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    really dont know what to do just need peoples advise. (family issues.!!)

    omg where do i start well i was thinking of tracking my real dad down just want to know the home truths as to why he hasnt bothered with me all my live well saying that thats always what my mum has said although i do remember a couple of phone calls in my early teens and also had a birthday card when i was 14 i only got it coz my mum wasnt in and she says he has never sent cards etc you see i am starting to doubt my mother is telling my the truth as i only found out when i was 23 that i had another older brother and to make matters worse he only lived less than a mile away from us but she left him when he was 3. basically i am one of 4 of my mums kids and she has only bought me up out of the lot of us and we are not very close anymore too be honest there doesnt seem much love there and i would really like to ask my real dad WHY he hasnt been around and i have just heard i have 9 brothers and sisters you know i could have myself a family of which i have never had before as my mum was an only child and wont allow me to speak to my grandparents so what the hell do i do just want some friendly advise on this one please.

    34 Comments

    thats pretty heavy,i feel for you
    cant see any negatives in contacting your family,if you can find them,
    they'll be your strongest allies(normally)
    good luck

    Banned

    follow ur heart

    Banned

    Whatever you decide to do, good luck :thumbsup:

    I think it will eat away at you if you don't do anything to try and meet him, the what ifs will kick in, so if it was me i would arrange to meet him, get the answers you need and decide from there whether you want to carry on seeing him and developing a relationship with him and yr family

    Original Poster

    albar76;4445577

    thats pretty heavy,i feel for youcant see any negatives in contacting … thats pretty heavy,i feel for youcant see any negatives in contacting your family,if you can find them,they'll be your strongest allies(normally)good luck



    yeah thats my problem they are in new zealand but i believe my grans sister still lives over here and only 2 miles away. yeah family are surpost to be your strongest allies but not mine i have had it real bad dont want anyone to feel sorry for me but it is really hard for me as i have been told all my live that he doesnt give a damn about me.

    Sounds wrong, but from the looks of things it might be best to go behind your mums back and try to get in contact with your brothers/sisters/dad..Whatever reason your mum has for not allowing you to talk to you grandparents and for maybe hiding things about your dad, it will be a good reason. Try to sit down and talk to her (I know its easy for me to say!) and tell her you want to know everything or your going to find it out from someone else(dad etc). Surely she'd rather you hear the story from her mouth than someone else's. If she doesnt want to talk about it then get in contact with your grandparents without her knowing.And eventually just give your dad a ring. It might not work out, but if it does you'll probs be a lot happier. I know it sounds a bit sneaky going behind your mums back, but if she wont tell you and you need to know, its the only way.

    Original Poster

    caggarooney;4445587

    I think it will eat away at you if you don't do anything to try and meet … I think it will eat away at you if you don't do anything to try and meet him, the what ifs will kick in, so if it was me i would arrange to meet him, get the answers you need and decide from there whether you want to carry on seeing him and developing a relationship with him and yr family



    well there in new zealand so not so easy to meet up but if i could get a phone number that would help well it would clear up some things for me but if i hear it isnt true what my mum has told me its just going to make me even more sour towards her.

    I said this to someone the other day on here, unsure if it was you..

    My mum left my dad when I was 6, she always told me he and his family had gone home to Barbados, so although I did wonder if I should look, didn't really know where to start. The next I knew of him was reading his obituary in the local paper. He had never left Leicester, my mum had lied. Trust me, it's the worse feeling ever, all the what ifs etc. So my advice would be to look for him, if it doesn't work out at least you will know you tried.

    greyparrot;4445604

    well there in new zealand so not so easy to meet up but if i could get a … well there in new zealand so not so easy to meet up but if i could get a phone number that would help well it would clear up some things for me but if i hear it isnt true what my mum has told me its just going to make me even more sour towards her.



    like i said though, your mum will have her reasons for hiding certain things. youve got to see it from her point of view as well as yours. shes prob just tryin to do what she thinks is best for you

