Personal privacy from partners

37
Found 21st Nov 2017
so, having a mini debate with some people on reddit

and the consensus seems to be that partners / girlfriends / wives etc should be allowed unfettered access to your personal devices like phones, laptops, tablets etc you know, the things that are the portal to your whole life and soul.

I find this really quite odd and rather alarming, a bit like someone opening your post from the bank, it's like, why the hell would you do that, it's got my name on it, it's not yours, what possible reason have you got for wanting to open it.

why should someone be allowed to have unfettered access to root around in my personal devices, look at private conversations, look at everything I do online or wherever else.

even to the point where "you're obviously trying to hide something from your partner" well no, I just don't feel the need to share every detail about everything with someone.

is this really a thing? that you give up all privacy in your life when you become part of a couple? am I really the odd one for wanting to keep some kind of private life for myself?

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It’s down to trust.

If your OH feels the need to look at your emails then you guys have issues (or the OH has issues).

When you’re married and have kids, I don’t think you should have any secrets so wouldn’t object to the theory that wifey can look at stuff but the problem is that if she wants or needs to then either she’s insecure and you guys need to talk.

When I was married, we opened each others mail as we had nothing to hide from each other including bank statements. My money was his and his money was mine. No idea how I would react if we were still married and how we would be with each others emails/tablets, etc. I would hope that we would still be open with each other. Like rogparki says, it is down to trust. Works for some, not for others.

catbeans7 h, 30 m ago

It's not Trust, it's open access to all your thoughts, feelings, …It's not Trust, it's open access to all your thoughts, feelings, aspirations, ideas etc no one should have that, not even a partner.


Don't know about anyone else but my thoughts, feelings and aspirations are not on my phone, pc or tablet.
They are in my head!
37 Comments

Its like that old chestnut - CCTV cameras - If you have nothing to hide what's the problem ?

It shouldn't be a question of allowing or not allowing - if the mutual trust and respect is there , there is no reason to root around in each others devices , mail etc . Whether "allowed" or not .
Edited by: "rogparki" 22nd Nov 2017

Your not odd. Everyone is different. Some people prefer to keep certain aspects such as salary, finance, social media messaging private which is fine. When your married/ in relationship you do end up sharing everything and its important to be open with one another, however realise its also healthy to have some independence and privacy. We are all single once and can be scary opening up and letting someone in knowing they could walk all over you and use anything against you they may know about. Respecting any boundaries someone may have is important and having trust is key!

When I was married, we opened each others mail as we had nothing to hide from each other including bank statements. My money was his and his money was mine. No idea how I would react if we were still married and how we would be with each others emails/tablets, etc. I would hope that we would still be open with each other. Like rogparki says, it is down to trust. Works for some, not for others.

It's not Trust, it's open access to all your thoughts, feelings, aspirations, ideas etc no one should have that, not even a partner.
Edited by: "catbeans" 22nd Nov 2017

Yeah wives/girlfriends want access to your stuff but it wont go the other way.

It’s down to trust.

If your OH feels the need to look at your emails then you guys have issues (or the OH has issues).

When you’re married and have kids, I don’t think you should have any secrets so wouldn’t object to the theory that wifey can look at stuff but the problem is that if she wants or needs to then either she’s insecure and you guys need to talk.

I have full access to the wifes gadgets. Never bother going through it though, ever. And had never asked for the passwords for anything, shes openly told me.

She has no access to mine, despite asking several times. I refuse, not because I have things to hide.. but... Ok maybe I do.
Edited by: "J4GG4" 22nd Nov 2017

If you trust someone it should not be a problem

Surely true trust is not being suspicious enough to open the other person’s mail or ferret through their personal belongings

My fiance has access to all of my stuff and I have access to all of hers. How else am I supposed to get her to use my phone in the car etc. As far as I know neither of us have ever looked through the others stuff... If we did what would be the point continuing?

fern377 h, 5 m ago

we had nothing to hide from each other including bank statements. My money …we had nothing to hide from each other including bank statements. My money was mine and his money was mine.


