Jokes - e-mailed from a guy in work

    Some Jokes...possibly, well quite, sexist (sorry)..

    How do you turn a fox into an elephant?
    Marry It!

    What is the difference between a battery and a woman?
    A battery has a positive side.

    What are the three fastest means of communication?
    1) Television
    2) Telephone
    3) Telawoman

    How are fat girls and mopeds alike?
    They're both fun to ride until your friends find out.

    What should you give a woman who has everything?
    A man to show her how to work it.

    Why is the space between a woman's breasts and her hips called a waist?
    Because you could easily fit another pair of breasts in there.

    How do you make 5 pounds of fat look good?
    Put a nipple on it.

    Why do women rub their eyes when they wake up?
    Because they don't have balls to scratch.

    Why do women fake orgasms ?
    Because they think men care.

    If your wife keeps coming out of the kitchen to nag at you, what have you
    done wrong?
    Made her chain too long

    How many men does it take to open a beer?
    None. It should be opened when she brings it.

    Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
    Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably
    never be able to support you.

    Why do women have smaller feet than men?
    It's one of those 'evolutionary things' that allows them to stand closer
    to the kitchen sink.

    How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?
    When she starts a sentence with 'A man once told me...'

    How do you fix a woman's watch?
    You don't. There is a clock on the oven.

    Why do men pass gas more than women?
    Because women can't shut up long enough to build up the required

    If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the
    front door, who do you let in first?
    The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.

    What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig?
    A woman who won't do what she's told

    I married a Miss Right.
    I just didn't know her first name was Always.

    Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by
    It's called a Wedding Cake.

    Why do men die before their wives?
    They want to.

    Women will never be equal to men..
    until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and
    still think they are sexy


    "Some Jokes...possibly, well quite, sexist (sorry).."

    You mean all lol, some quite good ones though if they were twisted the other way around!!

    thanks :-) loving these.

    Ok Ladies....our turn :thumbsup::thumbsup:

    One day God called Adam to him and said: "Adam, I have some good news and some bad news. Which would you like to hear first?"
    "The good news," replied Adam.
    "Well, the good news is I gave you a ***** and a brain."
    "OK.." said Adam warily. "And what's the bad news?"
    "I only gave you enough blood to operate one at time."

    Why are men so bad at sex and driving?
    Because the b***ards always pull out with no thought of who else might be coming.

    What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name?
    You didn't hold the pillow down long enough.

    How can you tell if a man is really well hung?
    When you can just slip your finger in between his neck and the noose.

    What do men and tights have in common?
    They're both apt to cling, run, and never fit properly between your legs.

    What is the real difference between men and women?
    A woman wants one man to satisfy her every need. A man wants every woman to satisfy his one need.

    Why do men like smart, sexy women?
    Opposites attract.

    Why is psychoanalysis so much quicker for men than for women?
    Men don't need to be regressed back to their childhood.

    Why are well-dressed men always married?
    Because their wife chooses their clothes for them.

    What do you call a man with only half a brain?

    Why are men such **nkers?
    Because they have a willy with a head but no brains that hangs out with two nuts and lives next door to an assehole.

    What do a beer bottles and men have in common?
    They are both empty from the neck up.

    Why can women never find their way to a man's heart?
    Because they aim too high.

    How many honest, intelligent, caring men in the world does it take to do the dishes?
    Both of them.

    Why don't women talk during foreplay?
    They don't have enough time.

    Why does it take three million sperm to fertilize one single egg?
    Because they're too stupid to ask for directions.

    How does a man show a woman that he is planning for the future?
    He buys ten cases of beer.

    What is the difference between men and premium bonds?
    Premium bonds might mature.

    Why are most jokes so short?
    So men can remember them.

    Why is it so difficult for women to pick up men who are sensitive, caring and good looking?
    They're all gay

    What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night.
    A widow.

    Why do married women weigh more than single women?
    Single women come home and see what's in the fridge and go to bed.
    Married women come home, take one look at what's in bed and go to the fridge.

    How do you get a man to go down on a woman?
    Put the TV remote between her legs.

    What is the one thing that all men at singles bars have in common?
    They're married.

    A man once asked God: "God, why did you make woman so beautiful?"
    God answered: "So you would love her."
    "But God," the man asked, "Why did you make her so dumb?"
    God replied: "So she would love a **nker like you."

    Original Poster


    She looks like she's still brushing her hair...which i'm guessing she was doing when she crashed :whistling:
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