Im so bored at work....lets have a few jokes please =) i'll start....

Found 10th Feb 2009
Nelson Mandela is sitting at home watching the telly when he hears a knock at the door. When he opens it, he is confronted by a little Japanese man, clutching a clipboard and yelling,
"You sign, you sign!"
Behind him is an enormous truck full of car exhausts.
Nelson is standing there in complete amazement when the Japanese man starts to yell louder.
"You sign! You sign!"
Nelson says to him, "Look mate, you've obviously got the wrong bloke. Get lost!" and shuts the door in the Japanese man's face.
The next day he hears a knock at the door again. When he opens it, the little Japanese man is back, with a huge truck full of brake pads.
He thrusts his clipboard under Nelson's nose, yelling "You sign! You sign!"
Mr Mandela is getting a bit hacked off by now, so he shoves the little Japanese man back, shouting:
"Look, get lost!! You've got the wrong bloke! I don't want them!" then slams the door in the Japanese man's face again.
The following day Nelson is resting, and late in the afternoon, hears a knock on the door again. Upon opening the door, the little Japanese man thrusts the same clipboard under his nose, shouting
"You sign! You sign!"
Behind him are TWO large trucks full of wing mirrors.
Nelson loses his temper completely, picks the little man up by his shirt front and yells at him, "Look, I don't want these! Do you understand? You must have the wrong man! Who do you want to give these to?" The little Japanese man looks at him a bit puzzled, consults his clipboard, And says:
"You not Nissan Maindealer?"
Community Updates
What do you do when you find a spaceman?
Park it in, man!
A cowboy rides into town, goes into a bar, has a beer, walks outside and finds his horse has been stolen. He walks into the bar, and fires his gun through the ceiling. "WHICH ONE OF YOU MOTHERS STOLE MY HOSS?" he yells. No-one answers. "ALRIGHT, I'M GONNA HAVE ANOTHA BEER, AND IF MY HOSS AIN'T OUTSIDE BY THE TIME I FINNISH, I'M GONNA DO WHAT I DUN IN TEXAS". He gets another beer, walks outside, and his horse is back, so he get's on it and makes to ride out of town. The bartender wanders out of the bar and asks "Say partner, what happened in Texas?". The cowboy turns to him and says "I had to walk all the way home..."
Grandmas Don't Know Everything

He'd been playing outside with the other kids for a while
When he came into the house and asked her, 'Grandma, what's
that thing called when two people sleep in the same room and one is
On top of the other?'

She was a little taken aback, but she decided to just tell
Him the truth. 'It's called sexual intercourse, darling'

Little Tony just said, 'Oh, OK,' and went back outside to
Play with the other kids.

A few minutes later he came back in and said angrily,
'Grandma, it isn't called sexual intercourse. It's called Bunk Beds.
And Jimmy's mom wants to talk to you.'

Grandmas Don't Know Everything He'd been playing outside with the other … Grandmas Don't Know Everything He'd been playing outside with the other kids for a whileWhen he came into the house and asked her, 'Grandma, what'sthat thing called when two people sleep in the same room and one isOn top of the other?'She was a little taken aback, but she decided to just tellHim the truth. 'It's called sexual intercourse, darling'Little Tony just said, 'Oh, OK,' and went back outside toPlay with the other kids.A few minutes later he came back in and said angrily,'Grandma, it isn't called sexual intercourse. It's called Bunk Beds.And Jimmy's mom wants to talk to you.'

..............I thought you said you were going start the joke telling !!!!! ... oh go on then I'll start it off..

Q: What do you call a blonde in the freezer?
A: A Frosted Flake
The following was developed as a mental age assessment by the School of
Psychiatry at Harvard University . Take your time and see if you can read
each line aloud without a mistake. The average person over 40 years of age
cannot do it!

1. This is this cat..
2. This is is cat.
3. This is how cat.
4. This is to cat.
5. This is keep cat.
6. This is an cat.
7. This is old cat.
8. This is fart cat.
9. This is busy cat.
10. This is for cat.
11. This is forty cat.
12. This is seconds cat.

