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    It's Sunday ................. Just like that .......................................

    Went to the paper shop - it had blown away.

    I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.

    I bought some HP sauce the other day. It's costing me 6p a month for the next 2 years.

    Last night I dreamed I ate a ten-pound marshmallow, and when I woke up the pillow was gone.

    Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.

    A woman told her doctor, 'I've got a bad back. 'The doctor said, 'It's old age. 'The woman said, 'I want a second opinion. 'The doctor says, 'OK. you're ugly as well. '

    'You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said 'Parking Fine. 'So that was nice.'

    A man walked into the doctor's, The doctor said 'I haven't seen you in a long time'
    The man replied, 'I know I've been ill'

    A man walked into the doctor's, he said 'I've hurt my arm in several places'
    The doctor said 'well don't go there any more'

    I'm on a whiskey diet. I've lost three days already.

    Went to the corner shop - bought 4 corners

    'So I got home, and the phone was ringing. I picked it up, and said 'Who's speaking please?'
    And a voice said, 'You are.'

    'So I rang up my local swimming baths. I said ' Is that the local swimming baths?' He said ' It depends where you're calling from.'

    I went to the doctors the other day and I said, 'have you got anything for wind' ,
    so he gave me a kite.

    I went to the Doctors the other day, and he said, 'Go to Bournemouth, it's great for 'flu.
    So I went, and I got it.'

    I was in the attic the other day with the wife. Damp and dusty.........but she's great with the kids!

    So I rang up a local building firm, I said 'I want a skip outside my house'. He said 'I'm not stopping you.'

    11 Comments

    Stop It!

    Original Poster

    Some more Tommy Cooper Jokes - Two liners..............

    A man goes into the doctors. The doctor says, 'Go over to the window and stick your tongue out.'
    Man says, Why? The doctor says, 'I don't like my neighbours'


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    Two Aerials meet on a roof - fall in love - get married.
    The ceremony was rubbish but the reception was brilliant.


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    Now, most dentist's chairs go up and down, don't they? The one I was in went back and forwards. I thought ' This is unusual' .
    And the dentist said to me ' Mr Cooper, get out of the filing cabinet. '


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    Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. And there are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my dad. Or my older brother Colin.
    Or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu. But I think it's Colin.


    --------------------------------------------------------------------------------

    So I was in my car, and I was driving along, and my boss rang up, and he said, 'You've been promoted. 'And I swerved. And then he rang up a second time and said, 'You've been promoted again. 'And I swerved again. He rang up a third time and said ' you're managing director. 'And I went into a tree. And a policeman came up and said ' What happened to you?' And I said 'I careered off the road.


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    'Doc, I can't stop singing the green green grass of home.
    'That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome'.

    'Is it common?'
    'It's not unusual.'

    Tommy Cooper-the man is a legend, and Les Dawson:w00t:

    Original Poster

    skusey;1884469

    Tommy Cooper-the man is a legend, and Les Dawson:w00t:




    So I went to the dentist.
    He said, 'Say Aaah. 'I said, 'Why?' He said, 'My dog's died.'

    snowtiger;1884484

    So I went to the dentist. He said, 'Say Aaah. 'I said, 'Why?' He said, … So I went to the dentist. He said, 'Say Aaah. 'I said, 'Why?' He said, 'My dog's died.'



    I went to the vets and he said, 'I am sorry, I will need to put your dog down',
    'Why, is he poorly/'
    'No, he's bloody heavy'

    One of my faves:p

    lol these jokes are great

    Stop! My Brain Hurts

    love the corner shop one

    lol, the 2 kids one was good, and the corner one, nice one

    lol love em all

    some old but funny
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