. You where your mums rock till the end and she will be very proud of how you cared for her . The pain will never go but over time it will get better, try to think of the good times you had and try not to focus on the bad times at the end .
Edited by: "ashmac" 15th Nov
Hi dan. Firstly so sorry on the loss of your mum. Secondly well done to you for looking so well after her she will be so proud of you. I’m in a similar situation my mum has cancer and terminal leukaemia we were told 3 months ago she had 6 months to live. Then last month my dad was also diagnosed for the fourth time and this time it has gone into his lymph nodes so even with his immunotherapy treatment he is expected to live Upto 12 months. It’s very hard as I have no siblings so apart from my own child I will be alone to deal with the loss of them both. . Stay strong sending you big hugs x
kirstie280615/11/2019 21:01

Hi dan. Firstly so sorry on the loss of your mum. Secondly well done to …Hi dan. Firstly so sorry on the loss of your mum. Secondly well done to you for looking so well after her she will be so proud of you. I’m in a similar situation my mum has cancer and terminal leukaemia we were told 3 months ago she had 6 months to live. Then last month my dad was also diagnosed for the fourth time and this time it has gone into his lymph nodes so even with his immunotherapy treatment he is expected to live Upto 12 months. It’s very hard as I have no siblings so apart from my own child I will be alone to deal with the loss of them both. . Stay strong sending you big hugs x


So so sad, I hope you're coping ok (sounds like a silly thing to say) sending lots of love and hugs to you, you're having to cope with so much at one time, I hope you've other members of the family to turn to
Sorry for your loss. it's a difficult time for you, but it will ease.

My mum passed away March 2017. I can remember going to the nursing home a day prior to her death and although she was obviously coming towards the end of her life I had no idea how soon that would be. I had a call from the nursing home the same day I had seen her telling me that they didn't think she would last the night. (it just didn't compute, I had only seen her a few hours ago). I called my mum and she was able to have a frank conversation with me and said it will be ok for me to come down to see her the next day. I listened to her, I always did. I went from London to Southend the following day and was there at 8am, my brother arrived from Bury St. Edmunds at 8.30am, my sister who lives in Southend and saw our mum nearly every day and just could not believe me when I told her the bit about her not lasting through the night arrived at about 8.45am after I had called her at 8am and told her you need to get here right now. My mum passed away with her 3 children in the room at about 8.50am.

Typical of my mum to put her children first, even in her death.
Edited by: "OllieSt" 15th Nov
maccy1i15/11/2019 21:04

So so sad, I hope you're coping ok (sounds like a silly thing to say) So so sad, I hope you're coping ok (sounds like a silly thing to say) sending lots of love and hugs to you, you're having to cope with so much at one time, I hope you've other members of the family to turn to


Thanks Maccy. It is hard it seems like I have to be the strong one all the time but I do have a few silent cries whilst in the bath always seems to help x
So sorry, and so sad to read. I too lost both my parents to cancer 25 years ago - all I can say is 'it does get better, and there is no right way or wrong way to grieve'. You are doing the right thing by talking if that's what you want to do, and if you want to sit in a corner and cry or scream that's fine too.
I wish you and your family well.
Evening Dan, sad news and sorry for your loss of your mother Sending you this verse as everyone else has sent their deepest condolences

Stay strong Dan
kirstie280615/11/2019 21:14

Thanks Maccy. It is hard it seems like I have to be the strong one all the …Thanks Maccy. It is hard it seems like I have to be the strong one all the time but I do have a few silent cries whilst in the bath always seems to help x


To be honest, I hate showing my feelings in front of anyone, so I completely understand what you're saying I think sometimes it makes me look a bit uncaring, my family of course know I'm not but it's just showing emotions in front of people, I find it easier to write about it than show it x

If you ever need a chat don't hesitate, even talking to people you don't know 'in real life' if you like, can help xx
Sorry for your loss
maccy1i15/11/2019 21:19

To be honest, I hate showing my feelings in front of anyone, so I …To be honest, I hate showing my feelings in front of anyone, so I completely understand what you're saying I think sometimes it makes me look a bit uncaring, my family of course know I'm not but it's just showing emotions in front of people, I find it easier to write about it than show it xIf you ever need a chat don't hesitate, even talking to people you don't know 'in real life' if you like, can help xx


Thanks. My little one is only 7 so try to keep things as normal as possible for her sake. As someone else said though my mums only worries are not seeing her grow up and as the only grandchild they will ever have they are very close. Thanks again but I’m not hijacking dans post x
kirstie280615/11/2019 21:29