Now go back and read the third word in each line .
Man walks into a fishmongers with a salmon under his arm and says " Hello mate, do you do fishcakes?"

"No, why?" replies the fishmonger...

"Ah its a shame, its his birthday"
A man goes into a pet shop and walks up to the counter.
"Yes, sir, can I help you ?" asks the assistant.
"I'd like a wasp, please", said the man.
"You'd like a WHAT, sir ?" asks the assistant, looking puzzled.
"I'd like a WASP, please", he repeats.
"I'm sorry sir; we don't sell wasps in here."
"Well, there's one in the window ..."
Q: What do you call four bull fighters in quicksand?

A: Quatro sinko
After having their 11th child, a Liverpool couple decided that was enough, as the social wouldn't buy them a bigger bed and they weren't strong enough to nick one.

The husband went to his doctor and told him that he and his wife didn't want to have any more children.

The doctor told him there was a procedure called a vasectomy that would fix the problem but it was expensive. A less costly alternative was to go home, get a firework, light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to his ear and count to 10.

The Scouser said to the doctor, 'I may not be the smartest guy in the world, but I don't see how putting a firework in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me.'

'Trust me, it will do the job', said the doctor.

So the man went home, lit a banger and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count: '1, 2, 3, 4, 5,' at which point he
paused, placed the beer can between his legs so he could continue counting on his other hand.

This procedure also works in Middlesbrough, parts of Bradford and anywhere in Glasgow .
A mortician was working late one night. It was his job to examine the dead bodies before they were sent off to be buried or cremated. As he examined the body of Mr. Sam, who was about to be cremated, he made an amazing discovery: Sam had the longest private part he had ever seen!

“I’m sorry Mr. Sam,” said the mortician, “but I can’t send you off to be cremated with a tremendously huge private part like this. It has to be saved for posterity.”

And with that the coroner used his tools to remove the dead man’s distinguishing member. The coroner stuffed his prize into a briefcase and took it home. The first person he showed was his wife.

“I have something to show you that you won’t believe,” he said, and opened his briefcase.

“Oh, my God!” she screamed, “Sam is dead!”
So True its Scary
According to today's regulators and bureaucrats, those of us who were kids in the 60's, 70's and early 80's probably shouldn't have survived, because our baby cots were covered with brightly coloured lead-based paint which was promptly chewed and licked.

We had no childproof lids on medicine bottles, or latches on doors or cabinets and it was fine to play with pans. When we rode our bikes, we wore no helmets, just flip-flops and fluorescent 'spokey dokey's' on our wheels.

As children, we would ride in cars with no seat belts or airbags and riding in the passenger seat was a treat. We drank water from the garden hose and not from a bottle and it tasted the same.

We ate chips, bread and butter pudding and drank fizzy juice with sugar in it, but we were never overweight because we were always outside playing.We shared one drink with four friends, from one bottle or can and no-one actually died from this.

We would spend hours building go-carts out of scraps and then went top speed down the hill, only to find out we forgot the brakes. After running into stinging nettles a few times, we learned to solve the problem.

We would leave home in the morning and could play all day, as long as we were back before it got dark. No one was able to reach us and no one minded.

We did not have Play stations or X-Boxes, no video games at all. No 99 channels on TV, no videotape movies, no surround sound, no mobile phones, no personal computers, no DVDs, no Internet chatrooms.

We had friends - we went outside and found them. We played elastics and rounders, and sometimes that ball really hurt!

We fell out of trees, got cut and broke bones but there were no law suits.

We played knock-the-door-run-away and were actually afraid of the owners catching us. We walked to friends' homes. We also, believe it or not, WALKED to school; we didn't rely on mummy or daddy to drive us to school, which was just round the corner.

We made up games with sticks and tennis balls. We rode bikes in packs of 7 and wore our coats by only the hood. The idea of a parent bailing us out if we broke a law was unheard of...they actually sided with the law.

