Groups

    losing a relative...but its complicated

    my grandad is in critical care today.... kidney failure, pneumonia and weak heart so basically its anytime he can go. went to se him and he was struggling on machines so was hard to see. but the thing is that there has been famly tensions for a long time as he has given my parents a lot of grief over money. its a lot to do with the rest of the fam being jealous and my grandmother pushing him like that,

    thing is its awful to see someone like that and my dad is pretty upset as at the end of the day..its is dad. grandad doesnt wana see my dad either.

    just dont know how i feel. really weird . anyone been in a similar situation.

    tbh i dunno why im posting this.... literally got in... hubby doesnt really understand cos as far as he is concerned hes not btohered as grandad has not been involved or bothered about us... family situation was too polititcal. its not like i have awesome memories... but then its someone dying.... and its my dads dad..,..

    like i said i dunno why im posting this!

    49 Comments

    sorry to hear this hun big hugs,

    Original Poster

    thanks jen.... speaking to hubby..its jus weird and feel awful for dad....think its shick after coming back from hosp and seeing him on machines ..and basically shuting down in front of me.

    i do it's hard thers allsorts going through your mind all the "what if's" and the "you dont understands" you will need time to accept this loss and try to get your mind round it all i can say is its hard at first but it will get easier and you may understand why eventualy but it will always confuse you as it does with most "me included" life is a strange thing to behold and hurts like hell when lost my heart is with you and ill prey

    aw hun, hope ur ok, we all here to support u in any way poss!if u ever wanna chat, find me on here, facebook or msn.love and hugs!xxx

    Wish I could think of something to say that might help. The only thing that comes to mind was my experience when my father died. I'd never loved him (he was a very difficult man) and up till that point (when he was critically ill) I'd not wanted to see him. When someone is close to dying it sort of makes us evaluate what has gone on and that does feel very confusing and upsetting. All I can say is that it will get better and easier although I know that doesn't really help. I'll be thinking of you.

    my wife lost her great gran some time ago when she was in the final stages she was muttering things under her breath before she passed away , the chaplin said that she was tying up lose ends and making her peace before she went i am not a religeous person but for that generation it made sence i think they will both regret not trying to make peace with each other before he passes away. hope this helps, x x

    its nice to be able to get it off your chest and there are some really nice people on here who may be going through or have gone through a similar experience I hope you find peace. But I will say I think you dad should go see him even if its just to make him feel better and I am sure in time to come he will feel better because he did not, never mind about everyone else, even if you dad does not go, you go

    we have lot of this stuff going on in my family. my Mum died at 39 and my Mum and dad and me and sis and brother never spoke to her side of the family . but when she died we had to speak to them. then soon fell out again.

    Hello Magicbeans, sorry to hear about your Grandad.
    I can understand this to some degree.
    Some people are lucky to have a close extended family and others not.
    My extended family fall into the latter, I rarely ever see my aunties uncles etc ... there has been alot of fall outs, backstabbing etc etc, my mum had a sort off on/off relationship with her mother - not by choice, but i guess my mum always felt like the younger siblings were loved more by her mum than her.
    My mum always wanted a happy realtionship with her mum but it didn't always happen.
    Anyways, my gran was on her last days a few years back and it was my gran's wish that all her children should be around her near the end, and they were.
    I hope your grandad will change his mind, it would be such a shame for your dad if he didn't. This might be his last chance to make amends and say goodbye.

    I have been through a similar experience, and it is a really wierd feeling, because it's hard to know what exactly you are feeling. My husband bless him didn't know what to say so he didn't say much at all.
    All I can suggest is that you just do whatever you feel is right for you.
    Take care hun and if you need to chat just pm me.

    Banned

    It is awful when there are family tensions, when my grandad passed away 18 months ago his two daughters (my mum and auntie) and my uncle hadn't spoken to him for a long time.

    My uncle hadn't spoken to him for 25 year's and my auntie probably hadn't also.

    My mum hadn't spoken to him for about 15 year's, he was a bad father in lot's of ways.