Thanks. My little one is only 7 so try to keep things as normal as …Thanks. My little one is only 7 so try to keep things as normal as possible for her sake. As someone else said though my mums only worries are not seeing her grow up and as the only grandchild they will ever have they are very close. Thanks again but I’m not hijacking dans post x



You a good mum kirstie and understand totally about the post xx
So sorry for your loss. Wish I could offer something more than just these few words, but my sincere condolences to you and the other brave people who’ve come forward and shared their experiences.
Man, the overwhelming support... Unbelievable and restores my faith in humanity. I've read Every single comment and it has raised my sprits I can't thank you guys enough thanks for the kind words
kirstie280615/11/2019 21:01

Hi dan. Firstly so sorry on the loss of your mum. Secondly well done to …Hi dan. Firstly so sorry on the loss of your mum. Secondly well done to you for looking so well after her she will be so proud of you. I’m in a similar situation my mum has cancer and terminal leukaemia we were told 3 months ago she had 6 months to live. Then last month my dad was also diagnosed for the fourth time and this time it has gone into his lymph nodes so even with his immunotherapy treatment he is expected to live Upto 12 months. It’s very hard as I have no siblings so apart from my own child I will be alone to deal with the loss of them both. . Stay strong sending you big hugs x


Thanks so much, it's gonna be so hard without her I'm 28 and never ended up moving out so it's even harder as we've lived together for so long.. but I can't express how sad this makes me I've always felt like the only child as my half brother disappeared at 17. so don't really know him much till last few years anyway it's very hard on you're own almost unbearable at times but you will be strong for them and you're kids I've just had my 1st child a daughter and it makes it even harder as mum loved the backside off her she's only 9 months old. so much has happened this year but I hope you be there for mother and father and you're kids I'm deeply sorry
Edited by: "Justsuperman" 15th Nov
My mother in law stayed with us for the last 4 months of her life on palliative care with cancer. It was the hardest time of my life and finding her dead was the worst as she was like a mum to me. She couldn't walk and her organs failed at the end and she didn't eat for the last few days. I wouldn't wish it on anyone.

I feel for your loss and hope you find some comfort from others.
I lost my father last August, after a long battle with scleroderma he finally succumb to it. I looked after him after work and during days off with the help of his partner. To see a man who was strong and courageous fight till the end was proud and hard to watch. We never get over the loss of a parent it just eases with time. Every single day I think of him, still sometimes cry, it's perfectly normal. My thoughts right now are with you and your family. Console yourself that their pain is over and are finally at peace. I wish I knew the words to help. But try be strong.
May she rest in peace. I’m blessed to still have my parents with me but had a scare few years back when my father was diagnosed with bladder cancer. At the time I couldn’t comprehend how I’d continue life without his guidance even though I’m a full grown man. It’s taught me to cherish every moment I have with my parents and never take them for granted. Hope you can take comfort from memories of your mother and the fact that she’s now at peace.
Justsuperman15/11/2019 21:36

Man, the overwhelming support... Unbelievable and restores my faith in …Man, the overwhelming support... Unbelievable and restores my faith in humanity. I've read Every single comment and it has raised my sprits I can't thank you guys enough thanks for the kind words


Dan you're the same age as my oldest son so this will have hit you very hard. Someone on misc will always be here there to help you through this difficult time
Justsuperman15/11/2019 21:41

Thanks so much, it's gonna be so hard without her I'm 28 and never ended …Thanks so much, it's gonna be so hard without her I'm 28 and never ended up moving out so it's even harder as we've lived together for so long.. but I can't express how sad this makes me I've always felt like the only child as my half brother disappeared at 17. so don't really know him much till last few years anyway it's very hard on you're own almost unbearable at times but you will be strong for them and you're kids I've just had my 1st child a daughter and it makes it even harder as mum loved the backside off her she's only 9 months old. so much has happened this year but I hope you be there for mother and father and you're kids I'm deeply sorry


Thanks dan you just remember to tell that little girl how wonderful her granny was and how much she loved her. My little girl is old enough to know that already but will make it twice as hard when the time comes. Xx
There really are no words to fully console what you must be going through right now. Must have been very hard for you to type all that out too, and was a very sad read.

Take care and sorry for your loss
I'm very sorry to hear the sad news.
Don't know if you have gone through greif before, but the next few weeks will be tiring.

You will find yourself being in auto mode. The worst thing is always the build up to the funeral.

Once it's all over you slowly get back to something normal, some things which didn't seem so important will become more important and some things which seemed important will become less important. It will still take a few months.

You generally learn to love life more and not waste time you have.

It will still hit you years into the future, you may be shopping, see something and suddenly feel like you want to burst into tears. it's all normal.
maccy1i15/11/2019 21:32

You a good mum kirstie and understand totally about the post xx


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