    Original Poster

    manchesterjim;4445601

    Sounds wrong, but from the looks of things it might be best to go behind … Sounds wrong, but from the looks of things it might be best to go behind your mums back and try to get in contact with your brothers/sisters/dad..Whatever reason your mum has for not allowing you to talk to you grandparents and for maybe hiding things about your dad, it will be a good reason. Try to sit down and talk to her (I know its easy for me to say!) and tell her you want to know everything or your going to find it out from someone else(dad etc). Surely she'd rather you hear the story from her mouth than someone else's. If she doesnt want to talk about it then get in contact with your grandparents without her knowing.And eventually just give your dad a ring. It might not work out, but if it does you'll probs be a lot happier. I know it sounds a bit sneaky going behind your mums back, but if she wont tell you and you need to know, its the only way.



    trust me my mum will just lie to me full stop i have been told not to contact my gran coz if i do my mum has threatened to leave the country and i will never see her again all because she doesnt like her. her excuses for leaving my brother was coz he is half cast you know well she shouldnt of got pregnant then but my other 2 brothers are not and she still left them it is all excuses.

    Original Poster

    manchesterjim;4445617

    like i said though, your mum will have her reasons for hiding certain … like i said though, your mum will have her reasons for hiding certain things. youve got to see it from her point of view as well as yours. shes prob just tryin to do what she thinks is best for you



    my mother does not really give a stuff about me trust me on this one we are not that close sounds awful i know but thats the way it is.

    manchesterjim;4445617

    like i said though, your mum will have her reasons for hiding certain … like i said though, your mum will have her reasons for hiding certain things. youve got to see it from her point of view as well as yours. shes prob just tryin to do what she thinks is best for you



    i do agree with that to an extent, but it sounds a little bit suspect that one card OP got was when mum was out...

    Obviously none of us know the details of how the relationship broke down.. but a woman scorned and all that.. She may have felt a lot of bitterness towards him.

    greyparrot;4445629

    trust me my mum will just lie to me full stop i have been told not to … trust me my mum will just lie to me full stop i have been told not to contact my gran coz if i do my mum has threatened to leave the country and i will never see her again all because she doesnt like her. her excuses for leaving my brother was coz he is half cast you know well she shouldnt of got pregnant then but my other 2 brothers are not and she still left them it is all excuses.



    then do it without her knowing. tell her youll leave the country to find your family if you dont find out what you'll need to know....you just need to shock your mum and get her to realise that you really need to know

    good luck with whatever you decide to do x x x x

    Original Poster

    ChipSticks;4445611

    I said this to someone the other day on here, unsure if it was you.. My … I said this to someone the other day on here, unsure if it was you.. My mum left my dad when I was 6, she always told me he and his family had gone home to Barbados, so although I did wonder if I should look, didn't really know where to start. The next I knew of him was reading his obituary in the local paper. He had never left Leicester, my mum had lied. Trust me, it's the worse feeling ever, all the what ifs etc. So my advice would be to look for him, if it doesn't work out at least you will know you tried.



    no wasnt me. i know he is in new zealand as for the post stamps on the birthday card i also know it was levin thats if he still lives in the same area.

    Original Poster

    Angelstar;4445656

    good luck with whatever you decide to do x x x x



    thanks but its going to one hard job finding him i really dont know where to start.

    ChipSticks;4445644

    i do agree with that to an extent, but it sounds a little bit suspect … i do agree with that to an extent, but it sounds a little bit suspect that one card OP got was when mum was out...Obviously none of us know the details of how the relationship broke down.. but a woman scorned and all that.. She may have felt a lot of bitterness towards him.



    yeah theres alot of what-ifs involved...she may be bitter towards him...but think of hit from her point of view...her husband (or boyfriend sorry i didnt know if they were married or not) left her to bring up her child on her own...shes not gunna want him back in her or her childs life full stop...the best way to sort all these what-ifs out is just to ring your dad and find out, obviously once you've found him

    greyparrot;4445664

    thanks but its going to one hard job finding him i really dont know where … thanks but its going to one hard job finding him i really dont know where to start.


    friends reunited and them sort of sites might help, good luck with the search x x x

    Going on what you say about your mum, my feeling is that she is harbouring a lot of bitterness, that may also be the reason your'e relationship with her isn't the best. I guess you won't ever really know the truth, but trust me, the what ifs will eat away at you if you just leave it. If you make efforts to find him but are unsuccessful, at least you will know you tried. if you do find him, but don't like what you find, at least you know your'e mum was right to hide you from it.

    I think you should try and contact your father if that's what you want, Do accept though that he might reject you but I think in your circumstances it's probably best to know, Nothing worse than not knowing, At least you'll have answers.

