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    joke thread

    i = bored, any jokes that anyone would like to share please

    27 Comments

    Penguin walks into a bar.


    Asks the barman, "Have you seen my brother?"

    Barman says, "Dunno. What's he look like?"

    A chicken and an egg are lying in bed. The chicken is leaning against the headboard smoking a cigarette, with a satisfied smile on its face. The egg, clearly angry, grabs the sheet, rolls over, and says,"Well, I guess we finally answered THAT question.

    Stevie Wonder gets a cheese grater for Christmas.

    A couple of days later he tells one of his mates

    "That was the most violent book I ever read!"

    Two cannibals are eating a comedian.


    One says to the other,



    "Does this taste funny to you?"

    jellybaby22;7007360

    I posted this earlier..Im still ashamed...:p



    Ohh, I never saw it...now I'm ashamed it seems like I nick your jokes lol
    bah...brb googling more naff chicken jokes ( can you tell I am bored :oops: )

    Little Paula gets her first period, uncomfortable with talking to her parents she asks little Johnny. She pulls up her skirt and shows him her bleeding f****. Johnny scratches his chin and finally says, well i'm no expert but it looks like someones ripped your balls off!

    The police have finally admitted they were wrong about the Charles de Menezes killing,

    it was his brother, Dennis, they were after.

    arcangel111;7007378

    Little Paula gets her first period, uncomfortable with talking to her … Little Paula gets her first period, uncomfortable with talking to her parents she asks little Johnny. She pulls up her skirt and shows him her bleeding f****. Johnny scratches his chin and finally says, well i'm no expert but it looks like someones ripped your balls off!



    lol! :-D

    Attending a wedding for the first time, Little Susie whispered to her mother, "Why is the bride dressed in white?"

    "Because white is the color of happiness, and today is the happiest day of her life."

    Little Susie thought about this for a moment, then said "So why is the groom wearing black?"

    At Sunday School they were teaching how God created everything, including human beings. Little Johnny, a child in the kindergarten class, seemed especially intent when they told him how Eve was created out of one of Adam's ribs. Later in the week his mother noticed him lying down as though he were ill, and said, "Johnny what is the matter?" Little Johnny responded, "I have a pain in my side. I think I'm going have a wife."

    Travelling salesman's car breaks down in the middle of nowhere on a stormy night.

    He spots a light in the distance and walks through the rain towards it.

    Gets to a remote farmhouse and knocks on the door.

    Old farmer opens and tells him to come in out of the rain, pours him a whisky, gives him a blanket and tells him to take off his wet clothes and sit by the fire.

    Salesman does so while the old guy gets him some hot stew.

    Old guy insists that the salesman stays the night but explains that there is only one bed so he'll have to share with him and his wife.

    Salesman is dead beat so agrees.

    They both have another whisky then go to bed where the salesman discovers the wife is 24 years old and gorgeous.

    Wife fancies salesman and urges him to make love to her.

    Salesman reaches down and pulls a hair out of the old guy's butt to check that he's asleep.

    The old guy doesn't stir.

    The young couple make love.

    A few minutes later the wife wants more.

    Salesman reaches down and pulls out another butt hair - no response.

    They make love again.

    A short while later she wants some more.

    The salesman reaches down for a third time but this time the old boy wakes up.

    "It's bad enough you turn up and abuse my hospitality by drinking my whisky and making love to my wife in my own bed, but I'll not have you using my butt to keep score!"

    A husband says to his wife " we should wash your knickers in slimfast - it might make your fat a*** look thinner!"
    the next morning as he's getting dressed he notices white powder in his underwear - " have you put talc in my pants baby?" - "no" she says "miracle grow!!"

    Little Johnny goes to school one day and the teacher has a brown paper bag

    She reaches her hand in it and says it's round, it's got a stem, and it's got a leaf.

    Little Johnny raises his hand and says it's an apple, it's an apple.

    Then he says now let me give you one.

    He reaches his hand in his pocket and says it's round, it's hard , and it's got a head.

    The teacher says Ohh Johnny that's grose.






    Little Johnny says no it's a quarter but I like the way you're thinking. :w00t:

    faevilangel;7007453

    Little Johnny goes to school one day and the teacher has a brown paper … Little Johnny goes to school one day and the teacher has a brown paper bagShe reaches her hand in it and says it's round, it's got a stem, and it's got a leaf.Little Johnny raises his hand and says it's an apple, it's an apple.Then he says now let me give you one.He reaches his hand in his pocket and says it's round, it's hard , and it's got a head.The teacher says Ohh Johnny that's grose.Little Johnny says no it's a quater but I like the way you're thinking. :w00t:



    :w00t:

    :giggle:

    One afternoon a little girl excitedly approached her mother, and announced that she had learned where babies come from at school that day. Amused, her mother replied, "Really, sweetie? Why don't you tell me all about it?"