More like...
Edited by: "deeky" 22nd Nov 2017

OP, This you>

catbeans7 h, 30 m ago

It's not Trust, it's open access to all your thoughts, feelings, …It's not Trust, it's open access to all your thoughts, feelings, aspirations, ideas etc no one should have that, not even a partner.


Don't know about anyone else but my thoughts, feelings and aspirations are not on my phone, pc or tablet.
They are in my head!

Satan_Claws2 m ago

Don't know about anyone else but my thoughts, feelings and aspirations are …Don't know about anyone else but my thoughts, feelings and aspirations are not on my phone, pc or tablet. They are in my head!


Shouldn't they be shared with your partner anyway?

Segata-Sanshiro16 m ago

Shouldn't they be shared with your partner anyway?


Of course, although my wife doesn't really want to hear about my aspirations to be a super-hero/rockstar

theres a difference between actively rooting through messages, social media etc in the hope of finding something

and the general day to day of sharing things. sometimes my partner opens my post, its not like she is rooting for things to be annoyed about. she just collects the post and usually opens it all. if i tell her something is coming i dont want her to open then she wont. simple as that.

as everyone else has said, it's about trust, and if a relationship doesnt have any, it wont last long.

When a person has a need to hide something or feels a need, regard to privacy and confidentiality are vital in mutual trust and respect. However when there is a suspected breach of mutual trust and confidence then evidence and or circumstantial evidence may be explored so as to discover the truth. But there is no legal right to do so.

The adage of ," What have you got hide if you done nothing", is a primitive or elementary logic. For advanced high order cognitive understanding, in a partnership, there is likely to be things to hide so as to preserve the mutual trust and confidence between the couple in cases where both party will benefit from privacy from each other. The risk is where act of hiding a fact is worse than the fact itself. Such as , you ate a sweet that you shouldn't , you hide this truth, your partner slams you for not telling the truth. The sweet itself as a fact is tiny, but the act of hiding the fact is gigantic. This is a bad scenario for a relationship. And it wrecks any trust and confidence whereupon this statement is then made, "If this small thing is hidden, what else bigger could be hidden."

Freedom, independence, space to feel comfort, boundary to keep anyone out,distance to keep away from, liberty are qualities that serve the personal needs of a human being. Any person who says, if you got nothing to hide, there is nothing to fear, is a person who promotes degraded and sub-standard living, a world where there is restricted freedom, independence, space and boundaries etc. as aforementioned.
Edited by: "splender" 22nd Nov 2017

splender2 h, 24 m ago

When a person has a need to hide something or feels a need, regard to …When a person has a need to hide something or feels a need, regard to privacy and confidentiality are vital in mutual trust and respect. However when there is a suspected breach of mutual trust and confidence then evidence and or circumstantial evidence may be explored so as to discover the truth. But there is no legal right to do so.The adage of ," What have you got hide if you done nothing", is a primitive or elementary logic. For advanced high order cognitive understanding, in a partnership, there is likely to be things to hide so as to preserve the mutual trust and confidence between the couple in cases where both party will benefit from privacy from each other. The risk is where act of hiding a fact is worse than the fact itself. Such as , you ate a sweet that you shouldn't , you hide this truth, your partner slams you for not telling the truth. The sweet itself as a fact is tiny, but the act of hiding the fact is gigantic. This is a bad scenario for a relationship. And it wrecks any trust and confidence whereupon this statement is then made, "If this small thing is hidden, what else bigger could be hidden."Freedom, independence, space to feel comfort, boundary to keep anyone out,distance to keep away from, liberty are qualities that serve the personal needs of a human being. Any person who says, if you got nothing to hide, there is nothing to fear, is a person who promotes degraded and sub-standard living, a world where there is restricted freedom, independence, space and boundaries etc. as aforementioned.


Good post

i think this might be more of a woman thing. I get that all the time for the OH. its one of the running arguments we have

because she's not bothered if I access her phone or not (I don't and have no wish to) she feels I should be the same.

I pretty much run my husband's life for him. I open his mail, access all his bank and investment accounts, use his phone. Manage his properties and money. He trusts me completely. I did this even when I was only his girlfriend!

