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    Morning Humour!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    Morning All!!!!!

    If your like me, at work and bored already. Some of these statements will put a smile on your face!!!!!!!

    Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are flat?

    Why do banks charge a fee on 'insufficient funds' when they know there is not enough?

    Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?

    Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?

    Whose idea was it to put an 'S' in the word 'lisp'?

    What is the speed of darkness?

    Why is it that people say they 'slept like a baby' when babies wake up every two hours?

    Are there specially reserved parking spaces for 'normal' people at the Special Olympics?

    If the temperature is zero outside today and it's going to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold will it be?

    How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?

    Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?


    Did you ever stop and wonder.......

    Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, 'I think I'll squeeze
    these pink dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out?'

    Who was the first person to say, 'See that chicken there... I'm gonna eat the next thing that comes outta it's bum.'

    Why do toasters always have a setting so high that could burn the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?

    Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?

    Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don't point to their bum when they ask where the bathroom is?

    Why does your Obstetrician, Gynaecologist leave the room when you get undressed if they are going to look there anyway?

    Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs !

    If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?

    If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, then what is baby oil made from?

    If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?

    Why do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?

    Stop singing and read on.......

    Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?

    Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him on a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?

    Does pushing the elevator button more than once make it arrive faster?

    19 Comments

    Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are flat?
    hahaha :lol:

    The O doesn't work on my sky remote & it is slowly driving me round the twist!!!:prop:

    Your lucky to have a job.
    Especially one where you can surf the net.
    I wish I had one.
    Wanna swap. :thumbsup:

    Original Poster

    snowtiger;3503651

    Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are … Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are flat? hahaha :lol:The O doesn't work on my sky remote & it is slowly driving me round the twist!!!:prop:



    lol...I know what you mean! Dont you just hate it when one button doesnt want to work!!!! I end up going closer to the TV, praying that it will work!:oops:

    Original Poster

    Jumpingphil;3503686

    Your lucky to have a job.Especially one where you can surf the net.I wish … Your lucky to have a job.Especially one where you can surf the net.I wish I had one.Wanna swap. :thumbsup:



    Sure lets swap!!! But i should warn you...The people i work with are as if they've come from the dead. No one talks, its as if its a sin to talk :whistling: Its driving me mad. Thank god I'm leaving next friday! The only bad thing is at the moment i dont have another Job lined up!!!!!!!!

    Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?

    Did they? To stop them hurting their head inside the cockpit?

    Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?

    I don't. They're are not four billion stars and I only check paint to see if it is STILL wet - with a single finger - if it is I am cautious...

    Whose idea was it to put an 'S' in the word 'lisp'?

    It would be 'lip' otherwise and that's a completely different word!

    What is the speed of darkness?

    Darkness does not have an energy it is simply the absence of energy. It may have a speed but not in a way that modern physics understands...

    If the temperature is zero outside today and it's going to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold will it be?

    To say twice as cold is a comparison between previous temperatures. If the temperature is 5 degrees today it is meaningless to say it is going to be twice as cold tomorrow - it wouldn't be 2.5 degrees! If it was 10 degrees and fell to 0 degrees you could say that the temperature will fall twice as quickly.


    Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, 'I think I'll squeeze these pink dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out?'

    People probably observed baby cows feeding and figured it came in larger quantities from bigger animals than us?

    Who was the first person to say, 'See that chicken there... I'm gonna eat the next thing that comes outta it's bum.'

    We probably observed this in nature - other animals eating eggs?

    Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?

    It would destroy a traditional bulb VERY quickly!

    Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don't point to their bum when they ask where the bathroom is?

    Who's been smoking all the drugs?

    If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, then what is baby oil made from?

    Liquid paraffin.

    If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?

    Again. Where did all the drugs go?

    Does pushing the elevator button more than once make it arrive faster?

    No.

    Original Poster

    [email protected];3503794

    Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?Did they? To stop them hurting their … Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?Did they? To stop them hurting their head inside the cockpit?Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?I don't. They're are not four billion stars and I only check paint to see if it is STILL wet - with a single finger - if it is I am cautious...Whose idea was it to put an 'S' in the word 'lisp'?It would be 'lip' otherwise and that's a completely different word!What is the speed of darkness? Darkness does not have an energy it is simply the absence of energy. It may have a speed but not in a way that modern physics understands...If the temperature is zero outside today and it's going to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold will it be? To say twice as cold is a comparison between previous temperatures. If the temperature is 5 degrees today it is meaningless to say it is going to be twice as cold tomorrow - it wouldn't be 2.5 degrees! If it was 10 degrees and fell to 0 degrees you could say that the temperature will fall twice as quickly.Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, 'I think I'll squeeze these pink dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out?'People probably observed baby cows feeding and figured it came in larger quantities from bigger animals than us?Who was the first person to say, 'See that chicken there... I'm gonna eat the next thing that comes outta it's bum.' We probably observed this in nature - other animals eating eggs?Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer? It would destroy a traditional bulb VERY quickly! :)Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don't point to their bum when they ask where the bathroom is?Who's been smoking all the drugs?If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, then what is baby oil made from?Liquid paraffin.If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?Again. Where did all the drugs go?Does pushing the elevator button more than once make it arrive faster?No.



    Why thank you!!!!!!!!....Finally found some1 who seems to have more free time then me!....Now i have no reason to live!!! You've just answered all my unanswered questions. Unless i find a new mission in life then its not looking good

    Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are flat? Because it usually works.