    The little girl explained, "Well... OK... the mommy and daddy take off all of their clothes, and the daddy's thing sort of stands up, and the mommy puts it in her mouth, and then it sort of explodes, and that's where babies come from."

    Her mom shook her head, leaned over to meet her eye to eye, and said, "Oh, honey, that's sweet, but that's not where babies come from. That's where jewelry comes from."

    Little Johnny returned from school and saying he got an 'F' in Math.

    "Why?" asked his father.

    "The teacher asked 'How much is 2x3?' I said '6'"

    "But that's right!", said his dad, upset at the injustice.

    "Then she asked me 'How much is 3x2?'"

    "What's the f****** difference?" asked his dad.

    Little Johnny replied "That's exactly what I said!"

    Little Johnny was sitting in class doing math problems when his teacher picked him to answer a question:

    "Johnny, if there were five birds sitting on a fence and you shot one with your gun, how many would be left ?" "None.", replied Johnny. "'cause the rest would fly off."

    "The correct answer is four," said the teacher. "But I like your thinking."

    Little Johnny said, "I have a question for you now. If there were three women eating ice cream cones in a shop, one licking her cone, the second biting her cone, and the third one sucking her cone, which one is married ?

    Well," said the teacher nervously, "I guess the one sucking her cone?"

    "No," said Little Johnny, "The one with the wedding ring on her finger. But I like the way you think!"

    Gas Man knocks on house door and little Johnny answers it wearing knee high boots,stockings, suspenders and smoking a joint
    Gas Man says " is your Mum in litle boy"

    Little Johnny Replies " Does it ****ing look like it !!"

    Why did the 'H' kill himself?

    Because the 'G' had!

    matt3454;7007387

    The police have finally admitted they were wrong about the Charles de … The police have finally admitted they were wrong about the Charles de Menezes killing,it was his brother, Dennis, they were after.



    :w00t::w00t::w00t:

    Actually genius!!

    denver70;7007522

    Gas Man knocks on house door and little Johnny answers it wearing knee … Gas Man knocks on house door and little Johnny answers it wearing knee high boots,stockings, suspenders and smoking a jointGas Man says " is your Mum in litle boy"Little Johnny Replies " Does it ****ing look like it !!"



    lol

    ps - a huddlesford lad with a red badge... far town fans will be crying over this!! lol

    cant say nowt - leeds lad with a red badge is even worse!!!

    A butcher is standing in front of a wee heater in his shop in Glasgow, when a customer comes in. "Is that yer Ayrshire bacon?" she asks. "Naw, it's ma hauns ah'm heatin" he replies.

    morleymagic;7007530

    Why did the 'H' kill himself?Because the 'G' had!



    Why I don't I get this?:x

    Back in the days of cowboys and Indians, toilet paper had just been invented. An Indian, unaware of the new invention, was amazed when he saw a cowboy using it out in the woods. Instead of scalping the cowboy, he offers to let him live if he tells the Indian where he can get some toilet paper. And the cowboy told the Indian about a trading post in the middle of the forest.
    The next day, the Indian was looking over the different types of toilet paper and asked the clerk how much the “Soft and Gentle” was.“That'd be $2.50,” said the clerk. “Too much,” mumbled the Indian, “how about the 'Gentle'?” “That one's $2,” answered the clerk. “Still too much,” complained the Indian, “anything cheaper?” “Welllll,” replied the clerk, “We do have a generic kind.” “What generic mean?” asked the Indian. “It means it doesn't have a name, and it's only 50 cents.” “Me take that,” said the Indian.
    The next day, the Indian returns to the trading post and tells the clerk, “Me have name for generic toilet paper.” “Oh,” says the clerk, “what's the name?” “Me call it John Wayne... it's rough, tough and it take no crap from Indian.”

    whats pink and hairy and hangs out a mans pants....................................................his wife

    shedboy66;7011162

    whats pink and hairy and hangs out a mans … whats pink and hairy and hangs out a mans pants....................................................his wife



    I thought it was what's pink, smells of p**s and hangs out your pants......your nan.

    Next time the wife says' I've got two words for you and the second ones off' ask her if the first word is I'm.


    I must get 10-20 jokes texted a day that are so funny yet couldn't post them on here in a million years.
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