I would give him access to all my stuff as well, but he doesn't seem interested. As a couple, you should give access as a standard. It helps to build trust.

mutley132 m ago

..... I would give him access to all my stuff as well, but he doesn't seem …..... I would give him access to all my stuff as well, but he doesn't seem interested.


Probably wise to limit access to your more private areas, Mutley.

Snakeyes6461 h, 0 m ago

I'm not allowed fb/twitter and such things.... also no passwords on my …I'm not allowed fb/twitter and such things.... also no passwords on my devices. I know it isn't normal but it's so hard to explain to ppl and help them see things as they are.... also twitch and youtube are blocked oh and any movie and tv programme with sec scenes....Also I'm not allowed to access her phone etc and she is on fb/twitter...


Not allowed?
Are you a child or have you got previous?

Snakeyes6461 h, 25 m ago

I'm not allowed fb/twitter and such things.... also no passwords on my …I'm not allowed fb/twitter and such things.... also no passwords on my devices. I know it isn't normal but it's so hard to explain to ppl and help them see things as they are.... also twitch and youtube are blocked oh and any movie and tv programme with sec scenes....Also I'm not allowed to access her phone etc and she is on fb/twitter...


Doesn't sound a healthy relationship. Sounds like she needs help with her insecurity.

Original Poster

Snakeyes6462 h, 26 m ago

I'm not allowed fb/twitter and such things.... also no passwords on my …I'm not allowed fb/twitter and such things.... also no passwords on my devices. I know it isn't normal but it's so hard to explain to ppl and help them see things as they are.... also twitch and youtube are blocked oh and any movie and tv programme with sec scenes....Also I'm not allowed to access her phone etc and she is on fb/twitter...



sounds incredibly controlling

which is kind of why I feel privacy is important, you allow them to poke around on your facebook, then where does it stop?
Edited by: "eset12345" 22nd Nov 2017

Privacy within a relationship breeds insecurity. For example it’s not a good look if your partner is constantly on his/her passcode protected phone messaging and is then vague when asked who they’re chatting too.

If you’re in a relationship with someone you have to be totally open, especially if its long term or you’re married. If not then what’s the point? That’s my take on it anyway.

J4GG412 h, 57 m ago

I have full access to the wifes gadgets. Never bother going through it …I have full access to the wifes gadgets. Never bother going through it though, ever. And had never asked for the passwords for anything, shes openly told me.She has no access to mine, despite asking several times. I refuse, not because I have things to hide.. but... Ok maybe I do.



freakstyler13 m ago

Privacy within a relationship breeds insecurity. For example it’s not a g …Privacy within a relationship breeds insecurity. For example it’s not a good look if your partner is constantly on his/her passcode protected phone messaging and is then vague when asked who they’re chatting too. If you’re in a relationship with someone you have to be totally open, especially if its long term or you’re married. If not then what’s the point? That’s my take on it anyway.


I agree with you freakstyler as people who don't want to share will probably have something to hide as J4GG says

spyro1237 m ago

I agree with you freakstyler as people who don't want to share will …I agree with you freakstyler as people who don't want to share will probably have something to hide as J4GG says


It does't mean you're doing something so bad that it'll jeopardize the relationship by not letting your partner see your personal phone for example.

Being a lad, lads convos can get a bit extreme. Funny meme pics, showing flesh or not.. funny jokes/videos. Its all banter between guys. Its not something your other half needs to see. Thats just one example of many.

I really really don't wan to see and I don't care what convos my partner has with her friends. Totally not my business.

This was a big thing in my last relationship. He wanted my passwords, I wouldn't give them to him. He tried to give me his, I didn't want them and refused. I wasn't in the slightest bit interested in what he did online.

In the end I got so fed up of being accused and needled about it, I started doing slightly bad things for the hell of it. I wasn't before several years of being hassled.

Wasn't the only reason I ended it, but it was a large contributing factor. It's completely unnecessary. Either he trusted me, or he didn't. If he didn't he should have jogged on.