    It was very difficult though because all of these family members hadn't spoken to their mum (my gran) and each other for a long time too.

    It was difficult letting people know he was dying and asking them to support gran.

    My mum and auntie still haven't spoken to gran but my uncle has been amazing and visits her twice a week.

    I go when I can because she lives 28 miles away from me.

    Banned

    nothing to say really ( very unlike me) except you all have to do what is right for each and every one of you, this is one those times you cant put anything right later down the line xxx

    Original Poster

    raptorcigs;2060904

    i do it's hard thers allsorts going through your mind all the "what if's" … i do it's hard thers allsorts going through your mind all the "what if's" and the "you dont understands" you will need time to accept this loss and try to get your mind round it all i can say is its hard at first but it will get easier and you may understand why eventualy but it will always confuse you as it does with most "me included" life is a strange thing to behold and hurts like hell when lost my heart is with you and ill prey



    i am very confused.... ur right..it hurts as well.... realy weird.

    Leer;2060905

    aw hun, hope ur ok, we all here to support u in any way poss!if u ever … aw hun, hope ur ok, we all here to support u in any way poss!if u ever wanna chat, find me on here, facebook or msn.love and hugs!xxx



    thanks hun x

    Susannah;2060911

    Wish I could think of something to say that might help. The only thing … Wish I could think of something to say that might help. The only thing that comes to mind was my experience when my father died. I'd never loved him (he was a very difficult man) and up till that point (when he was critically ill) I'd not wanted to see him. When someone is close to dying it sort of makes us evaluate what has gone on and that does feel very confusing and upsetting. All I can say is that it will get better and easier although I know that doesn't really help. I'll be thinking of you.



    i was hoping the fact he was dying grandad wud wana resolve things...but he is so anti my dad that he doesn want him to visit him. dad dd come and see him from afar but grandad was getting worked up when i mentioned dad.... !

    ding;2060916

    my wife lost her great gran some time ago when she was in the final … my wife lost her great gran some time ago when she was in the final stages she was muttering things under her breath before she passed away , the chaplin said that she was tying up lose ends and making her peace before she went i am not a religeous person but for that generation it made sence i think they will both regret not trying to make peace with each other before he passes away. hope this helps, x x



    hoping that things do work out.... u never know i guess... just awful though

    octobergirl;2060922

    its nice to be able to get it off your chest and there are some really … its nice to be able to get it off your chest and there are some really nice people on here who may be going through or have gone through a similar experience I hope you find peace. But I will say I think you dad should go see him even if its just to make him feel better and I am sure in time to come he will feel better because he did not, never mind about everyone else, even if you dad does not go, you go.



    i have been.... kinda hits home when u see someone like that...

    do agree that ppl on here are nice.

    thanks for all ur kind words

    Original Poster

    o gosh there is a lot of support here hey..glad im not theonly one who has been in this situation thanks everyone.... juicy, dlm,caz,sasie, sherif.

    be good if they COULD make amends but even when dad went the rest of fam were there and my grandma started telling dad to go away! its mental.. they r messed up and i really despise them.... they have made divided the family for money and grandad is still like that..... i blame grandma more so... she feeds the fire big time... its tragic seeing it end like this. dad looked lost weh we got back from hosp (dropped mum off)..although he had gone earlier and sat afar... he was trying to get on with work but u cud see he was not into it...so weird.

    hugs magicbean xxx

    Hello magicbeans.

    I lost both of my parents a few years ago but we never had any tension like that in our family. It really doesn't matter what ANYONE says, no words bring your loved ones back. In the darkest hours of loss you don't want to hear what anyone has to say and you don't care. All I can say is try and be strong even if its just for your dad. I guarantee your dad will be in bits when his old man goes. As you say, its still his dad. Your dad is going to need someone to just simply talk to in the months ahead. Try not to dwell on what has happend in the past, when you look back on life you always wish you'd said that or done this but its always too late! That's what death teaches you.... Life is over soooo quick! i'm probably wasting my breath here and i don't mean that to sound nasty, its just that it takes death to touch you to make you realise that life is rushing by and you haven't done half of what you thought you would but, LIVE LIFE! Its the most precious gift you will EVER recieve and your Grandfather for all his faults, gave you your life through your father.