    Don't be to hard on your Mum though, She's probably only been trying to protect you and raise you the best she could. You might not be very close at the moment but I'm sure she'll be there for you if you need her?.

    I contacted my father a few years back, He didn't want to know me and told me he has a new life and I should get on with mine, Not the response I expected but at least I know where I stand and my questions have been answered.

    manchesterjim;4445679

    yeah theres alot of what-ifs involved...she may be bitter towards … yeah theres alot of what-ifs involved...she may be bitter towards him...but think of hit from her point of view...her husband (or boyfriend sorry i didnt know if they were married or not) left her to bring up her child on her own...shes not gunna want him back in her or her childs life full stop...the best way to sort all these what-ifs out is just to ring your dad and find out, obviously once you've found him



    The thing is, unless you are old enough to remember, you don't know who left who for what reasons.

    Original Poster

    ChipSticks;4445689

    Going on what you say about your mum, my feeling is that she is … Going on what you say about your mum, my feeling is that she is harbouring a lot of bitterness, that may also be the reason your'e relationship with her isn't the best. I guess you won't ever really know the truth, but trust me, the what ifs will eat away at you if you just leave it. If you make efforts to find him but are unsuccessful, at least you will know you tried. if you do find him, but don't like what you find, at least you know your'e mum was right to hide you from it.



    yeah i know what you are saying i have never bothered coz i know my mum has the same phone number and if he wanted to talk to me he would but my partner reckons that if he has rang she wouldnt tell me so abit awkward but i think i need to ask those questions myself also my gran on my real dads side came to see me at my mums when i was 14 and she brought a video down from my dad with the family on etc and i just got told the video player wasnt working but i have always wondered why my gran took that video back to new zealand with her.

    shauneco;4445695

    I contacted my father a few years back, He didn't want to know me and … I contacted my father a few years back, He didn't want to know me and told me he has a new life and I should get on with mine, Not the response I expected but at least I know where I stand and my questions have been answered.



    I think OP probably has views from most sides here.

    You looked, it didn't turn out how you would have liked, but it sounds like you found peace at least knowing.

    I'm sure there are a few people on here who have looked for a parent, found them and things have worked out great.

    I didn't look and I regret it every day.

    Hope you find your own peace grey xxx

    Original Poster

    shauneco;4445695

    I think you should try and contact your father if that's what you want, … I think you should try and contact your father if that's what you want, Do accept though that he might reject you but I think in your circumstances it's probably best to know, Nothing worse than not knowing, At least you'll have answers.Don't be to hard on your Mum though, She's probably only been trying to protect you and raise you the best she could. You might not be very close at the moment but I'm sure she'll be there for you if you need her?.I contacted my father a few years back, He didn't want to know me and told me he has a new life and I should get on with mine, Not the response I expected but at least I know where I stand and my questions have been answered.



    seriously my mother wont be there for me if i need her she never has been its like when i had my daughter on boxing day 5 years ago i wanted her at the birth and she was there and all seemed rosy but she told me a couple of months later that i had ruined christmas for my younger brother coz he was on his own with my step dad on boxing day!

    my oh just found his dad after 20yrs reunited just before crimbo last week my kids met their grandfather for the first time im so happy for all of them
    if you really want to find them go for it otherwise you might regret it for the rest of your life good luck what ever you decide to do

    Original Poster

    ChipSticks;4445721

    I think OP probably has views from most sides here. You looked, it didn't … I think OP probably has views from most sides here. You looked, it didn't turn out how you would have liked, but it sounds like you found peace at least knowing.I'm sure there are a few people on here who have looked for a parent, found them and things have worked out great.I didn't look and I regret it every day.Hope you find your own peace grey xxx



    thanks just seems abit strange that if he had never bothered why ring in my early teens you know why would he of done that also why did my gran come over from new zealand with that video of my familt from my dad that i never got to see and took it back with her and the fact that from that day on i never heard from him again.

    My advice would be don't get your hopes up too much because things don't always turn out the way you would like, think about it like this if your dad really wanted to see you he should have made more of an effort. I know if i had a kid out there i would move the earth to contact it. Your mum might be bending the truth but she is the one who has bought you up, any way good luck and hope it turns out the way you want it..

    Whatever has happened, your mum has no rights to tell you who you can or cant contact. You should have been told whatever you needed to know and then the decision left to you. I had similar problems with my father as my mum and dad had me when they were very young (18 years old) and all the squabbles etc that happened then were just 2 teenagers fighting, and I was caught in the middle !!

