jokes (allegedly)

35
Found 18th Apr 2011
A husband and wife are sitting quietly in bed reading when the Wife looks over
at him and asks the question....

WIFE: "What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?"

HUSBAND:
"Definitely not!"

WIFE: "Why not?
Don't you like being married?"

HUSBAND: "Of
course I do...”

WIFE: "Then why wouldn't you remarry?”

HUSBAND: "Okay, okay, I'd get married again."

WIFE: "You would?" (With a hurt look)

HUSBAND: (makes audible groan)

WIFE: "Would you live in our house?"

HUSBAND: "Sure, it's a great house."

WIFE: "Would you sleep with her in our bed?"

HUSBAND: "Where else would we sleep?"

WIFE: "Would you let her drive my car?"

HUSBAND: "Probably, it is almost new."

WIFE: "Would you replace my pictures with hers?"

HUSBAND: "That would seem like the proper thing to do."

WIFE: "Would you give her my jewellery?"

HUSBAND: "No, I'm sure she'd want her own."

WIFE: "Would you take her golfing with you?

HUSBAND: "Yes, those are always good times."

WIFE: "Would she use my clubs?

HUSBAND: "No, she's left-handed."

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35 Comments

psml....X)

good one

hahahaha

Original Poster

A group of 4 year old kids were trying very hard to become accustomed to nursery

The biggest hurdle they faced was that the teacher insisted on NO baby talk!

You need to use 'Big People' words,' she was always reminding them.

She asked John what he had done over the weekend?

'I went to visit my Nana'.

No, you went to visit your GRANDMOTHER. Use 'Big People' words!'

She then asked Mitchell what he had done

'I took a ride on a choo-choo'.

She said. 'No, you took a ride on a TRAIN. You must remember to use 'Big People' words'.

She then asked little Alex what he had done?

'I read a book' he replied.

That's WONDERFUL!' the teacher said.

'What book did you read?'

Alex thought real hard about it, then puffed out his chest with great pride, and said,

'Winnie the *****
Edited by moderator: "Don`t bypass swear filter" 19th Apr 2011

This morning on the way to work I drove into the back of a car, at some lights, whilst not really paying attention.

The driver got out and he was a dwarf.

He said, "I'm not happy."

I replied, "Well, which one are you then?"
Edited by: "haydnmcfc" 18th Apr 2011

Talking dog brought me a stick, said he found it 100 miles away.
I think that's a bit far fetched......

haydnmcfc

This morning on the way to work I drove into the back of a car, at some … This morning on the way to work I drove into the back of a car, at some lights, whilst not really paying attention.The driver got out and he was a dwarf.He said, "I'm not happy." I replied, "Well, which one are you then?"



I have a phone call for you - its 1968 saying they want their joke back X)

bossyboots

I have a phone call for you - its 1968 saying they want their joke back X)


haha I still find it funny however many times I hear it! Brilliant.

Banned

There were three men who got stranded on an island. A group of cannibals found the three men and took them to their place in the tropical rainforest of an island.

The cannibals told the three men to go in the rainforest and find ten of the same fruits each. So the three of them went into the woods to get fruits. An hour later they all came back.

The first man brought ten apples.

The Cannibals told the man to push all the apples up his ass with out crying, if he did not cry, the cannibals would let him go. The man pushed five up his ass then cried. The cannibals ate him.

The second man brought ten berries. The Cannibals told him to push all the berries up his ass without laughing, and if he didn't laugh, they would let him go. The man pushed nine up his ass then laughed. The cannibals ate him.

Up in heaven the first man asked the second man, "Why did you laugh, you were so close!"

The second man says, '' I couldn't help it, the next guy came with ten pineapples. ''

Spent a few hours at the wife's grave last night.



...bless her, she still thinks I'm digging a pond !

Original Poster

I had sex with my girlfriend last night. It was going pretty good, except the entire time she was screaming someone elses name... Anyone know who rape is?