This generation has produced some of the best risk-takers and problem solvers and inventors, ever. The past 50 years have been an explosion of innovation and new ideas. We had freedom, failure, success and responsibility, and we learned how to deal with it all. And you're one of them.


Pass this on to others who have had the luck to grow as real kids, before lawyers and government regulated our lives, for "our own good". For those of you who aren't old enough, thought you might like to read about us.

This my friends, is surprisingly frightening......and it might put a smile on your face:

The majority of students in universities today were born in 1986....

The Uptown Girl they know is by Westlife not Billy Joel.

They have never heard of Rick Astley, Bananarama, Nena Cherry or Belinda Carlisle.

For them, there has always been only one Germany and one Vietnam .

AIDS has existed since they were born.

CD's have existed since they were born. Michael Jackson has always been white.

To them John Travolta has always been round in shape and they can't imagine how this fat guy could be a god of dance.

They believe that Charlie's Angels and Mission Impossible are films from last year.

They can never imagine life before computers.

They'll never have pretended to be the A-Team, the Dukes of Hazard or the Famous Five.

They can't believe a black and white television ever existed.

And they will never understand how we could leave the house without a mobile phone.

Now let's check if we're getting old...

1. You understand what was written above and you smile.

2. You need to sleep more, usually until the afternoon, after a night out.

3. Your friends are getting married/already married

4. You are always surprised to see small children playing comfortably with computers.

5. When you see children with mobile phones, you shake your head.

6. Having read this mail, you are thinking of forwarding it to some other friends because you think they will like it too...

Yes, you're Getting old!!
Q: What's about six inches long and produces a white, frothy substance when rubbed back and forth and in and out?

A: A toothbrush.
After numerous rounds of: "We don't even know if Osama is still alive," Osama himself decided to send George Bush a letter in his own handwriting to let him know he was still in the game.

Bush opened the letter and it appeared to contain a coded message: 370HSSV-0773H

Bush was baffled, so he e-mailed it to Condi Rice. Condi and her aides had no clue either, so they sent it to the F B I. No one could solve it so it went to the C I A, then to NSA.

With no clue as to its meaning, they eventually asked Britain's MI-6 for help. MI-6 cabled the White House:

"Tell the President he's holding the message upside down."
Q) Whats pink and dangerous!?

A) A pig with a flick knife
It takes your food 7 seconds to get from your mouth to your stomach.
One human hair can support about six pounds.
The average man's ***** is three times the length of his thumb.
Human thighbones are stronger than concrete.
There are about one trillion bacteria on each of your feet.
Women blink twice as often as men.
The average person's skin weighs twice as much as the brain.
If saliva cannot dissolve something, you cannot taste it.

Women reading this will be finished now.
Men who read this are probably still busy checking their thumbs.
A woman goes into an antique shop and says to the owner, "when I was in here last week I saw a big mug with a flat head that holds a lot of beer. I'd like to buy it."
"Sorry," replied the owner, but I can't sell you that."
"Why not asked the customer?"
"Because that's my husband."
How do you turn a dishwasher into a snow plough?

Give the bitch a shovel.
A horse walks into a bar, he sits down and the bartender asks him, "Why the long face?"
Then a second horse walks in with jumper cables attached to it's head, he sits down, and the bartender says, "I don't mind the long face, but don't u go and try to start anything!"
A duck walks into bar,
Duck: got any bread?
Bartender: no
Duck: got any bread?
Bartender: no...
Duck: got any bread?
Bartender: NO
Duck: got any bread?
Bartender: NOOOOO!!!!!
Duck: got any bread?
Bartender: If you ask that one more time I'm going to nail your bill to the counter.
Duck: got any nails?
Bartender: NO
Duck: got any bread?
Two priests are off to the showers late one night. They undress and step into the showers before they realise there is no soap.

Father John says he has soap in his room and goes to get it, not bothering to dress. He grabs two bars of soap, one in each hand ,and heads back to the showers. He is halfway down the hall when he sees three nuns heading his way.