I felt really ground down in the end. It probably contributes to why I can't be arsed now. I don't need or want to be that co-dependant.
Edited by: "MSK." 22nd Nov 2017

Snakeyes6463 h, 10 m ago

I'm not allowed fb/twitter and such things.... also no passwords on my …I'm not allowed fb/twitter and such things.... also no passwords on my devices. I know it isn't normal but it's so hard to explain to ppl and help them see things as they are.... also twitch and youtube are blocked oh and any movie and tv programme with sec scenes....Also I'm not allowed to access her phone etc and she is on fb/twitter...


There's probably nowt you can explain. That's no life. Either you've done something terrible in the past, or you're being horribly manipulated. Or both. I think you know that though because 'you know it's not normal'.

All this thread proves is that what works for one couple doesn't work for another, no right or wrong really, same as sharing bank accounts etc.

When I talk to friends about their relationships I think they are all bonkers with stuff they do but it works for them

MSK.18 m ago

There's probably nowt you can explain. That's no life. Either you've …There's probably nowt you can explain. That's no life. Either you've done something terrible in the past, or you're being horribly manipulated. Or both. I think you know that though because 'you know it's not normal'.


Agreed he is either a dog who has been caught putting it somewhere he shouldn't and therefore he is being kept on a tight leash or he is going out with a manipulative and controlling woman with uncontrolled anxiety.

Snakeyes6468 m ago

I've never done anything wrong in my past, this is 6 years on now and …I've never done anything wrong in my past, this is 6 years on now and before this I was with someone 9yrs before she cheated on me. I dunno why I put it here tbh, just venting I guess.


Does she flip out when you do anything at all she doesn't approve of? If so, that's a tool of manipulation. She's got you too a point where you fear that reaction, more than you enjoy doing what you do. So you'll always do what she wants.

It's not for me to tell you what to do, but I'm willing to bet if you change any small thing you do she will flip out.

But if you don't start changing stuff and interrupting her behaviour patterns, you will always be manipulated by her.

Her last fella was a bad boy then... for sure.

EDIT - Typed this before you posted mate.
Edited by: "joanddan7" 22nd Nov 2017

Snakeyes6462 m ago

yes she flips out... she uses parental controls on the BT sitell to block …yes she flips out... she uses parental controls on the BT sitell to block netflix/media streaming and even gaming... that's just if I annoy her. I'm a stay at home dad to 3 beautiful girls, the eldest is hers from previous who beat her and cheated on her. I feel like I'm being swept with the same brush and she maybe assumes I'll cheat also. she has cheated on me tho, last year sending semi naked pics to other men. broke my heart.



I was gonna put either her ex was a very bad boy or she is bad and does things she shouldn't and judges you by same standards... looks like I was right on both counts.

I feel for you mate but understand sometimes you wanna stay with who you love no matter what and especially when kids are involved.

Relationships are for sharing everything with each other, trusting and being open with each other. If my wife wanted to check my phone then I would probably be thinking she doesn't trust me but as I've got nothing to hide it would probably reassure her to trust me since I'm not hiding anything.

Snakeyes64632 m ago

yes she flips out... she uses parental controls on the BT sitell to block …yes she flips out... she uses parental controls on the BT sitell to block netflix/media streaming and even gaming... that's just if I annoy her. I'm a stay at home dad to 3 beautiful girls, the eldest is hers from previous who beat her and cheated on her. I feel like I'm being swept with the same brush and she maybe assumes I'll cheat also. she has cheated on me tho, last year sending semi naked pics to other men. broke my heart.


Breaks mine hearing that I doubt you kids would want you to feel this way

People can have their issues, but it doesn't give them the right to make your life a misery. I appreciate kids make it complicated. But it sounds like you could be a lot happier and deserve to be.

Snakeyes6465 h, 23 m ago

yes she flips out... she uses parental controls on the BT sitell to block …yes she flips out... she uses parental controls on the BT sitell to block netflix/media streaming and even gaming... that's just if I annoy her. I'm a stay at home dad to 3 beautiful girls, the eldest is hers from previous who beat her and cheated on her. I feel like I'm being swept with the same brush and she maybe assumes I'll cheat also. she has cheated on me tho, last year sending semi naked pics to other men. broke my heart.


Oh man. Thats a bad situation to be in.
You need to get help to work this out with her. Its not healthy for you or the kids.
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