# JOKES! Lets have a laugh!!

Found 11th Dec 2007
The teacher asks her class, 'If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence and you shoot one of them,

how many will be left?' She calls on little TONY.

He replies, 'None, they will all fly away with the first gunshot.'

The teacher replies, 'The correct answer is 4, but I like your thinking.'

Then little TONY says, 'I have a question for YOU.

There are 3 women sitting on a bench having ice cream:

One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream.

The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone.

The third is biting off the top of the ice cream.

Which one is married?'

The teacher, blushing a great deal, replied, 'Well, I suppose the one that's gobbled down the top and sucked the cone.'

To which Little TONY replied, 'The correct answer is 'the one with the wedding ring on,' but I like your thinking.'

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Original Poster

Little TONY returns from school and says he got an F in arithmetic.

'The teacher asked 'How much is 2x3,'' I said '6', replies TONY.

'But that's right!' says his dad.

'Yeah, but then she asked me 'How much is 3x2?''

'What's the f...... difference?' asks the father.

'That's what I said!'

Original Poster

Little TONY goes to school, and the teacher says, 'Today we are going to learn multi-syllable words, class.

Does anybody have an example of a multi-syllable word?'

TONY says 'Mas-tur-bate.'

Miss Rogers smiles and says, 'Wow, little TONY, that's a mouthful.'

Little TONY says, 'No, Miss Rogers, you're thinking of a bj.'

Original Poster

Little TONY was sitting in class one day.

All of a sudden, he needed to go to the bathroom.

He yelled out, 'Miss Jones, I need to take a ****!!'

The teacher replied, 'Now, TONY, that is NOT the proper word to use in this situation.

The correct word you want to use is 'urinate.'

Please use the word 'ur-i-nate' in a sentence correctly, and I will allow you to go.'

Little TONY, thinks for a bit, and then says, 'You're an eight, but if you had bigger boobs, you'd be a TEN!'

Original Poster

One day, during lessons on proper grammar, the teacher asked for a show of hands from those who could use the word 'beautiful' in the same sentence twice.

First, she called on little Suzie, who responded with, 'My father bought my mother a beautiful dress and she looked beautiful in it.'

'Very good, Suzie,' replied the teacher. She then called on little Michael.

'My mommy planned a beautiful banquet and it turned out beautifully.'

She said, 'Excellent, Michael!' Then the teacher reluctantly called on little TONY.

'Last night at the dinner table, my sister told my father that she was pregnant, and he said 'Beautiful, just f...... beautiful!''

Original Poster

Little TONY was sitting on a park bench munching on one candy bar after another.

After the 6th one a man on the bench across from him said, 'Son, you know eating all that candy isn't good for you.

It will give you acne, rot your teeth, and make you fat.'

Little TONY replied, 'My grandfather lived to be 107 years old.'

The man asked, 'Did your grandfather eat 6 candy bars at a time?'

I think someone has an obsession with little tony :roll:....

A teacher is explaining biology to her 4th grade students. “Human beings are the only animals that stutter,” she says. Little Johnny raises his hand. “I had a kitty-cat who stuttered,” he volunteered.

The teacher, knowing how precious some of these stories could become, asked young Johnny to describe the incident.

“Well,” he began, “I was in the back yard with my kitty and the Rottweiler that lives next door got a running start and before we knew it, he jumped over the fence into our yard!

“That must’ve been scary,” said the teacher.

“It sure was!” said Johnny. “My kitty raised his back, went ‘Fffff, Fffff, Fffff’… and before he could say “F*ck”, the Rottweiler ate him!”

all of these are hilarious!!!! espeically like the first ice-cream one!!! great stuff. but would jhave personally thought the married woman was the one biting the icecream. lol

What has 90 balls and fleeces old women?

Bingo.

husband to wife.
we should start washing your knickers in slim fast it might make your fat a**e thinner,next day he put on his pants and they are covered in powder he says to wife,did u put talc powder in them?
no she said its f*****g miracle grow!

lol great jokes all, funny, although pciking on Little Tony all the time is tantamount to bullying y'know.

Regards
Tony hehehehehehehe

rooster and cat goin over the bridge cat slips and falls in river
roster cant stop laughing!
whats the moral of the story?
where there's a wet p***y there's a happy c**k

What do you call Postman Pat when he's retired?

Pat.

What do you call a boomerang that doesn't come back?

A stick.

