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    Three friends die in a ...


    Three friends die in a car accident and they go to an orientation in heaven. They are all asked, "When you are in your casket and your friends and family are mourning you, what would you like to hear them say about you?"

    The first guy says,"I would like to hear them say that I was a great doctor of my time, and a great family man."

    The second guy says, "I would like to hear that I was a wonderful husband and a schoolteacher who made a huge difference in our children of tomorrow."

    The last guy replies, "I would like to hear them say... LOOK, HE'S MOVING!"


    Bush and Cheney Lunch

    President Bush and Dick Cheney are having lunch at a resteraunt. Cheney orders the heart-heathly salad. Bush leans over to the waitress and says, "Honey could I have a quickie?"
    The waitress was horrified. "Mr. President," she says, "I thought your administration was bringing a new era of moral rectitude to the White House. Now I see what a false promise the was."

    And she marches off in a huff. Cheney leans over and says,

    "George, it's pronounced quiche."

    27 Comments

    Here it is, the world's funniest joke. Ready?

    Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't … Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy takes out his phone and calls the emergency services.He gasps: "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator says: "Calm down, I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a gunshot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says: "OK, now what?"



    So says CNN

    That Bush joke is classic Love it

    good jokes!

    test

    "so says cnn"

    that's the funniest!

    A Man walks into the doctors surgery, with a steering wheel down his boxers.
    The Doc says,"whats wrong?"

    The guy says "i don't know but its driving me nuts!"

    edit........ another one! (maybe some people find it tasteless, but others love it, to do with animals, if you think you might be offended dont read!)











    Larry: Hey Harry, you going on holiday this year?
    Harry: yeah i am, going on a clubbing holiday
    Larry: Oh yeah? where to, Ibiza?
    Harry: No, i'm going to be clubbing Seals.

    what can i say but...

    I like the one about the 3 friends!!

    Poor Couple

    A poor man and woman sat down in their living room and the man said, ''I'm going down to the pub for a bit, so put your coat on.''
    The woman replied, ''Oh, sweetie, why? Are you taking me with you?''

    The man replied, ''No, I'm turning the heat off.''

    Becks comes home and tells Posh he's bought a vacuum flask. "What's that?" asks Posh. Becks replies, "It keeps hot things hot and cold things cold." Posh looks impressed and asks what he's going to put in it. "I've already filled it up," he tells her proudly. "Got a cup of tea and a choc ice in there."

    Mary, the church organist was an 80 year old virgin and admired by all for her kindness. One aftrenoon the priest called round and she showed him into her quaint sitting room while she prepared some tea. As he sat facing her organ the prist noticed a cut glass bowl sitting on top which was filled with water and had a condom floating in it. When Mary returned with the tea the priest tried to hide his curiosity but it got the better of him and he asked, pointing at the bowl " Mary, I wonder if you would tell me about this?"

    " Oh yes" she replied " Isn't it wonderful? I was in town a few months ago and found this little package on the ground. The directions said to place it on the organ, keep it wet and it would prevent the spread of disease. And do you know I haven't had a cold all winter!!"

    This is isna joke, but i was fiddling around with my phone and a few pounds later i end up with one not even funny joke and much less credit! all thanks to t-zones

    [url]www.thesun.co.uk[/url] has some great jokes updated weekly.
    Look at the latest offering at

    thesun.co.uk/art…tml

    They also have, sometimes funny, pictures: thesun.co.uk/art…tml

    The bush one is definitely the best.

    The Bush joke gets my vote

    Wittle Wabbit
    A little girl walks into a pet shop and asks in the sweetest little lisp: "Excuthe me, mithter, do you keep wittle wabbits?"
    And the shopkeeper gets down on his knees, so that he's on her level, and asks: "Do you want a wittle white wabby or a soft and fuwwy bwack wabby or maybe one like that cute wittle bwown wabby over there?"
    The little girl puts her hands on her knees, leans forward and says in a quiet voice: "I don't fink my pyfon really giveths a thit."

    A MAN walks into a bar with a newt on his shoulder.

    The barman looks at the creature and asks the man what he calls it.

    "Tiny," replies the man.

    "Why's that?" asks the bartender.

    "Because he's my newt!"

    What goes Ho Ho Ho bump?





    Santa Claus laughing his head off.

    Joke from The Sun:

    A MAN boarded an aircraft at Heathrow and took his seat. As he settled in, he noticed a very beautiful woman boarding the plane.

    He realised she was heading straight towards him and she took the seat right beside him.

    Eager to strike up a conversation, he blurted out: "Business trip or vacation?"

    She turned, smiled enchantingly and said: "Business.

    "I'm going to the annual nymphomaniac convention in the United States".

    Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked: "What's your business role at this convention?"

    "Lecturer," she responded. "I use my experience to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality."

    "Really", he smiled. "What myths are those?"

    "Well," she explained, "one popular myth is that African American men are the most well endowed when, in fact, it's the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait.

    Another popular myth is that French men are the best lovers, when actually it is the men of Greek descent. We have also found that the best potential lovers in all categories are the Irish.

    Suddenly the woman became uncomfortable and quiet.

    "I'm sorry," she said, "I really shouldn't be discussing this with you, I don't even know your name."

    "Tonto," the man said... "Tonto Papadopoulos, but my friends call me Paddy."

    Joke from The Sun:

    A MAN boarded an aircraft at Heathrow and took his seat. As he settled in, he noticed a very beautiful woman boarding the plane.
    He realised she was heading straight towards him and she took the seat right beside him.
    Eager to strike up a conversation, he blurted out: "Business trip or vacation?"
    She turned, smiled enchantingly and said: "Business.
    "I'm going to the annual nymphomaniac convention in the United States".
    Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked: "What's your business role at this convention?"
    "Lecturer," she responded. "I use my experience to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality."
    "Really", he smiled. "What myths are those?"
    "Well," she explained, "one popular myth is that African American men are the most well endowed when, in fact, it's the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait.
    Another popular myth is that French men are the best lovers, when actually it is the men of Greek descent. We have also found that the best potential lovers in all categories are the Irish.
    Suddenly the woman became uncomfortable and quiet.
    "I'm sorry," she said, "I really shouldn't be discussing this with you, I don't even know your name."
    "Tonto," the man said... "Tonto Papadopoulos, but my friends call me Paddy."

    What's brown & sticky?







    A stick!

    Why is divorce so expensive???


    Because its worth it!!

    Why are ET's eyes so big?

    Because he saw his phone bill!

    ========================

    An Englishman, a Scotsman and an Irishman walk into a bar and the barman says "What's this, a joke?"

    ========================

    More soon maybe...

    leonie_2k5;5737

    Poor Couple A poor man and woman sat down in their living room and the … Poor Couple A poor man and woman sat down in their living room and the man said, ''I'm going down to the pub for a bit, so put your coat on.'' The woman replied, ''Oh, sweetie, why? Are you taking me with you?'' The man replied, ''No, I'm turning the heat off.''



    lol

    i laughed for almost an hour

    ### Mild inferred swearing for the sensitive types to ignore here...





    Whats the difference between a drummer and a chiropodist?

    A Chiropodist bucks up your feet

    worthy of a bump.....

    my reasons...

    its got some AWESOME JOKES!

    Man goes to the doctors and says to the doc " you've got to help me I think i'm a moth"
    The doc says " to be honest you really need to see a psychiatrist"
    To which the man replies " I was on my way there when i saw your light was on"
    BOOM BOOM!:thumbsup:
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