Apparently Colonel Gaddafi's gone into hiding and surrounded himself by 40 virgins, well at least we know he's not in *Birmingham* (insert the place of your choice here)

snow white thought that 7up was a drink until she met the dwarves!

Why did the baker have brown hands?

He kneaded a poo.

What's brown and sticky?

A stick.

Who is the most popular person in a hospital?

The ultrasound guy.

Who is the most popular when he is on holiday?

The hip replacement guy.

Whats black and rhymes with snoop?



Dr Dre

(This joke amuses me a lot more than it should do)

whingygit

snow white thought that 7up was a drink until she met the dwarves!



Originally "... until she discovered Smirnoff" - which made sense back then, but probably makes none these days since those Smirnoff ads don't run any more.

But to end on a more light-hearted note;

What's red and silly?


A blood clot.

Dehumanization

Why did the baker have brown hands?He kneaded a poo.




get out!



Knock knock...

(whos there)

IMAP

amount of tears I've cried over that joke :')
Edited by: "Dehumanization" 20th Apr 2011

3 pieces of string go the pub
1st piece of string goes the bar, the barman asks if he is a piece of string which he says he is. Barman says we dont serve string in here
2nd piece of string goes the bar and again barman asks if he is a piece of string so doesnt get served
3rd piece of string says "leave it to me lads"
Are you a piece of string asks the barman? String replies " No Im a frayed knot"

Dehumanization

Knock knock...(whos there)IMAP amount of tears I've cried over that joke … Knock knock...(whos there)IMAP amount of tears I've cried over that joke :')

:-/

.... Imap who?
Im a poo.

Needs to be done outloud really xD

Banned

lolled at most of these:D
but not the imap one

Banned

Dehumanization

.... Imap who?Im a poo.Needs to be done outloud really xD



aha!

Original Poster

Jack was at the country club for his weekly round of golf and what a round it was: he began with an eagle on the first hole and a birdie on two. On three, he scored his hole-in-one.
Then his mobile rang. It was his doctor, who said, "Your wife has been in a terrible accident and is in critical condition in the Intensive Care Unit." "I'll be there as soon as possible!" said Jack.... but as he hung up, he realised this may be the best round of golf of his life.
"Maybe just a couple more holes wouldn't hurt," he thought. By the time he reached his eighteenth hole, he had shattered the club record with 61! Although jubilant, he also felt guilty about ignoring his wife.
He dashed into the hospital and found the doctor in the corridor. "Doc! I got here as fast as I could. How is she?" The doctor glared at him. "You b*st*rd! You finished your round of golf, didn't you? I hope you're proud of yourself! While you were out there enjoying yourself, Annie has languished in the ICU!
For the rest of her life, she is going to require full-time medical care...... from you!" Jack felt so guilty that he broke down in tears. The doctor snickered. "Nah, just kidding! She died two hours ago. How'd you shoot?!"

Someone has discovered Sickipedia :P

This guy goes into a bar with a monkey on his shoulder and orders a beer and a whiskey, he takes a sip of Guinness and gives the monkey the whiskey. The monkey knocks back the whiskey. The guy then punches the monkey square in the face knocking it to the floor. The monkey gets up moves to the front of the guy, unzips his trousers and begins to perform oral sex on him, when finished the monkey slowly climes back on to the guys shoulder. The Barman and another customer had been watching the whole event.
The barman asks the guy if can he have a go with his monkey. The guy says no problem and places the monkey on the barman's shoulder the barman sets up the drinks as before takes a sip of the Guinness and gives the monkey the whiskey. On finishing the whiskey the barman punches the monkey who proceeds to carry out the sex act as before.
At this point the other customer comes forward and says in a shy embarrassed manner "Excuse me sir, but I have been watching your monkey, do you think it would be possible for me to try?" Once again being an obliging chap the guy says "No Problem" the customer then says "Great but there's just one condition," "What's that?" enquires the guy. "Don't hit me as hard as you hit the monkey !"

Original Poster

A man is dining in a fancy restaurant and there is a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. He has been checking her out since he sat down, but lacks the nerve to talk with her.