    Hope things go smoothly for you.

    Original Poster

    awww..... didnt wanna make a separate thread ..was gonna post on a chatty thread but didnt wana bring that thread down..thing is ii dunno if i AM down... im just feeling ODD! and sad... and confused! so bizzare!
    its jus a sad state of affairs

    Banned

    magicbeans;2060979

    awww..... didnt wanna make a separate thread ..was gonna post on a chatty … awww..... didnt wanna make a separate thread ..was gonna post on a chatty thread but didnt wana bring that thread down..thing is ii dunno if i AM down... im just feeling ODD! and sad... and confused! so bizzare!its jus a sad state of affairs



    There's a lot of people that understand, unfortunately we can't choose our family.

    I love all my family but they are very complicated.

    Original Poster

    Blasphemous;2060977

    Hello magicbeans.I lost both of my parents a few years ago but we never … Hello magicbeans.I lost both of my parents a few years ago but we never had any tension like that in our family. It really doesn't matter what ANYONE says, no words bring your loved ones back. In the darkest hours of loss you don't want to hear what anyone has to say and you don't care. All I can say is try and be the strong even if its just for your dad. I guarantee your dad will be in bits when his old man goes. As you say, its still his dad. Your dad is going to need someone to just simply talk to in the months ahead. Try not to dwell on what has happend in the past, when you look back on life you always wish you'd said that or done this but its always too late! That's what death teaches you.... Life is over soooo quick! i'm probably wasting my breath here and i don't mean that to sound nasty, its just that it takes death to touch you to make you realise that life is rushing by and you haven't done half of what you thought you would but, LIVE LIFE! Its the most precious gift you will EVER recieve and your Grandfather for all his faults, gave you your life through your father.sorry to hear about ur parents. u make sense what u say... ultimately thru blood he is my grandad..hence some feelings......will defo be there for dad..... dont bad mouth grandad to him.... try to make out he alright as he smiles when u say nice things about him.... ur not wsting ur breath. i appreciate ur advice. :)Hope things go smoothly for you.

    Original Poster

    dlm.... my dads side are awful..... have zero contact with them..its all politics between the mum and dad and bro and sis...even now in hosp they r at anti my dad and acting cliquey! idiots!

    Have pmd you magicbeans

    Banned

    magicbeans;2061009

    dlm.... my dads side are awful..... have zero contact with them..its all … dlm.... my dads side are awful..... have zero contact with them..its all politics between the mum and dad and bro and sis...even now in hosp they r at anti my dad and acting cliquey! idiots!



    Tell your dad how you feel, that you feel in the middle.

    I don't know what to say to my mum's side of the family most of the time because there is so much debris from the past.

    Why not get your Dad to write him a letter telling him how he feels,you could read it to him when your Grans not around.
    Let him know how your Dad feels about him.
    I lost my Dad in July last year,we never got on at all,too much alike i`m told but i still loved him and got the chance to tell him that i loved him before he died,and i`m sure it healed the rift between us.
    It was`nt until he was gone that i realised he was a Great Man who worked very hard to bring up me and my 6 brothers and sister,i really took him for granted.
    Don`t let your Dad make that mistake if you can help it.
    I really hope it works out for you.

    have pm u hun

    You're welcome.

    Banned

    I'm off to bed now because it has been a long and emotional day.

    Sweet dreams to all the nice people on here.

    My thoughts are with you magicbeans and the little girl's family.