What do you call a fly with no wings?

A walk

What do you call a man with a seagull on his head?
Cliff.

What do you call a man with a spade in his head?
Doug

What do you call a man who has been buried for a hundred years?
Pete

What do you call a man lying down in your doorway?
Matt

What do you call a man with no shins?
Neil.

What do you call a woman with one leg?
Eileen

ROFL :giggle::giggle::giggle: Touche (with an acute on the e which I don't know how to do on the keyboard).

There was an old man from Calcutta,
who was having a **** in the gutter.
a woman walked by
got spunk in her eye
and thought it was Irelands best butter

Can u give me a hand at the weekend? we're trying to make worlds biggest pancake. We've got plenty cooks, we just need a tosser!

Lulu'sMammy;1336279

Little TONY was sitting in class one day.All of a sudden, he needed to go … Little TONY was sitting in class one day.All of a sudden, he needed to go to the bathroom.He yelled out, 'Miss Jones, I need to take a ****!!'The teacher replied, 'Now, TONY, that is NOT the proper word to use in this situation.The correct word you want to use is 'urinate.'Please use the word 'ur-i-nate' in a sentence correctly, and I will allow you to go.'Little TONY, thinks for a bit, and then says, 'You're an eight, but if you had bigger boobs, you'd be a TEN!'

i just dont get this one *confused*

What's orange and sounds like a parrot?

A carrot.

Banned

Cyrus;1533383

i just dont get this one *confused*

He used the word "urinate" - You're an eight" - which is all he had to do!

A man kiils a deer & takes it home to cook for dinner but doesn't tell the kids what it is.
The kids ask " what is it ?"
" i'll give you a clue " he replies "Its what mum calls me sometimes"
The little girl screams "Don't eat it, its a f***ing a**ehole"

Farmer Giles gets a phone call from his assistant
"I've ran over a pig with the tractor,what shall i do?"
"don't worry" he says "just clear it up & dump it in the bushes"
After about 5 minutes he gets another call " what shall i do now?"
"Have you done what i said" Farmer Giles replies
"Yes! but what shall i do with the speeding camera"

Pat and Mick landed themselves a job at a sawmill. Just before morning tea Pat yelled: "Mick! I lost me finger!" "Have you now?" says Mick. "And how did you do it?" "I just touched this big spinning thing here like thi... Darn! There goes another one!"

A passerby watched two Irishmen in a park. One was digging holes and the other was immediately filling them in again.
"Tell me," said the passerby, "What on earth are you doing?"
"Well," said the digger,"Usually there are three of us. I dig, Paddy plants the tree and Mick fills in the hole. Today Paddy is off ill, but that doesn't mean Mick and I get the day off, does it?"

A man was sitting on a blanket at the beach. He had no arms and no
legs.
Three women were walking past and felt very sorry for the poor man.

The first woman said "Have you ever had a hug?"
The man said "No," so she gave him a hug and walked on.

The second woman said "Have you ever had a kiss?"
The man said "No," so she gave him a kiss and walked on.

The third woman walked over to him and whispered in his ear "Have you
ever been f****d?"

The fellow looked up in amazement and said "No"
She said "You will be when the tide comes in"

little tony is great!

Burying Goldfish

Little Tim was in the garden filling in a hole when his neighbor peered over the fence. Interested in what the cheeky-faced youngster was up to, he politely asked, "What are you up to there, Tim?"
"My goldfish died," replied Tim tearfully, without looking up, "and I've just buried him."
The neighbor was concerned, "That's an awfully big hole for a goldfish, isn't it?"
Tim patted down the last heap of earth then replied, "That's because he's inside your stupid cat."

Dancing Duck

A circus owner walked into a bar to see everyone crowded about a table watching a little show. On the table was an upside down pot and a duck tap dancing on it. The circus owner was so impressed that he offered to buy the duck from its owner. After some wheeling and dealing, they settled for £10,000 for the duck and the pot.

Three days later the circus owner runs back to the bar in anger, "Your duck is a ripoff! I put him on the pot before a whole audience, and he didn't dance a single step!"

"So?" asked the ducks former owner, "did you remember to light the candle under the pot?"

Man goes to visit the doctor complaining his "manhood" has turned yellow, the doctor asks if he works with any chemicals?

No, I don't work was the reply.

Doctor then asks if he has been doing anything out of the ordinary or different?

To which the doctor asks what do you do with your time?