Suddenly she sneezes, and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket toward the man. He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air, and hands it back.

'Oh my, I am so sorry,' the woman says as she pops her eye back in place...

'Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you,' she says.

They enjoy a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards they go to the theater followed by drinks. They talk, they laugh, she shares her deepest dreams and he shares his.. She listens.

After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap and stay for breakfast. They had a wonderful, wonderful time.

The next morning, she cooks a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. The guy is amazed. Everything had been SO incredible! 'You know,' he said, 'you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?'

'No,' she replies. . .

She says: 'You just happened to catch my eye.'

What do you call a gay dinosaur??

Mega-sore-ass

Original Poster

Two men camping in the mountains had spent four days together, and they were getting a little testy.

One morning, the first friend says, "You know, we're starting to get on each other's nerves. Why don't we split up today.

I'll hike north and spend the day looking around, you hike south and spend the day. Then tonight, we'll have dinner and share our experiences over the campfire."

The second friend agrees and hikes south. The first man hikes north.

That night over dinner, the first man tells his story, "Today I hiked into a beautiful valley. I followed a stream up into a canyon and ate lunch.

Then I swam in a crystal clear mountain lake. As I sat out and dried, I watched deer come and drink from the stream. The wildflowers were filled with butterflies and hawks floated all day overhead. How was your day?"

The second friend says, "I went south and ran across a set of railroad tracks. I followed them until I came across a beautiful young woman tied to the tracks.

I cut the ropes off, gently lifted her off the tracks, and I had sex with her in every imaginable way all afternoon. Finally, when I was so tired I could barely move, I came back to camp."

"Wow!!" the first guy exclaimed, "Your day was MUCH better than mine. Did you get a bl*w j*b, too?"

"Nah," says the second friend over his meal, "I couldn't find her head."

Original Poster

two old men decide they are close to their last days and decide to have a last night on the town.
after a few drinks, they end up at the local brothel
the madam takes one look at the two old geezers and whispers to her manager, 'go up to the first two bedrooms and put an inflated doll in each bed.
these two are so old and drunk, i'm not wasting two of my girls on them. they won't know the difference.'
the manager does as he is told and the two old men go upstairs and take care of their business. as they are walking home the first man says,
'you know, i think my girl was dead!'
'dead?' says his friend, 'why do you say that?'
'well, she never moved or made a sound all the time i was loving her.' his friend says, 'could be worse i think mine was a witch.'
'a witch ??. . why the hell would you say that?'
'well, i was making love to her, kissing her on the neck, and i gave her a little bite, then she farted and flew out the window..... took my teeth with her!'

Original Poster

Top Ten Things You Wouldn't Know Without Movies

1. It is always possible to park directly outside any building you are visiting.

2. A detective can only solve a case once he has been suspended from duty.

3. If you decide to start dancing in the street, everyone you bump into will know all the steps.

4. Most laptop computers are powerful enough to override the communication systems of any invading alien civilization.

5. It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involving martial arts - your enemies will wait patiently to attack you one by one by dancing around in a threatening manner until you have knocked out their predecessors.

6. No one involved in a car chase, hijacking, explosion, volcanic eruption or alien invasion will ever go into shock.

7. When they are alone, all foreigners prefer to speak English to each other.

8. You can always find a chainsaw when you need one.

9. Any lock can be picked by a credit card or a paper clip in seconds, unless it's the door to a burning building with a child trapped inside.

10. Television news bulletins usually contain a story that affects you personally at that precise moment you turn the television on.

Original Poster

A guy has sex with his girlfriend, so she looks in the box of a dozen condoms and only sees that there are 5 left.

She asks, "What happend to rest of the condoms?" Boyfriend responds, "I masturbated into them". She says, "Oh really? guys do that". Boyfriend says, "yea definitely".

The next day next she is out with her guy friend and she tells him this story. SHe asked, "..you ever do that?" and her friend said, "hell yea all the time". She says, "Really? you jerk off into condoms?". He responds, "..Oh no I thought you meant do I ever lie to my girlfriend."
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