Having no place to hide, he stands against the wall and freezes like he's a statue.

The nuns stop and comment on how life-like he looks.

The first nun suddenly reaches out and pulls on his manhood.

Startled, he drops a bar of soap.

"Oh look" says the first nun, "it's a soap dispenser".

To test her theory the second nun also pulls on his manhood. Sure enough, he drops the second bar of soap.

Now the third nun decides to have a go. She pulls once, then
twice and three times but nothing happens. So she gives several
more tugs, then yells...

"Holy Mary, Mother of God, HAND LOTION TOO!"
Question: If a blonde and a brunette fell off a building, who would hit the ground first?
Answer: The brunette - the blonde would have to stop for directions!

The assistant asked the blonde if she would like her pizza cut into six pieces or twelve.
"Six please" she said, "I could never eat twelve!"

Two blondes were in a parking lot trying to unlock the door of their car with a coat hanger.
First Blonde:
"I can't seem to get this door unlocked!
Second Blonde:
Well you better hurry up. It's starting to rain and the top is down!

A blonde asked someone what time it was, and they told her it was 4:45. The blonde, with a puzzled look on her face replied,
"You know, it's the weirdest thing, I have been asking that question all day, and each time I get a different answer."
A little boy, at a wedding looks at his mom and says, "Mommy, why does the bride wear white?"
His mom replies, "The bride is in white because she's happy and this is the happiest day of her life."
The boys thinks about this, and then says, "Well then why is the groom wearing black..."
A drunk was brought before the court. "Mister," the judge began, "you've been brought here for drinking."
"Great!" the drunk exclaimed. "When do we get started?"
Two men were digging a ditch on a very hot day. One said to the other, "Why are we down in this hole digging a ditch when our boss is standing up there in the shade of a tree?" "I don't know," responded the other. "I'll ask him."

So he climbed out of the hole and went to his boss. "Why are we digging in the hot sun and you're standing in the shade?" "Intelligence," the boss said. "What do you mean, 'intelligence'?"

The boss said, "Well, I'll show you. I'll put my hand on this tree and I want you to hit it with your fist as hard as you can." The ditch digger took a mighty swing and tried to hit the boss' hand. The boss removed his hand and the ditch digger hit the tree. The boss said, "That's intelligence!"

The ditch digger went back to his hole. His friend asked, "What did he say?" "He said we are down here because of intelligence." "What's intelligence?" said the friend. The ditch digger put his hand on his face and said, "Take your shovel and hit my hand."
A man walks into a bar and asks, 'Do you serve women in this bar?'
'No,' replies the barman, 'you have to bring your own.'
*Dear Mum & Dad,** *

*Our Scoutmaster told us to write to our parents in case you saw the

flood on TV and are worried. We are okay. Only one of our tents and 2

sleeping bags got washed away. Luckily, none of us got drowned because

we were all up on the mountain looking for Adam when it happened.** *


Oh yes, please call Adam's mother and tell her he is okay. He can't

write because of the cast. I got to ride in one of the search and

rescue jeeps. It was neat. We never would have found Adam in the dark

if it hadn't been for the lightning.*


Scoutmaster Keith got mad at Adam for going on a hike alone without

telling anyone. Adam said he did tell him, but it was during the fire

so he probably didn't hear him. Did you know that if you put gas on a

fire, the gas will blow up?*


The wet wood didn't burn, but one of the tents did and also some of

our clothes. Matthew is going to look weird until his hair grows



We will be home on Saturday if Scoutmaster Keith gets the bus fixed.

It wasn't his fault about the wreck. The brakes worked okay when we left.

