parents advice please

    whilst i was out shopping tonight my 6 yr old has said a couple of things im now worrying about
    he asked my partner if father xmas still comes when u die my partner was abit taken back and asked why he had asked my son replied because if i die can my brothers have my presents,my partner reassured him that it was not going to happen then later on my son had asked my 13yr old daughter if its old people that die she told him yes and that wouldnt happen 4 many years he then said his heart hurt and went of to bed
    my daughter didnt mention this until i discussed it with my paartner when i got back from shopping
    im now worrying about what he has said and im planning on talking 2 him about it tomorrow,i want to be honest with him but i dont want to worry him either

    my partner thinks maybe our son is going to be a worrier like me and i really dont want him worrying about it

    my partner has told me to stop reading so much into what he has asked but i cant help it and now worried he has sensed something bads going to happen to him

    would appreciate any advice and was wondering if ur children have ever asked similar questions and how u explained to them?


    Alll kids ask these type of questions.

    That's a tough one... I had the task of telling my 5 year old that her cousin (also 5, in her class at school) had died....

    I think you have to tackle it simply.... don't go too far into the subject, don't offer too much information, but don't avoid giving answers either...... simple is best....

    I know it is hard, but the truth, within reason, is best.


    Alll kids ask these type of questions.

    yes I agree.

    My 6yr old asked about death very recently. I just was honest and tried to remove emotion from it, saying 'all people die, death is part of life'. Then dependant of your beliefs I added 'but when people die they go to heaven where they are happy'

    as for your worrying. All your personality traits will become your childrens, its inevitable, but keep in mind your children will also learn your reasonability and this will balance them and give them the skills they need. You might want to try to exert your reasonable side more than your worrying side, see if this has a positive effect on them. Good luck hun x

    I say this, be as honest as you can with kids of all ages as they can smell b*llsh*it a million miles off, except as far as Santa is concerned as that is fun and makes Xmas special.

    Also, If the little one asks you a question ask them specifically what it is they want to know. Often if you get them to rephrase the question they will show it is really not what you thought.

    Before you wade in just ask if anything is bothering him. You should be able to tell if something is or not by the reaction, then go gently but simply and honestly. Kids aged round 6 to 7 are beginning to learn empathy and it's often round that time they can think of situations where someone close may no longer be around for whatever reason.

    It's hard to advise as I don't know your son.

    Firstly does he have any reason to be concerned about his health? Does he have any form of condition that keeps him going up and down to the doctors?

    Has he been in contact with anyone's death recently?

    Perhaps it is just something as simple as them doing about the heart at school?

    I think most likely.... perhaps your own concerns just recently with the baby and losing him/her... possibly he has overheard something or if he is sensitive anyway he may have "keyed" in to how scared Mummy is feeling at the moment?

    My eldest daughter still has bereavement counselling five years following the death of our baby. She is the most sensitive of my children. The other children came to terms with it faster but they were at better ages to cope, less sensitive to me and more selfish towards their own needs. They were encouraged to draw pictures to "give" to the baby, ( they put them in the coffin ) gift any of their toys they wished to and to talk about their feelings. My younger daughter would tell her friends matter of factly "my brother died" heart wrenching for me to hear but she needed to speak about it.

    It's a good thing he is at least asking questions. Keep him talking if he brings it up... see what he is concerned about exactly. My elder daughter had a "worry box" she could write her fears in. I'd find comments such as " I hope there is safety in death and no-one can hurt you anymore". It helps to know how they are feeling and to judge whether or not to seriously intervene or to respect the progress of their healing.

    Perhaps your little boy could spend more time with his Dad at the moment ( so as not to be so close to Mummy's worries ) and give him things to look forward to. The obvious is Christmas presents. It doesn't matter if its a little superficial at the moment, sometimes superficial is good when a child gets too seriously worried about things. Enjoyable easy superficial activities such as trips to the cinema, circus, fairground, Santa etc will help keep his mind off things and distracted.

    You may have to be careful about how much information you are communicating about your own fears in front of your lil ones. I know it's hard babes but as the parent we have to breathe it all in take on the responsibility for them too, and just let it all breathe out.

    He is probably very like you just as his Dad says and he is "feeling your pain" as it were.

    PM me hun if you need to talk xxxxx

    Original Poster

    thanks everyone,
    i try my best not to let the kids hear my worries and we lost our son 4 yrs ago so its something he doesnt remember but he knows about him and the same as ur daughter will tell people my brother died

    the only thing that has happened recently is he went in a week ago today to have grommits in and adonoids out,and tbh he wasnt really worried or scared at the time

    he has asked questions about death b4 when his friend in schools uncle died,his friend then told him everybody dies so he came home worrying about it but that was a while back now i dont know whats brought up his latest worry maybe its just been because he has been of school this week its his first day back today

    do u think i should bring it back up again today or just see if he mentions it again? xx

    Just see if he mentions it again babe...

    If he does then talk to him about how he is feeling but dont speak for him.. the words have to be his.

    Would he feel anxious about going back to school? x

    It's normal to ask

    When my eldest asks i just tell him the truth. Much better than filling their head with nonsense that you have to correct later on.


    You dont know why he has asked these questions, maybe someone at school has talked about it, maybe he is thinking about the little baby that died, i agree with bgw when your son speaks about it try and get him to be more specific, sometimes we as adults put far more into things than the children do, and just maybe your behaviour is affecting his, i dont mean that in a nasty way, but children do pick up on things and some more so than others, i would also question him saying his heart hurt, ask him where, maybe he has indigestion or heartburn and has heard about heart attacks from friends/within the school etc,etc but as others have said be as honest as you can be for his age

    Original Poster

    yeah im going to ask him about the heart pain,im thinking maybe it was from worrying as i get chest pain when i worry
    i really dont want any of them ending up like me worrying over everything,but then worrying is in my family,we are all worriers

    will just see what he says today maybe now he is back in school his mind will be off it x x


    yeah im going to ask him about the heart pain,im thinking maybe it was … yeah im going to ask him about the heart pain,im thinking maybe it was from worrying as i get chest pain when i worryi really dont want any of them ending up like me worrying over everything,but then worrying is in my family,we are all worrierswill just see what he says today maybe now he is back in school his mind will be off it x x

    I'm hoping so.

    Let us know how he is babes xx
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