    I made contact with my dad again 6 years ago and my mum has been absolutely fine about it all as at the end of the day, he is my father and I'm old enough to make my own decisions. As she said, they just weren't old enough to make anything work and their stupid childish argument just resulted in him acting like a teenage idiot (which he was) and sulking for about 19 years :-D

    If you want to contact any member of your family, then my advice to you would be to do it as you're old enough to make your own decisions now and you don't know what's going to happen in the future. My dads mum died of cancer unfortunately, so although I have quite a few happy memories of spending time with her up till the age of 6 when I moved away, I didn't get to see her again as it was already too late when I contacted my grandad and dad :-(

    I really feel for you greyparrot, maybe you should contact The Salvation Army ]http//ww…htm they can help talk you through your options and support you the whole way should you decide to look. Hope you resolve this and just remember your only here once, no regrets, its your life. Hope you find peace and happiness.

    I just want to say good luck with whatever you decide to do and I think you already know that you haven't heard the full story but be prepared to hear things you may not want to - there is always two sides to every story but your dad is your dad at the end of the day

    Oh sweetie, it sounds like you are going through a hard time and having to question a lot of things about your life lately. In my experience everyone goes through some type of this when they are nearing their mid twenties. You don't say how old you are so I'm assuming you're in your early to mid twenties.

    Feeling this way ( the questioning you feel inside about whether you can trust what your mother has said to you ) is part of becoming truly independent. As children we all pretty much trust and accept what our parents say to be truth. As teenagers we reject all of this and try to find "our true identity". As adults we try to ascertain what is true and what isnt.

    It is important to remember that your mother isn't a perfect person. You understand how accidents can happen, we all make mistakes. If she has told you lies or prevented you from seeing certain people or from not knowing the whole truth she may have had valid reasons, at least in her mind for doing so.

    I think that is one subject in itself. Your relationship with your mother is something you are going to have to work out for yourself whether you want to keep and work on ( there are no easy decisions here ) or whether it would be better ( or even possible ) for you to just let go and move on with your own life.

    You must ultimately do what you believe to be right and what is best for you both.

    Your relationship with your father is another matter entirely. If you should choose to contact him ( or indeed anyone of your siblings ) it would be wise to do so from a point of control. When you are feeling at peace with your life and strong enough to take whatever comes along. Your father may have moved on with his life. He may be a wonderful person and yearning for you to one day get in touch. Or the reality may be that his life is complicated, another wife, more children, it may be a shock to him if you do manage to contact him. He might even be everything your mother has told you.

    Whatever is the reality, it would be wise not to take any further steps till you have thought through all the possible consequences of whatever it is you do, not just for you but for everyone involved and then if you feel strong and sure and mature enough to accept these consequences and your own responsibilities within them then go ahead and try and make contact if that is what you feel driven to do.

    Whatever you decide my thoughts and feelings go with you and I hope everything works out for you x x x

    ChipSticks;4445611

    I said this to someone the other day on here, unsure if it was you.. My … I said this to someone the other day on here, unsure if it was you.. My mum left my dad when I was 6, she always told me he and his family had gone home to Barbados, so although I did wonder if I should look, didn't really know where to start. The next I knew of him was reading his obituary in the local paper. He had never left Leicester, my mum had lied. Trust me, it's the worse feeling ever, all the what ifs etc. So my advice would be to look for him, if it doesn't work out at least you will know you tried.



    Thats really sad hon, I'm so sorry you lost that chance x x x :friends:

    Wish you all the luck in the world, with what you decide to do

    shauneco;4445695

    I think you should try and contact your father if that's what you want, … I think you should try and contact your father if that's what you want, Do accept though that he might reject you but I think in your circumstances it's probably best to know, Nothing worse than not knowing, At least you'll have answers.Don't be to hard on your Mum though, She's probably only been trying to protect you and raise you the best she could. You might not be very close at the moment but I'm sure she'll be there for you if you need her?.I contacted my father a few years back, He didn't want to know me and told me he has a new life and I should get on with mine, Not the response I expected but at least I know where I stand and my questions have been answered.



    that must have been pretty rough for you hon, very hard on you. I really don't understand how anyone could have that attitude but I guess many do. *hugs* for you.
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