Man replies I sit and watch porn all day eating wotsits

A blonde went to the appliance store sale and found a bargain. "I would like to buy this TV," she told the salesman.

"Sorry, we don't sell to blondes," he replied.

She hurried home and dyed her hair, then came back and again told the
salesman "I would like to buy this TV."

"Sorry, we don't sell to blondes," he replied.

"Darn, he recognized me," she thought. She went for a complete disguise this time, haircut and new color, new outfit, big sunglasses, then waited a few days before she again approached the salesman. "I would like to buy this TV."

"Sorry, we don't sell to blondes," he replied. Frustrated, she exclaimed "How do you know I'm a blonde?"

"Because that's a microwave," he replied.

Rugby (as it's topical at the moment:whistling:)

England are so disappointed after losing to Wales that they sack their coach and get a new one. On his first day at training the new coach says to the players, "OK, go stand where you normally do when you're playing rugby", so the players walk over & stand behind the posts.

(Stands back & waits to get shot down....:giggle:)

Patient: "Doctor, doctor! I feel like a pair of curtains!"

Doctor: "That's the least of your problems... You have AIDS."

Two guys are in a strip joint, one is sitting in front of the other. A woman comes on stage and starts stripping. The guy in back, Paul, says, "Oh yeah, Oh yeah!"

Then the first guy turns around and says, " Hey Paul, shut up!"

Then two women come out and start stripping. Paul, once again, starts, "Yeah baby..mmmm....yeah!"

Once again the guy in front turns around and tells Paul to be quiet. So three women come out and start stripping. Paul is silent.

The guy in front says, "Hey Paul, where's all your excitement now?"

Paul says, "All over your back!"

What did the fish say when it swam into a wall?

Dam.

What's invisible and smells of carrots?

Rabbit farts.

Alex Ferguson calls Beckham into his office.

'David', he says, 'I need to talk to you about your performance against Leeds the other night, you were blo*dy hopeless, completely off form.'

'Sorry boss', says David. 'I've not been myself lately. I've got a few problems at home.'

'Oh dear' says Fergie, 'Whats up? posh & the kids Ok?'

'Oh, they're fine, it's just that something is really bugging me and I'm losing sleep and everything. I can't concentrate on my football and it's really messing me head up.' 'Whatever's the matter?' says fergie 'Well boss, It's pretty serious. Victoria bought this jigsaw puzzle the other day and.........'

'A JIGSAW??' shouts Sir Alex. 'You're playing sh*t because of a blo*dy jigsaw?' 'Yeah boss, but you don't understand, it's really doing me head in!' says David, 'It's really hard, it's this picture of a Tiger and it looks really easy on the box and I'm sure i've got all the bits and everything but I just can't get it right and it's doing my head in and, and.........'

'David, David, David' says Fergie, 'You better get a grip son and quick.'

'Ok boss, but.............It's this picture of a Tiger and it looks really easy on the box and i'm sure i've got all the bits and everything but I can't do it and it's doing my head in and.......and....it's a Tiger and it looks easy but it's really hard and er, it's a Tiger and everything, er... on the box...er.....sorry boss.' 'Ok, Ok' says Sir Alex, 'bring in the blo*dy jigsaw and let's have a look shall we. It can't be that difficult'. 'Thanks boss.' says David.

So Becks brings in the jigsaw and takes it to Fergies office. 'Here it is boss' he says, showing Ferguson the picture on the box, 'look boss, it's a Tiger right, and it's a really good picture and everything but I just can't do it and it's really hard and its doing my head in and everything..'

Becks empties all the pieces from the box all over Fergies desk. Sir Alex looks at whats on the desk, looks up with his head in his hands and says to Beckham........

'Put the Frosties back in the box David'............

A wife asks her Husband for £ 3000 for a breast enlargment, smiling he says "no problem,I'll give you the money in a weeks time,but you dont really need that expensive surgery."
"Why's that ?" asks the wife
"If you get some tissue paper and rub it between your breasts twice a day,I guarantee they will be bigger in a weeks time"
The deal is struck and the wife diligently carries out her task twice a day.
A week passes with no visible signs of improvement and so she approaches her husband and asks for the money which he hands over without question.
Confused,the wife asks her husband why he thought for one moment that rubbing tissue paper between her breasts would make them bigger, to which the husband replied.........

"I thought it would work,Just look at what its done to your @rse !!!"