    Catch you tomorrow x x

    night dim.x

    all my sympathy's with you, hope all is well in the end magicbeans... nyt nyt

    ok guys, il be back later, going to watch a film online-magicbeans try and get some rest, chat to u later if im still up otherwise chat to u tomorrow.love and hugs!xxx

    night night 4241mackay

    hello leer

    [COLOR="Magenta"]Big Hugs xx[/COLOR]

    Hey Magicbeans
    Sorry to hear your story, hope I'm not intruding but I think that if I were in our position I would make peace with your grandfather - after all, when is there a better time to make peace? I think that your dad would be grateful to know that his daughter (? I assume your are femail) has contact that he could not have with his father, I know that if I was in your father's position I would like to know that at least one of my children had contact with my parent in that situation, I think it would almost be as if it was me through them. Sorry I know it is a bit deep and meaningful for such a late hour, but keep it up with your grandad, he no doubt loves you and cherishes your visits.

    Good Luck

    hey juicy!!!xxxx. right im off to watch a film!!chat to u all later.x

    Original Poster

    thanks or all ur support...i feel tons better....

    i have made effort with grandad... he never saw my kids ... cos of situation have not spoken to him in years but i wasnt evil when i saw him... let that all be... grandads negativity to dad is too deep rooted and he is still egged on by the other fam. its pathetic

    thanks anyways guys. ur lovely.

    The old saying 'you can choose your friends but can't choose your family' is an appropriate one!

    Whether this is relevent or not I don't know.........my hubby has been estranged from his parents for over 20 years,his brother too(been estranged from their parents that is,not each other).

    Just over a year ago,a couple of days after xmas he got a call from his brother to say that their father had died,it was sudden and unexpected.His parents lived in Spain which complicated things further.The last time he had seen his parents was when his grandad passed away 14 years earlier and things were decidedly frosty(wills and money were also an issue but I won't go into that).

    He came home from work and phoned his Mum who was understandably distraught and told her he would be there as soon as possible.We sourced the soonest flight we could which was from Gatwick the next morning,so no sleep for me that night as I made the round trip from Lancashire to drop him off!!
    His brother could not make it out there until 3 days later and he felt that he should be there for his Mum.

    Basically it was a very difficult time,for many years he has resented the fact that his parents were quite selfish people and did not always do what was best for their children but what suited themselves......he also believes that his father did not really ever love him and now he is no longer here I guess he will never find out otherwise now.

    He does still have contact with his Mum,though it will always be difficult and strained.What he did though,by going out to Spain to support his Mum was his duty,he did it because he knows and believes it was the right thing to do,however difficult it was always going to be.....and he still struggles with the headf*ck of it all and will probaly always do so.

    But despite all of this he has gained,he has gained an aunt and uncle who he also had no contact with,his fathers sister and her husband.Both his brother and himself believed that they did not want anything to do with their nephews but it has transpired that this is so far from the truth.Through the death of his father he has gained some new family and his aunt has gained 2 nephews and it is wonderful that this has happened.

    You can only do what you think is the right thing for the right reasons,misunderstandings can cause great rifts in families and it is probably more common than we think,sadly.Only through strength, honesty,integrity and communication can these rifts be resolved.

    I hope and wish that there are enough people on all sides in your family who are willing to hold out the olive branch.Good things can come from sad events.

    My thoughts are with you at this difficult time:)

    sorry to hear, always tough when someone's dying... family problems only make it worse...

    hope things get better for you all soon

    [COLOR="Magenta"]MorningMagic beans xxx I hope your ok xxx[/COLOR]

    sorry missed this thread yesterday love to u magicbeans x

    I too have been though something like this with my late father-in-law. I bit my tounge and did what was my duty but it was extremely hard and was even worse than your situation as it had to be kept secret that he was dying and even buried from his sisters.
    It took my husband and I a long time to get over the madness of it all.
    My prayers are with you magicbeans x
    Post a comment
    Avatar
    @
      Text
      Top Discussions
      1. Are these two things distinctly different to you?2485
      2. 'Hard' Brexit offers '£135bn annual boost' to economy - BBC News1017
      3. So, whose already pre-ordered a Scorpio and where from?917
      4. 75% off Sky TV for existing customers. Only works when you call the specifi…17416151

      See more discussions