Scoutmaster Keith said that with a bus that old you have to expect

something to break down; that's probably why he can't get insurance.*


We think it's a neat bus. He doesn't care if we get it dirty and if

it's hot, sometimes he lets us ride on the fenders. It gets pretty hot

with 45 people in a bus made for 24. He let us take turns riding in the

trailer until the highway patrol man stopped and talked to us.*


Scoutmaster Keith is a neat guy. Don't worry, he is a good driver. In

fact, he is teaching Jessie how to drive on the mountain roads where

there isn't any cops. All we ever see up there are logging trucks.*


This morning all of the guys were diving off the rocks and swimming

out to the rapids. Scoutmaster Keith wouldn't let me because I can't

swim, and Adam was afraid he would sink because of his cast, it's

concrete because we didn't have any plaster, so he let us take the

canoe out. It was great. You can still see some of the trees under the

water from the flood.*


Scoutmaster Keith isn't crabby like some scoutmasters. He didn't even

get mad about the life jackets. He has to spend a lot of time working

on the bus so we are trying not to cause him any trouble.*


Guess what? We have all passed our first aid merit badges. When Ryan

dived into the lake and cut his arm, we got to see how a tourniquet



Steven and I threw up, but Scoutmaster Keith said it probably was just

food poisoning from the leftover chicken. He said they got sick that

way with food they ate in prison. I'm so glad he got out and became

our scoutmaster. He said he sure figured out how to get things done

better while he was doing his time. By the way, what is a pedal-file?*


I have to go now. We are going to town to mail our letters &** **buy

some more beer and ammo. Don't worry about anything. We are fine and

tonight it's my turn to sleep in the Scoutmaster's tent.*


Love as always*

*your only son*

Married couple in their sixys are vistied by the fairy who grants them both a wish.
I want to travel around the world with my husband said the wife.... 2 tickets for a luxury cruise magically appear in her hand.....
Husband says sorry love but my wish is to have a wife 30 years younger than me...
So the fairy waves her wand and the husband becomes 92....
Moral of the story; Men who are ungrateful should remember - Fairies are females!!!

If Laura, Kate and Sarah go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Kate and Sarah.
If Mike, Dave and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla and Four-eyes.

When the bill arrives, Mike, Dave and John will each throw in £20, even though it's only for £32.50. None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back.
When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.

A man will pay £2 for a £1 item he needs.
A woman will pay £1 for a £2 item that she doesn't need but it's on sale.

A man has six items in his bathroom: toothbrush and toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel .
The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify more than 20 of these items.

A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, but she does.

A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the trash, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail.
A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.

Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favourite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams.
A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.

A married man should forget his mistakes. There's no use in two people remembering the same thing.
Fires in Australia 181 dead
Floods in England 9 dead

Damn Australians win everything.
Cider (Apple), Vodka (Potato), Wine (Grape), Perry (Pear), Archers (Peach), Malibu (coconut). I never realised Just how much fun your 5 a day could be.
I was in Tesco and saw a guy off Crimewatch who is wanted for several rapes. I tackled him to the ground and punched him unconscious. The police arrived and arrested me.

Apparently they use actors on the show.
A man goes into a library and asks for a book on suicide.

The librarian says; "NO, you won't bring it back."
I called that Rape Advice Line earlier today.

Unfortunately, it's only for victims.
I was reading in the paper today about this dwarf that got pickpocketed.

How could anyone stoop so low?
ʎɐqǝ uo pɹɐoqʎǝʞ ɐ ʎnq ı ǝɯıʇ ʇsɐן ǝɥʇ sı sıɥʇ

Fires in Australia 181 deadFloods in England 9 deadDamn Australians win … Fires in Australia 181 deadFloods in England 9 deadDamn Australians win everything.

Spoiled a good thread. :x

A duck walks into bar, Duck: got any bread?Bartender: noDuck: got any … A duck walks into bar, Duck: got any bread?Bartender: noDuck: got any bread? Bartender: no...Duck: got any bread?Bartender: NO Duck: got any bread?Bartender: NOOOOO!!!!!Duck: got any bread?Bartender: If you ask that one more time I'm going to nail your bill to the counter.Duck: got any nails?Bartender: NODuck: got any bread?

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