Found 28th Jun 2008
1 You say 'mate' and 'geezer' constantly.
2 You think it is perfectly normal to pay over three quid for a pint.
3 Anyone not from London is a 'w****r'.
4 Anyone from outside London and north of the Watford Gap is a 'Northern W****r'.
5. You have no idea where the North is.
6 You see All Saints in the Met Bar (again) and find it hard to get excited about it.
7 The countryside makes you nervous.
8 Somebody speaks to you on the tube and you freak out thinking they are a stalker.
9 American tourists no longer annoy you.
10 You talk in postcodes. "God, it was really warm round SW1 the other day".
11 You can't remember the last time you got up to 30 mph in your car in the city.
12 You didn't realise that 'Paddington Green' is REAL.

1. You go mad when somebody who is not from Manchester says 'mad fer it', "Nobody says that EVER!" you scream.
2. You say 'mad fer it' when back in Manchester.
3. You think fisherman's hats are attractive.
4. You support Man City out of principle.
5. You see Coronation Street stars all the time and think nothing of it.
6. You think Londoners are 'soft southern w*nkers'... until they kick your head in at a footie match.
7. You get a freckle and consider yourself 'suntanned'
8. You deny that it rains all the time.. as you struggle home with the shopping in yet another torrential downpour.
9. You won't pay more than 1.50 for a wrap of skag.
10.People start yawning when you talk about how great Manchester is

1. You have an urge to steal.
2. You think Brookside is a 'glamorous' soap.
3. You think Hollyoaks is 'posh'.
4. You keep going on about how great Liverpool and Scousers are.
5. To you, organised crime is putting petrol in the getaway car.
6. You start to cry when you hear 'Ferry cross the Mersey'.
7. You think anyone from Liverpool has a great sense of humour.
8. You often wonder why you don't hear of many Scouse comedians any more.
9. You think everyone's heard of Greg Pateras
10. You start thinking that Plymouth sounds nice.

1. You say 'pish' all the time.
2. You say 'aye' all the time.
3. You end sentences with 'like' i.e. 'I'm no goin' there, like, it's pish'.
4. You think McEwans beer is great, ignoring the fact it 'tastes of pish like'.
5. You get an urge to punch everybody you meet.
6. You punch everybody you meet.
7. You get drunk before, after and during punching everybody you meet.
8. You are incomprehensible.
9. People seem to be scared of you when you say where you are from.
10 You automatically get the urge to kill on hearing the words Edinburgh' or 'England'.
11. You have heart disease aged 26 due to all deep-fried pizzas you have consumed since birth.

1. You say "I'm Grand" all the time.
2. You think of Guinness as if it is the sixth food group.
3. You disagreed with 2. - Guinness is the FIRST food group.
4. You're pale and white... yet compared to others your suntan looks good.
5. You say "Are you Grand ?" all the time.
6. You say "Isn't it grand" all the time.
7. You say "That'd be grand" all the time.
8. You can pronounce names like Eoghan, Niamh and Siobhan.
9. You take 4 hours to get home on a Saturday night and think nothing of it.
10 You don't eat anything cold, uncooked or not resembling meat, bread or potatoes.
11. You say "Your man" all the time.
12. You say "Your woman" all the time.
13. You say "It's grand that your man asked if I'm grand" all the time.
14. You find yourself still living with family and having dinners cooked for you by someone's mammy - at 30.
15. You talk about 'dinners' and 'mammys'.


1. You're still there.

  1. Misc
  1. Misc

Liverpool and Dublin are so true.

LMAO, love it!

Original Poster

A blonde heard that milk baths would make her beautiful.
She left a note for her milkman to leave 15 gallons of milk. When the milkman read the note,he felt there must be a mistake. He thought she probably meant 1.5 gallons so he knocked on the door to clarify the point.

The blonde came to the door and the milkman said, "I found your note to leave 15 gallons of milk. Did you mean 1.5 gallons?"

The blonde said, "I want 15 gallons. I'm going to fill my bathtub up with milk and take a milk bath."

The milkman asked, "Do you want it Past-eur-ized?"

The blonde said, "No, just up to my boobs, I can splash it in my eyes."


A man is dating three women and wants to decide which to marry. He decides to give them a test. He gives each woman a present of $5,000 and then watches to see what she will do with the money.

The first does a total make over. She goes to a fancy beauty salon, gets her hair done, new make up and buys several new outfits and dresses up very nicely for the man. She tells him that she has done this to be more attractive for him because she loves him so much.

The man was impressed.

The second goes shopping to buy the man gifts. She gets him a new set of golf clubs, some new gizmos for his computer, and some expensive clothes.
As she presents these gifts, she tells him that she has spent all the money on him because she loves him so much.

Again, the man is impressed.

The third invests the money in the stock market. She earns several times the $5,000. She gives him back his $5000 and reinvests the remainder in a joint account. She tells him that she wants to save for their future because she loves him so much.

Obviously, the man was impressed.

The man thought for a long time about what each woman had done with the money he'd given her. Then, he married the one with the biggest breasts. Men are like that, you know.

The banana joke reminds me of a true story. I overheard a little boy and hid granfather in the park having this conversation.
What do we get from apples?
Grandad: Apple juice.
What do we get from oranges?
Grandad: Orance juice.
What do we get from bananas?
Grandad: Milkshake.

I and my wife almost rolled of the bench in laughter.