    Why do banks charge a fee on 'insufficient funds' when they know there is not enough? Because they like to steal our money even if we haven't got none to make us suffer even more.

    Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets? Health and safety.

    Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet? Have you tried counting all the stars?

    Whose idea was it to put an 'S' in the word 'lisp'? Mine.

    What is the speed of darkness? 0 It's a lack of light

    Are there specially reserved parking spaces for 'normal' people at the Special Olympics? Don't think so.

    If the temperature is zero outside today and it's going to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold will it be? 00

    How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage? Did we actually land on the moon though?

    Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground? Can you see the roof tops from the ground?


    Did you ever stop and wonder.......

    Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, 'I think I'll squeeze
    these pink dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out?' A farmer.

    Who was the first person to say, 'See that chicken there... I'm gonna eat the next thing that comes outta it's bum.' A farmer

    Why do toasters always have a setting so high that could burn the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat? If they had the maximum lower then chances are that the maximum setting might not toast bread properly at all.

    Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer? My freezers got a light in.

    Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don't point to their bum when they ask where the bathroom is? My daughter does.

    Why does your Obstetrician, Gynaecologist leave the room when you get undressed if they are going to look there anyway? They might get a bit excited watching you get undressed.

    Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs ! It's a cartoon and one way to tell them apart

    If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests? Testical

    If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, then what is baby oil made from? Mineral Oil

    If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons? Yes

    Why do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune? Ones unoriginal.

    Stop singing and read on.......

    Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup? Nope.

    Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him on a car ride, he sticks his head out the window? Yep, Dogs don't like our bad breath.

    Does pushing the elevator button more than once make it arrive faster? Yes

    Original Poster

    Loving the answers. Makes it even funnier Rep left

    Abz;3503846

    Why thank you!!!!!!!!....Finally found some1 who seems to have more free … Why thank you!!!!!!!!....Finally found some1 who seems to have more free time then me!....Now i have no reason to live!!! You've just answered all my unanswered questions. Unless i find a new mission in life then its not looking good



    LOL! Thought I'd answer the ones I can give a coherent answer to...

    Free time is when my computer is 'thinking' about what I've asked it to do! Programmers use 'compiling' as an excuse...

    I'm working on a website that seems to take forever to update...

    Original Poster

    [email protected];3503940

    LOL! Thought I'd answer the ones I can give a coherent answer to... … LOL! Thought I'd answer the ones I can give a coherent answer to... Free time is when my computer is 'thinking' about what I've asked it to do! Programmers use 'compiling' as an excuse... I'm working on a website that seems to take forever to update...



    Well then i guess we're on the same boat. Here i am trying to run a database query. So far 10minutes and still counting!!!!!!

    Abz;3503950

    Well then i guess we're on the same boat. Here i am trying to run a … Well then i guess we're on the same boat. Here i am trying to run a database query. So far 10minutes and still counting!!!!!!



    SQL?

    Original Poster

    [email protected];3503956

    SQL?



    yeah MS SQL!!!!!! But running it through Access. Setting up a form for the users to use. But just trying to test it first??

    If only it was late enough to give up and go to the pub...

    Original Poster

    [email protected];3504193

    If only it was late enough to give up and go to the pub...



    Yup i know the feeling even though i dont drink. Thank god for this website. It keeps me going through the day!

    Abz;3503716

    Sure lets swap!!! But i should warn you...The people i work with are as … Sure lets swap!!! But i should warn you...The people i work with are as if they've come from the dead. No one talks, its as if its a sin to talk :whistling: Its driving me mad. Thank god I'm leaving next friday! The only bad thing is at the moment i dont have another Job lined up!!!!!!!!



    Why are you leaving if you don't have another job to go to.
    Don't make sense to me.

    Original Poster

    Jumpingphil;3508141

    Why are you leaving if you don't have another job to go to.Don't make … Why are you leaving if you don't have another job to go to.Don't make sense to me.



    I do contracting and this contract im working on ends next week. I've saved up enough money to keep me going for a bit. Looking forward to having a break for a bit! But I am a little stressed on whether I will be able to secure another contract, especially the way the financial market and economy is at the moment!

    I'm assuming your in IT from your previous comments.
    I was too until earlier this year when they decided to give my job to some cheap labour from another country.
    Finding it difficult getting another job in IT in my home town. ( Can't travel as I am a single parent to two daughters ).
    Will probably have to take any job going soon.
    It's getting harder and harder to find a decent job lately.
    Good luck in your hunt. :thumbsup:

    Original Poster

    Jumpingphil;3513973

    I'm assuming your in IT from your previous comments.I was too until … I'm assuming your in IT from your previous comments.I was too until earlier this year when they decided to give my job to some cheap labour from another country.Finding it difficult getting another job in IT in my home town. ( Can't travel as I am a single parent to two daughters ).Will probably have to take any job going soon.It's getting harder and harder to find a decent job lately.Good luck in your hunt. :thumbsup:



    Yeah I'm in IT. The market is really difficult at the moment. IF your restricted to where you can work, it makes it even more difficult. I am not enjoying IT at the moment and with outsourcing on the increase there is not much in it anymore. I would love to change my career and not be stuck infront of a computer all day. Lets hope 2009 brings something new for me!

    So waht do you at the moment?? Apart from sitting on HUKD all day

    Sod all really.
    Housework, job hunting. Nothing much.
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