Lines to remember ..............

    1.. My husband and I divorced over religious differences, He thought he was God and I didn't.

    2.. I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.

    3.. Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them.

    4.. I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.

    5.. Don't take life too seriously; No one gets out alive.

    6.. You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me

    7.. Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.

    8.. Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.

    9.. I'm not a complete idiot -- Some parts are just missing.

    10.. Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.

    11.. NyQuil, the stuffy, sneezy, why-the-heck-is-the-room-spinning medicine.

    12.. God must love stupid people; He made so many.

    13.. The gene pool could use a little chlorine.

    14.. Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.

    15. Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?

    16.. Being "over the hill" is much better than being under it!

    17.. Wrinkled Was Not One of the Things I Wanted to Be When I Grew up.

    18... Procrastinate Now!

    19.. I Have a Degree in Liberal Arts; Do You Want Fries With That?

    20.. A hangover is the wrath of grapes.

    21.. A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance

    22.. Stupidity is not a handicap. Park elsewhere!

    23.. They call it PMS because Mad Cow Disease was already taken

    24.. He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless DEAD.

    25.. A picture is worth a thousand words, but it uses up three thousand times the memory.

    26.. Ham and eggs.A day's work for a chicken, a lifetime commitment for a pig.

    27.. The trouble with life is there's no background music.

    28.. The original point and click interface was a Smith & Wesson.

    29.. I smile because I don't know what the hell is going on.

    Don't you just love No. 23


    JACK (age 3) was watching his mum breast-feeding his new baby sister. After a while he asked: "Mum why have you got two? Is one for hot and one for cold milk?"

    MELANIE (age 5) asked her Granny how old she was. Granny replied she was so old she didn't remember any more. Melanie said, "If you don't remember you must look in the back of your panties. Mine say five to six."

    STEVEN (age 3) hugged and kissed his mum good night. "I love you so much that when you die I'm going to bury you outside my bedroom window."

    BRITTANY (age 4) had an earache and wanted a pain killer. She tried in vain to take the lid off the bottle. Seeing her frustration, her mum explained it was a child-proof cap and she'd have to open it for her. Eyes wide with wonder, the little girl asked: "How does it know it's me?"

    SUSAN (age 4) was drinking juice when she got the hiccups. "Please don't give me this juice again," she said, "It makes my teeth cough."

    DJ (age 4) stepped onto the bathroom scale and asked: "How much do I cost?"

    MARC (age 4) was engrossed in a young couple that were hugging and kissing in a restaurant. Without taking his eyes off them, he asked his dad: "Why is he whispering in her mouth?"

    CLINTON (age 5) was in his bedroom looking worried. When his mum asked what was troubling him, he replied, "I don't know what'll happen with this bed when I get married. How will my wife fit in?"

    JAMES (age 4) was listening to a Bible story His dad read: "The man named Lot was warned to take his wife and flee out of the city but his wife looked back and was turned to salt." Concerned, James asked: "What happened to the flea?"

    TAMMY (age 4) was with her mother when they met an elderly, rather wrinkled woman her mum knew. Tammy looked at her for a while and then asked, "Why doesn't your skin fit your face?"

    The Sermon I think this mum will never forget.... this particular Sunday sermon..."Dear Lord," the minister began, with arms extended toward heaven and a rapturous look on his up turned face. "Without you, we are but dust..." He would have continued but at that moment my very obedient daughter who was listening leaned over to me and asked quite audibly in her shrill little four year old girl voice, "Mum, what is butt dust?"



    Ted Nugent, rock star and avid bow hunter from Michigan, was being interviewed by a French journalist and animal rights activist.

    The discussion came around to deer hunting. The journalist asked, "What do you think is the last thought in the head of a deer before you shoot him? Is it, 'Are you my friend?' or is it 'Are you the one who killed my brother?' "

    Nugent replied, "Deer aren't capable of that kind of thinking. All they care about is, what am I going to eat next, when am I going to get sex again, and can I run fast enough to get away. They are very much like the French."

    The interview ended at that point.


    I feel like my body has gotten totally out of shape, so I got my doctor's permission to join a fitness club and start exercising.
    I decided to take an aerobics class for seniors.
    I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up and down, and perspired for an hour.
    But, by the time I got my leotards on, the class was over.


    I like No. 29 :-D

    no.3 cracks me up, because its true! :viking:


    no.3 cracks me up, because its true! :viking:

    that a bit harsh don't you think!!!


    that a bit harsh don't you think!!!

    you just keep smiling :giggle:


    you just keep smiling :giggle:

    What ae you implying?!??! :-D

    Come to think of it I do smile loads!!! :whistling:
    like No. 5 hehehehe

    3, 13, 23, 26 all great ones.

    Rep for OP for making me laugh

    No.2 for me lol


    very funny made me chuckle love No 23

    They are excellent and quite a few I hadnt seen or heard before, which is genuinely a novellty.

    Great Stuff

    Brilliant. Thanks for making me smile :giggle::giggle::giggle:

    LOL Very funny and a true return to form for the now famous OP.

    I can call in the search parties now and get DEFRA to issue the safety notice to farmers so they can put the sheep back out to graze.

    Looking forward to my morning smile again and wishing taasda the very best for the future.

    Take care now

    my wife thinks that number 1 is defo for us!!!!class
    Welcome back. I've missed you.
    I'm thinking about the response to 23!
    Obviously it'll take a while because it's that time and it's not so easy to think and grind your teeth very noisily at the same time (and shriek at the computer for making typing errors) .


    I'm thinking about the response to 23! Obviously it'll take a while … I'm thinking about the response to 23! Obviously it'll take a while because it's that time and it's not so easy to think and grind your teeth very noisily at the same time (and shriek at the computer for making typing errors) .

    :giggle::giggle: very good!!! :-D

    no. 19 - I have 2 of them, and working towards my 3 - confirms what I always knew - I should've left school at 16. i would be earning money rather than spending it and wouldn't have had to pay a fortune for the privilege to be poor!

    I like the things children say - the 'butt dust' one made us laugh!:-D

    butt dust was my favourite too....welcome return taasda, you make my mornings just a little more bearable.
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