Original Poster


The banana joke reminds me of a true story. I overheard a little boy and … The banana joke reminds me of a true story. I overheard a little boy and hid granfather in the park having this conversation.What do we get from apples?Grandad: Apple juice.What do we get from oranges?Grandad: Orance juice.What do we get from bananas?Grandad: Milkshake.I and my wife almost rolled of the bench in laughter.



Original Poster

A female brain cell ends up in a male brain. Finding herself all alone she decides to see if anyone else is about and calls out in her pretty voice:
"Hello? Is there anybody there?"

She waits for an answer but no one replies. So after a little while she calls out again, this time with a bit of gusto: "HELLOOO! Is there anybody there?"

But still there's no answer. Getting a bit worried, she raises the decibels and bellows: "HELLOOOOOO! Is there anybody THERE? Anybody at all?"

Just then she hears a tiny little voice in the distance...

"We're all down here!"

Original Poster

The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment: Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it. The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their stories.

Ashley said, "My father's a farmer and we have a lot of egg laying hens. One time we were taking our eggs to market in a basket on the front seat of the car when we hit a big bump in the road and all the eggs went flying and broke and made a mess." What's the moral of the story?" asked the teacher. "Don't put all your eggs in one basket!"
"Very good," said the teacher.

Next little Sarah raised her hand and said, "Our family are farmers too. But we raise chickens for the meat market. We had a dozen eggs one time, but when they hatched we only got ten live chicks, and the moral to this story is, "don't count your chickens before they're hatched."

"That was a fine story Sarah. Michael, do you have a story to share?"

"Yes, my daddy told me this story about my Aunt Karen. Aunt Karen was a flight engineer in the Gulf War and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was a bottle of whiskey, a machine gun, and a machete. She drank the whiskey on the way down so it wouldn't break and then she landed right in the middle of 100 enemy troops. She killed seventy of them with the machine gun until she ran out of bullets.
Then she killed twenty more with the machete until the blade broke and then she killed the last ten with her bare hands."
"Good heavens," said the horrified teacher, "what kind of moral did your daddy tell you from that horrible story?"
"Stay the f... away from Aunt Karen when she's been drinking."

Hee hee hee!


Original Poster

Original Poster

These are some daft things which have been written on Insurance claim forms "I started to slow down but the traffic was more stationary than I thought."
"I pulled into a lay-by with smoke coming from under the bonnet. I realised the car was on fire so took my dog and smothered it with a blanket."
Q: Could either driver have done anything to avoid the accident?
A: Travelled by bus?

A Norwich Union customer collided with a cow. The questions and answers on the claim form were:
Q - What warning was given by you?
A - Horn
Q - What warning was given by the other party?
A - Moo

"I had one eye on a parked car, another on approaching lorries, and another on the woman behind".
"I started to turn and it was at this point I noticed a camel and an elephant tethered at the verge. This distraction caused me to lose concentration and hit a bollard."

"On the M6 I moved from the centre lane to the fast lane but the other car didn't give way."

"On approach to the traffic lights the car in front suddenly broke."

"I was going at about 70 or 80 mph when my girlfriend on the pillion reached over and grabbed my t*******s so I lost control."

"I didn't think the speed limit applied after midnight"

"While proceeding through 'Monkey Jungle', the vehicle was enveloped by small fat brown grinning monkeys. Number three fat brown monkey (with buck teeth) proceeded to swing in an anticlockwise direction on the radio aerial. Repeated requests to desist were ignored. Approximately 2 minutes and 43 seconds later, small fat brown monkey disappeared in 'Monkey Jungle' clutching radio aerial."

"Windscreen broken. Cause unknown. Probably voodoo."

"The car in front hit the pedestrian but he got up so I hit him again."

"I had been driving for 40 years when I fell asleep at the wheel and had an accident."

"Coming home, I drove into the wrong house and collided with a tree I don't have."

"The other car collided with mine without giving warning of its intention."

"I thought my window was down, but I found out it wasn't when I put my head through it".

"I collided with a stationary truck coming the other way".

"A pedestrian hit me and went under my car".

"The guy was all over the road. I had to swerve a number of times before I hit him."

"In an attempt to kill a fly, I drove into a telephone pole."

"I had been shopping for plans all day and was on my way home. As I reached an intersection a hedge sprang up obscuring my vision and I did not see the other car."

"I was on my way to the doctor with rear end trouble when my universal joint gave way causing me to have an accident.
"To avoid hitting the bumper of the car in front I struck the pedestrian."

"An invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my car and vanished."

"The pedestrian had no idea which way to run, so I ran over him."

"I saw a slow-moving, sad faced old gentleman, as he bounced off the roof of my car"

"The indirect cause of the accident was a little guy in a small car with a big mouth."

"I was thrown from the car as it left the road. I was later found in a ditch by some stray cows."

Original Poster

A man went to the Doctor's office to get a double dose of Viagra. The Doctor told him he couldn't allow him to have a double dose.

"Why not?" asked theman.

"Because it is not safe," replied the Doctor.

"But I need it really bad," said the man.

"Well, why do you need it so bad?", asked the Doctor.

The man said, "My girlfriend is coming to town on Friday, my ex-wife will be here on Saturday, my wife is coming home on Sunday. I must have a double dose."

The Doctor relented saying, "OK, I'll give it to you, but you have to report to me on Monday morning, so I can check you to see if there are any side effects."

On Monday morning, the man dragged himself in, his arm in a sling and looking awful. The Doctor said, "What happened to you?"

The man replied... "No one showed up."
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